bf never says sweet things

[heavenonearth]

i have been with my boyfriend for over four months now. one thing i noticed is that he never says sweet things. he doesn't have a nickname for me, doesn't say stuff like "miss you" or makes compliments (like "you look cute/pretty/beautiful")... when he writes me he just writes "hi" and sometimes it feels like i am talking to a friend and not a partner. when we are together he is super affectionate and we share a lot of physical affection. 

he told me a while ago that when he grew up there was no hugging or affection in his family and he never heard from his parents that they love him. he also told me that he never told a girlfriend that he loved her even tho he had long term relationships before. 

he also said he's had difficulty with his sexual side in the past, for example, with his exgirlfriend of three years they never really had much intimacy. however, him and i have an amazing sex life and are real close.

my love language is words of affection and i want to tell him sweet things all the time but it feels like i am putting pressure on him with this to perform and reciprocate even tho he seems to be unable to.

i really love him but feel i can't event tell him that because he probably won't say it back. i am otherwise super happy with him and yes this part sort of worries me.  i worry he will never be able to express his feelings to me truly and that it may bother me in the long run. 

do you think there is a chance this will change with time? he said he's never ran so fast with a girl like with me and he never felt so comfortable with someone before. i want to be able to get used to this and overlook this aspect because everything else is great. but yes it is on my  mind a lot :( 

btw he is 32 and i am 33. 

 

 

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

do you think there is a chance this will change with time?

No... I think he is... who he is.

This gentleman sounds like a good guy and it sounds like you two have a good relationship, except he isn't great at communication.  As far as compliments, do you need reassurance that you look "cute, pretty or beautiful"??  I'm sure it is nice to hear it from time to time but is that a requirement (for you)??  If so, I imagine you'll need to communicate that to him, but if its not in his personality to compliment you, he'll soon forget.

 

[Mystery4u]

No, it will not change with time. You have to either accept him how he is with his flaws, or end things.

My ex girlfriend was very similar to him. Would very rarely tell me sweet things, or how handsome I am, minimal compliments. It felt like we were more friends than lovers.

My current girlfriend is the exact opposite, she appreciates me so much, and never stops telling me how much she loves me, sending me pics of her blowing kisses to me, how handsome I am, so much more affectionate in so many different ways. We are SUCH a better match, as I do that to her, and always wanted a girlfriend like this.

If you feel this is a deal breaker and you are not compatible long term, then I am sure you will find someone else who is a much better match, just like I did.

Edited September 26, 2020 by Mystery4u

[Ami1uwant]

28 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

i have been with my boyfriend for over four months now. one thing i noticed is that he never says sweet things. he doesn't have a nickname for me, doesn't say stuff like "miss you" or makes compliments (like "you look cute/pretty/beautiful")... when he writes me he just writes "hi" and sometimes it feels like i am talking to a friend and not a partner. when we are together he is super affectionate and we share a lot of physical affection. 

he told me a while ago that when he grew up there was no hugging or affection in his family and he never heard from his parents that they love him. he also told me that he never told a girlfriend that he loved her even tho he had long term relationships before. 

he also said he's had difficulty with his sexual side in the past, for example, with his exgirlfriend of three years they never really had much intimacy. however, him and i have an amazing sex life and are real close.

my love language is words of affection and i want to tell him sweet things all the time but it feels like i am putting pressure on him with this to perform and reciprocate even tho he seems to be unable to.

i really love him but feel i can't event tell him that because he probably won't say it back. i am otherwise super happy with him and yes this part sort of worries me.  i worry he will never be able to express his feelings to me truly and that it may bother me in the long run. 

do you think there is a chance this will change with time? he said he's never ran so fast with a girl like with me and he never felt so comfortable with someone before. i want to be able to get used to this and overlook this aspect because everything else is great. but yes it is on my  mind a lot

btw he is 32 and i am 33. 

 

 

 

What has he done non verbally in affection?

