rebb4120 Posted September 27, 2020 Posted September 27, 2020 (edited) My relatively new boyfriend isn’t working right now. We’ve been together 4 months, so we met right when the worst of the pandemic seemed to be ending. He worked for his family before doing manual labor and it just didn’t end well, so he quit right before covid. I understood him not having a job again because of covid, and we got along and everything was great so I figured he’ll just get a job when everything ended. Well it’s now almost October, and he still isn’t working and honestly doesn’t seem interested in going back to work. I just got a second job because I’m 23, will be 24 in 6 months, and living at my parents house and wanting to move out within the next year and I know I won’t be able to do so with my current income. I don’t want to be working 6 days a week with 2 jobs while I know he’s sitting at home not even with 1. It also makes me think he doesn’t care about us or our relationship, which may be dramatic but I’m partly doing this because I know if I want us to have a good life together I need to make more money. While this is a concern of mine, it seems like he could care less. Every time I bring up him getting a job he’ll immediately change the subject or just tend to make a joke about what I said somehow just to avoid talking about it. Tonight we went to a friends house and he was doing a few things I wasn’t comfortable with so I was upset anyway. One of his friends there mentioned that a job was available doing something similar to what he did before with the company of their friends dad. All he said was “oh okay” and that was that. When we got home I asked if he was going to contact his friends dad about the job and he was silent. I waited for a few seconds and then asked again, and he said “I don’t know” in a stern voice. I asked him why he was mad and he said that he wasn’t mad just annoyed, and how I sound like “his mom” and he’s already in his own head about not having a job and apparently me asking is making it worse. Well if you’re in your own head about it, why are you not trying to get a job? I typed up his resume AND created a job recruiting profile for him for employers to try and find him. He hasn’t put in any effort to try and even look at the website, and I feel like I’m about to hit my breaking point with this situation. If I try to bring it up, he gets mad. If I don’t bring it up, I’m upset because there’s absolutely no reason for him not to be working. How should I go about resolving this, if I can? I feel like the situation might be hopeless and maybe I should reevaluate the situation entirely, but then I also think maybe I’m just being too sensitive because we are so new in our relationship. Does anyone have any advice? Thank you if you’ve read up to this point. Edited September 27, 2020 by rebb4120
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 You're on different pages. It isn't about him caring enough or not caring enough about your relationship to get a job. Don't make a guy prove his love for you by doing what you want instead of what he wants. He'll just resent you. Even if you could "make" him get a job (you can't) he'd screw it up to prove to you that ultimately you really can't make him do anything. That's my guess based on the low maturity level you're describing here (unless he's much younger than you, like 18, 19). Personally, at 24 I would not have gone out with a guy who had no motivation to get a job. I sure had that motivation, and a couchboy would have been a total mismatch. 9
Dork Vader Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 It might not be nearly as simple as you're making it out to be. He might have been making an above average salary for his families business. Yet finding a job else where, will mean taking a reduction in the hourly wage and cost him the UI benefits entirely (which may exceed anything he can earn at another job). He also might just be furloughed and will get his job back once restrictions on the Economy are lifted. I have employees in furlough right now and I can't bring them back on until the schools open up again. I generate about 5% of my businesses revenue off of Proms, Winter formals and other large venues such as that. It's not going to change until the restrictions are lifted and things go back to "normal"... I also don't think you should be looking at moving in with him after only 4 months of dating. Perhaps try a year. 3
Acacia98 Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 (edited) On 9/27/2020 at 10:15 AM, rebb4120 said: My relatively new boyfriend isn’t working right now. We’ve been together 4 months, so we met right when the worst of the pandemic seemed to be ending. He worked for his family before doing manual labor and it just didn’t end well, so he quit right before covid. I understood him not having a job again because of covid, and we got along and everything was great so I figured he’ll just get a job when everything ended. Well it’s now almost October, and he still isn’t working and honestly doesn’t seem interested in going back to work. I just got a second job because I’m 23, will be 24 in 6 months, and living at my parents house and wanting to move out within the next year and I know I won’t be able to do so with my current income. I don’t want to be working 6 days a week with 2 jobs while I know he’s sitting at home not even with 1. It also makes me think he doesn’t care about us or our relationship, which may be dramatic but I’m partly doing this because I know if I want us to have a good life together I need to make more money. While this is a concern of mine, it seems