Guy stopped sending messages all of a sudden

[ExpatInItaly]

Some people seem to be taking this far more seriously than OP herself...

[Trail Blazer]

50 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Why are you negging this girl?

Negging?  Please!

I'm just trying to help OP understand what many posters have been saying.  

[girlnextdoor2020]

7 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

So, he lost interest?  And you noticed it?  No, you actually couldn't make sense of it when it was obvious from the beginning.  It happens all the time.  People lose interest.   It was only one date you went on after all! 

If this same thing happened after date five or six, I'd say that it's pretty poor form on his part.  But one date?  You were sleuthing around at his SM activity, which I find really bizarre and obsessive.  You shouldn't even be adding people on SM after one date!

I get it, you're pretty bummed.  The guy was obviously a catch.  Guess what?  The better looking/more attractive he is, the more in demand he'll be.  Sorry, but obviously he had a better option than you (in his own mind).  That's what it boils down to....

Hopefully this guy you're seeing Friday sees you as one of his better options, or best option.  When two people happen to find that they're both each other's best option, I guess we could consider that to be reaching a dating match equilibrium.

Lol no it wasn’t obvious from the beginning, because after date one he invited me for dinner! And said many times through text messages he was eager to see me again! It was obvious he was interested, quite the opposite.

Then the sudden change of behaviour was weird and when I noticed something is off I came here to post this question.

I don’t give a shyt if I am his first or 100th option. A gentleman do NOT treat someone like this, ‘forgetting‘ the date HE invited me for.  

A real gentleman treats all women (and all people) with respect, either he wants to continue seeing the person or not. And especially this guy who is a life coach he should know better.

And it was the other way around, HE was checking my social media activity by checking my Instagram Stories, not me. I can see he was checking. And you know what, he still is today!!!

And I didn’t add him to my Instagram. My IG is public and anyone can see what I post or my Stories.

This guy was a plain idiot and I dodged a bullet. 

Yes looking forward to the date today with the other guy. 

Edited September 25, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[astutise]

39 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Lol no it wasn’t obvious from the beginning, because after date one he invited me for dinner! And said many times through text messages he was eager to see me again! It was obvious he was interested, quite the opposite.

Then the sudden change of behaviour was weird and when I noticed something is off I came here to post this question.

I don’t give a shyt if I am his first or 100th option. A gentleman do NOT treat someone like this, ‘forgetting‘ the date HE invited me for.  

A real gentleman treats all women (and all people) with respect, either he wants to continue seeing the person or not. And especially this guy who is a life coach he should know better.

And it was the other way around, HE was checking my social media activity by checking my Instagram Stories, not me. I can see he was checking. And you know what, he still is today!!!

And I didn’t add him to my Instagram. My IG is public and anyone can see what I post or my Stories.

This guy was a plain idiot and I dodged a bullet. 

Yes looking forward to the date today with the other guy. 

Some people on here seem obsessed with picking and blaming the person posting, even where its obvious that the other person involved has acted negatively, seen it happen on other boards too...really don't understand the motive. I'm all for taking responsibility for self and acting/responding in a way that serves YOU, which you have done but to harper on unnecessarily seems pointless. 

[girlnextdoor2020]

2 minutes ago, astutise said:

Some people on here seem obsessed with picking and blaming the person posting, even where its obvious that the other person involved has acted negatively, seen it happen on other boards too...really don't understand the motive. I'm all for taking responsibility for self and acting/responding in a way that serves YOU, which you have done but to harper on unnecessarily seems pointless. 

Agree.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, astutise said:

Some people on here seem obsessed with picking and blaming the person posting, even where its obvious that the other person involved has acted negatively, seen it happen on other boards too...really don't understand the motive. I'm all for taking responsibility for self and acting/responding in a way that serves YOU, which you have done but to harper on unnecessarily seems pointless. 

