Think I've been ghosted - should I contact him or let it go?

[Newbie2020]

I apologize in advance for the long post, but feel I need to give some background. I’ve been divorced for several years after a long marriage and finally decided it was time to get back out there. I recently went on my first date in a very, very long time with someone I met on a dating app. The first date led to a second and we were chatting every night. We live about an hour apart so he came to my area for the second date and rented a hotel room to avoid having to drive back home late. When we were planning date #2, we also talked about possibly hanging out the following day, but it was “let’s see how it goes” and nothing was set in stone. Date #2 went really well. When we parted ways for the night there was no mention of meeting up the following day. I assumed he would text me the following morning if he still wanted to go. No text the next morning. I texted him that evening and he did eventually text me back, but it was very brief, nothing like our prior texts. I texted him the day after that and he never responded. If he decided he’s just not feeling it I’m okay with that, but it was just so abrupt. I’m wondering if there may have been a misunderstanding about us hanging out the following day. If he was under the impression we were supposed to hang out I can understand why he would be upset. We got along really well and have a lot in common so I would hate for it to end due to a simple misunderstanding. Based on our conversations I really don’t think he had any expectation that I would be going back to his room so I don’t think that played any role here. Should I message him to ask or just let it go? Is it common for a date to go really well and then get ghosted? Thanks in advance for your comments. I have no idea what I’m doing here and most of my friends are married so I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Newbie2020 said:

We live about an hour apart so he came to my area for the second date and rented a hotel room to avoid having to drive back home late. 

we also talked about possibly hanging out the following day, but it was “let’s see how it goes” and nothing was set in stone.  

I texted him the day after that and he never responded.

Sorry to hear this. unfortunately, many one or two dates go well, then things fizzle. It may be that you are both still talking to and meeting people. Also a 1 hr drive could be an issue sooner or later.

It's odd he decided to get a room, if it's only an hour drive. Did he anticipate drinking too much? Is he married? Don't be too sure that he didn't hope you would invite him in or expect sex. "see how it goes" is an odd way to respond.

Since he did not respond to your last communication, let it go. 

[Erik30]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's odd he decided to get a room, if it's only an hour drive. Did he anticipate drinking too much?

Yeah it's "weird" to get a room, it's not that far... unless he thought you would join him there at the end of the date... and since nothing happened that night, perhaps he lost interest 

[CaliforniaGirl]

The getting a room thing sounds like a bit of a setup. For a one-hour drive? It was a hookup. If you guys did, he's done. If you didn't, he's annoyed that he went an hour out of his way and paid for a hotel room. Next him. He should be clearer about when he just wants sex and not be so coy about it. He'd save money that way.

[poppyfields]

Here’s my take fwiw, just a theory.

When a man is interested to begin with, he’s not gonna lose interest because you didn’t have sex on the second date, that’s makes no sense to me and has not been my experience.  But maybe the men can answer that better than I can.

Which begs the question, how interested was he to begin with?  Not very much most likely. 

He may be one of those guys (people) who expect (prefer) things to start off with a BANG, lots of chemistry/energy, sexual tension.  I DO think he got the hotel room in anticipation of that happening.  Or at least hoping it would happen.  

If there wasn’t much sexual tension on the first date, he was hoping there would be on the second date.

There wasn’t, at least for him. If there were, you both would have been wanting to get back to that hotel room ASAP.  That’s how it typically goes when there is lots of mutual chemistry and sexual energy flowing.  Again, just my experience.

Hence why no hotel invite, hence why no date the following day and hence why his next day response to your text was meh, and why you haven’t heard from him.

Again just a theory but having dated a lot of men, this is what makes the most sense to me.

I hope I'm wrong cause it sounds like you like him!  Keep us posted.

 

Edited September 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[curlygirl40]

Hi!    Unfortunately this happens so many times, it seems like just part of the dating landscape these days. 

I was married for 18 plus years and dated for 7 before I met my now guy.   In those 7 years I did a ton of online dating, and this (ghosting) happened to me several times.   

Unfortunately you will likely never know why because even if you ask, you probably won't get an honest answer.   For me, it was best just to let it go.  

Like another poster said, if he was very interested in you, none of this would have mattered.  If he was hoping you would come back to the room, if he were hoping/expecting to get together the next day and there was miscommunication, if he were truly interested in you and getting to know you better, this wouldn't have mattered he would still be in contact with you.    

Maybe he lost interest after the second date, maybe he was only expecting sex and then when it didn't happen he didn't want to expend any more energy, maybe he's dating other people and something else just heated up.    You (we) can only guess.  

