Alvi Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Few weeks ago I met a guy on-line and he asked me how long I've been single. I told him and asked him the same question. I knew from our on-line conversation that he has been divorced for more that 10 years now. Imagine my surprise that he told me that he's been single for 10 years! Why no relationships at all for 10 years, I asked him. He explained that since his divorce he had two long term relationships, each lasting for more than four years. They lived together and he was even engaged to the last woman. I was flabbergasted, didn't quite know what to say. He didn't quite say anything more on that subject, when I asked him to collaborate more. Or course, it is not quite my place to ask, but does dating, living together, and/or getting engaged means truly nothing? Few days ago, I talked to another guy. He also told me that he was single ever since his divorce. When I probed further, he fessed up that he's been seeing someone after his divorce for few years. I am not saying it should matter perhaps if you just started dating, but what if you've been dating for years? Can it honestly mean nothing at all? Only being married matters to people? I understand that marriage provides you a lot more security in perhaps both finances and in terms of commitment but still. Do people not commit to their romantic partner unless they are married? What about friends with benefits? Do they matter at all if you are talking about your last relationship? Are you totally single if you are still seeing your FWB? Color me confused here.
GorillaTheater Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 It's just a matter of definitions, I think. If you've been married for a while, I suspect the population often breaks down into "married" and "not married", and "not married" all too often means "single". So I wouldn't necessarily bash this guy for disrespecting relationships as much as debatable terminology. 4
Wiseman2 Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 9 minutes ago, Alvi said: He explained that since his divorce he had two long term relationships, each lasting for more than four years. They lived together and he was even engaged to the last woman. I was flabbergasted Not sure why you are "flabbergasted" by this. How old is he? 1
Author Alvi Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Not sure why you are "flabbergasted" by this. How old is he? Oh, he is over 50. I meant, I didn't understand why he would tell me that he's been single for over 10 years since he had two long term relationships since his divorce. Shouldn't it be him saying that he's been single for a month, six month, a year. I would assume he's been single ever since his last relationship has ended not since his marriage ended. This is what I am confused about, not him being married.
Wiseman2 Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 1 minute ago, Alvi said: Oh, he is over 50. I meant, I didn't understand why he would tell me that he's been single for over 10 years since he had two long term relationships since his divorce. Shouldn't it be him saying that he's been single for a month, six month, a year. I would assume he's been single ever since his last relationship has ended not since his marriage ended. This is what I am confused about, not him being married. "Single" in his case means divorced, not remarried. It does not mean being a monk. Is there a cultural or language barrier? Why not meet rather than all the chitchat and semantics? 3
Ruby Slippers Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 I agree that long-married people might think in different terms. Technically, by law, if you're not married, you're single or divorced. But common knowledge is that "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend" means not single. It doesn't "mean nothing." Many people's post-divorce relationships are much better than their marriages in terms of emotional connection, compatibility, etc. I myself was married once years ago, and a few subsequent relationships were much better than that one turned out to be. 1
Author Alvi Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: I agree that long-married people might think in different terms. Technically, by law, if you're not married, you're single or divorced. But common knowledge is that "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend" means not single. It doesn't "mean nothing." Many people's post-divorce relationships are much better than their marriages in terms of emotional connection, compatibility, etc. I myself was married once years ago, and a few subsequent relationships were much better than that one turned out to be. Thanks Ruby Slippers. But would you say you've been single ever since your last relationship ended or since you were divorced if someone asks you? I mean, if you had few of long term relationships for 10 years, would it make you single for 10 years? By the way, both of these guys started the "how long you've been single" first. Edited September 23, 2020 by Alvi
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 There are no universal definitions. To these men, single means unmarried. They aren't discounting their other relationships but dating is not the same thing as marriage. Don't get upset about the definitions. Just ask probing Qs, as you did, to find out about the new person's dating habits.
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 I don't really think this means it doesn't matter to him. Living with someone to me would indicate it matters very much to him. Maybe he just doesn't want to be married again. Marriage means a lot of entanglements. He may just not want those again, but want the love and companionship of having a live-in monogamous relationship. I think (JMO) that you were a little invasive with your questions, at least as you put them here.
