Annonymous1234 Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 55 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Sorry I got it wrong on my first post, dinner was Wednesday, not Tuesday! Apologies for that. I re-read my texts to him and nope no negative vibes, actually full of smiley emoticons and I did say I was looking forward to the dinner two days ago. I think I don’t need now to chase him about the dinner because that is ridiculous. He invited me, I said yes, two days ago said I was looking forward, so I guess he should be the one now messaging about it. It’s now 3pm here and he still hasn’t read my message I sent him at lunch time, although I can see he was online on Whatsapp. This doesn’t make me feel good at all, very bad energy and I’ve lost interest to go out with him. I’m not saying anything else, and if he contacts I’ll just tell him the truth on how I feel. If he doesn’t say anything, it’s next. I think you're doing the right thing here. Personally, I'd just be tempted to get rid, at this point. Sounds to me like he's playing games - and this early in, too. . . .
poppyfields Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 6 minutes ago, Selkie1111 said: I think you're doing the right thing here. For the record, I do as well. This entire situation has "non-starter" written all over it, and it takes two. NEXT.
kendahke Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 12 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: es, because usually only men who are not interested do not bother to say anything. This might be the case with him.
poppyfields Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, kendahke said: This might be the case with him. Yup, and her as well. No judgment, it's just not happening from either. I sensed that from the beginning of this thread. Not uncommon. In fact, it's probably more common than not. Girl, there is someone better for you out there, second dates shouldn't be this much of a struggle. Edited September 23, 2020 by poppyfields
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: Girl, there is someone better for you out there, second dates shouldn't be this much of a struggle. Sure thing. It should be easy and flowing. If it’s not, next. 2
astutise Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) 34 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Sure thing. It should be easy and flowing. If it’s not, next. So, how many hours until the date? Not that that matters but he hasn't mentioned the date at all today?? Pink elephant in the room. Ya know, some psychologists believe that game playing and dating tactics such as push/pull, hot/cold etc are very effective....in reproducing early anxious attachments. So relationships that start off based on those are basically just..trauma bonding. If you have secure attachment, all that nonsense is more of an...irritance than anything. It'll be as irritating as agreeing with a taxi firm for a driver to pick you up at a certain time, then they don't turn up, leave you waiting, give half-baked answers when you ask where your taxi is....i really do wonder when if game playing makes someone feel more attracted and 'the thrill of the chase'....is that person just anxiously attached and this chase is reminiscient of what their caregivers modelled as 'normal' way of showing interest and care. Hmmm Anyway i digress, i think you've got your head screwed on just right and would say don't lower your standards. I totally get that its not you expect to be inundated with constant messages but that the consistency in behaviour that's important. Edited September 23, 2020 by astutise 1
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 15 minutes ago, astutise said: So, how many hours until the date? Not that that matters but he hasn't mentioned the date at all today?? Pink elephant in the room. Ya know, some psychologists believe that game playing and dating tactics such as push/pull, hot/cold etc are very effective....in reproducing early anxious attachments. So relationships that start off based on those are basically just..trauma bonding. If you have secure attachment, all that nonsense is more of an...irritance than anything. It'll be as irritating as agreeing with a taxi firm for a driver to pick you up at a certain time, then they don't turn up, leave you waiting, give half-baked answers when you ask where your taxi is....i really do wonder when if game playing makes someone feel more attracted and 'the thrill of the chase'....is that person just anxiously attached and this chase is reminiscient of what their caregivers modelled as 'normal' way of showing interest and care. Hmmm Anyway i digress, i think you've got your head screwed on just right and would say don't lower your standards. I totally get that its not you expect to be inundated with constant messages but that the consistency in behaviour that's important. We didn’t agree time for the dinner date and no he hasn’t mentioned the dinner all day today... he hasn’t even read my last message I sent at lunch time today despite being online on Whatsapp. Rude to say the least. And he was the one inviting me... And yes! Being inundated with messages is also a big red flag! I like balance and flow in communication. Two people who are interested and communicate in a healthy way that feels nice. I do have secure attachment, that is why this guy is already a no from me, especially from his behaviour today. Next. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 I think he's changed his mind and doesn't have the stones to tell you.
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I think he's changed his mind and doesn't have the stones to tell you. Yes could be. In that case don’t go checking my Instagram Stories like he did just now... but still doesn’t say anything about the date today... This is too weird to say the least. 1
balletomane Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 What did your last message to him say?
Wiseman2 Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Are you communicating and meeting others? One date and one guy shouldn't occupy this much head-space as if you are in a relationship. Stop monitoring his online activity and watching the clock. That type of thing will make an anxious dater even more anxious and upset. Almost boiling over ...after One Date. 2
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 1 minute ago, balletomane said: What did your last message to him say? He sent me a message this morning saying Morning hi how are you, and I responded Morning, I am good and you? And he didn’t read or responded all day.
