Can a Person/Partner be Too Considerate?

[poppyfields]

WC, the noise isn't severe enough to file a noise complaint or call the cops. 

He's pissed because they are inconsiderate.  

When he went to talk to them, calmly at first, they were rude and told him if he can't handle the noise, he shouid move! 

That it's NOT their job to be quiet or quieter, it's HIS job to be more tolerant of it!

Edited September 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[Mystery4u]

21 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

WC, the noise isn't severe enough to file a noise complaint or call the cops. 

He's pissed because they are inconsiderate.  

When he went to talk to them, calmly at first, they were rude and told him if he can't handle the noise, he shouid move! 

That it's NOT their job to be quiet or quieter, it's HIS job to be more tolerant of it!

In that case I would have the same opinion your boyfriend did. Treating others the way you want to be treated is a two way thing. Your neighbours have treated you both a certain way.. so that's exactly how they want you to treat them. If they don't care about being noisy to you, then you should not care about being noisy to them. That is their choice,

Yes you can take the moral high ground and close the windows, but what exactly is that achieving? They are still going to act the same way to you. Only once they get the same treatment back, will they possibly change.

Saying all of that, it was not a reason for him to get really angry about. It's something a simple conversation could have handled. His extremely angry reaction sounds like it is because of the other issues in your relationship, and it gave him a reason to get angry at you.

[FMW]

Maybe you can make complaints to the police about the noise?  I live in a large City now and the police would be annoyed if I called about noise, but when I lived in a smaller place they were really good about handling excessive noise, especially after 10pm.  One or two visits from the Police usually takes care of it.  

[basil67]

What are the building's rules around noise?   If the neighbours are in breach, then make a complaint to the body corporate (or whatever it's called where you are) and have them give the neighbours a warning.   If they aren't in breach, there's probably nothing more you can do.

And I think you did the right thing with the window.  I'm sure the noisy neighbours aren't your only neighbours, so you saved all the other good neighbours from the noise too.   Also, tit for tat behaviour is a great way to escalate tensions and that never ends well.    

[Alvi]

11 hours ago, poppyfields said:

They often play music REALLY loud, we can even hear their TV sometimes, late at night/early morning when trying to sleep.

OK, when was the last time he actually had a good night sleep? How long a person can go  on  and function with a sleep depravation? If he is unable to sleep due to your inconsiderate neighbors a night after night after night, well, can you blame him for being cranky? Especially if he tried to talk to them and they  basically told him off. I am a very light sleeper myself, any noise can wake me up. After I wake up, I am unable to sleep anymore. I was diagnosed with a severe insomnia three years ago. Let's just say it wasn't  a fun period for me. I was snapping at people, being very cranky, and let's just say I wasn't on my best behavior due to lack of sleep. Luckily they were understanding, lol. Not saying him snapping at you is OK  by any means but maybe try to see things from his point of view. He probably feels helpless in this entire situation. But yes, there probably is a displaced anger there as well.

Edited September 26, 2020 by Alvi

[Alvi]

7 minutes ago, Alvi said:

 

 

Edited September 26, 2020 by Alvi
delete stuff

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, FMW said:

Maybe you can make complaints to the police about the noise?  I live in a large City now and the police would be annoyed if I called about noise, but when I lived in a smaller place they were really good about handling excessive noise, especially after 10pm.  One or two visits from the Police usually takes care of it.  

Here in Canada, where I live, police would not do anything about the noise. There is a noise by-law but police will not enforce it even if you complain. You are basically on your own.

Edited September 26, 2020 by Alvi

[Lotsgoingon]

I think you have absolutely nothing to apologize for, and bf, even if he would do differently, should be able to acknowledge your considerateness.

Look, we don't do the considerate thing to please the other person. We do it to be considerate. Acting that way accords with your moral principles and your integrity and honor and self respect. The loud music folks are still human beings, and if you were to deliberately make loud noise ... you'd only be raising your blood pressure and anger, not theirs. 

BF is showng some serious immaturity here.  We don't have to react nasty to everybody who is rude to us. That merely hurts us more than it hurts them. And you don't know the full story of the loud folks. Perhaps one of them is trying to convince the other to turn down the music. So you don't wanna always assume the worst. 