like he could care less. Every time I bring up him getting a job he’ll immediately change the subject or just tend to make a joke about what I said somehow just to avoid talking about it. Tonight we went to a friends house and he was doing a few things I wasn’t comfortable with so I was upset anyway. One of his friends there mentioned that a job was available doing something similar to what he did before with the company of their friends dad. All he said was “oh okay” and that was that. When we got home I asked if he was going to contact his friends dad about the job and he was silent. I waited for a few seconds and then asked again, and he said “I don’t know” in a stern voice. I asked him why he was mad and he said that he wasn’t mad just annoyed, and how I sound like “his mom” and he’s already in his own head about not having a job and apparently me asking is making it worse. Well if you’re in your own head about it, why are you not trying to get a job? I typed up his resume AND created a job recruiting profile for him for employers to try and find him. He hasn’t put in any effort to try and even look at the website, and I feel like I’m about to hit my breaking point with this situation. If I try to bring it up, he gets mad. If I don’t bring it up, I’m upset because there’s absolutely no reason for him not to be working. How should I go about resolving this, if I can? I feel like the situation might be hopeless and maybe I should reevaluate the situation entirely, but then I also think maybe I’m just being too sensitive because we are so new in our relationship. Does anyone have any advice? Thank you if you’ve read up to this point. You're doing the dating thing all wrong, rebb4120. You're supposed to be getting to know his guy and learning what his strengths and limitations are, not working towards a set agenda of moving in together with a man you hardly know. This guy has a serious limitation. In the entire time you have known him, he hasn't held a job. Granted, there were difficult circumstances. But now that they're easing up, he seems unmotivated to do something about his situation. At this point, you should be asking yourself what his previous work history was. Was he working for his family because he wanted to or because he was unmotivated to search elsewhere/unable to keep a job elsewhere? What led to his losing that job? Seems to me you were assuming the best of him. Maybe the reality is that he doesn't want to work and will be content to live off your sweat if you let him. Maybe he has deep-seated psychological or other issues that prevent him from functioning in the workplace. But in the latter case, all you can do is recommend he get help. You can't force him to fix the issues. You shouldn't be the one taking the initiative to type up his resume and open up a recruitment profile for him. He should be doing it himself, at most asking you to take a look and give him feedback and then correcting it. You should think of ending this relationship and then, in future, dating men who work to pay their own bills and are motivated. You should also plan to live on your own for a few years after you move out of your family's home. Don't move in with a guy immediately. Living on your own is a very important stage in your young life. You are advised to do it to figure out who you are and to learn to be independent. Edited September 28, 2020 by Acacia98 3
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 48 minutes ago, Dork Vader said: It might not be nearly as simple as you're making it out to be. He might have been making an above average salary for his families business. Yet finding a job else where, will mean taking a reduction in the hourly wage and cost him the UI benefits entirely (which may exceed anything he can earn at another job). He also might just be furloughed and will get his job back once restrictions on the Economy are lifted. I have employees in furlough right now and I can't bring them back on until the schools open up again. I generate about 5% of my businesses revenue off of Proms, Winter formals and other large venues such as that. It's not going to change until the restrictions are lifted and things go back to "normal"... I also don't think you should be looking at moving in with him after only 4 months of dating. Perhaps try a year. Why wouldn't he just say this? 1
Dork Vader Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 1 minute ago, CaliforniaGirl said: Why wouldn't he just say this? Pride would be a big one, it's also very personal and slightly embarrassing. I agree he should be more open about it. But it can be difficult to admit that you can't make similar money working for someone aside from family.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 I know your heart was in the right place, OP, but you should not be typing up his CV or creating a job recruiting profile for him. It's too parent-like and he should be able to do these things by himself. If he's not motivated to do so, you won't be able to force the issue by enabling his lackadaisical attitude and doing it for him. I think you're going to need to take a step back and ask yourself if it's really all worth it. You two are still in the honeymoon phase at just 4 months, and you're already seeing incompatibilities. It would be one thing if he were actively searching and just not having much luck in the current employment climate; it's quite another when he seems content to not even try. For reference, how old is he? What are the reasons he gives for not trying to find work? 4
alphamale Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 you need to extricate yourself from this "relationship" 2