 

both men and women have their styles. Some women I’ve known don’t like that stuff or aren’t big in showing PDAs.

 

i don’t give up comp,emrnts you’d want from me.  To me I give it out when I TrueType mean it and not just saying something just to be polite or has empty feelings.

 

similarly I hate Valentine’s Day because it shows a hollow feeling of affection because you are doing it because you have to not because you want to. Similarly you do something in response because they did something to you.  It gives a shallow feeling tome doing that because it’s motivated because you have to.

[mortensorchid]

He's who he is and that won't change.  Funny, a recent bf I had was very cold and unfeeling, but I was okay with that.  Unfortunately we were not right for one another - I can be as cold and unfeeling as him but I am a gifter to show my affections for others.  Plus he expected me to let him move into my house and I said "no way, guy, I've only known you for 6 months".  He was looking for Mommy not a real woman.  

[TheFinalWord]

As the others have said, he is who he is and probably will never talk like that unless he forces himself to do so. But this is the problem with things going too fast. You said he has never moved this fast with anyone, but you're in the honeymoon stage. So you barely know each other and he is already not capable of meeting a basic need you have of verbal affirmation (love languages). If he has always been like this, I think you should ask, why did you make him your boyfriend? If I discovered a woman was not able to meet my basic needs early on,  I would not get into a committed relationship. But, that's just me. I hope it works out but just know there are TONS of men out there that do talk that way (I do that with all the women I'm seeing as I like to make them feel good) and you shouldn't settle if someone can't meet your needs. I do recommend if you cut things off, to try to find out these things early on before getting committed and having sex as it makes things more complicated. Good luck.

[ShyViolet]

People have different ways of communicating.  Some people say a lot of sweet things, and some people just feel too shy or reserved to talk like that, and they show their love in other ways, like physical intimacy.  He is one of those who shows his feelings through physical intimacy, not verbally.  If you want to be with him, you are just going to have to accept that.  You can't change him and you can't tell him what to say to you, that wouldn't be genuine.

[Ruby Slippers]

People fall somewhere on a spectrum. If the scale is 1 to 5, I'm a 5 - very articulate and expressive in general. I love 5 men as well, can be OK with a 4. Unless he's just off the charts in many other ways, 3 or less is probably gonna leave me feeling meh. 

Sounds like your guy is a 1. He might be able to adapt into a 2 - but he'll never be a 5.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like he is spelling out that he is not into relationships or love or long term, so in his mind it's FWB or hookups.

If you want a relationship, he's not your guy. He's made it crystal clear that it's sex only.

Don't try to fix him .16 weeks is a good time to cut your loses.

Edited September 26, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Velvet teddy]

11 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

i have been with my boyfriend for over four months now. one thing i noticed is that he never says sweet things. he doesn't have a nickname for me, doesn't say stuff like "miss you" or makes compliments (like "you look cute/pretty/beautiful")... when he writes me he just writes "hi" and sometimes it feels like i am talking to a friend and not a partner. when we are together he is super affectionate and we share a lot of physical affection. 

he told me a while ago that when he grew up there was no hugging or affection in his family and he never heard from his parents that they love him. he also told me that he never told a girlfriend that he loved her even tho he had long term relationships before. 

he also said he's had difficulty with his sexual side in the past, for example, with his exgirlfriend of three years they never really had much intimacy. however, him and i have an amazing sex life and are real close.

my love language is words of affection and i want to tell him sweet things all the time but it feels like i am putting pressure on him with this to perform and reciprocate even tho he seems to be unable to.

i really love him but feel i can't event tell him that because he probably won't say it back. i am otherwise super happy with him and yes this part sort of worries me.  i worry he will never be able to express his feelings to me truly and that it may bother me in the long run. 

do you think there is a chance this will change with time? he said he's never ran so fast with a girl like with me and he never felt so comfortable with someone before. i want to be able to get used to this and overlook this aspect because everything else is great. but yes it is on my  mind a lot

btw he is 32 and i am 33. 