But the biggest thing is ... it takes energy to be nasty. It takes energy to retaliate. You chose not to spend that energy. Doing what your bf advised would have put you in a bad way for the rest of the day. You wouldn't have felt comfortable. 

Edited September 26, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[poppyfields]

47 minutes ago, Alvi said:

OK, when was the last time he actually had a good night sleep? How long a person can go  on  and function with a sleep depravation? If he is unable to sleep due to your inconsiderate neighbors a night after night after night, well, can you blame him for being cranky? Especially if he tried to talk to them and they  basically told him off. I am a very light sleeper myself, any noise can wake me up. After I wake up, I am unable to sleep anymore. I was diagnosed with a severe insomnia three years ago. Let's just say it wasn't  a fun period for me. I was snapping at people, being very cranky, and let's just say I wasn't on my best behavior due to lack of sleep. Luckily they were understanding, lol. Not saying him snapping at you is OK  by any means but maybe try to see things from his point of view. He probably feels helpless in this entire situation. But yes, there probably is a displaced anger there as well.

Hi Alvi, just to clarify, yes my boyfriend snapped at me, but this thread isn't about my boyfriend being cranky, or that I was bothered by his crankiness, per se.   It started out as me wondering if I was being overly considerate towards my neighbors given the fact they are never quite as considerate towards us, in fact the husband was quite rude to my boyfriend when my boyfriend went to speak with him about the noise.

But in thinking about it more, I think I know why my boyfriend snapped.  In part, because he didn't (or doesn't) feel like I had his back and supported him (in his anger towards our loud neighbors) and also in part because he's angry at me (or hurt) that I haven't given him a straight answer about marrying him.

I feel really bad now if he truly believed I didn't have his back and supported him.   Or maybe like smackie said, he felt disrespected?

I'm wondering if a good girlfriend, knowing how inconsiderate our neighbors are and how it sometimes negatively impacts her boyfriend's sleep, should have been more supportive of him and NOT quite so considerate or concerned about them.  

I know this must sound extremely silly and that other couples have issues MUCH worse than this, but it's really bothering me.

He will be home soon, and I am going to talk to him, a real heart-to-heart and find out what's going on.   I am also making him a nice dinner, and I don't normally cook!!   HE is the cook in the family, so hopefully that will bring a smile. 

Thanks for all the responses guys!! 

 

 

Edited September 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I think you have absolutely nothing to apologize for, and bf, even if he would do differently, should be able to acknowledge your considerateness.

Look, we don't do the considerate thing to please the other person. We do it to be considerate. Acting that way accords with your moral principles and your integrity and honor and self respect. The loud music folks are still human beings, and if you were to deliberately make loud noise ... you'd only be raising your blood pressure and anger, not theirs. 

BF is showng some serious immaturity here. 

I am not going to apologize, I wasn't even considering apologizing.  Just trying to understand his perspective, that's all.  

Please read my last post, I think his reaction goes deeper than him simply being bothered because I closed the windows.

Edited September 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[FMW]

23 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I am going to talk to him, a real heart-to-heart and find out what's going on

Excellent plan.  All we can offer is suppositions based on what you've told us and our own experiences - which may very well have nothing to do with his reaction.  

I hope the talk and dinner go well!

[Lotsgoingon]

Bottom line is just because neighbors do something rude doesn't mean we should do something rude in response.

In fact, "retaliating" (which is what leaving the windows open would be) undermines things. Let's say you want to report these guys to a landlord or the police for violating a noise ordinance. Guess what they're going to say? They're going to say YOU undermined their sleep by deliberately running your blender by open windows.

All kinds of good people--who start as the victims if you will--fall into this trap. And what happens is the rest of the world says, "tit for tat"--the rest of the world distances itself and labels the problem not as you being victimized ... but as a "feud." A feud means two people in conflict. The real victim has then lost credibility.

If you want to do something, start writing down each time you hear the noise .. .time/date/duration ... record it ... keep a detailed record. 

You don't let some other fool pull you into being a fool, especially when you doing something that violates your ethic, would accomplish NOTHING!

 

[poppyfields]

43 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Let's say you want to report these guys to a landlord or the police for violating a noise ordinance. Guess what they're going to say. They're going to say YOU undermined their sleep by deliberately running your blender by open windows.

Hey Lots, thnx for your response but wondering, where did you get that I "deliberately ran the blender by an open window"?  That's not what happened at all. 