Wiseman2 Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 (edited) Ok. 16 Weeks of dating is a time for you to observe whether you are compatible, not become his career coach and financial planner because " you want a house you can't afford on your own" What you need to observe is in this brief amount of time you have dated you already resent him. Dating is to get to know each other, not find ways out of your parents house by hoping someone else will help you finance that. Immediately stop doing his resume and shoving jobs under his nose. It's controlling and obnoxious. What you see is what you get, and if you don't like it, you need to end it. Edited September 28, 2020 by Wiseman2 6
Weezy1973 Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 You don’t share core values = time to break up. 4 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things, whereas committing yourself to this guy could mean paying the price for a long time. 3
schlumpy Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 If he's not working he should be training for something or going to school. He sounds ideal for military service if he has a lack of purpose. Only he knows what it will take to kick start him. Where is his money coming from at the moment? What is his background? Why is he where he is at this moment?
Calmandfocused Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 Unfortunately there are many people who simply do not want to work and will go to great lengths to avoid it. Usually this coincides with an expectation that the government/ others will “look after them”. I could get on my soap box about this but I won’t ..... Op, you cannot change the decisions your boyfriend makes but you can change the decisions that YOU make. Are you enabling him? By this I mean are you supporting his out of work expenses? Are you paying for dates? Does he lean on you to “help” him? If so, stop doing all of the above. People only usually change once the consequence of their actions affects themselves, not others. Personally I cannot understand how someone with your work ethic would choose to date a guy with such opposing values when it comes to work. I’d advise you find someone with similar attitudes as yourself. 4 1
ShyViolet Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 He's your boyfriend of only 4 months. He's not your husband, your fiancé or even your long-term boyfriend. You are not in a position to be pressuring him to get a job. At this point you are just getting to know him. If this is how he is, he's not a hard-working person, doesn't make working a priority, and that is something that is important to you, then this is a sign that you two are not compatible. On 9/27/2020 at 3:15 AM, rebb4120 said: but I’m partly doing this because I know if I want us to have a good life together I need to make more money. You should not be making plans for a "life together" with someone you have been dating for 4 months. 2 1
notbroken Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 Prediction - 10 years from now the same guy will be working for his family again (and unhappy there) or still on the couch. If you are still with him, you may have to get a 3rd job to support yourselves. 3
Watercolors Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 (edited) On 9/27/2020 at 2:15 AM, rebb4120 said: How should I go about resolving this, if I can? As others have pointed out to you -- you are not your boyfriend's job counselor/career coach. You are not responsible for him getting a job. You are not his mother. You are only responsible for yourself. He is never going to change. At 4 months, you should be enjoying each other's company, not nagging him to find a job and typing up his resume, etc. That is a very codependent relationship dynamic with you and him. You prove your value and worth to him, by doing things for him, hoping he will appreciate you and see your value. But he doesn't and he won't. So, he will continue to resent you, give you the silent treatment, even verbally lash out at you. If he's already acting resentful at 4 months, how do you think he'll be in 4 years? Edited September 28, 2020 by Watercolors 2
clia Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 (edited) How has he been supporting himself? Through savings? (Please don't tell me you are enabling this with financial support....) You are dating a guy who is not motivated to work. This is likely not something that will change about him. If you continue to date him, you can expect that your future will be you working full-time at one or more jobs while he continues to make excuses about why he can't work. You will be financially supporting him -- the primary breadwinner most of the time, if you can convince him to take a job occasionally. You are young and there is no reason for you to take on this sort of financial burden. There are plenty of young guys out there who are willing to work and to pull their own weight. Go forth and find one of them and ditch this loser. Edited September 28, 2020 by clia 3
Ruby Slippers Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 No woman wants to be with an unemployed guy with no motivation. I suggest you move onward and upward. 5
Gaeta Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 His own family fired him that tells me he's not even doing the bare minimum to be on payroll. This guy is lazy, unmotivated and opportunistic. You move on. 4 4
OnlyHonesty Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 Has anything like this happened before? I wonder if you have any rescuer tendencies, or seek out 'projects' in men.