I think sometimes people can take things very personally. When it gets to the dog with a bone stage you can guess that it's no longer really so much about you and your situation anymore. It's just reality that any of us will bring our own history into answering a question. That's where we get our advice from (experience). But at some point it jumps the shark. That's when you say: okay. It's not actually me this poster is talking to (or yelling at) anymore. In a situation like that, the person may have ghosts to fight and it never really did have anything to do with you.

Just my $0.02.

Edited September 25, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Watercolors]

45 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Agree.

Go back and read your OP. You completely overreacted after one date with a guy -- WHILE you were texting with this other guy you're meeting tonight (and however many more guys you're texting).

Pretending you didn't overreact or jump to conclusions -- well, it's too late for that because you certainly did. I'm just confused why you would 1) add a complete stranger to all your SM after just one date as if that's normal (it's not) and 2) accuse him of being a jerk b/c he didn't act that way you wanted him to act via text messaging and 3) when you finally did reach out to "supposedly" confirm your second date, what you REALLY did was tear him a new one about how he's a jerk b/c he didn't like you.

What you are refusing to acknowledge is your part in this. You are not some victim of disinterested men. You're multi-dating with a ton of guys, and you've added them all to your SM, as though having access to their personal lives will create a stronger connection (it won't, for the record). Digital communication is just not the same as in-person communication. One thing digital communication does, as another intelligent poster pointed out: is that it creates a 'construct' of what you think the person is (but a construct, is not reality).

Your thread is another example of "too much too soon." And I think it's a consequence of the way our world is connected 24/7 to each other. There is a false intimacy created through SM and with text messaging. It's false because it's digital. You cannot text lovey-dovey, flirty messages to someone you just had one date with, and think you are building emotional intimacy with them that way. Because you're not. Emotional intimacy cannot be created or sustained digitally. But, the illusion of it can. That's how people get catfished. That's how people like you - who create these fantasies about the person they are texting with, whom they barely know - get their feelings hurt.

I really think you need to slow down. I read in another dating thread some great advice that myself and others have tried to pass on to you, yet you have ignored. But it bears repeating: slow down with the disclosure of personal information; stop giving these guys 100% access to all of your SM (and theirs). Instead, use texting for confirming dates only, so that you can leave some mystery for you and the guy. That's what dating is about; the build-up, the anticipation of learning more about this person you like. But, you immediately remove that when you add each other to your SM and text 24/7 with each other, even after just one date. As you learned, that does NOT guarantee a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th date, let alone, a relationship.

It's really interesting that you refuse to take any responsibility for the way you contributed to your situation with this life coach guy. You stalked his social media, jumped to a bunch of conclusions that you never took the time to confirm with him, then you get mad b/c he didn't confirm the second date, so you sent him a passive-aggressive text telling him off. Then, you claim you had great intution. Yeah, you don't. And you're not secure at all. If you were, you would not overload these guys with information so quickly about yourself giving them full access to you, via your SM, and vice versa.

I understand with OLD that the point of it, is to multi-date. I've done it and didn't like that aspect of it. But, if you are going to be texting w/4 or more guys at the same time, you need to stop overanalyzing their every move via text or if you can see they viewed your SM as some kind of evidence that they either like you or don't like you, without actually talking to them over the phone or in person instead. I don't think you are capable of changing or admitting your mistakes, as you refuse to do that. Until you can acknowledge that your behavior contributed to your situation, you will not be able to change, and thereby change your circumstances while you OLD with multiple guys.

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Agree.

Who? Not everyone sees the OP's situation the same and do there are different perspectives. You don't have to agree with other people's perspectives, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're completely wrong or off-base. Making accusations and acting as though you know what the poster's intentions were, is just your opinion. Everyone's allowed an opinion.

[Watercolors]

9 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I think sometimes people can take things very personally. When it gets to the dog with a bone stage you can guess that it's no longer really so much about you and your situation anymore. It's just reality that any of us will bring our own history into answering a question. That's where we get our advice from (experience). But at some point it jumps the shark. That's when you say: okay. It's not actually me this poster is talking to (or yelling at) anymore. In a situation like that, the person may have ghosts to fight and it never really did have anything to do with you.