I don't mean to sound snarky, but some people seem intent on creating scenarios with no basis in fact re what I posted --> we have paper thin walls, bf mad at me because I ran the blender at 5:00 am, and now I deliberately ran the blender by an open window.  Lol 

None of which is true.  

Anyway, my bf and I had a talk last night and I totally understand now why he reacted as he did.   And he now understands me a little bit better too.  

He was not asking me to retaliate in any sort of malicious way, far from.  He simply needs to feel that I'm on his side, care about him and support him.

And from his perspective, when I shut the windows to run the blender, which is in the kitchen, a good 15 feet from the nearest window, he felt that I was showing more concern for them than him.

For context, our neighbor was an absolute shyt to my bf when my bf spoke with him.  Said some extremely nasty things.  In fact, the noise got worse after he spoke with them!  

And here I am, his own girlfriend, caring about how hearing the blender might affect them and their sleep.  

It was a great talk, but still doesn't resolve the marriage issue.  We're gonna look into couples counseling and/or I may start going to individual therapy again. 

I need to resolve this block I have towards marriage! 

I still have some healing to do.

Thanks again to all who chimed in! 

 

 

Edited September 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[Trail Blazer]

You're a very considerate person and the world would be a much better place if more people were like you.  Having said that, I don't think they were owed the consideration you afforded them. 

I don't advocate a tit-for-tat scenario where the originally wronged person goes out of their way in a vengeful way.  However, I certainly don't think you go out of your way to be considerate when they're the exact opposite.

It's a hard situation, but I can certainly see your boyfriend's perspective.  People like your neighbors s*** me to tears, especially if I'd previously confronted them about the situation in a reasonable manner and they threw it back in my face!

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

You're a very considerate person and the world would be a much better place if more people were like you.  Having said that, I don't think they were owed the consideration you afforded them. 

I don't advocate a tit-for-tat scenario where the originally wronged person goes out of their way in a vengeful way.  However, I certainly don't think you go out of your way to be considerate when they're the exact opposite.

It's a hard situation, but I can certainly see your boyfriend's perspective.  People like your neighbors s*** me to tears, especially if I'd previously confronted them about the situation in a reasonable manner and they threw it back in my face!

Thank you for chiming in TB!  I was hoping you would because from reading your posts, you and my bf seem very much alike in many ways. 

And what you posted is exactly, like exactly how he felt!!  

I totally get it! 

[Trail Blazer]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Thank you for chiming in TB!  I was hoping you would because from reading your posts, you and my bf seem very much alike in many ways. 

And what you posted is exactly, like exactly how he felt!!  

I totally get it! 

Ha!  You have good taste in men, then, I see...

Oh, and I thought it might interest you to know that my girlfriend has a blender similar to yours.  It is as LOUD AF!  Especially so when she uses ice cubes in some of those god-awful concoctions she makes up!

I must say, a kale and spinach smoothie is something I've turned up my nose to every time.   However, owing to my spiteful nature, should I find myself in a similar predicament to yours I'd probably wilt and agree to one if it meant that obnoxious noise went for twice as long.

[poppyfields]

Lol yeah I use LOTS of ice cubes!  . Which does make it louder AND also means it has to run longer!   

I use power greens, they're my fav.  But that day I used arugula (mustardy flavor), blueberries, celery, tomatoes, water and a quarter teaspoon of horseradish for a kick.  

Ask your gf to make it for you, it's yummy!  Guarantee you will love it! 

Edited September 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[Trail Blazer]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Lol yeah I use LOTS of ice cubes!  . Which does make it louder AND also means it has to run longer!   

I use power greens, they're my fav.  But that day I used arugula (mustardy flavor), blueberries, celery, tomatoes, water and a quarter teaspoon of horseradish for a kick.  

Ask your gf to make it for you, it's yummy!  Guarantee you will love it! 

I guarantee you I won't!  But she's made me try all kinds of stuff which I've managed to grin and bear every time because I know it's healthy.

[poppyfields]

47 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

I guarantee you I won't!  But she's made me try all kinds of stuff which I've managed to grin and bear every time because I know it's healthy.

TB, I believe you BUT try adding salt and pepper and more horseradish, even dijon or spicy mustard! 

My bf sometimes adds hot sauce!  For me, that's  but he loves it!  

