Calmandfocused Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 I can speak from recent experience with this one. If you’re confused from the get go and questioning whether he’s into you or not, the chances are he’s just not that interested. I recently dated a guy for 6 weeks who gave me the strong “friends” vibe from date 1. His communication in between dates was inconsistent, boring and mundane, intermittently peppered with a bit of flirtation. The whole experience ended up being a disaster. Go on the second date but listen to your gut. If he’s interested in you that interest will be obvious and unquestionable. You’re looking for a consistent level of interest which is not necessarily reflected in texting behaviour. As other posters have said : also be aware of how you feel about him. The above guy lasted 6 weeks with me simply because he was “different” to what I’m used to. Different is not always a good thing! Let us know how it goes. 3
Versacehottie Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: OMG guys! I don’t want exclusivity after one date, or do I think I know him with text messaging! I was just pointing out a change of behaviour from him since we met, and asking that here! I don’t like playing games, and to me it’s not about playing it cool after one date or whatever. To me it’s about communication. If we had a nice date and are glad we found each other on Planet Earth, why not continue the communication on a consistent basis? That doesn’t mean I know him or we are in a relationship, it’s just communication! And yes I prefer on the phone too and was going to tell him that before he stopped texting that often. He did confirm the date, but didn’t mention where or what time up until now. Anyway I’ve had a lunch date yesterday with another guy that was also nice, so I’m not putting all eggs in one dating basket! It’s just that I do feel a change of behaviour and my intuition tells me something is not right. I am going on the second date with him to see how I feel. The bolded is always what girls say that have unrealistic expectations and "want to know what is going on!". It's unrealistic in itself. No one owes it to you at this point. And it's not a game just because it doesn't go according to YOUR plan. The beginning is essentially a game of sorts. A guy can't tell you how he feels because he simply may not know yet. It's been one date and he has a life; is probably dating others especially if you met him off an app. What is totally unrealistic is when a guy is overly excited at the very beginning and wants to get you from the talking stage out to date one---they might text a lot and be super accessible. You should take that with a grain of salt. That's because you are the shiny new toy in a way. Whether you fit into his life and he enjoys your company and wants to make room for you in his life is another thing. You notice a drop off because it's impossible to sustain all day texting (exaggerating for effect) and who would want to. You are a real person now to him. You need to have another way in life to get your adrenaline hit than hearing a ping of his text. He most definitely could be fading. And at the same time it could be your neediness & unrealistic expectations that cause him to fade. Which comes first the chicken or the egg? Honestly it's probably a combo. You have to find a way to weather this period of uncertainty and not use false sense of security via meaningless stream of all day texting to keep yourself in the game. Edited September 22, 2020 by Versacehottie 1
pinkpaw Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 5 hours ago, Trail Blazer said: I've forgotten to reply to someone on, say, Messenger - yet, if that person was observing my online activity, they'd notice I'd been active after having read their message. That's because, you know, there may have been another reason for why I had been active since our last convo. Just because I then, say, logged onto Insta and saw the person's story, and viewed it, doesn't mean that I automatically would remember to open the Messenger chat applet and reply to them. After one date, OP is merely an option amongst potentially many. If the guy is decent looking, he'd have women coming out of his a-hole. OP would be best served to keep him engaged in a way which doesn't constitute clingy behavior or stalking him. Or, be content to let this guy slide. Let's hope you're right. Seems plausible enough but you never know with dating... 1
stillafool Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 11 hours ago, Trail Blazer said: I've done this before. Sometimes I've simply forgotten to reply. If I've read a message quickly, put my phone away and not opened the chat applet again... it happens. So, this is all after one date? When I was dating, one date was simply one date. I was still talking to other girls, still living life as a very single individual, because, well, I was and I didn't owe anything to anyone at that stage. He may well be going one further than I did, which is, a male's version of a $h!t test. He could be seeing how you react. If you becomes clingy and obsessive, he might run the other way. If you play it cool, he might like that and respect it more. It's hard to know exactly what's going on. However, if he's the kind of guy who has a lot of options, consider yourself to be just one of many he has and after only one date, you are nowhere near exclusivity yet. This is the thing, one date and already they expect constant texting, calling him emotionally unavailable (when you don't even know him yet) and discussing him on a forum before a second date. It's too much to expect too soon. Maybe the guy stopped texting so he'd have something to talk about when he actually sees you. I agree that his early you should assume he is also seeing other women. 6
