bf never says sweet things

[smackie9]

Baby steps....I don't think he will be the verbal guy your wish he was, but when he finally comes around and says something it will be a cherished moment. Just don't make a big deal about it, make it as smooth and natural reaction as possible. So far he has come much further than his past relationships, even with it being long distance. I'm usually a nay sayer but this does sound like it has potential. Just pull back on the expectations, relax, be laid back, and let things happen on their own.

[heavenonearth]

15 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

It is really risky to get into all the stuff about his family. Time after time, and it isn't just me ... I've learned that people who somehow were hesitant to be vulnerable suddenly and spontaneously overcome that when they meet a person who they are really into.

Here's the other thing: sometimes the person themselves--like bf here--really thinks he's hesitant to speak affectionate words because of their family background and personality. The person really believes that. I was so reluctant to commit to a woman I thought was really fabulous. I was getting into my 30's and the question I was asking myself was, am I afraid of commitment. Why else would I hesitate to commit and marry this wonderful woman I was dating. BTW: we had great sex, we had a good time traveling and hanging out. 

Literally it was only later, when I dated someone else, that I realized that I had always felt this previous gf was a friend. Back then, I didn't think I needed to have "romantic" feelings that were different from best-friend feelings. Well, I learned the hard way that these feelings are different. 

I honestly believed there was something wrong with me for not committing to marry the wonderful gf I had. Now I can look back and it's easy for me to see why I didn't commit: I wasn't that into her.  She was wonderful, but that spark that puts questions to rest ... just wasn't there.

BTW: a year ago, I saw the ex I couldn't commit to at a gathering of a mutual friend. That ex came with her husband. She seems really happy, has a son. I talked to her and hung out with her and her husband even. Great time ... and so funny, in the back of my mind, all I could think about was ... I'm so glad I didn't close my eyes and jump the cliff and marry this woman. 

So stay if you want. But you are playing a highly risky strategy. We think people know the reasons they act a certain way. That is a really bad assumption. 

 

i don't know what to think. i guess maybe he has never been in love. he explained his last girlfriend was like a best friend to him. but he didn't want to have sex with her. our intimacy is very great, it feels really safe and close and he said so himself. we share a lot of the same values and beliefs and we really like being close together and cuddle and show affection that way, something he's never been comfortable with before. i feel he's really making himself vulnerable to me and opens up a lot and every time we see each other it feels like we are moving forward that way. it was an instant attraction with the both of us and i really don't know if he loves me or is falling in love with me but he did say he fell for me the moment he saw my picture on the dating app. 

i am not dating anyone local because my friend told me to try date someone from the particular place he is from bc she and i wanted to maybe move there and i changed my dating app location and matched with him right away. we are in europe in different countries. 

i don't think hes afraid of commitment - he spent three years committing to a woman he just saw as a friend. he said he wouldn't make this mistake again. he said he feels he's always rationalized his actions somehow as in "why wouldn't i be with this woman if we get along" but with me is the first time he is going by his gut feeling. even though it is scary because of the long distance and comes with a lot of challenges. i guess i do hope he means all of this and is not going to break my heart. 

[heavenonearth]

17 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

I've been with my girlfriend for 8.5 years and we have yet to say "I love you" to one another.  It's not a big deal and nothing either of us will lose sleep over.  If she needs me, I'm there and vice-versa. 

This "in-person" contact seems quite sparse.  Long distance relationships add additional challenges over and above the regular dating issues/problems.  Is there a reason why you are not dating someone local??

You've only actually "seen" each other (in person) 3 times and you expect him to say "I love you".  I think its a little early for that.

 

yes i know it's a bit too early for those words. with my last boyfriend we didn't say it this early either. i think we waited 5 months? and it wasn't long distance. i saw him twice a week. 

so with my new guy it's very different. even tho we talk every day we don't really have the physical stuff to develop whilst apart. i don't know. i guess i do have very strong feelings and sometimes i wish i could say how i feel but it's scary and i don't want to do anything too soon of course. he did say we are the perfect match. 

i guess i need to chill and just enjoy the time we have together and not force anything and just let it slowly build.  

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

 with my last boyfriend we didn't say it this early either. i think we waited 5 months?. 

sometimes i wish i could say how i feel but it's scary

Are you sure you are ready to date? Why is it "scary" for you to do what you expect And want from others 

Emotional constipation is not a good thing nor is not being able to express affection verbally or physically for years.