 

 

I don't think it will change unfortunately.

His love language is clearly different to yours.

 

[elaine567]

11 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

he told me a while ago that when he grew up there was no hugging or affection in his family and he never heard from his parents that they love him. he also told me that he never told a girlfriend that he loved her even tho he had long term relationships before. 

My guess and I could be wrong, he is at the moment all loved up with the great sex  but once the novelty of the sex wears off, you are back with a guy who probably doesn't really like hugs and shows of affection... He is only doing it just now to get sex.
Once he knows he has you, the extra bits of affection he is doing now will all dry up.
Yes you may pressurise him into being more affectionate, but left to his own devices he will likely revert to his childhood patterns.
I am not saying he is incapable of love, he may or he may not be, but if you want a guy who is going to shower you with affection, he is not that guy.
 

[Gaeta]

I was raised in a family who did not hug or say ILY, ever. In none of my relationships I had nicknames for my partners or ever gave them compliments, to me it felt unatural, I thought for a long time that it was because of my upbringning..........then came along my current boyfriend and compliments and words of affection just flow out of me naturally, there is no more barriers I feel it so strong in my heart that it comes out of my mouth with no efforts. When I think back and wonder why I was unable to be this way with my previous partners I simply think I was with the wrong men. I think this guy doesn't do it because he doesn't feel it deep down in his gut. Yes some men will have a hard time to show affection in public but when you're alone together, when you're in bed, if he cannot express with words everything that he finds beautiful about you I say he's not all in with you. 

[FMW]

It's very unlikely he will change.  Either this is who he is, period, or this is who he is with you.  It's hard to say at this point which it is, but I do think it's been long enough to know it's not going to change.

If it's just who he is period, then try to understand that any attempt to act differently for him would be awkward and difficult.  We can't fake things without feeling stress about it which is likely to lead to him feeling resentful.  The best advice is always to take people as they are and determine whether or not you can be happy with it.  

The guy I'm seeing now doesn't say those things either, but he shows me how he feels in so many other ways.  Guys in my past have often been very liberal with the compliments and saying "sweet things", but their actions didn't live up to the sweet words.  I prefer the actions and for me, I can live without the words as long as the rest is there.  You have to decide for yourself what you require.  

Edited September 26, 2020 by FMW

[Lotsgoingon]

No, he won't change--that's point number 1. This is deep stuff in his personality. Two, you don't want to wait for him to change. If you want sweet words, then you need to get out of this relationship.

Finally, I totally endorse Gaeta. Most likely, and I mean 95 percent of the time, his inability to say sweet things to you, means he's not feeling that. Do not buy this nonsense about his family and previous relationships. I had a cold ex tell me the exact same thing. She told me she wasn't demonstrative and didn't give me love compliments because her father cheated on her mother and mother got bitter and her mother raised her and her sisters to be suspicious and distant from men. Oh ... and all along she's telling me I'm the best man she's ever dated. 

I bought all that. 

Then she dumped me--said she realized she felt I was more of a friend than a lover, that she never had a strong romantic attraction to me.

BTW, you say "everything else is great." Impossible and irrelevant. You want to be with someone who spontaneously says wonderful things to you. We need that. We really do. And when it's not there (as with my ex) you can feel it, just like you're feeling it now.

Dump him and move on.  If you hang in there, he's gonna eventually dump you. Mark my words. 

Unless someone was raised in an abusive orphanage and has direct trauma like that, they have the ability to speak their affections to loved ones.  Family style doesn't stop people from being interested in sex. Family style and family history does not block people from telling someone they really enjoy how great it is to spend time with them and how great this other person is.  If bf can say "that ice cream was really good" or "that movie/tv show was really good," he has the capacity to say "you, are really wonderful."

Edited September 26, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Wiseman2]

He doesn't say them because he doesn't feel them. Yes, dump him.