Author Alvi Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 4 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: I don't really think this means it doesn't matter to him. Living with someone to me would indicate it matters very much to him. You would think so, lol. But why not say something like: "I've been single for 6 month, ever since my last relationship ended." rather then saying: "I've been single for the 10 years" Isn't it a bit misleading? That is why i am confused. 7 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: think (JMO) that you were a little invasive with your questions, at least as you put them here. Believe me, they are the ones who started the whole convo. I would not go there myself that soon. They've been grilling me on my past relationship. They were asking me very personal stuff, that is why I fired back.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 You're splitting hairs, OP. Sure, for many of us, "single" means not committed to anyone, married or otherwise. But for many others, it simply means "not married." I wouldn't get too worried about the choice of term. I don't get the impression they're intentionally trying to mislead you or minimize their past relationships.
Author Alvi Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 Just now, ExpatInItaly said: You're splitting hairs, OP. Sure, for many of us, "single" means not committed to anyone, married or otherwise. But for many others, it simply means "not married." I wouldn't get too worried about the choice of term. I don't get the impression they're intentionally trying to mislead you or minimize their past relationships. Perhaps I am thinking and overanalyzing this too much, you are right. But it feels they were trying to mislead me. Maybe just a gut feeling.
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 3 minutes ago, Alvi said: You would think so, lol. But why not say something like: "I've been single for 6 month, ever since my last relationship ended." rather then saying: "I've been single for the 10 years" Isn't it a bit misleading? That is why i am confused. Believe me, they are the ones who started the whole convo. I would not go there myself that soon. They've been grilling me on my past relationship. They were asking me very personal stuff, that is why I fired back. No, not married = single, doesn't it? And I'm not saying you shouldn't have had the conversation. I'm saying what you asked - "does dating, living together, and/or getting engaged mean truly nothing?" - seems really invasive. Or over the top. It seems like an overreaction...he's a stranger. He must have been pretty shocked and really wondered what was up with you. That's what I'm saying. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) 38 minutes ago, Alvi said: Thanks Ruby Slippers. But would you say you've been single ever since your last relationship ended or since you were divorced if someone asks you? I mean, if you had few of long term relationships for 10 years, would it make you single for 10 years? By the way, both of these guys started the "how long you've been single" first. No, if I were dating right now, I'd say, "I ended a 6-month relationship 3 months ago." That's how men I talk to state it as well, tell me they've been single X amount of time after dating/relationship of X amount of time. Edited September 23, 2020 by Ruby Slippers
Els Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Everyone gets to decide what it means for themselves, it's one of those vague terms without any "standard" definition. Personally I definitely considered myself as "not single" whenever I was in an official relationship. If it was just dating and we hadn't introduced each other to friends etc then maybe it would be different.
Author Alvi Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 16 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: No, not married = single, doesn't it? And I'm not saying you shouldn't have had the conversation. I'm saying what you asked - "does dating, living together, and/or getting engaged mean truly nothing?" - seems really invasive. Or over the top. It seems like an overreaction...he's a stranger. He must have been pretty shocked and really wondered what was up with you. That's what I'm saying. This is what I am asking on the forum. I didn't ask them. This is more asking myself question whether anything else rather than marriage means anything.