Just a thought.... 

[Lotsgoingon]

Poppyfields,

My comment about running the blender was an IF scenario--I was pointing out the downside of retaliating, the down side of following bf's advice.  

I'm saying had you (IF you had) retaliated against the rude folks by leaving the windows open, the rude folks would use THAT against you. I'm defending you here for not leaving the windows open while making the shake.  

You bf is wrong, I'm sorry to say. He has some kinda of twisted view of loyalty.  You didn't deliver a birthday cake to the rude neighbors. You haven't invited them for dinner or spent an evening with them away from bf. If you had done those things, then bf would have grounds to accuse you of ignoring his pain. You were merely polite. 

I'm sorry bf is in such discomfort, suffering sleep deprivation. I assume you guys have tried the landlord or tried local town officials and so on. I live in a college town, and people routinely call the police when parties get too loud and go on too late in the night. The police show up, tell them to cut down the music and things are good. But I figure you guys have tried all of that.

You choosing not to be rude is NOT the same as you sending them a gift or you hosting them to a dinner.  I feel for bf's pain. But his interpretation of your actions is illogical and sorry to say, immature.  He's missing that you naturally don't want to be rude. He's acting as if you should have violated your code of honorable living in order to be petty. He's thinking that you being petty would be showing him love. He's acting like you closing the windows undermined your connection to him. None of that is true. It's like saying because my mean boss comes to work late, I SHOULD come to work late. 

BF is lucky to have someone like you, who is so willing to see his side. But he's not returning the empathy. Are there any other neighbors around who you could talk to about the rude folks? Sometimes people getting together come up with better ideas than acting separately. 

 

 

 

[poppyfields]

51 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

My comment about running the blender was an IF scenario--I was pointing out the downside of retaliating, the down side of following bf's advice.  

I'm defending you here for not leaving the windows open while making the shake.  

Thanks Lots, I know you're defending me and I thank you for that! 

But just to clarify, re the bolded in above quote, below is from my earlier post:

>>My boyfriend was not asking me to retaliate in any sort of malicious way, far from.  He simply needs to feel that I'm on his side, care about him and support him.<<

In other words, he wasn't advising me to be vengeful as deliberately running the blender by an open window would be. 

Anyway, I thank you for your opinion and understand what you're saying about me merely being polite, which is all I wanted to do! 

However, I have chosen to understand my boyfriend's perspective too which was backed up by Trail Blazer, who I gather from his posts on this forum, is a mature and reasonable man.

We talked and have worked that part out. 

All that's left now is me and my fear of marriage, ugh.  Which I explained why in a previous post.  

Also, mentioned before but we don't have a landlord, he owns the condominium we live in.  There is an HOA but they do not get involved in neighbor disputes like this, and it's not severe enough to contact the police.  

He's not sleep deprived, he gets plenty.  It's just those nights where the noise can get loud and it's annoying AF when trying to sleep. 

But he's got those foam ear plugs he uses and sometimes, we will shut the windows and turn on the A/C which helps a lot!

It's really more about their nasty attitude when my bf spoke with them, like I said, they said some incredibly rude things to him!  When all he did was calmly ask them to lower the volume as it was 2:00 am in the morning.  

Anyway, appreciate your thoughts and for having my back, thanks again! :

 

Edited September 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

BF is lucky to have you. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

BF is lucky to have you. 

Thanks Lots  but curious, why do you say that?

I mean, what would the alternative have been, to not understand his perspective? 

Or remain steadfast in my position that I was only wanting to be polite and screw you, you're being immature and unreasonable?  

I'm a bit confused right now wondering what, in your mind and opinion, I should have done? 

I hope you will answer as I value your opinion and may learn something new and different re how I react and interact. 

By the way, he eventually understood my position too, that my intention was to be polite.   

So I guess you could say we reached a mutual understanding.

Is that not a good thing?  Or do you feel I was being "too" accommodating towards him and his needs and less my own?  

 

Edited September 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

Check your local bi-laws for noise ordinance. Here it’s 11pm regardless of being an owner or not. If they are noisy late at night you can call the police. If the police keep having to showing up they will be fined. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I say bf is lucky  to have you  because you are really putting energy and effort into seeing his side of things.  I hope he returns the energy and effort to see your side of things.