[poppyfields]

heaven, are you still long distance?  I recall before the summer you had not met but were planning to meet.  I remember you being nervous about it!

Anyway, when you were chatting on line/texting, before meeting in person, or during early days of your relationship, was he the same way?   

If so, then sadly I have to agree with Gaeta's last post. 

If he was always this way, then I'm inclined to think it's his nature and not much you can do, other than accept it and be happy with the things he does do and say that make you happy and feel special.  

If there's not much or anything there, you may wish to consider ending the relationship.  

 

Edited September 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[Sunnyzwei1989]

Nope, he will never change.

I dated a guy like this before.  But he wasn’t physically affectionate unless he wanted to have sex.  It made me feel very unloved because I’m verbally and physically affectionate.  His way of showing affection was to fix my car or poke me or make jokes which to me was more of a turnoff than anything.  Even after talking to him he never changed and I realized that’s just who he is. I always felt unloved in that relationship.

 

at least you’re bf is physically affectionate, if my ex was at least physically affection I would’ve been ok without the verbal affection.

 

 

[Watercolors]

21 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

do you think there is a chance this will change with time? he said he's never ran so fast with a girl like with me and he never felt so comfortable with someone before. i want to be able to get used to this and overlook this aspect because everything else is great. but yes it is on my  mind a lot

btw he is 32 and i am 33. 

Are you two local to each other? Or, are you long distance to each other? Because that makes a huge difference.

At 4 months in, you two are not in a long-term committed relationship...yet. You are still in that honeymoon phase, getting to know each other. Only around 6 months, can you start to think long-term realistically with each other. But not at just 4 months.

No one changes "with time" when it comes to their personality, their communication style, their favorite foods, colors, etc.,. They are who they are.
 

21 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

he told me a while ago that when he grew up there was no hugging or affection in his family and he never heard from his parents that they love him. he also told me that he never told a girlfriend that he loved her even tho he had long term relationships before. 

he also said he's had difficulty with his sexual side in the past, for example, with his exgirlfriend of three years they never really had much intimacy. however, him and i have an amazing sex life and are real close.

You need to pay attention to this information because it is important. He's telling you that he has had difficulty with demonstrating emotional intimacy with his romantic partners, because he never received it as a child in his family. He grew up in an emotionally detached family system. So, you will have to find a way to restore the emotional intimacy in your r/s that is currently non-existent.

There are practical things you can do, to restore emotional intimacy. But, if you are long distance dating and have to use social media etc.,. to sustain your relationship, you'll have a harder time since you can't be together in person regularly.

If you two are local to each other, you can spend more time in person together doing fun things, while maintaining your independent lives from each other. You can choose special activities to do together, as a way to emotionally connect with each other that doesn't have to be sexual in nature. It can be anything like reading a book to each other (you can do this via video chat if you are long distance). Or, pick a fun activity that only you two do, on a regular basis. Could be going on a hike, or whatever.

Building emotional intimacy in relationships is hard enough. But if one partner wasn't raised with that as part of their psychological foundation, then, it's harder to be in relationships with them because they don't have much experience expressing their emotional side; they don't like being vulnerable and view it as a character flaw; and it takes a lot of patience to teach them how to feel safe in learning to be emotionally available to you. It's not something that you can just "get" from him overnight. You have to set up the parameters to make him comfortable enough, to learn how to be emotionally vulnerable with you until it becomes an automatic process for him. Does that make sense?


 

[heavenonearth]

11 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Are you two local to each other? Or, are you long distance to each other? Because that makes a huge difference.

At 4 months in, you two are not in a long-term committed relationship...yet. You are still in that honeymoon phase, getting to know each other. Only around 6 months, can you start to think long-term realistically with each other. But not at just 4 months.

No one changes "with time" when it comes to their personality, their communication style, their favorite foods, colors, etc.,. They are who they are.
 