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Are you communicating and meeting others? One date and one guy shouldn't occupy this much head-space as if you are in a relationship. Stop monitoring his online activity and watching the clock. That type of thing will make an anxious dater even more anxious and upset. Almost boiling over ...after One Date. Actually, the reason why I know he has been on Whatsapp is because I have been going there to exchange messages with another guy I am meeting on Friday... and so out of curiosity I checked if he has been online and my message was read or not. It’s ok to check this today because we were supposed to have the dinner date, so I make the decision to move on.
astutise Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: We didn’t agree time for the dinner date and no he hasn’t mentioned the dinner all day today... he hasn’t even read my last message I sent at lunch time today despite being online on Whatsapp. Rude to say the least. And he was the one inviting me... And yes! Being inundated with messages is also a big red flag! I like balance and flow in communication. Two people who are interested and communicate in a healthy way that feels nice. I do have secure attachment, that is why this guy is already a no from me, especially from his behaviour today. Next. Good. This guy shows lack of enthusiasm and seems lazy or inept.
Alvi Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) Dating is not easy, for sure. I wish people where more honest with you where they stand. I mean, if he or she changes his or her mind for whatever reason, would be nice if they told you. Why waste someone's time and make another person guess your intentions? When the communication level suddenly drops, it usually means lack of interest. The joys of dating,! lol. Someone showers you with interest and poof, either slow fade or disappears altogether. Date others. Nothing much you can do here in this situation. Probably block him if you don't hear from him today, so you are not tempted to check on his on-line activities. Edited September 23, 2020 by Alvi 1
Azincourt Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 The guy either found out someone he's more interested in dating, or someone he was already interested in contacted him and decided to go out on a date with him, and so it happens he put you on the back-up plan. It happens to everyone. Block and delete his number/social media and go on with your life and meet new men.
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: We didn’t agree time for the dinner date and no he hasn’t mentioned the dinner all day today... he hasn’t even read my last message I sent at lunch time today despite being online on Whatsapp. Rude to say the least. And he was the one inviting me... And yes! Being inundated with messages is also a big red flag! I like balance and flow in communication. Two people who are interested and communicate in a healthy way that feels nice. I do have secure attachment, that is why this guy is already a no from me, especially from his behaviour today. Next. There isn't even a time? Oh nope. The initial inundation is weird, the "I'll let her know like an hour before to get hoppin'...if I feel like it at all" is insulting. You do you, boy, I'm moving along. That would just be me...not in angry way, just...eh, moving along (even if he did call at the last minute). I wouldn't bother to tell him that. He could figure it out. It pretty much is what it is at that point, not enough interest from either side...sometimes it just doesn't work out. Edited September 23, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 1
Watercolors Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: He sent me a message this morning saying Morning hi how are you, and I responded Morning, I am good and you? And he didn’t read or responded all day. Umm, you totally botched the opportunity to confront him about his flakiness with your text message response. You could have responded by asking him to confirm tonight’s dinner plans with him but you chose not to. And you’ve created an entire thread where you whine about his communication change after a flurry of texting you. So, what is the big deal then? You missed out on the opportunity to be an adult and confront him, “Hey, are we still on for tonight’s dinner date? You never confirmed with me the time.” Why’d you choose not to? I don’t understand why you are so hung up on this guy. How can you have secure attachment style, if you are not even secure with the way he’s being flaky to you after one date, and he wont’ even confirm tonight’s dinner plans with you. Something more is going on that you aren’t telling us. Someone with secure attachment style wouldn’t be bothered by his flakiness and would simply just reconfirm the dinner date plans for a second date. And, if they don’t get a response, then they just move on like its no big deal. But it’s been a huge deal for you this entire thread. You are acting like he’s wronging you. Like, its his job to do all the confirming and leading here. You already have another date set up for Friday. So, why get your knickers in such a twist about this one guy. Makes no sense to me. Edited September 23, 2020 by Watercolors 2
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 1 hour ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Actually, the reason why I know he has been on Whatsapp is because I have been going there to exchange messages with another guy I am meeting on Friday... and so out of curiosity I checked if he has been online and my message was read or not. It’s ok to check this today because we were supposed to have the dinner date, so I make the decision to move on. Don't watch his Whatsapp or anything anymore. I mean, I'm sure you know that already, but it's something I wouldn't do moving forward, either, with the next guy. Really, just don't, because it can't be good either way, IMO. Just the act of checking up is bound to make you feel insecure. That's just my opinion. 1
poppyfields Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: He sent me a message this morning saying Morning hi how are you, and I responded Morning, I am good and you? And he didn’t read or responded all day. Girl, I'm gonna change my stance here. This is beyond rude. I mean if he lost interest fine! The right thing for him to do, the courteous thing for him to do is to cancel the date for tonight. He doesn't necessarily even need a reason, just that he can't make it. You're smart, you'd figure it out. This man is playing games, no question. Therefore, imo you are within your rights to blow it off. IF he calls last minute, if me I wouldn't even answer, or if a text, don't respond. Beat him at his own game. Not sure if thats the "politically" correct thing to do, but who cares, all's fair in love and war or something like that. That said, I also agree with WC. Edited September 23, 2020 by poppyfields