Yes chill and reflect on how much of this is past baggage and a need for reassurance and how much is sincere emotion.

[Watercolors]

6 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

i am not dating anyone local because my friend told me to try date someone from the particular place he is from bc she and i wanted to maybe move there and i changed my dating app location and matched with him right away. we are in europe in different countries. 

That is not a good reason to date someone long distance. In essence, you are using him so that you and your girlfriend can move to his country and have a means to an end (and a roommate in him, possibly).

I don't think this is about your boyfriend's intimacy problem. I don't think he has one. I think you have the problem. I think you are using him and will be disappointed when he finds out that you are using him, so that you can move to his country.

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

i am not dating anyone local because my friend told me to try date someone from the particular place he is from bc she and i wanted to maybe move there and i changed my dating app location and matched with him right away. we are in europe in different countries. 

Wow heavenonhearth! You decided just like that to get emotionally involved with a man in that country because a gf and you MAYBE will move there. This is so superficial ! Maybe this guy is holding back for a good reason. What if the MAYBE turns into NOPE not moving! 

[Watercolors]

59 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Maybe this guy is holding back for a good reason.

That was my first thought when I read what the OP wrote. He probably senses that he's been manipulated by the OP emotionally and he's hesitant to really commit to her because he knows he's being used for his geography, not actually because she genuinely is interested in him. Wouldn't be the first time this has happened; people use other people to move to their country all the time. Have you seen that Gerard Depardieu movie with Andi McDowell, Green Card?

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

i am not dating anyone local because my friend told me to try date someone from the particular place he is from bc she and i wanted to maybe move there and i changed my dating app location and matched with him right away. we are in europe in different countries. 

Don't use people for this purpose. It's like catfishing or scamming for residency or a place to land/live when you get there. He is not supposed to be your easy ride into another country. You and you friend need to get a better game plan than using men like this. Get student or work visas.

[Watercolors]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Get student or work visas

This is a much better way of moving to another country, OP. Break up with that poor guy so he can be with a woman locally who isn't deceiving him the way that you are.

You've posted about your current boyfriend before and have been previously married. Why are you doing this - dating guys in other countries you and your girlfriend want to move to? I'm really curious. Why use a man to move to another country? That just seems divisive and cruel.

Edited September 28, 2020 by Watercolors

[poppyfields]

I'm at a loss to understand why anyone thinks the OP is "using" him to move to another country.  

Since she is considering moving to his country, does it not make sense that she would seek men out who live in that country?  

Compare that to if she were to seek out men locally.  Would it be fair to them given the fact she is seriously considering moving to another country?  

Girl can't win here can she.  Ugh.

She seems extremely smitten with him!  He seems smitten with her as well which he demonstrates through his actions when they're together, and by physical touch.  

Hopefully, they can close the distance gap soon!!

 

Edited September 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[Watercolors]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm at a loss to understand why anyone things the OP is "using" him to move to another country.  

Because she admitted to it! She wrote that she and her girlfriend decided to include his country in her location, on the dating app that she's using, because she and her girlfriend want to move out of their current country.

[Watercolors]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Since she is considering moving to his country, does it not make sense that she would seek men out who live in that country?  

No because she and her girlfriend decided BEFORE she met this guy, to expand her location to his country, on her dating app, and that's how she met him. And, the OP has refused to be forthright and honest about what she's told her boyfriend about her plans to move to his country. Fill in that blank for us, OP. What have you told this poor sap? I feel sorry for him now. I don't think you have been completely honest in this thread. You've focused on a variable of emotional intimacy, instead of the actual truth: that you and your friend are using this poor guy as a catfish to move to his country. Prove me wrong please. Fill in the blanks for us.

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Because she admitted to it! She wrote that she and her girlfriend decided to include his country in her location, on the dating app that she's using, because she and her girlfriend want to move out of their current country.

I still don't get it.  As I said, it makes sense she would seek men out in his country given the fact she's moving there!

She's not "using" him to move there.  I'm seriously not understanding your thought process about this.

What if she had sought men out locally, clicked with one, and began dating him?

Given the fact she is moving to another country, do you believe that would be fair to him? 

I don't.  She is moving to another country, best to seek out men who live in "that" country.  

She did and found one! 

Edited September 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

i am not dating anyone local because my friend told me to try date someone from the particular place he is from bc she and i wanted to maybe move there and i changed my dating app location and matched with him right away. we are in europe in different countries. 

