How to you manage the expense of dating?

[HighHopes87]

I’ve been trying to take dating a bit more seriously lately and I’ve been ‘putting myself out there’ a bit more. 
I’m just an average guy who earns an average salary and I’m struggling with the mounting cost of dating. 
I’ve not had much luck lately and have not secured many second dates. I try to avoid big dinner dates as a first date and just try and stick to coffee/breakfast dates. I just feel like it’s always down to the guy to pay on the first date and it’s making me skint. 
Does anyone have any ideas on ‘low cost’ date ideas and is it ever to ok to ask someone to chip in? 

[d0nnivain]

I'm a woman but I was always wary of men who suggested expensive dinner dates up front because it is such an investment. 

You need to be creative which is even harder with so many things inaccessible.  

If it's a 1st meet off OLD a quick cheap coffee is the best bet.  Do try to find a quirky coffee house, not a chain, if you can.  Ice cream or another type of dessert can be good date.  

Discuss interests during the meet so maybe you can figure out a creative option for the next date.  Around me there are now drive in movies (real & pop up); drive in concerts; boat in concerts; outdoor art exhibits etc.  Other low cost options may include a local petting zoo or farmers' market; playing mini golf; walking through a park; playing frisbee or croquet (you may have to invest in the set); having a picnic.  Hiking (or taking a walk) is great.  

If the world opens up again you can go bowling; see a community theater play; go to a museum -- especially the smaller quirkier ones can be a fun date.  DH & I went to a museum in a lighthouse & learned about the area.  I think it cost $5 pp admission.  You can talk quietly as you look at the exhibits.  We probably spent 2 hours there.  

Learn more about the local mom & pop places in your area that have lower cost food & BYO liquor.  Alcohol is expensive.  Do consult your date about her drink preferences but put parameters around it:  red or white & maybe ask for grape preference.  Don't let her set up something where you will be expected to bring a bottle of hard alcohol for one drink, although if done well I suppose the airplane bottles could be cute.   

[Happy Lemming]

I've been dating for 40 years and yes... you have to have some money to "splash" around to date.   I used to budget $400/month for dating.  It was just part of my monthly budget.  I'd spend my monthly paychecks on paper (first), develop a budget and stick to it. 

As far as cheap dating, I used to look to the local rag (newspaper) and try to find the "things to do" section for that weekend.  Each suggestion would have an average cost listed with the activity and I'd try to "date plan" from there.  I imagine you could put in a search engine "Things to do this weekend + (name of your city)" and see what pops up.

I would not ask the woman to "chip in".  

*** Side note ***  you should be putting 20% of your post tax income into long term savings and/or retirement (each month).  Pay yourself first... you never know when you are going to need some funds for a "rainy day".

[Weezy1973]

35 minutes ago, HighHopes87 said:

Does anyone have any ideas on ‘low cost’ date ideas and is it ever to ok to ask someone to chip in? 

My rule of thumb was that if I asked them out on a date, I’d be paying. And Id never ask or expect them to chip in. Although at time they’d offer, but I’d decline unless they insisted. And it didn’t matter if there was going to be a second date or not.

 

First dates from online dating were almost always meeting for a drink if it was evening (most of them) or meeting for coffee if it was during the day. So drink dates could run up to $50 dollars but generally stayed under $25. Coffee dates were usually around $10. And yes it can get expensive.

If you want free dates, just meeting for a walk is okay, but usually a destination post walk of coffee or ice cream makes it better. Unfortunately if you’re dating, it’s going to cost time and money. So making room for it in your budget, or getting a side hustle to cover expenses are good ideas too.

[Happy Lemming]

And don't go into debt trying to date, nothing on the credit card!!

I had the opportunity to retire early a couple of years ago, and did.  One of the adjustments I had to make was my travel/entertainment budget.  I told my long term girlfriend that in order for me to retire early (which is something I really, really wanted to do) we'd have to lower the travel/entertainment budget for each month.  I've been called "cheap" so many times, I'm beginning to think its my middle name.  But it is... what it is.

