I met someone I thought was the real deal, I'm now unsure if he's fading out

[dmf]

I will try to keep this reasonably brief but I think context is important.. I’m in a new city so I don’t know that many people and quality dating opportunities have been scarce with Covid. I met someone on Hinge recently who I really thought was the real deal - we are from the same country originally and have so many similar interests and passions which we bonded over. It’s probably worth noting that we were both a bit bad at replying initially and it took a few attempts by each of us to really get the conversation flowing. But once it did.. oh boy. We couldn’t get enough of each other, he was telling his friends about me, I even ended up speaking to one of them on the phone as he called and put me on speaker while they were together. 

All signs were good and we were both in disbelief at what had seemingly blossomed, we met and went for a big walk with my dog and got coffee and dinner and were feeling comfortable so had it at my house. He had said previously that he would absolutely not try to sleep with me on the first date as he felt this was something real and wanted to treat it as such. 

We didn’t plan on him staying but we do have a curfew here and that flew by without either of us realising. So he stayed and was completely true to his word, we did no more than kiss and he just held me all night. At one point I must have turned over and in his sleep he said “no babe get back here”, adorable stuff right?

Morning comes, we cuddle, kiss some more, I make coffee, we hang and chat a bit then he heads out around 10:30 as he promised a mate he’d help him with something. 

He sent me a cute message when he got home then was with his mates the rest of the weekend (does have a really strong friend crew, I have no issue with this). He did text me “miss your face” at some point during the night. 

This brings me up to the present. Communication since the weekend seems to have dropped off and I’m getting serious “fade out” vibes. We messaged a little and he mentioned work was super busy so I told him to give me a call later in the day if he wanted to - he said he would, called me darling, and then never called  

I messaged him in excitement about something I’d been working on (just a quick message) today and he read it within minutes then didn’t reply. 

Im so freaking confused. Everything seemed to be going absolutely perfectly and I’m feeling in my gut that he’s doing the slow fade. Im not the needy type so I’m just giving him some space and seeing what happens, but I feel like it’s way too soon for communication to have dropped off so much in comparison with how we were before. 

Why do people do this? How do I approach it? Do I just keep silent and wait it out and hope he’s just busy and comes around? Or let him know I want to be with someone who doesn’t leave me confused about how he feels. 

[Wiseman2]

Ok, just lay back a bit and see if he responds. Let him process this extended first date, perhaps things move too quickly.

[smackie9]

I agree men go back into their snail shell to process their feelings. Give him some space and don't confront him...it will only make him scamper away.

[ExpatInItaly]

It’s only been one date, right? Relax. 

I also tend to think he might be changing his mind about things, but you also hardly know him. See what he does of his own volition without any nudging from you. He knows he dropped the ball on calling you. Sending a text anyway wasn’t necessary to remind him that you’re there and want to hear from him. He knows. 

If he doesn’t reply, then you’ll know he isn’t interested and it’s not really worth a talk. One date is a drop in the bucket, which is why sleepovers tend to not be a good idea so soon. It creates a false sense of intimacy with someone who is still virtually a stranger. I get there was a curfew but I still would still keep perspective and remember that it’s way too soon to assume it meant something more. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

Being honest: I find the sleepover and cuddles thing odd and it always seems to just wind up confusing and usually fizzles out. That's just an observation from Loveshack; I don't know any friends it's happened to or anything.

It may sound cynical but I think it's realistic - he was testing the waters saying he wouldn't "try to"(??) sleep with you, he did the "cuddle" thing and waited for you to be so bowled over by his sincerity that you said no, no, you WANT this, while he said no, he promised and then, well, deal sealed.

But you didn't.

It just has that whole love bomb, rush an instant connection feel.

I could be wrong. See what happens.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

I agree men go back into their snail shell to process their feelings. Give him some space and don't confront him...it will only make him scamper away.

This may certainly be true of some men but I never had an interested man pull back. They always made sure not to let me forget about them.

That's just my personal experience.

ETA: I agree about not confronting. No matter what I don't see how that would help. It's going to be a turnoff whether he likes her or isn't sure about her.

 

Edited September 21, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[poppyfields]

How old is he?  I think his "friend crew" may have something to do with this.

Sounds like you got super close, it sounds sweet!  All the cuddling, him saying "babe get back here" when you turned over.  Very very sweet.  

So he leaves to spend time with his "friend crew" and now he's pulled back.

Yeah, he may have said a bit too much to his crew.   They gave him a hard time, told him to stop being a "pansy" lol, told him to be "cool," so guy got embarrassed, and pulled back.  

I grew up with several brothers and had to listen to this stuff from them and their friends so it does happen. 

Try and chill, do not chase!  

Edited September 21, 2020 by poppyfields

[d0nnivain]

The cuddling with no sex on a 1st date always seems odd to me.  He could have decided you are a cold fish or a tease.  His friends could have planted similar negative ideas in his head. 