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Given the fact she is moving to another country,

 No fact, the operative word being MAYBE...

[Watercolors]

47 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I still don't get it.  As I said, it makes sense she would seek men out in his country given the fact she's moving there!

She's not "using" him to move there.  I'm seriously not understanding your thought process about this.

What if she had sought men out locally, clicked with one, and began dating him?

Given the fact she is moving to another country, do you believe that would be fair to him? 

I don't.  She is moving to another country, best to seek out men who live in "that" country.  

She did and found one! 

Poppy I notice you have a way of distorting what people write and ignoring what they actually wrote.

Of course she is using him to move to this country. She openly admitted to it as such in her own thread here, a fact that you are intentionally ignoring.

 

10 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

i am not dating anyone local because my friend told me to try date someone from the particular place he is from bc she and i wanted to maybe move there and i changed my dating app location and matched with him right away. we are in europe in different countries. 

The OP is not seeking out men locally to date so that's not even relevant to this thread. So, you can't really argue how it's not fair to her current boyfriend in another country, because it's not even reality. Hence what I said about you distorting the facts. I think you should be a magician, the way you pull misinformation out of thin air.

The OP and her girlfriend decided they want to maybe move to this country, so that is why she changed the location on her dating app, and that's how the OP matched with her current boyfriend in his ountry. So, the OP's intentions with him from the start, are disingenuous. The OP's not interested in him for *him* per se, but the fact that he conveniently lives in a country that she and her friend are thinking of moving to. And how convenient would it be, for them to meet a man who already lives there? He could provide them with food and shelter...and a green card. Knowing how she met her current boyfriend changes the entire context of this thread. For me at least. Does he know of her plans for her and her girlfriend to move there? Was the OP honest with him of this plan from the start? Why hasn't the OP shared that information here? It's extremely relevant to the context of whether or not he's emotionally available to the OP. If he feels like she and her girlfriend may be using him for his geography, then yes, I could see him pulling back.

Edited September 28, 2020 by Watercolors

[Acacia98]

On 9/27/2020 at 12:10 PM, heavenonearth said:

I do think we have something special i don't think he is using me. i just wonder myself if it is important to be with someone who is verbally affectionate or if i can live without it if everything else is great. i do want to try it but i do feel i have to hold back with my feelings bc i am afraid it will scare him if i say stuff like "i love you" too soon. 

Well, if you ultimately decide to accept him as he is and stay together, shouldn't he also accept you as you are? If you're both going to be your authentic selves, you should be able to tell him you love him verbally (when the time comes), and he should be able to show you he loves you through his actions.

Why don't you ask him if he's comfortable with you expressing your affection verbally? If he isn't, then you have a big problem.

Edited September 28, 2020 by Acacia98

[Ruby Slippers]

Do you want marriage and kids? At 32, you really need to be thinking about that. If you don't, it's easy - you have all the time in the world and it won't be a big deal to see how things develop with him. If you do, can you live with a guy who potentially will never tell you he loves you, call you pet names, or any of that romantic stuff that makes a woman feel treasured and lit up? Also, has there been any discussion of one of you moving to the other's location? Long-distance forever is going to get old.

I was with a guy who wanted to get married, was a great provider, would have been a good dad however things worked out, but he was like your guy, not romantic, not verbally expressive, and though he was taking all the right actions otherwise and tried adapting a little, I never felt really loved and treasured with him. I imagined my ability to tolerate it running out 5, 10, 15 years down the line, so it felt wrong to me to continue with him, given that marrying him felt wrong.

Many, possibly most, women settle quite a bit when it comes to selecting a husband/father for practical reasons. You just have to decide for yourself where that line is.

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

 No fact, the operative word being MAYBE...

There is no "Maybe" here... it is called intent.

The OP made a deliberate change to her dating app location with the intent to move to his country. It was part of the overall plan.

[FMW]

Things seem to have gone a little crossways with this thread.

I'm not seeing anything to make me think the OP is looking for a green card or a place to stay or to be taken care of in any way by the guy she's seeing.  Maybe I missed her indicating she expected him to provide for her?  She just mentioned maybe she'll move and she and her friend discussed trying to meet guys where they may move.  I don't see anything nefarious about that.  I probably wouldn't have done that unless I was sure I was moving (otherwise you're stuck with a long distance relationship), but I would guess that the OP has discussed that possibility with the guy and he's ok  with it whether or not she actually moves. 

