Ellener Posted September 24, 2020 Posted September 24, 2020 14 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: Google Borderline Personality Disorder. Not saying she has it, but what you described reminds me very much of the beginnings of my toxic relationship with a woman with BPD. Personality Disorder is not something people should diagnose online without professional counselling. I was married to a man my psychiatrist told me had Narcissistic Personality Disorder after he tried to get me committed to a mental health facility...it took me years to recover from that. But I did, and I had my son too as a result. I wonder how many of the people posting here just don't live their lives and relationships? I did my best. I recommend other people do too. 1
Author Joblot Posted September 24, 2020 Author Posted September 24, 2020 Thanks for the replies? What exactly does she want from me then? I'm confused. She told me today that she has to wear a specific necklace now everyday because it was what she wore when she first saw me and doesn't want to not wear it for fear of us 'f@@@ing up' she rings me up all the time to chat, she's travelling miles to see me over the weekend, I'm totally confused and I feel really untrustworthy of her now.
Wiseman2 Posted September 24, 2020 Posted September 24, 2020 3 minutes ago, Joblot said: What exactly does she want from me then? I'm confused. You're her new toy. She's seems a bit wacky. 1
mark clemson Posted September 24, 2020 Posted September 24, 2020 10 minutes ago, Joblot said: she rings me up all the time to chat, she's travelling miles to see me over the weekend, I'm totally confused and I feel really untrustworthy of her now. You should. The aspects of this that are not normal are big red flags. You are being reeled in. What for isn't entirely clear, but you should be fully prepared for the other shoe to drop when the REST of her dysfunction starts to rear it's head. Personality disorder, disorganized attachment, mental illness, whatever it is it's almost certainly going to start showing up sooner or later. Be ready to put your foot down and break things off then if not preemptively. JMO, but I think if you stick around this is going to be one you "never forget" for some very wrong reasons...
Lotsgoingon Posted September 24, 2020 Posted September 24, 2020 3 hours ago, Joblot said: Thanks for the replies? What exactly does she want from me then? I'm confused. She told me today that she has to wear a specific necklace now everyday because it was what she wore when she first saw me and doesn't want to not wear it for fear of us 'f@@@ing up' she rings me up all the time to chat, she's travelling miles to see me over the weekend, I'm totally confused and I feel really untrustworthy of her now. If you cannot figure out what someone wants with you--someone this passionate and clingy--that's a signal that you're in dangerous territory. Here's the rule on "knowing" what someone wants and so on. It doesn't matter what they want. It ain't good. They may have no clue what they want. If I had to guess, I would say she is someone who doesn't have good friends and cannot sustain relationships or attachments. If you were to meet the last 20 people she's been close with, all of these relationships would have ended in a fight of some kind. She goes from one guy to the next. She always starts with high charm and seduction and interest ... and then she gets nasty. But ... you don't need to know "what" is going on because by the time you figure out exactly the plot, you'll be so deep in it, that escaping will be a titanic fight. That you are on this board expressing concern is a major red flag. It means your brain, your body, your nervous system in charge of protecting you, knows something isn't right. What worries me: you seen scared to stand up to her and set boundaries with her. Scared to say no, I don't want to see you this weekend. No, I don't want to talk to you several times a day. That's a red flag, meaning you are very vulnerable to her manipulations ... Call friends, call a counselor ... do whatever you need to do to get the confidence to tell this woman to slow the hell down--and really to tell her you don't want a relationship. Right now, I'm sensing that you could tell her you want to slow down, and she'd press you ... and kiss you and use her words ... and you'd bend to her will. That means she is controlling you. You are over your head here. Get the heck out! Women like this do not take no well, but the longer you wait, the angrier and nastier they'll be. Tell some real people around you about your worries about her--tell them now. Because when she starts to stalk and act nutty, you might be too embarrassed to tell people about her. Tell them now ... and tell them you have a bad feeling. So when she acts obsessive and follows you around and calls you nonstop, you can call up people for sanity checks. The fury is coming bro--the moment you tell her no. Coming big time. The longer you wait, the worst the fury will be, the stronger you'll have to be. 4
ccas93 Posted September 25, 2020 Posted September 25, 2020 a girl like this can ruin your life or leave a fat ripple in it if you're not careful.
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 25, 2020 Posted September 25, 2020 12 hours ago, Joblot said: Thanks for the replies? What exactly does she want from me then? I'm confused. She told me today that she has to wear a specific necklace now everyday because it was what she wore when she first saw me and doesn't want to not wear it for fear of us 'f@@@ing up' she rings me up all the time to chat, she's travelling miles to see me over the weekend, I'm totally confused and I feel really untrustworthy of her now. Okay, that's just weird.
