bf never says sweet things

[poppyfields]

Plus, when you think about it, if her intent were to use him for a visa, place to stay, why would she care that he doesn't say sweet things to her?  

She wouldn't.  If her intent were to use him, she wouldn't give a rat's rear end that he never says sweet things or how he felt about her, which is the subject of this thread. 

 

Edited September 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[FMW]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

I don't see how you can ignore the facts here, FMW

I'm not ignoring, just not interpreting it the way you are.  Wanting to meet a guy there doesn't mean she's looking for a sponsor or a sugar daddy.  I'm an independent adult, I don't need to meet some guy in order to move (or anything else for that matter since I'm past child bearing years!).  I'm giving the OP the same credit.  If she is indeed trying to latch onto a guy in order to take care of her when she moves, then sure, I'd agree that's pretty lousy.  But again, that's not how I'm reading it.   

Maybe the OP can clarify - Do you need this guy (or any guy) in order to move?  What was your thought process in wanting to meet someone there (so we can all stop our own interpretations)? 

[heavenonearth]

wow - a lot has happened in the last 24 hours on here. 

first off, no, i am not looking for a visa sponsor. i wouldn't even need a visa to move to his country. we are both in western europe and if i would want to move there tomorrow i could without problem. i have a great job where i can work remotely, hence relocation to any other european country would be very easy. i have been contemplating leaving my current country of residence for a while (also not my home country). i have been here for 7 years and nothing holds me here. my good friend told me half a year ago that she plans to relocate to the country my boyfriend lives in, together with her son, and that she started looking on the dating app for men from there, because it would make no sense to date someone locally if she is going to move. (my friend is in her late 40s btw, with a 10 year old son who is my everything), and she asked me to move with her bc she knows i am not happy here. since i also had bad experiences dating men in my current country or residence, she told me to date a guy from where she plans on moving to. so i changed my dating app location bc i had literally nothing to lose. i immediately matched with my boyfriend and his message really stood out. i fell for him right away. i couldn't believe it. we both had this instant thing for each other which only amplified once we met. he said he fell for me the moment he saw my pictures. 

i don't need a visa nor a sugar daddy, i actually make twice the money my boyfriend makes (he works as a cook and leads a simple life, which i like). my friend and i are both independent women and we don't need any men to pay for our expenses. and my boyfriend knows the story of why we matched in the first place - obviously, that was the first thing that came up when we matched. i don't want to get married (again) and i don't want children presently (that could change). i just want to be happy with my boyfriend who i fell in love with head over heels.

i am at the airport now reminiscing over this past weekend with him and reading all your posts (which made me a bit mad tbh). 

very emotional bc sad i am leaving. i hate goodbyes so much. i don't think i will ever get used to these goodbyes. 

and one more thing, i actually think now that i am in love and dating someone from here, it would be much more difficult to move here, bc it would bring with it all sorts of pressure as the reason for moving would become the man and that is scary in itself. first it was an idea and now it could become a reality and that's really scary to me and probably even more scary to him. 

it's only been four months. i keep reminding myself. this was sort of the third date. i need to live more in the moment. enjoy what we have. enjoy our time together. be silly together. and not stress so much over words. it's hard but i am working on it. i have always been used to men saying sweet things to me and being all over me but in the end they all ended up not matching the words with their actions. perhaps this is different. maybe better. who knows. 

i can see him trying to be more affectionate but the yesterday i decided to stop being affectionate just for the day to see what happens, how he acts if i don't initiate any affection. we were out playing football and then he came to me every now and then and kissed my forehead and hugged me etc. later we went for dinner and he told me he could tell i gave him physical space today and he likes it bc it gave him the opportunity to initiate affection also, which usually he can't bc i always do. he said he really appreciated that. in the end i guess it is about balance and how comfortable i am to maybe curb my affection every now and then. i also wonder if i am so affectionate bc i just want to be close to my partner all the time or if it is because i am afraid of abandonment. something i have been thinking about for a while now. i really liked yesterday. i liked feeling HIM doing the cuddles and all. that evening he also opened up a lot and talked about how next time he wants me to meet his best friends etc. it was really nice. first he is visiting me though. hopefully soon. 

that's another thing i struggle with - not knowing when i will see him again. if it was for me, i'd plan the next visit before this visit is even over. but i also think that's me being scared of abandonment. like i need a reassurance or something. when a reassurance could be simply that he said "i really want you to meet *best friends name* next time, i feel you'd really like each other".  

 

[heavenonearth]

16 hours ago, Watercolors said:

This is a much better way of moving to another country, OP. Break up with that poor guy so he can be with a woman locally who isn't deceiving him the way that you are.