You need to pay attention to this information because it is important. He's telling you that he has had difficulty with demonstrating emotional intimacy with his romantic partners, because he never received it as a child in his family. He grew up in an emotionally detached family system. So, you will have to find a way to restore the emotional intimacy in your r/s that is currently non-existent.

There are practical things you can do, to restore emotional intimacy. But, if you are long distance dating and have to use social media etc.,. to sustain your relationship, you'll have a harder time since you can't be together in person regularly.

If you two are local to each other, you can spend more time in person together doing fun things, while maintaining your independent lives from each other. You can choose special activities to do together, as a way to emotionally connect with each other that doesn't have to be sexual in nature. It can be anything like reading a book to each other (you can do this via video chat if you are long distance). Or, pick a fun activity that only you two do, on a regular basis. Could be going on a hike, or whatever.

Building emotional intimacy in relationships is hard enough. But if one partner wasn't raised with that as part of their psychological foundation, then, it's harder to be in relationships with them because they don't have much experience expressing their emotional side; they don't like being vulnerable and view it as a character flaw; and it takes a lot of patience to teach them how to feel safe in learning to be emotionally available to you. It's not something that you can just "get" from him overnight. You have to set up the parameters to make him comfortable enough, to learn how to be emotionally vulnerable with you until it becomes an automatic process for him. Does that make sense?


 

Thanks for this reply. and yes, i think you are right about the vulnerability. he doesn't like to show vulnerability. 

while he is not so great at showing expressive/verbal affection, he's very good at communicating. it's something that has been important to him - to develop good communication because he hasn't had that growing up. so we do communicate very well. express our needs etc and understand each other well when it's about overcoming a difficulty or challenge in our relationship. 

but yes, he can't say "i love you". he said he's "never had it in him" to say it to anyone. he told me this in a very vulnerable moment in which we were discussing why he is the way he is. to him, being vulnerable is something he's really uncomfortable with. he has a disabled sister and growing up there was a lot of pressure on him to perform. i think his parents expressed for him to be the perfect child and he kind of still feels like he cannot be that perfect child to them. relationship with father is still very difficult. with mother it's improving the last year or so. he says they are more open talking about vulnerabilities and how they are connected to his childhood. she seems to be more understanding. 

yes we are long distance and we have seen each other three times in 4 months. we talk every day and video chat about twice per week. when we are together it's usually for a week and we visit each other. we do lots of fun things while on a distance and we can talk for many hours about everything and nothing. 

when we are together it's really great and he is very affectionate and does a lot of sweet things for me. just now he brought me tea to bed. and he tells me i am important to him and makes plans with me etc but he's also reserved yes when it comes to the verbal affectionate stuff. it's weird to me still   

some others said he's just with me for sex and the honeymoon stage will wear off. he definitely isn't with me just for sex. he even said he has always had difficulty with intimacy. with his last girlfriend of three years (who he even lived with for two years) they didn't have any intimacy. before we first met he was scared he would not be able to be intimate with me but our sex life is amazing. he said he's never felt so comfortable with someone. and he wants to cuddle all the time and hold hands when taking walks etc which he says he never liked before. 

i do think we have something special i don't think he is using me. i just wonder myself if it is important to be with someone who is verbally affectionate or if i can live without it if everything else is great. i do want to try it but i do feel i have to hold back with my feelings bc i am afraid it will scare him if i say stuff like "i love you" too soon. 

and it's probably true that four months is too early in a long distance relationship. maybe i am breaking my head over nothing.  

[Fletch Lives]

11 hours ago, Watercolors said:

At 4 months in, you two are not in a long-term committed relationship...yet. You are still in that honeymoon phase, getting to know each other. Only around 6 months, can you start to think long-term realistically with each other. But not at just 4 months.

 - 4 months is plenty of time to fall in love and say sweet nothings and pet names, doll.

 

 

He does not need to say the three words, "I love you", some guys don't, but you need a guy who says more sweet stuff to you. And no, people don't change romantically.