For the record, we haven't been traveling due to the pandemic, so I'm banking that portion of my budget and we'll do a big trip after this whole pandemic thing is over and done.

 

[Shining One]

What makes your first dates so expensive? Once you determine the specifics, you can adjust accordingly. For me, drinks were the biggest factor, so I started taking first dates to places with drink specials and avoided places with expensive specialty drinks.

[Happy Lemming]

12 minutes ago, Shining One said:

...so I started taking first dates to places with drink specials and avoided places with expensive specialty drinks.

It's funny you should mention this... One of my favorite places (for drinks) was this "hole in wall" pub.  Every week they had this really really cheap "beer" special.  I'd drink that special and even the mixed drinks weren't that bad if the woman wanted a mixed drink (instead of the beer special).

If she complained or bulked at this pub (being a hole in the wall), I'd tell her that they have the best grilled cheese sandwiches, (I've ever had) and that is why I go there.  Then I'd order up two grilled cheese and fries platters (which were cheap) and we'd feast.  I never had a woman disagree about the grilled cheese sandwiches being the absolute best one they ever tasted.  I have no idea how they make them, but the staff would not reveal the secret.

That was one of my "very cheap" go to dating ideas.  I mean dinner and drinks on the cheap.  You need to check out some of those places and have them in your back pocket for dating.

There was also this "Mom & Pop" local restaurant that would run a "Liver and Onions" special every Friday.  Super cheap!!  They've since gone out of business, but at the time it was another one of my go to "cheap" date ideas.

Again, doing research ahead of time pays!!

Some venues/activities will give a large discount if you buy tickets in advance and not at the door.  So if you know "for sure" that your date isn't going to cancel, this is a way to entertain & save money.  There was one comedy club, that would have these "lower tier" (not headliner) comics perform, if you purchased tickets in advance, you got a HUGE discount.  So I did that... and the "lower tier" comics were just as funny and without all the additional cost.  Again, I did my research and kept this place in my back pocket as part of my dating rotation.

[Ami1uwant]

Facts...hookers are cheaper option long term

 

you think it takes 4th date to get laid

 

each date costs $100

extra costs for time in chatting and sending flowers.

 

[central]

Many of my first dates were coffee, followed by a walk in a nice nearby park or waterfront area.  Sometimes it was a short hike, occasionally with sandwiches and occasionally some inexpensive wine.  Museums are great, depending on interests or your knowledge which you can show off.  These days, things like fairs and festivals and outdoor art shows, car shows, and similar are not available, but make for good dates.  I rarely spent more than $10-15 on a first date.  Subsequent dates do not need to be expensive - if she expects that, then she would have to pay, or we wouldn't be able to continue dating.

[DarrenB]

If continuously going out on dates is keeping you consistently low on cash, I'd take some time away from it. Your own welfare and income sustainability is more important than scoring on a date, and that's just a fact.

Truth is the experience and chemistry between two people on a date will always mean more than the materialistic side of it. Before you arrange another date try to understand the other person's interests more and adapt to that - there must be places in your area that are doing free entry for shows, gigs, viewings. If not, try researching some places that have cheap events going on.

[ShyViolet]

Dating doesn't have to be expensive.  Don't choose expensive restaurants.  Be creative and look for free things to do... picnics, the beach, parks... here in New York city we have ferry rides that are just $2.75 and you see the whole skyline.  Any woman who isn't cool with being creative and finding free things to do, who just wants you to spend money on her.... well maybe that's not someone you want anyway.  That's really shallow.  The important thing should be spending time together.

[Alvi]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

Facts...hookers are cheaper option long term

 

you think it takes 4th date to get laid

 

each date costs $100

extra costs for time in chatting and sending flowers.

 

A 100 dollars for a single date? Wow, that's a bit of overkill. Pretty sure there are plenty of cheap and/or free options available out there. You don't need to impress a woman with your money or anything. I don't think many woman would react positively if a guy sends her flowers too early in the relationship. One guy sent me flowers at my job after our third date. Guess what? Overkill. It was very awkward for me having to explain to my co-workers that I hardly even know the guy. 

