Joblot Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 I'm 30, she is 39. We met online during lockdown and chatted everyday on phone or Skype. She got very intense saying lots of things about love etc very early and I backed away. For 3 weeks solid she wouldn't let me go, she kept messaging and messaging, trying to call etc and pleaded with MeV to meet up with her. She didn't give up and I think that showed how much she liked me. I agreed to meet up with her and she really took me by surprise. I did grow feelings for her previously so we had history but meeting her really changed my view point and we've know been dating for two months. We have had nights away, she is extremely loving and affectionate towards me, always wanting to touch me and be near to me. She has no problem being affectionate in public, holding hands, kissing etc. She talks about a future with me, says she never met anyone like me before who looks at her the way I do and treats her th way I do like I'm the only girl around. She calls me 'her boy' says I'm handsome etc etc. She travels to see me, asks to see me etc and to be hinest ive not had this much attention from a girl before. She worrys I will 'get bored' or get fed up of her too. She also has taken a new job in the mall and she told me is worried about 'us' because it will be different when we can see eachother. im totally into this girl, however I'm almost constantly anxious that she is going off me or I aren't good enough. I don't tell her this. I also feel like she is being dishonest. She has given me no reason to be,I've this but a few things have bugged me when we are out together. She also cheated on her last partner and didn't tell me about her ex until recently. Which is fine. When we are out she also glances at other guys and one time we were sitting on a chair, she was cuddled up to me and a 'hot' guy walked past and she immediately leaned away from me, stopped holding my hand and stared at this guy! I think she could tell I was pretty peed and I mentioned him and she said he was hot. Then proceeded to tell me how much she's into me, and wants to be with me etc. She also mentions a lot about guys talking to her or looking at her etc. I never show I'm jealous, I just go along with it, however I can't help feel some doubt. she shows me so much and always messages me through the day, even the slightest hint of another girl she gets jealous, always wants to know what I'm doing or where I'm going. If I'm driving in the car she immediately asks what I'm upto. She has also said she has doubts about me that I want to be with her after I always try and reassure her. could anyone shed some light on this? Am I just overthinking?
ShyViolet Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Your post is absolutely full of red flags. Her behavior is unhealthy, clingy, insecure, just a mess. This person doesn't even sound totally ready to be in a relationship, emotionally and mentally. She sounds co-dependent. Be very, very careful in getting involved with this person. 7
kendahke Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 I'd fill the air with asbestos from slamming on the brakes with this one. She's too inconsistent--and if she's a cheater, then she knows how to do it and keep you in the dark for as long as she needs to. You needed to follow your first mind when you backed off--you were right for a reason. 1
lurker74 Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) There is a tendency on Loveshack for people to be really negative really quickly. So many people here have been hurt multiple times that they see the smallest thing and advise posters to drop the person like a bad habit and move on. With that said... RUN! Run away fast and don't look back! Love bombing? Check Jealousy farming? Check Gawking at hotties? Check Controlling jealousy? Check I'm willing to bet she's great in bed. The "crazy" ones usually are because they use that to trap people. Don't fall for it. In six months time, she'll be controlling your life and causing you pain. Best to end it now. Edited September 23, 2020 by lurker74 3
kendahke Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 9 minutes ago, lurker74 said: There is a tendency on Loveshack for people to be really negative really quickly. So many people here have been hurt multiple times that they see the smallest thing and advise posters to drop the person like a bad habit and move on. And more often than not, we're right in our assessment because the poster comes back and fills us in on the mess they went through by not listening to our advice. Experience trumps wishful thinking/fantasizing. Human nature doesn't change--messy people can be spotted 500 miles away. The problem comes when the poster thinks they are the exception and not the rule because it's them and they want what/who they want. No one gets back the youth they wasted behind some F-$#!+ they were advised to get away from months/years earlier. 4
elaine567 Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 19 minutes ago, lurker74 said: There is a tendency on Loveshack for people to be really negative really quickly. So many people here have been hurt multiple times that they see the smallest thing and advise posters to drop the person like a bad habit and move on The problem is that most people post on LS with serious issues. 2
elaine567 Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 19 minutes ago, lurker74 said: There is a tendency on Loveshack for people to be really negative really quickly. So many people here have been hurt multiple times that they see the smallest thing and advise posters to drop the person like a bad habit and move on The problem is that most people post for help on LS about serious issues. They do not post with trivial little things that we can all advise them positively about. They usually have friends and relatives for that. They post here when they feel they are all out of other options. They post about glaring incompatibilities, about odd and scary behaviours, about infidelity, about abuse, about mental illness, about serious personality disorders, about hurt, misery and disappointment... etc. etc..... How can LS posters be positive when the obvious and sensible thing to do is almost always going to be run for the hills and never look back... 1 2
Calmandfocused Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 A toxic relationship in the making. Worse is yet to come. Be on guard! When someone’s behaviour is confusing, erratic and intense, the aim is to destabilise you and attach you to them. Once you’re “addicted” the fun really begins! It’s like a rollercoaster that starts off slow and builds up speed rapidly, sending you giddy and disoriented. Pull the emergency brakes and get off this ride quickly. In time you’ll start to feel your feet firmly back on the ground. 2
schlumpy Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Just say no once in a while so she understands she is not in the drivers seat. She will most likely fade away on you. 3
mark clemson Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 4 hours ago, Joblot said: - When we are out she also glances at other guys - She also mentions a lot about guys talking to her or looking at her etc. - one time we were sitting on a chair, she was cuddled up to me and a 'hot' guy walked past and she immediately leaned away from me, stopped holding my hand and stared at this guy! She worrys I will 'get bored' or get fed up of her Hmmm. Wonder why that might be? Your gut and the posters above are right. Something is very off here.