IMO if you are not willing to have sex don't climb in bed with a new partner / date.  

[Alvi]

4 hours ago, dmf said:

We couldn’t get enough of each other, he was telling his friends about me, I even ended up speaking to one of them on the phone as he called and put me on speaker while they were together. 

He was telling his friends about a woman he never actually met? Isn't it a bit premature? You actually talked to his friend? Say no to that ridiculous request next time. Way too soon to talk to his friends. Does he require his friend's seal of approval before going on a date with you or something?

I am sorry, this is weird. 

1 hour ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Being honest: I find the sleepover and cuddles thing odd and it always seems to just wind up confusing and usually fizzles out. That's just an observation from Loveshack; I don't know any friends it's happened to or anything.

It may sound cynical but I think it's realistic - he was testing the waters saying he wouldn't "try to"(??) sleep with you, he did the "cuddle" thing and waited for you to be so bowled over by his sincerity that you said no, no, you WANT this, while he said no, he promised and then, well, deal sealed.

But you didn't.

It just has that whole love bomb, rush an instant connection feel.

I could be wrong. See what happens.

You might be right. I find the more guy tells you that he doesn't want to have sex with you, really really doesn't want to sleep with you, oh no, it is too soon for him, the more he does want it. If he  is not interested in sex or thinks it is too soon, he simply would not mention it or would not make any moves. There would not be any cuddling is he wasn't interested. I've met my fair share of these kind of clowns who insisted that they don't want sex from me, only to get upset when there was actually no sex.

I wonder if a guy is a player. Lovebombed you at first, told you whatever you wanted to hear, agreed with whatever you were saying. He created some false sense of connection, tried to make you secure by saying that he is not just after sex. And when he realized that you took him literally at "no sex really literally means no sex" he found another target.

For most guys staying at your place overnight = sex. Inviting you to stay overnight = sex. Watching a movie at him or your place = sex. Cuddling = prelude to sex. Like it or not, it is the way it is.

Edited September 22, 2020 by Alvi

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

The cuddling with no sex on a 1st date always seems odd to me.  He could have decided you are a cold fish or a tease.  His friends could have planted similar negative ideas in his head. 

Yup, that's what I said too more or less.  Not so much she's a "cold fish" or "tease" but since he was going on and on about you, and had you even speak with one of his friends, godonlyknows the crap he's hearing from them. 

Especially about all the cuddling.  Don't get me wrong, I think it's sweet, so do many guys!  Obviously.

Just don't tell your friends otherwise your gonna hear shyt about it, especially if he's young 18-24 (generally speaking). 

[MsJayne]

My guess would be that he has met someone else on Hinge and you've been relegated to back-up plan. When he finally texts you I hope you ignore it. If he was really keen he'd respond within a reasonable time no matter what his mates had to say.  If he does really like you and he's playing hard to get you may as well run now, game players are always immature and hard work. 

[Fletch Lives]

7 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I agree men go back into their snail shell to process their feelings. Give him some space and don't confront him...it will only make him scamper away.

Yup. Men sometimes need some healthy space and like to withdraw into their cave.

It's only been a couple days since the date, right? Give it some time - give it a week. Relax, breathe.

[Dork Vader]

13 hours ago, dmf said:

Why do people do this? How do I approach it?

We can't tell  you why, there are a host of reasons this could have happened. All we can do is speculate and that's not going to do you any good, especially if our guesses are not right. 

I agree with the OP who said just layback and see if he comes around. He might.. He did say he was busy with work, so for now take him at his word. 

[Redhead14]

Good Lord, girl.  Some texts and chats and one date tells you that this is the "real deal"?????  And, you are fretting over delayed response to one text.  The guy told you work was busy for him.  Why not just live your life and continue to observe.  You are in an evaluation phase.  Observe whether he communicates the way you want/need and give him at least a tiny bit of space.  It's only been one date.  He isn't going to make you a huge priority yet.  Sit back a little.  And, it's not a good idea to take a virtual stranger to your home no matter what.  Chillax.

[Trail Blazer]

I find it so perplexing that many women feel that if a guy isn't blowing up her cell with text messages after one date that he may be doing a slow fade, or isn't interested any more, etc. etc.

If a guy is so into you that he's blowing up your inbox with DMs after one date, you'd probably be repulsed by his clinginess and think he's a loser with no life and nothing else to do.

If a guy doesn't reply, he's probably busy.  If he continually doesn't reply, even after you've tried initiating a couple of times, then chances are, yes, he's no longer interested.

Just sit back, play it cool and take it as it comes.  The only thing you can control is your own response and thought processes.  Move on if his commitment doesn't match yours.  But give it more time first.

[Wiseman2]

The first meeting shouldn't last 24 hours. That's way too much way too soon.

It's overwhelming and oversaturating. Try not to feel this lonely and more importantly, do not build false intimacy and trust through online chitchat.

[dispatch3d]

For sure moving too fast. It seems incredibly obvious to me.