Just my $0.02.

And I think some people don't like other people's opinions or perspectives, and thereby attack it as being wrong. That's fine but it doesn't accomplish anything constructive in the conversation.

[CaliforniaGirl]

23 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

And I think some people don't like other people's opinions or perspectives, and thereby attack it as being wrong. That's fine but it doesn't accomplish anything constructive in the conversation.

Hearing other perspectives is 100% fine - I mean in my opinion! My observation here is based on endless repetition literally the same material. The OP has answered the same things so many times. But nope. Not okay. Because her observations disagree with the viewpoints of others who aren't even there with her. So if that's what you're talking about then....yep. You're correct. Some people definitely don't like other people's opinions or perspectives. And this thread has become a Groundhog Day of "but you HAVE to think of things MY way." Why? She's all done and has moved along. But she's the one being attacked, if you must use the word. (Nobody else is, certainly.)

OTOH, the OP actually didn't unilaterally refuse everyone's opionion. She did correct where people were jumping to conclusions. Now she made her decision; she finished with that guy, is on to the next and if she's accepted that it's probably time for all of us to accept it.  

 

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

  You were sleuthing around at his SM activity, which I find really bizarre and obsessive.  You shouldn't even be adding people on SM after one date!

She's connected to him on WhatsApp because she has his phone number. She's connected to him on Instagram because he followed her. It sounds like she didn't actively add him on any social media platform.

When you're connected on WhatsApp, it's possible to see if someone has read your message or is online without even making an effort. You don't have to sleuth. You can be on WhatsApp, chatting with another friend and notice that a particular person has viewed your message.

As for the Instagram stalking, it's essentially him that was stalking her (if we must call it that) on that platform: by actively reading every story she posted. She can see who has viewed her stories without making any special effort. He, on the other hand, had to make a special effort to find her on Instagram, follow her, and keep track of every new story she posted.

The only thing she's "guilty" of is exchanging phone numbers with him.

[CaliforniaGirl]

44 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Who? Not everyone sees the OP's situation the same and do there are different perspectives. You don't have to agree with other people's perspectives, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're completely wrong or off-base. Making accusations and acting as though you know what the poster's intentions were, is just your opinion. Everyone's allowed an opinion.

Opinions are fine (and are after all what anybody is here for) but when it gets to the point of literally not even listening anymore and just running roughshod over the person (for instance, the feeling at first was that the OP was following this guy's SM but it turns out she was actually witnessing that he was repeatedly checking hers - yet she's increasingly called names: a stalker, bizarre and so on), then it's probably time to just take a step back for a second. Again, JMO.

Edited September 25, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[ExpatInItaly]

16 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

OTOH, the OP actually didn't unilaterally refuse everyone's opionion. She did correct where people were jumping to conclusions. Now she made her decision; she finished with that guy, is on to the next and if she's accepted that it's probably time for all of us to accept it.  

I think that's best! This has evolved into something bigger and more heated than OP's initial questions. 

[Fletch Lives]

I read the whole story on this.

I agree it's pretty lame that he forgot the date........people who are interested in you don't forget dates. Time to date another guy.

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Lol no it wasn’t obvious from the beginning, because after date one he invited me for dinner! And said many times through text messages he was eager to see me again!  It was obvious he was interested....

Wait a sec, didn't you tell us that you were confused about how interested he was because all he talked about were work and his business?  That you suspected he wanted you as a business partner? 

I distinctly remember that.  

I remember thinking you didn't sound all that into him either. 

Not trying to give you a hard time, but now you're saying he definitely was interested, which contradicts what you said earlier.  

It doesn't matter now, it's done and gone...  just sayin.

[girlnextdoor2020]

48 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Wait a sec, didn't you tell us that you were confused about how interested he was because all he talked about were work and his business?  That you suspected he wanted you as a business partner? 

I distinctly remember that.  

I remember thinking you didn't sound all that into him either. 

Not trying to give you a hard time, but now you're saying he definitely was interested, which contradicts what you said earlier.  