Ellener Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 4 hours ago, Joblot said: I'm almost constantly anxious that she is going off me or I aren't good enough. Only you can fix your self-esteem, regardless of what she does. I'd enjoy it whilst it lasts, if it were me, with no strong expectations long-term. 59 minutes ago, elaine567 said: How can LS posters be positive when the obvious and sensible thing to do is almost always going to be run for the hills and never look back... I don't know about that! I have done/said some pretty 'crazy' relationship things myself over the years. But the rules I stick to these middle-age days are very basic: be kind, don't cheat/lie/steal! And I wouldn't want to be with someone who did those things. No relationship is perfect though, people tend to lay it all out there when they get into a relationship, for better or for worse...this one sounds like a roller-coaster @Joblot I don't regret any of the relationships in my life though, even though none of them worked out as a permanent partner, I wanted to live life to the full and I did. The fantasy is often better than the reality when it comes down to it with relationships I think, our expectations often aren't realistic of ourself never mind anyone else. 2
Weezy1973 Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Google Borderline Personality Disorder. Not saying she has it, but what you described reminds me very much of the beginnings of my toxic relationship with a woman with BPD. 1
Wiseman2 Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 4 hours ago, Joblot said: I'm 30, she is 39. we've know been dating for two months. She calls me 'her boy' I also feel like she is being dishonest. She also cheated on her last partner . She also mentions a lot about guys talking to her or looking at her etc. Unfortunately she so insecure "reassuring" her will be a high maintenance full-time headache. In fact it sounds like you are just something to validate herself by having her own boy-toy. When the fun wears off tiptoe out of this.
Wiseman2 Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Just now, Wiseman2 said: Unfortunately she so insecure "reassuring" her will be a high maintenance full-time headache. In fact it sounds like you are just something to validate herself by having her own boy-toy. Like one of those dogs that fit in a purse. When the fun wears off tiptoe out of this.
