I can't seem to get past first date stage with anyone!

[dmf]

 

So bear with me on this. This is starting to get weird for me. 

I recently moved somewhere new and have found myself quite settled and ready to give online dating another shot. Since I know very few people here it’s the easiest way for me to meet people, especially with covid restrictions. Back home I have had decent experiences with it, in fact the last guy I was seeing for 6 months I met on tinder. 

I went with hinge as I find you get the highest quality of matches/conversation but I’m starting to think I’m cursed: I can’t seem to get past date 1 with anyone! Here’s the kicker though: guys seem to go crazy for me when we message initially. I’m not saying this to sound arrogant, it’s just what happens. They’re literally imagining our future together before we’ve met. Sparks fly. There seems to be a connection. They love that I’m independent and chase my dreams. They can’t WAIT to meet. We talk on the phone for hours. Then we meet and have an amazing time and then... nothing. Every single one of them, bar one who has become a friend, does the slow fade or just never messages. I totally understand that not everything will work out but surely if you get on with someone you at least see them again to decide whether there could be something there? Most of the time they will even talk about a second date while we are together! To clarify, I’m not clingy after dates either. 

I am definitely not unattractive and I think my photos are an accurate depiction of me (not filtered etc), I have a great job, am very well travelled, creative, intelligent, and have a whole bunch of interesting skills and hobbies that men seem to be very into. 

Again I don’t feel like I’m any different in real life to how I portray myself via message. I genuinely do not understand where I’m going wrong. Some of my friends think men get the impression I wouldn’t need them so why bother. Is this something men really think?! Has anyone else experienced this?

I know that no one owes me a mutual attraction but I just don’t understand how every time things can seem to be going so well, then poof! 

 

 

 

[schlumpy]

3 minutes ago, dmf said:

There seems to be a connection. They love that I’m independent and chase my dreams. They can’t WAIT to meet. We talk on the phone for hours. Then we meet and have an amazing time and then... nothing.

I don't want to be vulgar but I do need to know if your "amazing time" includes the bedroom on first date as that would be an obvious reason for the lack of response. They got what they wanted and are reducing their risk.

Some men may be needy and want to be the savior. There are others that may feel outclassed by your skill set but I don't think that is most men.

Aside from men and women who only want sex, I think most men are looking for a woman that complements them and adds to their life.

There is of course the calculus of tying yourself to such an accomplished person such as yourself. Can you keep them interested long-term is the question that comes up.

What is your track record with long term relationships? Your lifestyle may preclude getting so close to someone that it limits the choices you can make as opportunities arise. That means you always hold someone at arms length. You would never commit a hundred percent. Men can feel that.

Are you narrowly focused on men that live similar lifestyles? What about men that don't want to move around and be well traveled? Ones that think about children and the family camping trip once a year? 

Do they need to reply?

[d0nnivain]

31 minutes ago, dmf said:

: guys seem to go crazy for me when we message initially. I’m not saying this to sound arrogant, it’s just what happens. They’re literally imagining our future together before we’ve met. Sparks fly. There seems to be a connection. They love that I’m independent and chase my dreams. They can’t WAIT to meet. We talk on the phone for hours. Then we meet and have an amazing time and then... nothing.

There in lies your problem. They may be love bombers.  Saying anything up front in the hopes of getting you to go out.  They like the thrill of the chase. Anybody who verbalizes their image of a future with  somebody they never met should be weeded out immediately as unsuitable because they have no concept of what it takes to make a long term relationship work.  

You spend far too much time with all matches before the meet.  Never ever speak for more than 20 minutes on any given telephone call before you actually meet.  Good grief.  A few text messages to confirm the date & time fine.  Going on and on & especially the BS good morning / goodnight texts before you meet (admittedly you didn't say you do this but I know it's a thing) is a RED FLAG.  People who do this give good internet but they are horrid companions because they don't have a clue about how real life works. 

If you are genuinely independent & chasing your dreams, you so do not have time to waste this much before time on people you haven't met.  Stop with the build up already & concentrate on the meet itself.   That 1st meet needs to be short . . .get a cup of coffee, have a drink go for a walk but keep it about 1 hour tops.  The only function of the function of the meet is to confirm the other person looks like their pictures, can hold a conversation & to decide if you want to go on an actual date.  First couple of dates should be no more then 4 hours. 

Hold yourself back.  Be mysterious.  Play it close to the vest.  Caution is the operative word here.  Let them come to you & prove their worthiness.  