Women need romance in a relationship and this guy is not very romantic

[d0nnivain]

When you are long distance & words are all you have, the lack of words is even more painful. 

You may be able to change him a little but you will never get the spontaneous outpouring of verbal love you want.  I was able to get my husband to be more verbal but that just means he went from nothing to being able to say ILY.  I doubt I have gotten a spontaneous compliment in 10 years.  

[Gaeta]

Do YOU compliment him? Do you use affectionate nicknames with him?  We usually teach people by being an example. If you give him compliments each day at some point wouldn't he start reciprocating? It's too early to say ILY in your circumstances. 

[Happy Lemming]

5 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

but yes, he can't say "i love you".

I've been with my girlfriend for 8.5 years and we have yet to say "I love you" to one another.  It's not a big deal and nothing either of us will lose sleep over.  If she needs me, I'm there and vice-versa. 

5 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

yes we are long distance and we have seen each other three times in 4 months.

This "in-person" contact seems quite sparse.  Long distance relationships add additional challenges over and above the regular dating issues/problems.  Is there a reason why you are not dating someone local??

5 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

 

and it's probably true that four months is too early in a long distance relationship. maybe i am breaking my head over nothing.  

You've only actually "seen" each other (in person) 3 times and you expect him to say "I love you".  I think its a little early for that.

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

when we are together it's really great and he is very affectionate and does a lot of sweet things for me. just now he brought me tea to bed. and he tells me i am important to him and makes plans with me etc 

That's sweet!!  Like I said in previous post, focus on the things he does do that make you feel happy and special!  

Love language -  sounds like you clash.  Your main LL is "words of affirmation" and his is "acts of service." 

So is mine and as such, I don't need sweet talk from my boyfriend. In fact, too much of that makes me uncomfortable, often I don't even trust it!

For me, it's his actions, like what your boyfriend did by by bringing you tea in bed and all the other "sweet things" he does for you. 

He is also physically affectionate!  Which suggests his secondary LL is "physical touch." 

I don't agree that when you love someone, sweet words of affirmation will coming flowing from your mouth!  

True for some. But not all.  Many people express love through action -- "acts of service."

Re vulnerability, do you realize by opening up to you about his father and childhood, he made himself "vulnerable" to you?  

This man doesn't sound emotionally unavailable at all, he has a different LL from you and shows his love through action.  Not words. 

Focus on that, embrace that, cherish that, love him for that!  

 

Edited September 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

It is really risky to get into all the stuff about his family. Time after time, and it isn't just me ... I've learned that people who somehow were hesitant to be vulnerable suddenly and spontaneously overcome that when they meet a person who they are really into.

Here's the other thing: sometimes the person themselves--like bf here--really thinks he's hesitant to speak affectionate words because of their family background and personality. The person really believes that. I was so reluctant to commit to a woman I thought was really fabulous. I was getting into my 30's and the question I was asking myself was, am I afraid of commitment. Why else would I hesitate to commit and marry this wonderful woman I was dating. BTW: we had great sex, we had a good time traveling and hanging out. 

Literally it was only later, when I dated someone else, that I realized that I had always felt this previous gf was a friend. Back then, I didn't think I needed to have "romantic" feelings that were different from best-friend feelings. Well, I learned the hard way that these feelings are different. 

I honestly believed there was something wrong with me for not committing to marry the wonderful gf I had. Now I can look back and it's easy for me to see why I didn't commit: I wasn't that into her.  She was wonderful, but that spark that puts questions to rest ... just wasn't there.

BTW: a year ago, I saw the ex I couldn't commit to at a gathering of a mutual friend. That ex came with her husband. She seems really happy, has a son. I talked to her and hung out with her and her husband even. Great time ... and so funny, in the back of my mind, all I could think about was ... I'm so glad I didn't close my eyes and jump the cliff and marry this woman. 

So stay if you want. But you are playing a highly risky strategy. We think people know the reasons they act a certain way. That is a really bad assumption.