Maybe he's not feeling like jumping all the way in (saying I love you, I miss you, etc.) until she makes it clear what her plans are - which is probably what I would do if I were him.  I think especially in a long distance situation that at this point has no definite plan for becoming more,  4 months is very early on to be feeling things too deeply.  Not too soon to be telling you you're beautiful of course, but too soon for words that would imply commitment.  

Just my thoughts.         

[Ruby Slippers]

I missed that part of the story. But if the guy is all about you, distance doesn't matter. I've had a few long-distance relationships. One guy flew halfway around the world to meet me. The other moved halfway across the country to be with me. Both brought up marriage eventually. When a man is in love, no amount of distance is going to get in his way.

[Watercolors]

17 minutes ago, FMW said:

Things seem to have gone a little crossways with this thread.

I'm not seeing anything to make me think the OP is looking for a green card or a place to stay or to be taken care of in any way by the guy she's seeing.  Maybe I missed her indicating she expected him to provide for her?  She just mentioned maybe she'll move and she and her friend discussed trying to meet guys where they may move.  I don't see anything nefarious about that.  I probably wouldn't have done that unless I was sure I was moving (otherwise you're stuck with a long distance relationship), but I would guess that the OP has discussed that possibility with the guy and he's ok  with it whether or not she actually moves. 

Maybe he's not feeling like jumping all the way in (saying I love you, I miss you, etc.) until she makes it clear what her plans are - which is probably what I would do if I were him.  I think especially in a long distance situation that at this point has no definite plan for becoming more,  4 months is very early on to be feeling things too deeply.  Not too soon to be telling you you're beautiful of course, but too soon for words that would imply commitment.  

Just my thoughts.         

There isn't anything 'crossways' with this thread. The OP admitted that her intent was to change her dating app location to the country that she and her friend want to move to. Then once she changed the location on her dating app, she instantly matched with the guy she's been long distant dating for 4 months. We don't know if she'd disclosed her intention of moving to his country to him, when they first connected on that dating app. If she hasn't come out to him and said, "my friend and I plan to move there, that's why I'm dating in your country" then her intent is divisive, to say the least.

I don't see how you can ignore the facts here, FMW. There is nothing accidental about the OP having a long distance relationship. It was preplanned from the very beginning b/c she and her girlfriend want to move out of their country to this country where he's located. And instead of getting a work visa or student visa like most people would normally do to move to another country, they're using dating apps to meet men to help them move to another country.

Edited September 28, 2020 by Watercolors

[Watercolors]

11 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

i am not dating anyone local because my friend told me to try date someone from the particular place he is from bc she and i wanted to maybe move there and i changed my dating app location and matched with him right away. we are in europe in different countries. 

 

5 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I missed that part of the story. But if the guy is all about you, distance doesn't matter. I've had a few long-distance relationships. One guy flew halfway around the world to meet me. The other moved halfway across the country to be with me. Both brought up marriage eventually. When a man is in love, no amount of distance is going to get in his way.

See above, Ruby Slippers.

The OP admits that her friend TOLD HER to date someone from another country, so that they could move there. That changes the entire context of this thread.

Edited September 28, 2020 by Watercolors

[poppyfields]

WC, I DO see how you are interpreting the OP's post - her friend told her to try and date someone from the particular place he is from because they (the OP and her friend) might move there.  You assume for the purpose of using him for a Visa, place to live.

I simply don't agree with your interpretation.  And frankly imo you are jumping to all sorts of negative conclusions by assuming her intent is to use him for a Visa, place to stay or whatever.

It just makes more sense to look for a man to date and possibly fall in love with from that country as she will be, or is strongly considering, moving there.

Heck, I'd do the same thing in her shoes!  Hypothetically, why look for men locally to date in CA (where I currently live) when I will be moving to let's say New York? 

Would not it make more sense to try and connect with men who live in NY since I will be moving there?

Many people do that, it just makes more sense.

It doesn't mean I (hypothetically), or the OP's intent is to "use" him for pete's sake.  

Anyway, like I said, hopefully the OP will return and clarify.  

 

Edited September 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

The OP admitted that her intent was to change her dating app location to the country that she and her friend want to move to.

If memory serves, I think the OP's first husband was an American??

[Watercolors]

11 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

If memory serves, I think the OP's first husband was an American??

Correct.