kendahke Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 8 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: . If we had a nice date and are glad we found each other on Planet Earth, why not continue the communication on a consistent basis? Define consistent--because clearly your definition means instantaneous devotion and focus and his doesn't. As has been said before, one date doesn't mean you're in a relationship. It wasn't a contract for you to get your way. If what he's doing isn't working for you, bounce. There are other men who may wear out your text app for you--this guy ain't that guy. Either accept him for who he is or leave, but you can't make him be who he isn't. 5
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted September 22, 2020 Author Posted September 22, 2020 59 minutes ago, kendahke said: Define consistent--because clearly your definition means instantaneous devotion and focus and his doesn't. As has been said before, one date doesn't mean you're in a relationship. It wasn't a contract for you to get your way. If what he's doing isn't working for you, bounce. There are other men who may wear out your text app for you--this guy ain't that guy. Either accept him for who he is or leave, but you can't make him be who he isn't. I think you didn’t understand my question. I never said I was in a relationship with him after one date and I do NOT want to be in a relationship after one date! I do not expect this or that behaviour, or constant devotion as you name it. HE was the one who texted me a LOT after one date and then abruptly changed. That CHANGE of behaviour from him is what caused me to come here and ask this question. 5
stillafool Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 29 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: I think you didn’t understand my question. I never said I was in a relationship with him after one date and I do NOT want to be in a relationship after one date! I do not expect this or that behaviour, or constant devotion as you name it. HE was the one who texted me a LOT after one date and then abruptly changed. That CHANGE of behaviour from him is what caused me to come here and ask this question. But you are acting like you are already in a relationship with him by expecting constant texting after just one date. So what if he texted alot in the beginning and slowed it down. He has a life too and he did make plans to see you and already set a date. Your expectation of constant devotion after one date comes off as entitlement which isn't very attractive. 2 2
stillafool Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 Just now, stillafool said: But you are acting like you are already in a relationship with him by expecting constant texting after just one date. So what if he texted a lot in the beginning and slowed it down? He has a life too and he did make plans to see you and already and set a date. Your expectation of constant devotion after just one date comes off as entitlement which isn't very attractive.
kendahke Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: I think you didn’t understand my question. I never said I was in a relationship with him after one date and I do NOT want to be in a relationship after one date! I do not expect this or that behaviour, or constant devotion as you name it. HE was the one who texted me a LOT after one date and then abruptly changed. That CHANGE of behaviour from him is what caused me to come here and ask this question. No I understand your question quite clearly. You didn't have to expressly say you're in a relationship after one date--your rhetoric and being in high dudgeon over it is implying that, hence everyone here saying something about it. He has a right to change his behavior and he has a right to not text like he did. He doesn't give up agency just because you two went out once and caught feelings. Define consistent after one date. Edited September 22, 2020 by kendahke
Snow_Queen Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 The explanation is typically simple. When someone’s contact tapers off, it’s either because they’ve lost interest for whatever reason or they found someone else. It’s hardly ever been another reason in my experience. While it would be nice to hear “I’m no longer interested”, a majority of my experience has been the guy tapering off in contact or ghosting entirely once interest is lost. This has happened after a few dates; even after being in a relationship for many months. It’s just the nature of dating. 1
poppyfields Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: HE was the one who texted me a LOT after one date and then abruptly changed. That CHANGE of behaviour from him is what caused me to come here and ask this question. gnd, what do you find so troubling about it? Do you honestly expect people do behave the same way, day in and day out, 365 days a year with no deviation whatsoever? If so, good luck with that! And to anyone you get involved with. I feel anxious now simply imagining what it would be like to be dating someone that imposed that type of expectation on me. That’s A LOT of pressure. No, not everything in this world including people are always going to be consistent, especially in early stages, nor should they be. We often need time to think, to let things marinate, to regroup, to decide what our next move should be, which often involves a bit of push/pull in early stages while sorting all this out, and there is NOTHING wrong with that. It’s called dating. My advice? Learn to become more flexible. Allow people to breathe and find their own way, what’s comfortable. Let go of rigid expectations. Otherwise, you risk pushing people away and turning them off. Oh but then you can say “See? Told ya he was losing interest!” It all becomes a self-fulling prophecy. Edited September 22, 2020 by poppyfields 1