Wiseman2 Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 24 minutes ago, Alvi said: that is why I fired back. If someone upsets you this much, stop chitchatting. There seems to be way to much interviewing and hair splitting semantics. 1
FMW Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) I think if people are discussing their relationship status it's probably normal if someone says they've been divorced 10 years you then ask a follow up question about any long term relationships since then. I wouldn't ask how long they've been "single" because that clearly could be defined a little differently by different people. I doubt they were trying to hide anything by saying single. ETA: I was married a long time, 23 years, so if someone asked how long I had been single I would automatically count the time from my divorce, not any other relationships I might have had since that time. I'm seeing someone right now and would mention that if I was asked, but I wouldn't mention any previous relationships between my marriage and this one until I knew someone for awhile and then only if there was a reason. It doesn't mean they didn't mean anything. Edited September 23, 2020 by FMW 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 27 minutes ago, Alvi said: This is what I am asking on the forum. I didn't ask them. This is more asking myself question whether anything else rather than marriage means anything. Okay...but see...that sounds like a really defensive question, especially the way you asked these guys. You said you "fired off" the question. Of course there's middle ground. It isn't: either you're married and that "means something," or you're not married and that "means nothing." I don't understand why you think it's one or the other, or why saying you're single (not married) means a relationship "means nothing." Maybe these guys didn't understand that either. I think either way, firing off on them and getting really angry must have made them think you were really odd and it probably scared them quite a bit. Next time I would just try to understand that obviously, people have different definitions (you can see that in this thread alone) and that being single (by the definition of "not married") by no means has to indicate that unmarried relationships "mean nothing." That sounds so melodramatic and over-the-top. Oh my gosh...if a guy said that to me the very first time we talked I would run so fast.
kendahke Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Alvi said: .Few weeks ago I met a guy on-line But why not say something like: "I've been single for 6 month, ever since my last relationship ended." rather then saying: "I've been single for the 10 years" Isn't it a bit misleading? Maybe he doesn't like talking about it; maybe he didn't want to get into those details with you at this point in time. If those relationships are over, then he's single, right? That's all that matters at this point, not dredging up the past for a stranger. He did answer the question truthfully in the way he defines single-hood: not being joined by the state. What matters to him, most likely, is that he isn't encumbered by a license and to him, that means single. He's not being shady. Are you looking for a reason to stop talking to him? Edited September 23, 2020 by kendahke
Azincourt Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Alvi said: Few weeks ago I met a guy on-line and he asked me how long I've been single. I told him and asked him the same question. I knew from our on-line conversation that he has been divorced for more that 10 years now. Imagine my surprise that he told me that he's been single for 10 years! Why is that surprising? There's plenty of people out there who are single for that long and for longer, either people who've been through a bad divorce/break-up and didn't wan to get back so soon back into the dating world, and they've grown accostumed to being single, or they were never interested in long-term relationships all that much. Quote Why no relationships at all for 10 years, I asked him. He explained that since his divorce he had two long term relationships, each lasting for more than four years. They lived together and he was even engaged to the last woman. I was flabbergasted, didn't quite know what to say. He didn't quite say anything more on that subject, when I asked him to collaborate more. Or course, it is not quite my place to ask, but does dating, living together, and/or getting engaged means truly nothing? Hmmm, legally? If I date someone for 1 year, 2 years, 3 years, or more, I don't really count that to be a relationship. My ID says single. It doesn't say ''currently attached to a girlfriend,'' and neither would my ID state such a thing if I was in a domestic long-term relationship with a woman. I've never heard of an ID that states, ''this guy is living domestically with a woman for this long,'' although according to the law, co-habitating with a romantic for x long depending on the state/Country/culture still stands as a marriage. Marriage is an entity completely different from just dating. Co-habitation is complicated, as it can add to a lot of problems. Since I consider myself to be single and so does every other political entity, whenever I'm asked by women about whether I'm single or not, I say that I'm single. Same goes for friends of mine who have women who are single and looking for men to meet, and I also tell the men and the women who have daughters that yeah, I'm single. Then I evaluate what's on offer and I decide from there if staying in my current relationship is the best course of action I can take considering everything. Quote Few days ago, I talked to another guy. He also told me that he was single ever since his divorce. When I probed further, he fessed up that he's been seeing someone after his divorce for few years. I am not saying it should matter perhaps if you just started dating, but what if you've been dating for years? Can it honestly mean nothing at all? Only being married matters to