Jesstada Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 (edited) I've known this person for 10 months now, during this time we were seeing each other on and off, at first causally and then turned into just friends (he met someone for a short time, we were just platonic friends and I was fine with it but he came back saying he realized I'm the one he likes). We have a really good connection intellectually and know what each other thinks before saying anything. I'm never bored with him even when we are doing nothing. We started seeing each other again a bit less casually around 3-4 months ago. He's generally just confused with his feeling and traumatized by his last serious relationship. Every time I say something like I miss you he freaks out and said he's not ready for a fully committed relationship. He says he loves everything about me and I'm literally the perfect partner he'd ever hope for but for some reasons he is just not opening up emotionally and it really confuses him. He shuts down whenever he feels something or when I show affection and "there is something stopping him from moving forward". Also that he is still in the process of recovering. He insists that it's not because of me because he likes everything about me (he said this to his friend too not only to me) and only likes me more overtime instead of less which is why he is really confused why he can't open up. I'm very lost as well. We connect so well that even not as a lover we would still be best friends but does this mean he only likes me as a friend? He is not seeing other people btw. It's like whenever I try to cross that line to get closer to him he pushes me out. I'm having a hard time moving on because I honestly haven't met anyone like him that I feel so connected with and I'm in my late 20s. Edited September 29, 2020 by Jesstada More info
ExpatInItaly Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 3 hours ago, Jesstada said: I'm very lost as well. We connect so well that even not as a lover we would still be best friends but does this mean he only likes me as a friend? Yes, unfortunately, that's exactly what it means. This isn't the guy for you, OP. 5
Mystery4u Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 He's just waiting until something better comes along. He's not the one for you. 6
elaine567 Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 4 hours ago, Jesstada said: (he said) he's not ready for a fully committed relationship. With YOU. No-one is going to say that if they have the tiniest inkling that they may at some point want to be with you seriously. He is not confused in the slightest. Do not wait around getting more and more invested in him, until he finds a woman he does want a relationship with, as it will kill you... 6 1
Author Jesstada Posted September 29, 2020 Author Posted September 29, 2020 Thank you everyone. I'm just still in the process moving on. It's a bit hard to take in after all this time it was all one-sided. And how he continued to ask me out knowing how I feel.
schlumpy Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 5 hours ago, Jesstada said: "there is something stopping him from moving forward". He insists that it's not because of me because he likes everything about me (he said this to his friend too not only to me) and only likes me more overtime instead of less which is why he is really confused why he can't open up. I'm very lost as well. We connect so well that even not as a lover we would still be best friends but does this mean he only likes me as a friend? He is not seeing other people btw. It's like whenever I try to cross that line to get closer to him he pushes me out. I'm having a hard time moving on because I honestly haven't met anyone like him that I feel so connected with and I'm in my late 20s. Not a good situation for you and one demanding lots sacrifice on your part. I hope you aren't trying to save him or making him a project. The reason he can't open up to you is that he doesn't have to. You are giving him all the benefits of a girlfriend without the fuss. You even make excuses for him as with his Bad previous relationship that left deep emotional scars and he's in recovery. Any sign he's healing up despite you playing nursemaid? You have to show him what he's going to be missing and that means its ultimatum time. You can't wait forever and tell him so. He knows where to reach you if he's willing to hold up his end of the relationship. Go dark and start healing. He either will call or he will move on to the next White Knight. You can't lose either way. 1
Author Jesstada Posted September 29, 2020 Author Posted September 29, 2020 4 minutes ago, schlumpy said: Not a good situation for you and one demanding lots sacrifice on your part. I hope you aren't trying to save him or making him a project. The reason he can't open up to you is that he doesn't have to. You are giving him all the benefits of a girlfriend without the fuss. You even make excuses for him as with his Bad previous relationship that left deep emotional scars and he's in recovery. Any sign he's healing up despite you playing nursemaid? You have to show him what he's going to be missing and that means its ultimatum time. You can't wait forever and tell him so. He knows where to reach you if he's willing to hold up his end of the relationship. Go dark and start healing. He either will call or he will move on to the next White Knight. You can't lose either way. Thanks that's the approach I'm taking right now. Yea he seems to be doing better, he was a mess before. Now he went back to uni and is just busy working full time plus study. He told me hes still recovering from the past and trying to rebuild himself. I'm just concerned that he just doesn't feel the way I feel and I'm just wasting my time until he finds someone else.