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 3 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Umm, you totally botched the opportunity to confront him about his flakiness with your text message response. You could have responded by asking him to confirm tonight’s dinner plans with him but you chose not to. And you’ve created an entire thread where you whine about his communication change after a flurry of texting you. So, what is the big deal then? You missed out on the opportunity to be an adult and confront him, “Hey, are we still on for tonight’s dinner date? You never confirmed with me the time.” Why’d you choose not to? I don’t understand why you are so hung up on this guy. How can you have secure attachment style, if you are not even secure with the way he’s being flaky to you after one date, and he wont’ even confirm tonight’s dinner plans with you. Something more is going on that you aren’t telling us. Someone with secure attachment style wouldn’t be bothered by his flakiness and would simply just reconfirm the dinner date plans for a second date. And, if they don’t get a response, then they just move on like its no big deal. But it’s been a huge deal for you this entire thread. Well, I can actually see this, in this case. IMO it's just because she's confused, so now she's tentative. She just doesn't know what to think. I don't know the OP, so maybe I'm wrong, but just speaking from my POV, if things had flowed better and not so weirdly (like the odd over-communication in the beginning) then I'd have felt comfortable and not thought twice about just "So what time for Wed?" or whatever, but if I felt some sort of strange undercurrent I'm sure I'd hesitate. 2
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Umm, you totally botched the opportunity to confront him about his flakiness with your text message response. You could have responded by asking him to confirm tonight’s dinner plans with him but you chose not to. And you’ve created an entire thread where you whine about his communication change after a flurry of texting you. So, what is the big deal then? You missed out on the opportunity to be an adult and confront him, “Hey, are we still on for tonight’s dinner date? You never confirmed with me the time.” Why’d you choose not to? I don’t understand why you are so hung up on this guy. How can you have secure attachment style, if you are not even secure with the way he’s being flaky to you after one date, and he wont’ even confirm tonight’s dinner plans with you. Something more is going on that you aren’t telling us. Someone with secure attachment style wouldn’t be bothered by his flakiness and would simply just reconfirm the dinner date plans for a second date. And, if they don’t get a response, then they just move on like its no big deal. But it’s been a huge deal for you this entire thread. Like CaliforniaGirl said, if things were flowing between us, then yes I would definitely tell him that, to confirm the dinner date. But I was feeling (and have been feeling) something weird about him (lost interest, playing games, whatever), so when my intuition is shouting out loud something’s off, I’m out. I have a dinner date with another guy lined up for this Friday. He already set up the time and booked the table at the restaurant. That’s how things are done. Edited September 23, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020 5
Watercolors Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Just now, CaliforniaGirl said: Well, I can actually see this, in this case. IMO it's just because she's confused, so now she's tentative. She just doesn't know what to think. I don't know the OP, so maybe I'm wrong, but just speaking from my POV, if things had flowed better and not so weirdly (like the odd over-communication in the beginning) then I'd have felt comfortable and not thought twice about just "So what time for Wed?" or whatever, but if I felt some sort of strange undercurrent I'm sure I'd hesitate. *Buzzer sound* Wrong!! If you are confused, YOU ASK FOR CONFIRMATION. I think the OP needs to grow up. She’s stalking his WhatsApp, claiming she’s actually better than him, secure, yet she’s jumping to all kinds of conclusions about his personality and character and his motivations b/c she’s too insecure to actually just ask him if they are still on for tonight’s dinner date. Sorry for my harshness but this is just ridiculous already. Stop acting like you’re in high school, OP. YOu’re an adult. You had one date with the guy. He asked you out for dinner tonight but you didn’t reconfirm with him and yet it’s his fault for not reading your mind. There’s nothing weird about him. He’s just a guy you went on one date with. Your lack of asking him direct questions about the second date isn’t his responsibility. It’s yours. Either text or call him to ask if he’s still on for dinner tonight with you. Or, just forget it and focus on the guy you have a date with on Friday. All this silliness b/c grown adults can’t talk on the phone with each other. 2
Watercolors Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Just now, girlnextdoor2020 said: Like CaliforniaGirl said, if things were flowing between us, then yes I would definitely tell him that, to confirm the dinner date. But I was feeling (and have been feeling) something weird about him (lost interest, playing games, whatever), so when my intuition is shouting out loud something’s off, I’m out. I have a dinner date with another guy lined up for this Friday. He already set up the time and booked the table at the restaurant. That’s how things are done. Just own up to the fact that you are insecure, stalked his social media and jumped to all kinds of conclusions about him rather than just call him on the phone to have a direct conversation with him to reconfirm tonight’s 2nd date. The fact that you chose not to do that, shows that you are very much into playing games and its’ not cool.
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Just own up to the fact that you are insecure, stalked his social media and jumped to all kinds of conclusions about him rather than just call him on the phone to have a direct conversation with him to reconfirm tonight’s 2nd date. The fact that you chose not to do that, shows that you are very much into playing games and its’ not cool. Why didn’t HE call me on the phone to reconfirm the dinner date and decide a time, etc, if he was the one inviting me!? Now it’s up to me to chase a guy who haven’t even read my message I sent him earlier today on the day we were supposed to meet? Sorry that is just all ridiculous. Edited September 23, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020 1
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