[dmf]

To answer the comments above: this is what is confusing me so much, everyone has been different and I’ve tried so many different approaches. Only 2 have progressed physically on the first date however I would say those were more destined to be hook ups - for the most part i would never go beyond a kiss. 

Ive had plenty of dates where we have only exchanged a small handful of messages and never spoken on the phone. Some where we have messaged non stop for days before meeting. I don’t think I go for a particular type, they’ve been from all walks of life really. I have had 2 relationships over 2 years, and 2 more which were shorter. A fair few cases of “seeing” someone for several months. I will admit my last two relationships were not great, the first was mostly because I was too young to realise the type of person he really was, the second was destroyed due to him having crippling depression. 

I can understand why men would think I wouldn’t commit 100% but it’s not true, despite being independent and self-driven, im a wildly loyal and committed partner. I don’t know what makes someone appear as such though 

[schlumpy]

You have a variety of interests.

Look up local meet up groups that represent those interests and attend them regularly with the hope of meeting someone special.

You can still keep up your OLD but observing how someone carries themselves in a real social setting is always better then trying to ferret out who they are from text on the screen.

In my humble opinion.

 

[d0nnivain]

I agree with @schlumpy  To the extent possible with Covid, meeting people in person always yields higher quality results.  

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, dmf said:

guys seem to go crazy for me when we message initially.We talk on the phone for hours. Then we meet and have an amazing time and then

First of all, unfortunately, one-and-done dates are very common. Try to limit all the texting and phone calls prior to meeting. Try not to sell yourself this much. Modesty is more interesting, so is a bit of mystery. It sounds like all the pre-meeting chitchat is simply TMI.

Use better screening criteria. Text like crazy? Phone calls for hours? They are madly in love with you before meeting? All huge red flags. Texting and calling is a low investment, cheap, lazy way to attempt to build up "rapport" for a hookup. Avoid these types.

Edited September 24, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Andy_K]

You haven't mentioned anything which you're obviously doing wrong. Go on a date with me and I'll tell you

But seriously, avoid the guys who are planning your entire future together before date 1. When you meet, they'll hit reality, panic, and get cold feet. Or they'll turn out to be crazy, bipolar, stalkers, abusive, or something like that. Really, aim for 'normal but interested'. 

The nature of online dating is that most people you meet you just won't be compatible with for one reason or another. If you've had enough messages to have reason to believe you two have some common ground and no obvious deal-breakers, then that's enough - go ahead and meet up. Everything else you need to know you'll find out 100x more efficiently in person. 

[smackie9]

It has nothing to do with being self sufficient or independent......guys don't shy away from that. What your friend thinks is folklore.

Sounds to me these guys were only interested in hookups, beta style.

Edited September 24, 2020 by smackie9

[Maldives]

10 hours ago, dmf said:

 

So bear with me on this. This is starting to get weird for me. 

I recently moved somewhere new and have found myself quite settled and ready to give online dating another shot. Since I know very few people here it’s the easiest way for me to meet people, especially with covid restrictions. Back home I have had decent experiences with it, in fact the last guy I was seeing for 6 months I met on tinder. 

I went with hinge as I find you get the highest quality of matches/conversation but I’m starting to think I’m cursed: I can’t seem to get past date 1 with anyone! Here’s the kicker though: guys seem to go crazy for me when we message initially. I’m not saying this to sound arrogant, it’s just what happens. They’re literally imagining our future together before we’ve met. Sparks fly. There seems to be a connection. They love that I’m independent and chase my dreams. They can’t WAIT to meet. We talk on the phone for hours. Then we meet and have an amazing time and then... nothing. Every single one of them, bar one who has become a friend, does the slow fade or just never messages. I totally understand that not everything will work out but surely if you get on with someone you at least see them again to decide whether there could be something there? Most of the time they will even talk about a second date while we are together! To clarify, I’m not clingy after dates either. 

I am definitely not unattractive and I think my photos are an accurate depiction of me (not filtered etc), I have a great job, am very well travelled, creative, intelligent, and have a whole bunch of interesting skills and hobbies that men seem to be very into. 

Again I don’t feel like I’m any different in real life to how I portray myself via message. I genuinely do not understand where I’m going wrong. Some of my friends think men get the impression I wouldn’t need them so why bother. Is this something men really think?! Has anyone else experienced this?

I know that no one owes me a mutual attraction but I just don’t understand how every time things can seem to be going so well, then poof! 