[Ruby Slippers]

If I were a man with a limited budget for dating, I'd be more selective about whom I ask out, which means getting to know her a little more before asking her out, and I'd do more first dates over lunch, since it's cheaper than dinner.

[Azincourt]

4 hours ago, HighHopes87 said:

I’ve been trying to take dating a bit more seriously lately and I’ve been ‘putting myself out there’ a bit more. 
I’m just an average guy who earns an average salary and I’m struggling with the mounting cost of dating. 
I’ve not had much luck lately and have not secured many second dates. I try to avoid big dinner dates as a first date and just try and stick to coffee/breakfast dates. I just feel like it’s always down to the guy to pay on the first date and it’s making me skint. 
Does anyone have any ideas on ‘low cost’ date ideas and is it ever to ok to ask someone to chip in? 

What do you mean ''expenses of dating?''

There are no expenses to dating, other than the expenses you already endure in your day to day life.

A  shower, a shave,  toothpaste, dental floss, listerine, a cheap perfume, and clothes that mold well against your body build, and compliment your body build. You don't even need expensive clothes. I'm wearing a 5 euros t-shirt and a pair of 10 dollars jeans and no one has ever complained about it.

Hmm, no. It's not for the guy to pay for the first date. It's not for the guy to pay any date other than his own share of the bill. You're dating American/European women. You're not going out on a date with an Iranian woman in Tehran.

Young women these days graduate from college at a far higher rate than young men do. They graduate with high-income potential degrees, and  they will be the bread-winners in their relationships most of the time, so you don't need to worry about paying for her share of the date, and honestly, women prefer that the man doesn't pay for it, because there's a lot of guys who feel they're entitled to sex just because he bought her hot soup in a cold, winter night.

2 rules.

A) if a woman expects you to pay? She's not attracted to you. Never mind the opinions of people who are looking for a free meal, with their excuses of how '' I see if a man really cares about me by how quickly he spends money on me, and how much of it he spends.''

To which you should reply, ''yeah, and I need to have sex on the first date to feel that the woman is truly attracted to me, and wants to be with me.''

See how both scenarios are ridiculous? 

B) Don't take on ''dates'' women who aren't your girlfriend.  Say you go on 100 first dates a year, with 100 different women. By the time end of the year - if you aren't making bank - you're going to end up homeless.

Take a woman to dog park. Take a woman to the Library. Take a woman to the public gardens. Take a woman to the museum, and there's plenty of days when it's free. Take a woman to the aquarium. Take a woman to that planetarium. Take a woman to the shopping mall. Take a woman to sit with you watching cars drive by and ask each other how much you think the dude wins by the car he's driving.

Or simply take a woman out for a cup of coffee. There's so many dating possibilities. As long as the woman is attracted to you/likes you, she won't mind where you're taking  her, and she certainly won't mind  paying for her own share of the deal.

So, my advice when it comes to spending habits is to take care of your teeth, your skin, and if you aren't already fit or muscular is to join a gym or to build a home-gym, or to even to just buy a pair of running shoes and to go for a jog a few times a week.

Don't waste your money on someone who is a stranger. Only spend your money on a girlfriend or a wife, and you gotta make sure you're gettitng a return for your investment. Does she also spend money on you? Does she cook delicious meal for you? Is she a sweetheart and takes your dog to the vet while you can't becuase you are working? Does she drive you to your job because your car is at the shop?

I've never paid for a date's share of the bill, and although I know there are men who are far more sucessful than I, where it concerns dating, but I really can't complain. So, I do what works, and this works, and I'm certain it will work for you too.

Remember, dating isn't about expressing a woman with your money. That's what old men with rich daddies who leave them billions of dollars and they still manage to lose all of it and to go into massive debt. Dating is about finding someone you like, who likes you back, who wants to share her life with you, and whom doesn't expect to get paid to do it.