Personally I would move on and not ask.    

Some people may chime in or have the opinion about texting patterns and being busy with life and chill out, etc.   But to me, what was always a huge flag was when the pattern changed.   Sure, people have different texting/contact patterns, people go through time where they are busy with work or life, etc.  BUT to me, if there was a pattern established and then it changed abruptly, that's never a good sign.     If you were in the habit of texting even just a little every day and then nothing for days, bad sign.  If he called you a few times a week and now he's just texting sometimes, bad sign.  If he was always the one to initiate and now he's only answering you and never initiating, bad sign.   If you used to have conversations via text at night after work and now he's just giving you one word answers and doesn't seem interested, bad sign.   If he always asked you out for the weekend by Wed or Thurs and now it's Friday afternoon and you're not sure if you're going to see him or not that weekend, bad sign.   

That was my experience anyway.    Go with your gut and know when to move on when someone is not making an effort.   

I would always just try to mirror their behavior so I wasn't chasing and base my opinion of their interest by their actions and act accordingly.   Evan Marc Katz has a lot of great info online, google him.  

Best of luck!

Edited September 29, 2020 by curlygirl40
more thoughts

[Newbie2020]

Thanks to all that have replied. I appreciate your comments. Nothing was said that hadn't already crossed my mind, I just needed to hear it.   

[kendahke]

3 hours ago, Newbie2020 said:

Should I message him to ask or just let it go?

let it go. He's not interested, despite how well you thought things went.

When a man is interested, you have no doubt.

[mortensorchid]

First question: how long in between the 1st and 2nd dates?  Did he contact within 48 hours?  If you haven't heard from him in 48 hours after the first get together, you will not hear from him again 90% of the time.  He might call you a few days later, you might have a 2nd get together with him, but he doesn't really care if you say yes or no to the second date.  If that was the case, then it's done.  Yes he ghosted so just let it go.  

[ShyViolet]

Nope, he's just not interested anymore.  You were the last one to text him and he never answered.  I wouldn't text him again.

[Be Cool]

You don't try to contact anyone who ghosted you. It's simple as that.

You being ghosted by them means one thing, and one thing only:

They no longer want to have anything to do with you anymore.

Do you want somebody like that in your life? Of course not. So move on and start dating new people. 

[Mrin]

First off, don't chase ghosts.

Second, do you live in a big city? And he in a smaller one? If so, he might have been two-ferring it. Had a possible date with another woman the second day that firmed up. Or a woman back in his town that he's been seeing might have come free. 

Either way, if he was multidating (extremely common) there are a whole set of variables at play that you're not seeing. So all you can go on are his actions. See my first point.

[smackie9]

This guy had some fishy intentions indeed. I agree, they stop texting, one answer responses, total 180 in interest, dump and move on....don't chase.

[Watercolors]

I agree. Stop texting him. Never chase. Every dating blog and article in existence will tell you that the biggest mistake women make, is serial texting a guy who has rejected her, because she needs closure. Well, after two dates, he decided he’s not interested in you. Not all guys with OLD have good dating etiquette or hell, even good manners. 

I also urge you to lower your expectations. Not every guy who rejects you, is going to spell that out for you. They aren’t always going to text you “hey I enjoyed our 2 dates but I’m not interested sorry.” To expect complete strangers to care about your feelings is unrealistic, where OLD is concerned. Sorry to be so harsh but that’s the reality.

You cannot have such high expectations for guys with OLD. Ghosting is a way to reject someone. But texting him to find out why he ghosted you is futile. Why do you need to know the reason he lost interest? That won’t change anything. He still won’t be interested in dating you. So, there’s literally no reason for you to text him to ask him why he doesn’t want to see you for date #3. If he had, he would have clearly communicated that desire to you via text message. But he hasn’t. 

Just move on. He’s not interested. And stop expecting any respect from OLD guys. OLD guys treat women as a #. Same with women. That’s why people do OLD - to get as many dates with as many people as possible. 

Edited October 3, 2020 by Watercolors

[ssm617]

The first time they don't respond could be because they didn't get the message, they had cell phone problems etc. But my general rule is when people don't respond to 2 consecutive texts/emails/phone calls, they are not interested. Even if a date goes well, there is no guarantee there will be another date. People can change their mind at any time for any reason. Yes it would be polite if someone was upfront with tact and say something like "I don't think we are a match" so the other person would know and move on sooner. However many people either aren't considerate or don't have the courage to say they are no longer interested.