d0nnivain Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 If you like him & enjoy his company as an unemployed person keep dating him. If you want somebody more ambitious, he's not your guy. You are not his secretary, his mom or his job coach. Stop acting like he's obligated to follow your playbook on how he wants to live his life. If he wants to be a bum, he can do that. If you don't want to date a bum, stop dating him. You can't change him so don't try. 1
ShyViolet Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 On 9/27/2020 at 3:15 AM, rebb4120 said: I typed up his resume AND created a job recruiting profile for him for employers to try and find him. He hasn’t put in any effort to try and even look at the website, and I feel like I’m about to hit my breaking point with this situation. Whoa. You shouldn't be typing up his resume for him or creating online job profiles for him. You are not his mom. Even a mom should not be doing this for their kid.... that is ridiculous. If he doesn't have the self-motivation to do this stuff himself then he's not going to do it, and there's NOTHING you can do about that. You need to make a decision about whether you are willing to date this guy who doesn't want to get a job, or whether that is a deal-breaker for you, and if that's the case, then end the relationship.
Watercolors Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 (edited) 25 minutes ago, OnlyHonesty said: Has anything like this happened before? I wonder if you have any rescuer tendencies, or seek out 'projects' in men. My inkling is that the OP definitely has rescuer/codependent traits, which is probably why she's attracted to guys like her boyfriend who "need" help. Being someone who cares about others well-being is a great personality trait. The problem is, when its misdirected at guys like OP's boyfriend, who won't benefit from it. If you work for a nonprofit, volunteer at a homeless shelter, or are a Big Brother/Big Sister then your caretaking qualities aren't wasted. But, when you go out of your way to help someone, in order to show them your value, you are rescuing or caretaking in a non-healthy way; a codependent way. As Gaeta and d0nnivain pointed out, the guy's own family fired him and if he wants to be a bum that's his right. At the end of the day, the OP has to decide 1) why she is rescuing hm 2) why she thinks her positive influence will change him (it won't OP, fyi) and 3) why she is settling for guys like this guy, when she probably knows she can do better as far as boyfriend quality goes. Edited September 28, 2020 by Watercolors 2
Ruby Slippers Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 Yes, hopefully you've learned from this. I'd never in a million years go on a single date with an unemployed guy. I've been employed my entire life, even informally since age 11 when I started babysitting, always managed to find something to generate income, have zero interest in dragging along dead weight. 3
smackie9 Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 (edited) This has nothing to do with not caring about your relationship. He's just a do nothing lazy a$$. A guy with good work ethic finds another job before quitting, and would strive to do anything to keep working or come up with ways to make some money, even through a pandemic. If you are able to work 2 jobs, then he has no excuse. Stop throwing him a life preserver and dump this chump. Edited September 28, 2020 by smackie9 1 2
Wiseman2 Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 On 9/27/2020 at 3:15 AM, rebb4120 said: I just got a second job because I’m 23, will be 24 in 6 months, and living at my parents house and wanting to move out within the next year and I know I won’t be able to do so with my current income What does this have to do with someone you are dating 16 weeks? 1
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