TheFinalWord Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 (edited) He may feel like things are moving fast. Texting someone and letting a stranger know everything about your day is a bit much and feels like something you do with a girlfriend. Most men like being single. Women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of relationships. For him to give up being single, a girl is going to have to be very special (unless he's also needy). And you don't find out if a woman is special quickly. It takes time. And until then, he's going to continue being a single guy, behaving like a single guy does. Be honest with yourself, are you already envisioning a life and relationship with this guy? If so, try to catch yourself if you do that and remind yourself, you're both still single, don't know each other, and aren't committed to each other. He could be talking to other women. He probably assumes you're talking to other men. Busy men talking to multiple women do not have time to text message all day... This is why I tell women I'm dating, I don't text during the day at all. And maybe only once or twice in the evening. Who has all day to stop what they are doing and text message? He can't be a very hard working man and text all day long. Maybe that conversation died off and he didn't have anything else to say on the topic? Why don't you initiate a new conversation? Or better yet, why don't you do like him and also keep living like a single person and enjoy your day and other friends while slowly getting to know him, primarily by going on dates and meeting in person. That way you won't scare him off (if he knew you were analyzing him this much already, what would he think?) and you can also protect yourself by not allowing yourself to get carried away with someone you don't really know. Good luck! Edited September 22, 2020 by TheFinalWord 2 2
Trail Blazer Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 6 hours ago, poppyfields said: gnd, what do you find so troubling about it? Do you honestly expect people do behave the same way, day in and day out, 365 days a year with no deviation whatsoever? If so, good luck with that! And to anyone you get involved with. I feel anxious now simply imagining what it would be like to be dating someone that imposed that type of expectation on me. That’s A LOT of pressure. No, not everything in this world including people are always going to be consistent, especially in early stages, nor should they be. We often need time to think, to let things marinate, to regroup, to decide what our next move should be, which often involves a bit of push/pull in early stages while sorting all this out, and there is NOTHING wrong with that. It’s called dating. My advice? Learn to become more flexible. Allow people to breathe and find their own way, what’s comfortable. Let go of rigid expectations. Otherwise, you risk pushing people away and turning them off. Oh but then you can say “See? Told ya he was losing interest!” It all becomes a self-fulling prophecy. A great relationship is just like steak; marination is critical for a good outcome. 2 2
poppyfields Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said: A great relationship is just like steak; marination is critical for a good outcome. Amen, and cheers!
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 11 hours ago, Trail Blazer said: A great relationship is just like steak; marination is critical for a good outcome. I totally agree and that’s how I like things. Great relationships are made of consistency and communication at all stages, since date one. If a guy drops the consistency, changes behaviour or whatever, it is not a good sign. Anyway, he texted me yesterday asking how I am, I responded and asked him back (this was 8 pm), he was online on Whatsapp after I sent my message, but didn’t read mine or responded... Only today in the morning he responded to that message saying how he is, and... NOTHING mentioning our dinner date today. Nothing. It’s now lunch time and still nothing about plans for tonight. I guess my intuition was right. 1
poppyfields Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) 53 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: I totally agree and that’s how I like things. Great relationships are made of consistency and communication at all stages, since date one. If a guy drops the consistency, changes behaviour or whatever, it is not a good sign. Anyway, he texted me yesterday asking how I am, I responded and asked him back (this was 8 pm), he was online on Whatsapp after I sent my message, but didn’t read mine or responded... Only today in the morning he responded to that message saying how he is, and... NOTHING mentioning our dinner date today. Nothing. It’s now lunch time and still nothing about plans for tonight. I guess my intuition was right. Today is Wednesay, I thought you said your dinner date was planned for Tuesday (last night)? When did it change to tonight? Is there any particular reason you couldn't have asked him if dinner plans were still on and/or that you were looking forward to seeing him? Do you think he sensed a negative vibe in the tone of your recent texts? I know I can - pick up tone and a person's energy via texting. Positive or negative. And I'll often match it subconsciously. I don't know, something changed though, I'm with ya there. Early stages are often so fraught with uncertainty and ambiguity. I met my bf on line and in the very early days, there were issues too, mixed messages, anxieties, push/pull from BOTH of us! Neither of us were able to get a good read on the other, it took awhile actually, a couple of months at least. Oh well, maybe what's happening now is for the best, you didn't (don't) sound too thrilled with him anyway - his style. I'm sorry. Edited September 23, 2020 by poppyfields
kendahke Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Great relationships are made of consistency 3rd time asking: Define consistency Quote Only today in the morning he responded to that message saying how he is, and... NOTHING mentioning our dinner date today. Nothing. All of what you think is going on is only going on in your head. He's living like a single man who doesn't answer to anyone lives. Edited September 23, 2020 by kendahke 2