Chilli Posted September 25, 2020 Posted September 25, 2020 Writings all over the wall in BIG block letters with her buddy,. Mind you could play tit for tat and rub a few young chicks in her face guarantee that'll be some nice well, it'll really piss her off put it that way. But eh games are just a ridiculous way to live. Find someone your own age that appreciates you and isn;t scanning for the next ego boost 24 7
dangerous Posted September 27, 2020 Posted September 27, 2020 (edited) I agree, been in a similar situation myself. She is full on "loving" you now. In time it WILL turn into full on "controlling" and then when it ends she will full on "demonise" you, as the next guy will have all her "love". These people are passionate with a capital P. Of course it is exciting sex and attention, but then the jealousy, the moods, the tantrums will follow. If you find out about her past, there will be a history of "disasters", sob-stories of ill-treatment and it never being her fault. The only healthy way to look at this, is enjoy it for the passion, but as soon as the bad-times come, move on. The bad times will come for sure. Edited September 27, 2020 by dangerous
OnlyHonesty Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 On 9/23/2020 at 1:02 PM, Joblot said: could anyone shed some light on this? Am I just overthinking? I hit the forum character response limit when I tried to list all of the red flags.... What has happened here is she has penetrated your ego, but your underlying true self that is only fed by truth and honor, is alerting you to a problem. Personally, I would walk away. Do not be taken in by all of the attention, affection, and sexual energy. Only make decisions based on logic and truth. 2
Wiseman2 Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 Many people have the same questions 4 hours ago, Lookingforlasting said: Is your attraction to older women anything to do with you relationship with your mother in your opinion? For good or bad reasons?
Calmandfocused Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 Don’t be flattered by her excessive attention. I’m sure you are an amazing guy but this is not about you. It’s about her getting her needs met. She saw you as ripe for the picking and she wasn’t wrong. People like this can sniff their victims out from miles away. What she wants is to feed her beast. You are obliging by throwing her big chunks of meat. And she’s using others as side snacks. Maybe you like the drama, maybe you’re fascinated to see what horror/ delight will next be thrown your way - I get it, I’ve been addicted before. All we can do is hope that you stop this before you become too ensnared and spare yourself the pain that is inevitable coming your way. 1
Weezy1973 Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 I’m not a professional at all, but honestly google Borderline Personality Disorder. As someone mentioned above - talk to people around you about what’s happening. She’ll likely try to separate you from friends and family. Don’t let that happen. Better yet, just end things. 1
TheFinalWord Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 (edited) This woman is for the streets. Don't get emotionally invested. But bro, it's one thing to not act jealous, but if you didn't put your foot down, then yeah, she now knows you're submissive and won't stand up to her. So, no she isn't going to look up to you. She's just infatuated because you're younger and it makes her feel attractive that a younger guy likes her. But make no mistake about it, if she is pushing you away so other men think she's single? That means if the opportunity arises, she'll drop you. A woman that is truly into you, will take herself off the market. She'll want other people to see she is yours. If you want, you can tell her this bothers you. But actions speak louder than words. She's already shown you through her actions, she doesn't see you as her ideal choice. Not passing these sheet rock tests makes you less attractive to her. I would just be careful getting invested emotionally. Keep it casual and just know those words she is saying, only apply in that exact moment. They don't apply 10 days, 10 hours, or in this woman's case, even 10 seconds. Don't allow yourself to get one-itis with her, or you're setting yourself up to get hurt. Edited September 28, 2020 by TheFinalWord spelling
Author Joblot Posted September 30, 2020 Author Posted September 30, 2020 Thanks. It all makes sense however she comes across so sincere it's hard to actually think she's being like this. I am taking a step back and trying to see past the attraction. The age gap doesn't bother me and has nothing to do owth my mother. She is affectionate in public, will happily hold hands down the street. She encourages me in my work and personal life, gets concerned if I'm unwell, all the things you would say is 'normal' I even met her mother and sister not so long ago. Unfortunately now I am under local restrictions because of corona so I can't see her. She has told me she will wait thats she's not going anywhere and will be waiting for when I'm free to see her again.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 30, 2020 Posted September 30, 2020 On 9/23/2020 at 8:21 AM, elaine567 said: The problem is that most people post for help on LS about serious issues. They do not post with trivial little things that we can all advise them positively about. They usually have friends and relatives for that. They post here when they feel they are all out of other options. They post about glaring incompatibilities, about odd and scary behaviours, about infidelity, about abuse, about mental illness, about serious personality disorders, about hurt, misery and disappointment... etc. etc..... How can LS posters be positive when the obvious and sensible thing to do is almost always going to be run for the hills and never look back... This was very well conceived... (but the way it began had me hoping you were going to spell-out this OP's concern... ) 30/39 isn't remarkably unique, age-wise anymore... and it's possible both of them qualify very near to the center of normalcy... (with a spritz of Covid times affecting them). I also sense that perhaps she is noticeable... and thus displays the effects of being attractive, at least to some degree. It might be unique to be around, even when you're the man dating her. And without detail, her having cheated on her last partner is not by itself enough to convict her of being an immoral or unworthy person. (would want to know the circumstances... and I would generally suggest that somebody who knew they were completely dastardly in so doing, wouldn't have volunteered the information)
basil67 Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 On 9/25/2020 at 2:35 AM, Joblot said: What exactly does she want from me then? I'm confused. It doesn't matter what she wants from you. What matters is whether or not she ticks the boxes of someone you want as a partner.