Edited September 30, 2020 by Azincourt

[smackie9]

3 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Facts...hookers are cheaper option long term

 

you think it takes 4th date to get laid

 

each date costs $100

extra costs for time in chatting and sending flowers.

 

You don't pay for a hooker, you pay for them to go away.

[Azincourt]

Quote

Facts...hookers are cheaper option long term 

No, they aren't. If you mean street-prostitution, sure, they're cheaper I'm guessing, but you might come home with a case of AIDS, and that kind of professional prostitution is illegal and you don't want to take part in making the lives of those women and the lives of those families even more miserable - I hope - by making use of their services.

I grew up around a lot of old rich men. As an adult, I'm around a lot of rich old men, so unless you're making millions of dollars post-taxes, and unless you live in a nation where professional prostitution is legal: I wouldn't advise you to do sleep with escorts.

The more money you have,  I'm talking about that kind of money you can tell your boss to go to, the more hot and the more skilled those sex workers are going to be. There are escorting agencies in Europe where the hopeful patron to be has to have a minimum of 11 million euros to become eligible, and then there's another number of requirements the guy gotta meet.

There was a huge scandal in the UK a year ago because it was discovered that a large number of soccer players belonging to the richest English clubs - married men - were making use of the services escorts provide, with guys paying 30 000 dollars a month, plus expensive gifts, with one dude even buying a woman her own farm + cattle + farming equipment and even seeds(or whatever it is the British pound equivalent) to keep a specific escort as a retainer, and about 2000 dollars per hour, if you are only interested in taking the 'car out for a drive ' to see if you're happy with what you're getting.

How many middle-class Americans can afford dropping 2000 dollars on an escort? How many can go to Nevada, the only state where prostitution is legalized, and where most of the escorts are unattractive and have fake bodies anyway?

Hit the gym, make sure those mouth bones sparkle white, learn how to make some corny jokes, don't be pushy, and be aware that the more women you know the more likely you are of getting an one-night stand/friends with benefits, or a romantic relationship, so save up your money and don't be wasting it on strangers by paying for first or second or third dates. Not unless she's already your girlfriend.

No, I don't partake in prostitutes. I was tempted when I was living in Spain and going through a dry spell of 1 month, but I reckon the women who work in those brothels aren't there because they enjoy what they are doing.  They aren't enjoying it, and I take pride in being as good in  bed as some old dude is as good at making himself out to be a fool in front of millions.

Women who work in brothels are doing it out of necessity, and I ain't into that. I actually like women, even if people think I'm a douchebag due to not wanting to get married/co-habitate with a woman,  so for me to sleep with an escort, it would have to be one of those 2000 euros an hour escorts who are doing it because they enjoy their lavish lifestyle, and enjoy paying off the mortggage on a house before they are 25.

But I ain't about to drop 2000 on an escort. I'd rather save it for a rainy day *shrugs*

Edited September 30, 2020 by Azincourt

[d0nnivain]

5 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

As far as cheap dating, I used to look to the local rag (newspaper) and try to find the "things to do" section for that weekend.  * * *   I imagine you could put in a search engine "Things to do this weekend + (name of your city)" and see what pops up.

This is a great idea!  I still do stuff like this to find things for me & my husband to do.  

I once found this cool walk / talk in NYC looking at all the surveillance cameras & discussing privacy.  It was free & would have made a great date.  I went alone.  

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, HighHopes87 said:

I try to avoid big dinner dates as a first date and just try and stick to coffee/breakfast dates. I just feel like it’s always down to the guy to pay on the first date and it’s making me skint. 

Excellent. Coffee, etc is a good idea. Research online what things you can do in your/her area that are free, but public. Farmers markets, window shopping, parks, etc. Let them  make suggestions as well ask them if they like a certain place to go and meet them there.. Don't ask them to spring for a cup of coffee. Just keep it simple, avoid food, alcohol, etc. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You should not be spending a lot of money on first dates ... or even second dates unless you have a lot of money and really WANT to spend a lot of money.

