Lotsgoingon Posted September 24, 2020 Posted September 24, 2020 I see both sides here. On the one hand ... I use "single" to mean I'm not attached to anyone. On the other hand, I use single to mean I'm not married. OP, if this bothers you, that's fine. This could be a red flag and it could be that these guys are for whatever reason wanting to hide their post-divorce relationships. If that bothers you, consider it a red flag and move on. That would not be crazy.
Author Alvi Posted September 24, 2020 Author Posted September 24, 2020 5 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: No, if I were dating right now, I'd say, "I ended a 6-month relationship 3 months ago." That's how men I talk to state it as well, tell me they've been single X amount of time after dating/relationship of X amount of time. Thanks Ruby. This is what I think it should be like. I mean why mention a marriage that failed 10 years ago and state that you've been single for the entire 10 years?
Author Alvi Posted September 24, 2020 Author Posted September 24, 2020 (edited) Thanks everybody for your replies. Let's just say that for me, being 42 years old, dating is a whole new uncharted territory. I am a pretty straightforward person, so perhaps the problem here is that I expect the same in others? Being honest about how long you've been single is apparently is a new dealbreaker for me. Who knew? I honestly don't understand these guys, or what they have to gain here by not being entirely honest. Perhaps they are not over their ex-wives so the other relationships in their minds don't count as anything much. Why tell lies, lies by omission, half-truths, or to mislead a person you are trying to get to know? What is wrong saying: "My marriage ended 10 years ago and I've been dating someone for 4 years and been single for a year." Why omit the entire 10 years past your divorce? Dishonesty or half-truths is not something I can overlook when it comes to my partner. Perhaps I am way overanalyzing it. Obviously these guys are not right for me since I don't believe they were truthful here with me. Or perhaps not. Maybe they are not the right guys for me so that I am trying to find some faults in them. Anyway, thank for explaining few things and terms here. I am honestly at lost when it comes to dating. Dating was a lot easier when I was in my 20th and 30th for sure. Edited September 24, 2020 by Alvi
Watercolors Posted September 24, 2020 Posted September 24, 2020 12 minutes ago, Alvi said: Thanks Ruby. This is what I think it should be like. I mean why mention a marriage that failed 10 years ago and state that you've been single for the entire 10 years? Minus all these silly semantics, do you have any interest in meeting either one of these guys in person? Or, did you want to overanalyze their definition of "single" for a bit longer. They are over 50 years old. How old are you? Are you in the U.S.? Just curious as this seems like you are hyperfocused on what two guys wrote to you online. Instead of grilling them, why not meet them each for a first date in person, and figure out if you even LIKE them enough to want to date them. 1
Watercolors Posted September 24, 2020 Posted September 24, 2020 3 minutes ago, Alvi said: Thanks everybody for your replies. Let's just say that for me, being 42 years old, dating is a whole new uncharted territory. I am a pretty straightforward person, so perhaps the problem here is that I expect the same in others? Being honest about how long you've been single is a new dealbreaker for me. Who knew? I honestly don't understand these guys, or what they have to gain here by not being entirely honest. Perhaps they are not over their ex-wives so the other relationships in their minds don't count as anything much. Why tell lies, lies by omission, mislead a person you are trying to get to know? What is wrong saying: "My marriage ended 10 years ago and I've been dating someone for 4 years and been single for a year." Why omit the entire 10 years past your divorce? Perhaps I am way overanalyzing it. Obviously these guys are not right for me since I don't believe they were truthful here with me. Anyway, thank for explaining few things and terms here. I am honestly at lost when it comes to dating. Dating was a lot easier when I was in my 20th and 30th for sure. I replied before you wrote this post. Yes, you are definitely overanalyzing what they wrote to you. Tomato, tomato, let's call the whole thing off. Why not set aside your fears and just meet each one of them for a first date at a coffee place or something casual. Hire a linguist, if in fact, you need clarity on their ability to date after being divorced). Sarcasm aside, I really think you are overanalyzing and need to calm down.
Author Alvi Posted September 24, 2020 Author Posted September 24, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Minus all these silly semantics, do you have any interest in meeting either one of these guys in person? Or, did you want to overanalyze their definition of "single" for a bit longer. They are over 50 years old. How old are you? Are you in the U.S.? Just curious as this seems like you are hyperfocused on what two guys wrote to you online. Instead of grilling them, why not meet them each for a first date in person, and figure out if you even LIKE them enough to want to date them. I am 42 and live in Canada now. You are right, I think I am just trying to find some negatives in the guys. I think deep down I am afraid of being rejected and hurt. I had a terrible breakup with my ex-fiancé. It' been over 2 years but I cannot get past it no matter how hard I try. He told me a lot of hurtful things and explained how not a single man on this planet would ever want to date me when we broke up. Don't know how to shake that off. This is holding me back, I know. I was in therapy for a while but it didn't do me much good. I met first guy in person for a coffee. He was OK, but not exactly what I am looking for. Edited September 24, 2020 by Alvi
Watercolors Posted September 24, 2020 Posted September 24, 2020 3 minutes ago, Alvi said: I am 42 and live in Canada now. You are right, I think I am just trying to find some negatives in the guys. I think deep down I am afraid of being rejected and hurt. I had a terrible breakup with my ex-fiancé. It' been over 2 years but I cannot get past it no matter how hard I try. He told me a lot of hurtful things and explained how not a single man on this planet would ever want to date me when we broke up. Don't know how to shake that off. This is holding me back, I know. I was in therapy for a while but it didn't do me much good. I met first guy in person for a coffee. He was OK, but not exactly what I am looking for. Ok, at least you met one of the guys in person for coffee. Ah. Now that makes sense why you are emotionally vulnerable. You don't trust men b/c of the way your ex-fiance betrayed your trust. But...try not to project your feelings of anger and frustration you feel towards your ex-fiance on to every single man you meet. They are not him. They will have their own baggage, but they won't necessarily wound you like your ex-fiance did. Stop looking for negatives, b/c if that's all you're looking for that's all you will find. It's due to your grief over your lost relationship. You're not ready to date yet. Yes, it's been 2 years but you are not ready to date. I know some here will suggest a good rebound guy for yourself, to help speed up your healing. And, maybe that could work. But only you can know for sure if that will help you get over your ex-fiance. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted September 24, 2020 Posted September 24, 2020 Like attracts like. Sounds like you're still jaded after your last relationship, and you're attracting guys with the same mindset. I don't think you're putting out the right bait as long as you're stuck in this mindset. Try another counselor, self-help, spiritual development, whatever you need to feel strong and happy again. Once you're there, you'll have much better results. 2
kendahke Posted September 24, 2020 Posted September 24, 2020 19 hours ago, Alvi said: I am afraid of being rejected and hurt. Not everyone you meet is going to want to proceed in a romantic relationship with you--and that's fine. You're not owed a relationship just because you have interest. There is absolutely no guarantee whatsoever in life that you will not be hurt or rejected. None. If fear is going to rule you to this extent, don't date. Everyone has a right to their preferences in a romantic partner. Get your expectations in hand---expectations are future resentments under construction. After a couple of dates, if you're that impacted that they dont' want to go further, then there is something a bit more serious going on that you haven't dealt with and resolved. Quote This is holding me back, I know. I was in therapy for a while but it didn't do me much good. Find another therapist. Sometimes you may have to find someone else who can do the good. They all aren't the same.
hippychick3 Posted September 24, 2020 Posted September 24, 2020 I think it’s a matter of context. I am engaged and still refer to myself as a “single mom” since I have kids and I’m not technically remarried yet. But I’d never actually claim to be single as an individual.
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