Author Joblot Posted October 1, 2020 Author Posted October 1, 2020 13 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: This was very well conceived... (but the way it began had me hoping you were going to spell-out this OP's concern... ) 30/39 isn't remarkably unique, age-wise anymore... and it's possible both of them qualify very near to the center of normalcy... (with a spritz of Covid times affecting them). I also sense that perhaps she is noticeable... and thus displays the effects of being attractive, at least to some degree. It might be unique to be around, even when you're the man dating her. And without detail, her having cheated on her last partner is not by itself enough to convict her of being an immoral or unworthy person. (would want to know the circumstances... and I would generally suggest that somebody who knew they were completely dastardly in so doing, wouldn't have volunteered the information) The age gap doesn't bother me. She said at the beginning she was concerned that I would get bored and leave. Or I'm not old enough to settle down. I am. I know what I want. As I've grown to know her she does have a genuine heart and kindness. I dint beleive a person can be like this without doing it genuinely. I truly believe she has a big heart. She is noticeable all the men look at her when we walk past and sometimes I feel I'm not good enough but she is the one who says I am. I'm taking each step as it comes. She told me her cheating early on and what I can gather her relationship wasn't a happy one. I'm not condoning it and I don't ask about it. I feel have to trust her completely.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 5 hours ago, Joblot said: The age gap doesn't bother me. She said at the beginning she was concerned that I would get bored and leave. Or I'm not old enough to settle down. I am. I know what I want. As I've grown to know her she does have a genuine heart and kindness. I dint beleive a person can be like this without doing it genuinely. I truly believe she has a big heart. She is noticeable all the men look at her when we walk past and sometimes I feel I'm not good enough but she is the one who says I am. I'm taking each step as it comes. She told me her cheating early on and what I can gather her relationship wasn't a happy one. I'm not condoning it and I don't ask about it. I feel have to trust her completely. lol... OK, the mere fact that she is an "older woman" must then be the giant concern per the title YOU selected for this thread. I now accept that you don't care whether she is 6 weeks older than you, or a hundred years older than you, the "gap (itself) doesn't bother you". Maybe you'd be helped by occupying HER shoes as she ponders a relationship with you: "I'm 39, he's 30, he's sure to one day wake up and want to be with what at least used to be the hottest 23yo body he could get (at the point when he WAS 30) (clarity: somebody 7-ish years younger than yourself, and 16 years younger than HER, at whatever future moment you would awaken with her expected mindset)... (and) I don't know WHAT means I have to combat THAT likely future urge... (thinking to herself: "Are men like that? Cosmo and all of the magazines say yes, and all of the letters to online message boards suggest that they are {cuz they're only written BY those who've lost lovers to younger partners - the content and happy ones have no reason to write-in } ) What can I possibly say or DO in order to keep this considerably younger guy INTERESTED in me? And should I pay attention to what my friends are saying now? I think my friends will like him as an individual, but it feels as though, when we're sitting at (outdoor) tables (somewhat) together (with masks on, and half of our faces covered), there is CONstantly a sign above his chair, visible only to my friends, which has "only 30" written in HUGE letters... as I here approach the dreaded "40". Well, maybe I'll go home, and just remind myself to (perform oral sex on him) OFTEN, and with vigor and intent unmatched by most 23yo's... I dunno if this is going to work... how am I going to keep this guy??? You're not the only person at LS who just needs to move forward with (more) confidence (than you have been exuding up until this point). It is even possible that you are indeed NOT bothered by the age gap OR her being older... BUT (that) you are considerably IN FEAR that SHE IS bothered by those numbers. (and any concern she exudes on the age topic COULD EVEN BE a function of HER worry that YOU aren't being honest in your stated LACK of concern about the age difference ) SO rather than get into this convoluted guess work at whether any of her concerns are only a reflection of what she thinks are YOUR concerns... just drop the (over-thinking when you're alone without her) and move forward with confidence and expect that she'll tell you when you should no longer do so. It's possible that attractive women don't do enough documentation of their feelings and observations in those moments where it is obvious that their appearances is drawing male attention to convey clearly to men the unique feelings (reflexes?) they have upon being obviously noticed. The more attractive they are, the easier it is for them to get whatever they want, socially, and thus the less room they have for somebody who has no confidence. So stop fretting and do whatever Covid will allow for the time being.
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