elaine567 Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 12 minutes ago, Jesstada said: It's a bit hard to take in after all this time it was all one-sided. And how he continued to ask me out knowing how I feel. That is because it was all about how he felt, not about how you felt. He told you he was not offering a relationship, you knew the deal, so he feels all is good. You will find if you try to "save" a person, they will accept all you have to offer, but once they feel better and are all healed up, they then say "Thank you very much for all the help but now I need to continue on my own path... Au revoir... love you... Bye" 1
Fox Sake Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 28 minutes ago, Jesstada said: I'm just concerned that he just doesn't feel the way I feel and I'm just wasting my time until he finds someone else. That’s exactly what is happening. You’re basically there to make him feel wanted. You guys are friends with benefits. He had/has no regard for how this will effect you. It sounds like a very selfish endeavour for him. For him to freak out at you being overly affectionate, it’s more than likely because he doesn’t feel the same, wants things to continue casually as they are until he finds someone else. Of course he could be telling the truth about getting over his past, but even then , if you haven’t made enough impression on him to help “pull him through” that to some extent, then it’s not gonna happen. It’s his loss! I’m sure he will realise that at some point when it’s too late. Scale back. Keep your options open and let this guy go Romantically, or you will end up the one getting hurt. 3
d0nnivain Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 1 hour ago, Jesstada said: I'm just wasting my time until he finds someone else. You are wasting your time. All the lines he's feeding you about not being ready are just excuses. He enjoys your company & is willing to take some of what you give but he lies & gives you false hope. Cut him lose. You need to date a man who is actually into you & open to commitment. This one is emotionally unavailable. The more time you spend with him the less time you have to actually find a healthy loving relationship. 1
Azincourt Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 7 hours ago, Jesstada said: I've known this person for 10 months now, during this time we were seeing each other on and off, at first causally and then turned into just friends (he met someone for a short time, we were just platonic friends and I was fine with it but he came back saying he realized I'm the one he likes). We have a really good connection intellectually and know what each other thinks before saying anything. I'm never bored with him even when we are doing nothing. We started seeing each other again a bit less casually around 3-4 months ago. He's generally just confused with his feeling and traumatized by his last serious relationship. Every time I say something like I miss you he freaks out and said he's not ready for a fully committed relationship. He says he loves everything about me and I'm literally the perfect partner he'd ever hope for but for some reasons he is just not opening up emotionally and it really confuses him. He shuts down whenever he feels something or when I show affection and "there is something stopping him from moving forward". Also that he is still in the process of recovering. He insists that it's not because of me because he likes everything about me (he said this to his friend too not only to me) and only likes me more overtime instead of less which is why he is really confused why he can't open up. I'm very lost as well. We connect so well that even not as a lover we would still be best friends but does this mean he only likes me as a friend? He is not seeing other people btw. It's like whenever I try to cross that line to get closer to him he pushes me out. I'm having a hard time moving on because I honestly haven't met anyone like him that I feel so connected with and I'm in my late 20s. He wants to sleep with you/he likes to sleep with you, but he doesn't have romantic feelings for you. Dude probably wants to hit and quit it if he hasn't already, so if you aren't into casual sex, my advice is for you to stop talking tothis guy. Yeah, yeah, you feel emotionally connected and all that jazz, but trust me, there's billions of men out there for you to meet, and this guy ain't nothing special. 1
stillafool Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 He thinks you're fantastic as a person but he is not sexually attracted to you. I'm sorry but that is the case here and sexual attraction can't be forced. 1