people? I understand that marriage provides you a lot more security in perhaps both finances and in terms of commitment but still. Do people not commit to their romantic partner unless they are married? What about friends with benefits? Do they matter at all if you are talking about your last relationship? Are you totally single if you are still seeing your FWB? Color me confused here. Friends with benefits are a relationship without romantic feelings, just something to enjoy themselves with. Romantic relationships are relationships I take part in because I am attracted to those women and because the sex is good, and there's no drama. No obligations, no responsabilities, no demands. See, the one reason I lose interest in the women I date is because they want me to meet their parents, meet their friends, their brothers and sisters, and when that happens, dating stops being fun and enjoyable and it becomes a chore. I don't want to deal with any problems and demands on any part. Being part of something bigger than me creates stress. Stress creates wrinkles. Stress creates white hair. Stress creates hair loss. Besides, my family is all the way on the other side of the world, which means every woman who dates me doesn't have to deal with ''in-laws'' so why should I ? Unless my name is on a notorized document stating that she owns half of everything I own: I am free to do as I please. If I meet someone who is a better bet as a romantic partner(she's younger than my current girlfriend/hotter/has more money and spends that money on me) sure, yeah, I'll terminate my current relationship and I'll find myself with another girlfriend. Does my ID say that I'm single? Then I'm single. And to all effects, I've been single since I dumped my girlfriend when I found out she was infected with the corona virus. If she was a wife instead that would be different. I reckon I would wait for her to have the infection clear out, and then I get back together with her, but there are suggestions that people who are infected with the virus develop long-lasting health issues that aren't easy to deal with. Since I am not interested in dealing with someone else's problems, the best course of action was to terminate my 2-years long relationship. I would've ended a romantic relationship that had been lasting for twenty years as easily as that, because I only have one life and I don't want to waste what remains of my youth taking care of someone else. Now if I was financially paid to do so, that would be a different matter. Edited September 23, 2020 by Azincourt
Mystery4u Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Single = not being in a relationship. Nothing to do with marriage. That's only when filling out forms where it asks for marital status and shows 'single' an option etc. Anyone who thinks being in a committed relationship but not married, means they are 'single' needs their head examined.
Chilli Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Just because one guy , two , put it that way , doesn't mean that's the way of the world . lf you were married 20yrs though of course that holds a far far bigger realm of importance than a 4yr relationship , or a 6mth relationship , you couldn't even compare they aren't even on the same planet and could've felt like a bit of a failure compared. Who knows why he put it that way but it could be something like that. But personally for me they would still hold a very significant place in heart unless it turned out a total disaster , might prefer wiping that one form the old memory bank. At any rate , so one or two guys put it that way , that doesn't mean much , another guy will put it how it was.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 5 hours ago, Alvi said: Few weeks ago I met a guy on-line and he asked me how long I've been single. I told him and asked him the same question. I knew from our on-line conversation that he has been divorced for more that 10 years now. Imagine my surprise that he told me that he's been single for 10 years! Why no relationships at all for 10 years, I asked him. He explained that since his divorce he had two long term relationships, each lasting for more than four years. They lived together and he was even engaged to the last woman. I was flabbergasted, didn't quite know what to say. He didn't quite say anything more on that subject, when I asked him to collaborate more. Or course, it is not quite my place to ask, but does dating, living together, and/or getting engaged means truly nothing? Few days ago, I talked to another guy. He also told me that he was single ever since his divorce. When I probed further, he fessed up that he's been seeing someone after his divorce for few years. I am not saying it should matter perhaps if you just started dating, but what if you've been dating for years? Can it honestly mean nothing at all? Only being married matters to people? I understand that marriage provides you a lot more security in perhaps both finances and in terms of commitment but still. Do people not commit to their romantic partner unless they are married? What about friends with benefits? Do they matter at all if you are talking about your last relationship? Are you totally single if you are still seeing your FWB? Color me confused here. Yes, if someone walks up and says: "Are you single?" It is perfectly OK within the bounds of ONE definition of that, to see it as a black/white reference to married, or not. And, IF you could do a vast survey, and group various respondents by whether they have actually been married, married, or not... Chances are that their definition of "single" is "not presently married" more often than is the case for 17yo's just out of gym class when some cute sophomore girl inquires as to their social availability. I don't think anything was 'wrong' in his responses... but you needed to clarify IF that (other stuff) was the information you truly wanted. (next time you are going to say: "how long has it been since you dated someone (seriously)?" )
Recommended Posts