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 17 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Today is Wednesay, I thought you said your dinner date was planned for Tuesday (last night)? When did it change to tonight? Is there any particular reason you couldn't have asked him if dinner plans were still on and/or that you were looking forward to seeing him? Do you think he sensed a negative vibe in the tone of your recent texts? I know I can - pick up tone and a person's energy via texting. Positive or negative. And I'll often match it subconsciously. I don't know, something changed though, I'm with ya there. Early stages are often so fraught with uncertainty and ambiguity. I met my bf on line and in the very early days, there were issues too, mixed messages, anxieties, push/pull from BOTH of us! Neither of us were able to get a good read on the other, it took awhile actually, a couple of months at least. Oh well, maybe what's happening now is for the best, you didn't (don't) sound too thrilled with him anyway - his style. I'm sorry. Sorry I got it wrong on my first post, dinner was Wednesday, not Tuesday! Apologies for that. I re-read my texts to him and nope no negative vibes, actually full of smiley emoticons and I did say I was looking forward to the dinner two days ago. I think I don’t need now to chase him about the dinner because that is ridiculous. He invited me, I said yes, two days ago said I was looking forward, so I guess he should be the one now messaging about it. It’s now 3pm here and he still hasn’t read my message I sent him at lunch time, although I can see he was online on Whatsapp. This doesn’t make me feel good at all, very bad energy and I’ve lost interest to go out with him. I’m not saying anything else, and if he contacts I’ll just tell him the truth on how I feel. If he doesn’t say anything, it’s next. 2
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 1 minute ago, kendahke said: 3rd time asking: Define consistency To me consistency is keeping the same type of communication on a everyday basis, and if something comes up and I can’t do it, I’ll just say that to the person. A ‘sorry it took me so long to respond but I was working on a project’, or ‘I am going to go travelling and won’t be able to communicate much’, etc. It’s about the consistency in keeping the connection alive. 1
poppyfields Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: To me consistency is keeping the same type of communication on a everyday basis, and if something comes up and I can’t do it, I’ll just say that to the person. A ‘sorry it took me so long to respond but I was working on a project’, or ‘I am going to go travelling and won’t be able to communicate much’, etc. It’s about the consistency in keeping the connection alive. Every single day, 365 days a year, no deviation unless they give you a head's up first? So if a guy starts out texting 2-3 times a day, which has happened to me plenty when I've begun dating a new guy, that is what he needs to continue to do for the duration of the relationship? Whether it lasts one week or 20 years, three times a day he needs to text you. Otherwise, he's deemed "inconsistent" and you're not happy. Holy cow girl, as I said, I wish you luck. That's one big unrealistic and frankly unreasonable expectation imo but if that's what you need, so be, I hope you can find a guy who can live up to that. It's also the perfect set up for a guy to lie to you when he needs some space - to process, marinate about things, decide his next move. Especially in early days. But good luck.. Edited September 23, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Every single day, 365 days a year, no deviation unless they give you a head's up first? So if a guy starts out texting 2-3 times a day, which has happened to me plenty when I've begun dating a guy, that is what he needs to continue to do for the duration of the relationship? Whether it lasts one week or 20 years, three times a day he needs to text you. Otherwise, he's deemed "inconsistent" and you're not happy. Holy cow girl, as I said, I wish you luck. That's one big unrealistic and frankly unreasonable expectation imo but if that's what you need, so be, I hope you can find a guy who can live up to that. Best. I don’t remember mentioning ‘3 times per day’. And certainly doesn’t have to be everyday the same. My point was, there’s a difference for when you act different because life got in the way for some reason, and act different and tell no reason for it, making the other person confused. Men that are interested are consistent in showing interest. That’s my point. 3
poppyfields Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Also, how does one forget the night of the date? I'm now wondering, maybe this guy forgot too, or maybe he thinks the date is tomorrow night?
poppyfields Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 6 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: I don’t remember mentioning ‘3 times per day’. And certainly doesn’t have to be everyday the same. My point was, there’s a difference for when you act different because life got in the way for some reason, and act different and tell no reason for it, making the other person confused. Men that are interested are consistent in showing interest. That’s my point. I only used the 3 times a day as an example. Ok so now you're saying not every day has to be the same. But if he switches it up, he needs a reason and to tell you that reason otherwise in your mind he's lost interest. That's fine, not my style but again if thats what you need, that is certainly your right and I hope you find it. 2
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 21 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Also, how does one forget the night of the date? I'm now wondering, maybe this guy forgot too, or maybe he thinks the date is tomorrow night? I didn’t forget, I wrote my first post in a hurry and got the day wrong - IN HERE. 3
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 16 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I only used the 3 times a day as an example. Ok so now you're saying not every day has to be the same. But if he switches it up, he needs a reason and to tell you that reason otherwise in your mind he's lost interest. That's fine, not my style but again if thats what you need, that is certainly your right and I hope you find it. Yes, because usually only men who are not interested do not bother to say anything.
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