poppyfields Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 (edited) OP, 9 hours ago, Jesstada said: Every time I say something like I miss you he freaks out and said he's not ready for a fully committed relationship. He shuts down whenever he feels something or when I show affection and "there is something stopping him from moving forward". Also that he is still in the process of recovering. I have a different take on this. To me this sounds like fear of intimacy, attachment avoidant or fear of commitment. Him "freaking out" when you show affection and/or telling him something as simple as you miss him strongly suggests this. Most likely because of his past traumatic relationship. A man who isn't attracted to you or doesn't have feelings for you would not "freak out," he'd be aloof, indifferent. This is all about FEAR; I know it defies what most people believe, when a man likes you, he will do this and that, but life is never so black and white like that. My brother struggles with fears of intimacy and commitment ever since his college gf broke up with him. He's never truly recovered and I have witnessed him having severe panic attacks (literally), "freaking out" as you called it, when he starts liking a girl "too" much. Anyway, I could go on but perhaps you shouid research it yourself, Google it. There are many good books to read too written by reputable authors - psychologists, psychotherapists and doctors. You will learn the signs before you get too attached. In any event, I DO agree with others that you shouid walk away, guy is too emotionally damaged. You can't fix him, he can only fix himself by getting into therapy in an attempt to resolve his issues. Again, just my take based on what you've posted, having a brother who struggles with these fears and having read a lot about it myself. Best of luck. xo Edited September 29, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author Jesstada Posted September 29, 2020 Author Posted September 29, 2020 5 minutes ago, poppyfields said: OP, I have a different take on this. To me this sounds like fear of intimacy, attachment avoidant or fear of commitment. Him "freaking out" when you show affection and/or telling him something as simple as you miss him strongly suggests this. Most likely because of his past traumatic relationship. A man who isn't attracted to you or doesn't have feelings for you would not "freak out," he'd be aloof, indifferent. This is all about FEAR; I know it defies what most people believe, when a man likes you, he will do this and that, but life is never so black and white like that. My brother struggles with fears of intimacy and commitment ever since his college gf broke up with him. He's never truly recovered and I have witnessed him having severe panic attacks (literally) when he starts liking a girl "too" much. Anyway, I could go on but perhaps you shouid research it yourself, Google it. There are many good books to read too written by reputable authors - psychologists, psychotherapists and doctors. You will learn the signs before you get too attached. In any event, I DO agree with others that you shouid walk away, guy is too emotionally damaged. You can't fix him, he can only fix himself by getting into therapy in an attempt to resolve his issues. Again, just my take based on what you've posted, having a brother who struggles with these fears and having read a lot about it myself. Best of luck. xo 5 minutes ago, poppyfields said: OP, I have a different take on this. To me this sounds like fear of intimacy, attachment avoidant or fear of commitment. Him "freaking out" when you show affection and/or telling him something as simple as you miss him strongly suggests this. Most likely because of his past traumatic relationship. A man who isn't attracted to you or doesn't have feelings for you would not "freak out," he'd be aloof, indifferent. This is all about FEAR; I know it defies what most people believe, when a man likes you, he will do this and that, but life is never so black and white like that. My brother struggles with fears of intimacy and commitment ever since his college gf broke up with him. He's never truly recovered and I have witnessed him having severe panic attacks (literally) when he starts liking a girl "too" much. Anyway, I could go on but perhaps you shouid research it yourself, Google it. There are many good books to read too written by reputable authors - psychologists, psychotherapists and doctors. You will learn the signs before you get too attached. In any event, I DO agree with others that you shouid walk away, guy is too emotionally damaged. You can't fix him, he can only fix himself by getting into therapy in an attempt to resolve his issues. Again, just my take based on what you've posted, having a brother who struggles with these fears and having read a lot about it myself. Best of luck. xo Thanks for this. I do understand what you're saying cause I was there and I know he likes me a lot. He said it many times he loves everything about me and wouldn't change a thing / he doesn't want to see others. At the same time I'm trying to find courage to walk away to protect myself. It is hard cause I'm in love with him now. -sigh-