It doesn't matter now, it's done and gone...  just sayin.

Right after our first date he invited me for dinner and said he was very keen to see me again, and how connected we were. 

Then he abruptly changed and his messages were all very business like and boring, and then he stopped messaging much, and that’s when I posted the question here because I didn’t understand how someone goes from one way to another so fast and abruptly.

So right after our date, yes he was interested and showing his interest. Then it changed.

Anyway I’ve had a good dinner date today with the other guy.

[Watercolors]

4 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

She's connected to him on WhatsApp because she has his phone number. She's connected to him on Instagram because he followed her. It sounds like she didn't actively add him on any social media platform.

When you're connected on WhatsApp, it's possible to see if someone has read your message or is online without even making an effort. You don't have to sleuth. You can be on WhatsApp, chatting with another friend and notice that a particular person has viewed your message.

As for the Instagram stalking, it's essentially him that was stalking her (if we must call it that) on that platform: by actively reading every story she posted. She can see who has viewed her stories without making any special effort. He, on the other hand, had to make a special effort to find her on Instagram, follow her, and keep track of every new story she posted.

The only thing she's "guilty" of is exchanging phone numbers with him.

I have lots of people's phone numbers in my cellphone, but that doesn't automatically connect me to their social media. Honestly Acacia stop making excuses for the OP.

She chose to connect to life coach guy's WhatsApp *because* he gave her his phone number. And no, she was obsessively monitoring him on her social media as well as on his social media. After just one date! That's definitely obsessive and not normal behavior.

And yes, its beating a dead horse to continue to discuss her actions despite her having moved on. But it is also relevant bc it illustrates how social media can interfere with the dating process as a whole. If she creates a thread about this second guy b/c his text messaging pattern changes, well, that's a whole other can of worms.

[Mystery4u]

@Watercolorsyou seem to have a chip on your shoulder and are projecting this on the OP.

Off course when you get someone's phone number, first thing you do is see if they have Whatsapp. OP was communicating with him via this method, there is nothing wrong with looking when he was online, if he is ignoring her messages etc. There's nothing 'obsessive' about it and it's perfectly normal.

Are you not the one who posted in another thread that meeting the friends of someone you are dating for the first time is a scary experience and you should always bring your own friends as some sort of backup? This in itself shows your own lack of confidence.

Maybe look in the mirror at your own mental well being, before giving questionable advice to others in a very aggressive manner.

[Acacia98]

32 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I have lots of people's phone numbers in my cellphone, but that doesn't automatically connect me to their social media. Honestly Acacia stop making excuses for the OP.

I'm thinking you probably don't have WhatsApp on your phone and don't know how it actually works? It's mainly a phone messaging app with some social media-type features. It's not a typical internet-based social media platform.

And c'mon, there really is such a thing as being too invested in winning. I mean, this was an interesting thread, but it just doesn't have the urgency of the last stand at the Alamo.

[Acacia98]

37 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

If she creates a thread about this second guy b/c his text messaging pattern changes, well, that's a whole other can of worms.

If she does, it's just another thread on Loveshack. You don't have to follow it if it frustrates you.

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Anyway I’ve had a good dinner date today with the other guy.

[Versacehottie]

7 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Who? Not everyone sees the OP's situation the same and do there are different perspectives. You don't have to agree with other people's perspectives, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're completely wrong or off-base. Making accusations and acting as though you know what the poster's intentions were, is just your opinion. Everyone's allowed an opinion.

Agree.

I also don't think the purpose of the site is to be on here and tell people that I legitimate believe are off base that they are in the right and take their side because they are here posting.  If OP wants growth and a equally valid perspective of what was going on and went wrong, she is getting it.  If she only wants people who stroke her ego and back her up I'm not into that.  I look at the situation and my position is pretty consistent over the time I've posted on this forum.  By telling her she is part of the problem btw is not validating what the guy did 100% at all.  She can only change herself and her approach AND her approach contributes to the results she is getting.  