You've posted about your current boyfriend before and have been previously married. Why are you doing this - dating guys in other countries you and your girlfriend want to move to? I'm really curious. Why use a man to move to another country? That just seems divisive and cruel.

i am not using him. i am not deceiving him. this is ridiculous. 

[heavenonearth]

12 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

If memory serves, I think the OP's first husband was an American??

what does that have to do with anything? 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, heavenonearth said:

I can see him trying to be more affectionate but the yesterday i decided to stop being affectionate just for the day to see what happens, how he acts if i don't initiate any affection. we were out playing football and then he came to me every now and then and kissed my forehead and hugged me etc. later we went for dinner and he told me he could tell i gave him physical space today and he likes it bc it gave him the opportunity to initiate affection also, which usually he can't bc i always do. he said he really appreciated that. in the end i guess it is about balance and how comfortable i am to maybe curb my affection every now and then. i also wonder if i am so affectionate bc i just want to be close to my partner all the time or if it is because i am afraid of abandonment. something i have been thinking about for a while now. 

This is encouraging, heavenonearth.

I especially like the fact that you're thinking about your own motivations, asking yourself questions. Working towards self-awareness is a positive thing.

I hope all works out for the best.

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

This is encouraging, heavenonearth.

I especially like the fact that you're thinking about your own motivations, asking yourself questions. Working towards self-awareness is a positive thing.

I hope all works out for the best.

I echo this!  All the best heaven and fingers crossed it all works out the way you hope, continue thinking positive!  

[smackie9]

I knew it .... Pulling back being relaxed laid back made him feel more comfortable. Well best of luck.

[Happy Lemming]

6 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

what does that have to do with anything? 

I was trying to determine if there is a pattern of dating/marrying men from different countries and why??

Was your previous (long term boyfriend) [the one that gave you the Staub pot] from a different country or was he from the same country as you??

[heavenonearth]

3 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

I was trying to determine if there is a pattern of dating/marrying men from different countries and why??

Was your previous (long term boyfriend) [the one that gave you the Staub pot] from a different country or was he from the same country as you??

i was living in my home country when i met my american ex husband. so i guess he would be the one getting lucky with his visa by marrying me... just saying...  that was over 13 years ago by the way.

oh, and i moved to the country i live in now for my studies and met my last boyfriend whilst living here. i have been here for 7 years. i guess it is pretty logical that i would eventually meet someone who's local to the place i live in.... i still don't really know where you're trying to get at. or how you would assume i got some type of unusual pattern or ulterior motive ...

... or what's so uncommon about people living abroad and then being with people from the place they are moving to, bc, obviously, that's what ... makes sense....? 

[heavenonearth]

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I knew it .... Pulling back being relaxed laid back made him feel more comfortable. Well best of luck.

yes. and today he called me and got really emotional and actually told me about a lot of stuff that's on his mind and he opened up about something only his mom knows about. he even cried. which is unusual for him. it was like a revelation. i feel he really trusts me and it's a nice feeling to know that he is comfortable to share with me his pains and thoughts and all that. and it's almost as if he had a break down and something within him opened up because it needed to get out. i hope it will go upwards from here on. sometimes a break down is needed to finally turn things around for oneself. i talked to my mom and she said maybe being with me also helped him with a little push, sort of, bc it is so important to him to have a nice time with me so he actually feels great motivation to work more on himself. i know that that's how it is for me at least. 

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

 i still don't really know where you're trying to get at...

As someone who was very nomadic (up until recently), I usually waited until I arrived at my new location, unpacked, etc. before I started dating someone at the new locale.

It seems a little backwards (to me) to find someone to date at the new location, then move there.

[heavenonearth]

31 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

As someone who was very nomadic (up until recently), I usually waited until I arrived at my new location, unpacked, etc. before I started dating someone at the new locale.

It seems a little backwards (to me) to find someone to date at the new location, then move there.

i was single for two years and decided to want to date again. all the while contemplating a big move within the year. i was checking out boys in a different city that i would consider moving to. did i think i would fall in love? probably not. stuff happens... 

[heavenonearth]

ok so the last time i visited him in august, it took him 6 week afterwards to ask me when we will meet again (i tried to not initiate). today marks two days since i returned from visiting him, and he texted me saying that in the next days we should discuss his next visit to me. that's a good sign, right? 

[Mrin]

3 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

ok so the last time i visited him in august, it took him 6 week afterwards to ask me when we will meet again (i tried to not initiate). today marks two days since i returned from visiting him, and he texted me saying that in the next days we should discuss his next visit to me. that's a good sign, right? 

It is indeed