 

 

 

I honestly think it's the online dating world. Let me ellobarate. We go on the assumption of a photo some texting video call will form a real genuine connection then when we meet in real life it doesn't live up to our expectations. It could be any number of things for me no joke it can really come down to woman's feet haha that's really important for me sexually so if the feet don't do it for me even if we get on great the connection just doesn't cement. I think the true test for a connection is meeting in real life hence online dating is just banging your head against a brick wall endless dates to find the one compatible partner. I'm slowly going off them I know the dating scene has changed now most are online but after 3 and half yrs with no success for me it's finally dawned on me they are s*** 

 

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Goodguy05 said:

I honestly think it's the online dating world. 

It is.  

I think of myself as a pretty polite person but for the few brief days I did OLD years ago I ghosted somebody.  

We went on a date.  I should have known better -- the warning signs were there:  no picture at 1st; when I demanded one before meeting I didn't like what I saw but I went on the date anyway because it seemed rude to not go after talking to the guy & figuring out he was self conscious about his looks, hence no picture initially.  He was a nice enough guy, very smart, an engineer & a gentleman but he was soooo deadly dull.  It was like he finally pulled himself away from his books & equations in his mid 30s to find companionship but he was about as awkward as a 15 year old boy; seriously the 15 year old I dated when I was 14 was more suave.  The combo was just not what I wanted.  I paid for the date because I knew there wasn't going to be a 2nd one.  As he tried to kiss me goodnight despite serious body language on my part that screamed Go Away! I had to break it to him that I wasn't interested.  Still he reached out a few more times but I just ghosted after the 1st email no thanks (this was before I knew how to text), because he wasn't getting it.  Since I had already told him at the end of our 2nd date that I didn't see this going anywhere, it seemed cruel to be kind by responding & encouraging him.  He struck me as the type who thought he could wear me down & win me over by being persistent.  He just annoyed me.   I still feel bad.  He was a genuinely nice person but he wasn't somebody I wanted to date.  He just didn't float my boat.  There was zero chemistry & I am somebody who needs that spark.  

When I met men in real life, my preferred method, there were no shortage of suitors & it was easier to weed out the ones I didn't care for without being so cold & deliberate about it, allowing everybody to save face by not pursuing avenues that weren't going to work.  

[CaliforniaGirl]

I feel like the hyper love-bombing and all that is get-in-your-pants stuff. It's not weird that they either have sex and take off, or don't have sex, get mad that they did all that love bombing stuff but still didn't manage to have sex, and take off.

[Versacehottie]

I need to read the rest of the responses.  I think you should keep posting so we can help figure out the problem.  The one thing I would say initially is:

People text and talk too much at the beginning and then the date is a let down.  Or you can keep it more minimal texting, a little flirtatious but not a lot of dialogue beforehand and be the happy surprise.  

The thing is that people who often text/talk too much before meeting up,allow the other person to fill in the blanks and add to their personal fantasy of what their ideal person is attached to the image of you and then real you is not that. (not necessarily looks, let's just say personality, demeanor and perhaps looks since what a person is in movement is different than a still photo).  Also importantly you would have exchanged a lot of facts, life story, perhaps values and all that over text and the phone, missing the opportunity to do all that in person. By how you choose to do it, you effectively taken the least exciting route--though it may feel exciting at the time--the optimal route would be to do all that fact exchange, storytelling in person, which then transfers the EXCITEMENT to the date, being with you vs. it being a LET DOWN off way too much texting excitement beforehand.  It's pretty common and you can avoid the trap leaving most of the storytelling etc to the 1st date so the excitement transfers to you.  It's a bit psychological but you want to CONNECT any feelings of excitement with when a person spends time with you.  Therefore, you are wasting your effort a bit to over text and waste that initial excitement.  Hopefully I'm making sense.  

Also a lot of women don't flirt enough on the first date.  While all your accomplishments are great, he's probably not thinking about all that at step one. He just wants to be attracted and feel chemistry--devote your attention to that otherwise you are friend zoning yourself.

Good luck & keep posting. If you have all this going for yourself, it's just a matter of getting your message out correctly and utilizing different stages and being aware of what is necessary in different stages.  In other words, I think you might be playing the game wrong. Good luck

[dispatch3d]

Hrm for an alternative explanation - I've noticed most girls I go on a first date with me rarely agree to a second, so I stopped asking for a second to avoid the rejection. That could be a relatively benign answer to the problem.

 

[CLS63AMG]

You are messaging and chatting too much before meeting, do that crap on person otherwise you're just shooting yourself in the foot