ajequals Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 My take on this is ..Your enjoying her company. She has had issues in the past. more life experience. But she sounds like she enjoys your company I would see where it goes. but keep some distance No reason to dive all in. become infatuated
Watercolors Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 This r/s sounds like it started on shaky ground and will never reach stability. She’s too volatile and you’re too insecure. I think you are wasting your time with this woman. She’s bad news all around. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 6 hours ago, Joblot said: For 3 weeks solid she wouldn't let me go, she kept messaging and messaging, trying to call etc and pleaded with MeV to meet up with her. She didn't give up and I think that showed how much she liked me. Major red flag here. You abandoned yourself and gave in. You do NOT want to go out with someone just because they want to go out with you. And your thinking is wrong: going after someone obsessive for three weeks is NOT showing you how much she liked you. It's showing how desperate and manipulative she is and how obsessive and clingy and controlling she is. Anyone worth dating wouldn't waste three weeks on one person they barely know. You want someone who has their own rich life right outside of dating. Someone who actually has to open the calendar and make room for you because she has so much other good stuff going on. You want to be attracted to someone who is living a great life--not someone who is obsessed with you! She doesn't know you well enough to justify hitting on you for three weeks. Cheating on her bf, another red flag. And how did you learn this so early? That's a red flag that you even know this so soon--she must have disclosed it. Checking out other guys--even when you are cuddling--dude, how many red flags do you need? She is likely setting you up some big scam. Like a major money request is coming or a request that she live with you. My experience of people like this, they have nasty tempers, frighteningly nasty. And the longer you stay with them, the nastier she'll get when you break things off. You've already "taught" that you can be manipulated, by coming to her after those three weeks. You don't think of it that way. She does. She now thinks she can get her way with you and that you can't say no and won't stand up to her. And the disclosure that she "cheated," that's a major Mind#@#%. That's going to be in your head, nagging at you, causing insecurity. Get out now ... but brace yourself. You are going to get hit with an onslaught of anger and fury (mixed maybe with some apology and seduction)--that will add up to emotional manipulation the likes of what you have never experienced in your life. Her age has nothing to do with this. She was like this ten years ago. 2
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) I think she wants a Hollywood-style "big romance" relationship, but it could be with anybody. You're just a body she stuck in there. Naturally, with literally any man, the Hollywood veneer is going to start chipping off immediately, because nobody is a walking rom-com, so she's always looking for the next likely candidate. Edited September 23, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl Department of Redundancy Department 3
Sunnyzwei1989 Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 You’re her main squeeze til the next hottie comes around. She will always be on the lookout for your replacement. I’d back off a little to see how she reacts.
Maldives Posted September 24, 2020 Posted September 24, 2020 12 hours ago, Joblot said: I'm 30, she is 39. We met online during lockdown and chatted everyday on phone or Skype. She got very intense saying lots of things about love etc very early and I backed away. For 3 weeks solid she wouldn't let me go, she kept messaging and messaging, trying to call etc and pleaded with MeV to meet up with her. She didn't give up and I think that showed how much she liked me. I agreed to meet up with her and she really took me by surprise. I did grow feelings for her previously so we had history but meeting her really changed my view point and we've know been dating for two months. We have had nights away, she is extremely loving and affectionate towards me, always wanting to touch me and be near to me. She has no problem being affectionate in public, holding hands, kissing etc. She talks about a future with me, says she never met anyone like me before who looks at her the way I do and treats her th way I do like I'm the only girl around. She calls me 'her boy' says I'm handsome etc etc. She travels to see me, asks to see me etc and to be hinest ive not had this much attention from a girl before. She worrys I will 'get bored' or get fed up of her too. She also has taken a new job in the mall and she told me is worried about 'us' because it will be different when we can see eachother. im totally into this girl, however I'm almost constantly anxious that she is going off me or I aren't good enough. I don't tell her this. I also feel like she is being dishonest. She has given me no reason to be,I've this but a few things have bugged me when we are out together. She also cheated on her last partner and didn't tell me about her ex until recently. Which is fine. When we are out she also glances at other guys and one time we were sitting on a chair, she was cuddled up to me and a 'hot' guy walked past and she immediately leaned away from me, stopped holding my hand and stared at this guy! I think she could tell I was pretty peed and I mentioned him and she said he was hot. Then proceeded to tell me how much she's into me, and wants to be with me etc. She also mentions a lot about guys talking to her or looking at her etc. I never show I'm jealous, I just go along with it, however I can't help feel some doubt. she shows me so much and always messages me through the day, even the slightest hint of another girl she gets jealous, always wants to know what I'm doing or where I'm going. If I'm driving in the car she immediately asks what I'm upto. She has also said she has doubts about me that I want to be with her after I always try and reassure her. could anyone shed some light on this? Am I just overthinking? Sounds like love bombing that thing about her cheating is a huge red flag if she did it to him she could do it to you me personally if I knew they had a history of cheating that would be a deal breaker as I've had that happen to me before once a cheater always a cheater 1
cousineddy Posted September 24, 2020 Posted September 24, 2020 Dude, does she know where you live? lol I have had a couple like that! The last one nearly required a restraining order and she even tracked down my ex via and called her! She works at the mall at 39? I mean, I will try not to judge but...... Does she sell perfume? Really though, you seem to need/want/desire all this attention but it will get old real quick because it is not healthy. This is called co-dependence and it is a disorder. You need to make an escape AND cover your 6 because she WILL stalk you! Be ready for it! 1
Trail Blazer Posted September 24, 2020 Posted September 24, 2020 Oh, dude! This is a chick you have a fling with, not one you fall for. This has disaster written all over it! 3
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