poppyfields Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 (edited) I hear ya, I've been there too. It's extremely difficult cause you want to help. But please understand the more you try and "love" him, reassure him, the more "freaked out" he will get. His fears run deep. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Hugs. Edited September 29, 2020 by poppyfields
Fletch Lives Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 He's on the rebound and not ready to fall in love again. 1
planb1973 Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 I'm going through the same thing right now with a woman. Its all fear based and nothing you can do about it. Its sucks and its hard, and I too am having a hard time letting it go. 1
smackie9 Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 (edited) I totally recommend staying away from hot/cold emotionally unavailable people, friend or lover. The only reason he's been in your orbit is because he's afraid of being alone. You are filling a void. He's probably doing better now that he's keeping busy, doing stuff for himself. Let him go. You have better opportunities out there. Edited September 29, 2020 by smackie9 2
mark clemson Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 It's possible he has some sort of psychological issue, such as a personality disorder, serious trust issues, or avoidant attachment style. Those would just be guesses. Also it doesn't matter because IF any of those true, he needs to "get his head" in order" before he could be a good partner. That could take YEARS if it ever happens at all, so is NOT something to wait around for IMO.
Azincourt Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 Or maybe he doesn't suffer from any psychological issues and he's simply not the emotional/affectionate type? Different people enjoy different things. I enjoy sleeping on my bed alone. So which psychological disorder do I suffer from? From the Peter Pan complex?
kendahke Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 (edited) 13 hours ago, Jesstada said: He's generally just confused with his feeling and traumatized by his last serious relationship. Every time I say something like I miss you he freaks out said he's not ready for a fully committed relationship. He says he is just not opening up emotionally. Quote He shuts down whenever he feels something or when I show affection "there is something stopping him from moving forward". Also that he is still in the process of recovering. Quote whenever I try to cross that line to get closer to him he pushes me out. He needs a therapist more than he needs a girlfriend. If all of the above bolded is true, then he has no business leading you on to believe he's ready when clearly he isn't. This needs to be dialed way back to the friendzone and you need to find a man who is emotionally ready for a relationship. All this is going to turn out to be is a youth-squandering exercise for you until he's been through some intensive therapy surrounding his trauma. I'll bet that the so-called trauma he went through was due to his behavior and the chick dragged him for filth. Edited September 29, 2020 by kendahke
Wiseman2 Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 12 hours ago, Jesstada said: we were seeing each other on and off Every time I say something like I miss you he freaks out and said he's not ready for a fully committed relationship. You are 2 different wavelengths. You want a relationship and he has clearly told you he does not. You need to stop hanging out as friends, fwb, etc. Get on some quality dating apps and join some groups, clubs, sports, volunteer, etc. and start talking to and meeting men who want to date and have a relationship. This guy is wasting your time. Don't try to fix and change him, believe him. 1
poppyfields Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 26 minutes ago, Azincourt said: Or maybe he doesn't suffer from any psychological issues and he's simply not the emotional/affectionate type? Different people enjoy different things. I enjoy sleeping on my bed alone. So which psychological disorder do I suffer from? From the Peter Pan complex? Fair enough but do you "freak out" when a woman shows affection or tells you she misses you? There is nothing wrong with wanting to sleep alone or not being the affectionate type, or not wanting a commitment. But most people without these fears/issues don't freak out like this guy or have panic attacks like my brother. That's the difference mate.
kendahke Posted September 29, 2020 Posted September 29, 2020 6 hours ago, Jesstada said: And how he continued to ask me out knowing how I feel. Stop trying to save him from not having something to do.
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