First of all, you want to date out of integrity and confidence. Confidence doesn't only come from having a ton of money. Confidence comes as well from dating within your budget, with the attitude that if your date cannot deal with your budget, then she isn't a viable partner for you. Which is true, right?

What you want to realize is whether you spend a lot of money or a little money, pretty much the chemistry you have with your date is unaffected. Go for coffee dates, as alrady recommended. But you can go better. Look for free events for sure. Some museums have free days ... there are free concerts. Walking and talking in a park can be a lot of fun if you know some pretty park that you like. Meet someone in the park. Sit or go walking. If you have chemistry--you are having a fabulous time and she seems to be having an equally fabulous time--then you can extend the date or go somewhere. I bought a year's membership to the art museum in my city, which admitted two people for free on any day. And took a bunch of dates to the museum ... checking out different parts with different dates.

The main task you have is getting psychologically comfortable with asking people out on free and inexpensive dates. I've gone on dates when we walked through my city just talking and observing ... a total blast. One of the funnest dates I've ever been on ... we go walking in the evening ... and have such a great time ... we don't stop ... I think we stopped to get some food at some point ... ended up walking like til 4 in the morning. This woman wasn't into guys who had lots of money. (Don't think she opposed a guy having a lot more money than I did. But that wasn't a critical criteria of hers.) Also, there are a lot of women who like walking in nature if that is your thing. 

Just remember--there is nothing worse than taking someone out early on ... and then later on having to explain that really your budget can't afford the kinds of events you've been going to. But you have to believe in your own mind that you are a catch, that you are great company ... and that the amount of money you have--living in integrity with it--is what you do. 

BTW: literally google events or free events in your city or an area you want to hang out in.

Eventbrite also has listings--almost everyone is posting their listings of meetings, walks, tours, hikes and so on, on eventbrite. Facebook also has an events search you can do. And seriously, google free events in your city. You can even do it by day of week and date.

 

 

Edited October 1, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Mystery4u]

If you are struggling to pay for dates... then you are really going to struggle being in a relationship!

Having a girlfriend is expensive!

[gaius]

You don't have to take every woman who replies to a message out on a date. Talking on the phone for a week or two and only proceeding if you have good chemistry will save you some dough.

Also, developing a good personality helps. You're always going to have to spend some money but if a woman can be stimulated spending time with you no matter what you're doing that's huge for your wallet.

[Ruby Slippers]

8 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

If you are struggling to pay for dates... then you are really going to struggle being in a relationship!

Having a girlfriend is expensive!

And having a wife and kids is even more expensive. 

Edited October 1, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[snowboy91]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

What you want to realize is whether you spend a lot of money or a little money, pretty much the chemistry you have with your date is unaffected.

Couldn't agree more. The metric you should be using is how well you get to know the person and whether they're compatible, not how much money you spend on the date.

[Lotsgoingon]

Having a girlfriend is only expensive if you want it to be and if you insist on being a man who pays for everything.

I have dated all kinds of women from a range of backgrounds. Only one wanted me to pay for all dates, and that was only at the start (though she didn't immediately tell me that.)  Now, I do stay away from obviously materialistic people for sure--they're not part of my network or my usual comings and goings--so I'm not sampling the entire range of people. But the OP, I presume, doesn't want a highly materialistic woman.

The one woman who insisted I pay for dates ... would later pay for anything I needed at the drop of a dime. Having the man pay early was just her strategy for making sure the man respected her. Once she concluded you were worthy, she wanted to co-pay or switch  ... with me paying for one thing and her the next. 

There were times when I was younger when I paid for pay for activities and outings that I absolutely could not afford. Picked up the tab and fought the woman off from paying half or even part. What's interesting looking back, is that I didn't have any real chemistry with any of the women I treated on big dates. Not one. Complete waste.

 

 

 

[Be Cool]

If paying for such things as movie tickets, coffee dates or some casual dining proves to be such a big burden for you, that means only one thing: You're not ready for dating.

Instead, focus your time and energy into raising your income first.