It looks like she is needing to feel super cocky in order to tell herself that she handled things the right way.  "his loss".  Actually, I'm pretty sure he is thinking the same thing.  People are going to fade after meeting you the first time some of the time.  Maybe he didn't live up to your expectations in terms of contact.  Maybe you don't live up to his expectations, period.  You're not his cup of tea for whatever reason.  Why is he the bad guy for not being into you? He's not, done.  Tried to give OP constructive reasons for why he would be losing interest but that in itself seems hard for her to accept.  

Lol, lots of us have debated things far more trivial, even those that happen to agree with the OP on this one. While I genuinely hope she finds a guy who accepts her for how she is and can work with that, I call b.s. on the inconsistencies within her story and lack of acceptance on her part, that's all.  Good luck as always.

[Watercolors]

53 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Agree.

I also don't think the purpose of the site is to be on here and tell people that I legitimate believe are off base that they are in the right and take their side because they are here posting.  If OP wants growth and a equally valid perspective of what was going on and went wrong, she is getting it.  If she only wants people who stroke her ego and back her up I'm not into that.  I look at the situation and my position is pretty consistent over the time I've posted on this forum.  By telling her she is part of the problem btw is not validating what the guy did 100% at all.  She can only change herself and her approach AND her approach contributes to the results she is getting.  

It looks like she is needing to feel super cocky in order to tell herself that she handled things the right way.  "his loss".  Actually, I'm pretty sure he is thinking the same thing.  People are going to fade after meeting you the first time some of the time.  Maybe he didn't live up to your expectations in terms of contact.  Maybe you don't live up to his expectations, period.  You're not his cup of tea for whatever reason.  Why is he the bad guy for not being into you? He's not, done.  Tried to give OP constructive reasons for why he would be losing interest but that in itself seems hard for her to accept.  

Lol, lots of us have debated things far more trivial, even those that happen to agree with the OP on this one. While I genuinely hope she finds a guy who accepts her for how she is and can work with that, I call b.s. on the inconsistencies within her story and lack of acceptance on her part, that's all.  Good luck as always.

Great post Versacehottie!!

[CaliforniaGirl]

5 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

 

Anyway I’ve had a good dinner date today with the other guy.

Spill the tea!

[Velvet teddy]

9 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

Agree.

I also don't think the purpose of the site is to be on here and tell people that I legitimate believe are off base that they are in the right and take their side because they are here posting.  If OP wants growth and a equally valid perspective of what was going on and went wrong, she is getting it.  If she only wants people who stroke her ego and back her up I'm not into that.  I look at the situation and my position is pretty consistent over the time I've posted on this forum.  By telling her she is part of the problem btw is not validating what the guy did 100% at all.  She can only change herself and her approach AND her approach contributes to the results she is getting.  

It looks like she is needing to feel super cocky in order to tell herself that she handled things the right way.  "his loss".  Actually, I'm pretty sure he is thinking the same thing.  People are going to fade after meeting you the first time some of the time.  Maybe he didn't live up to your expectations in terms of contact.  Maybe you don't live up to his expectations, period.  You're not his cup of tea for whatever reason.  Why is he the bad guy for not being into you? He's not, done.  Tried to give OP constructive reasons for why he would be losing interest but that in itself seems hard for her to accept.  

Lol, lots of us have debated things far more trivial, even those that happen to agree with the OP on this one. While I genuinely hope she finds a guy who accepts her for how she is and can work with that, I call b.s. on the inconsistencies within her story and lack of acceptance on her part, that's all.  Good luck as always.

I think it was more about him setting up a date and then 'forgetting' to get back to her .

That fact alone i think would frustrate a lot of people. And shows a lack of courtesy amongst many other  negative character  traits.  

He took the wrong approach, perhaps the OP wasn't perfect every step of the way.

But the guy simply had to state he wasn't feeling it, for whatever reason. All too many times we see this sort of scenario surrounding  OLD ( and the male/female lacking any sort of integrity to be honest with the person).. therefore it works both ways really. 

 

Edited September 26, 2020 by Velvet teddy