astutise Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 9 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Yes, my question is not about the lack of texting and me wanting to text all the time, it’s about his sudden change of behaviour. He went from texting a lot to not texting that much and then checking my Instagram in between. That is a red flag to me and it makes me think of someone who is insecure, emotionally unavailable or just dating a lot of people at the same time. It’s the change of behaviour. He did text me today saying good morning and how are you and sharing something about his work and he mentioned our dinner tomorrow, I responded and then he said nothing else for the rest of the day. But he just checked my Instagram Stories just now... Anyway I am going to have the dinner date with him but will definitely proceed with caution. I do not like lack of consistency in anyone for that matter, makes me not trust that person. I'm with you, I value consistency a lot. I think the other issue which sometimes gets in the way is unspoken dating rules that sometimes even people who DO prefer consistency may fall victim to - they may have some off hand convo with a friend who mentions something about 'not being TOO available' and then it makes them think they should pepper their conversation....e.g. I remember once replying as I organically would to a guy who had a crush on me, then the friend who introduced us whipped the phone out of my hand when he replied and said 'DON'T REPLY TOO SUDDENLY, WAIT A BIT' and it did have me second guessing myself. Urgh. the initial stages of dating can be so tricky to navigate and fraught with anxieties. 1
poppyfields Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 See my last post about consistency, remaining flexible, changing nuances and uncertainty. Let go of rigid expectations, embrace the process! He texted you today, fabulous! Confirmed the date! I do think he's slowing things down to a more sustainable pace. Nothing wring with that. Relax and enjoy! Have fun!
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted September 21, 2020 Author Posted September 21, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, poppyfields said: See my last post about consistency, remaining flexible, changing nuances and uncertainty. Let go of rigid expectations, embrace the process! He texted you today, fabulous! Confirmed the date! I do think he's slowing things down to a more sustainable pace. Nothing wring with that. Relax and enjoy! Have fun! Could be, yes. Or he may just be emotionally unavailable which is usually the type of guys I attract... Anyway, he messages about work and business so much that at this point I don’t even know if he is interested in me romantically or wants a business partner of some kind. Things with him are confusing to me. Edited September 21, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020 2 1
Wiseman2 Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 13 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: I’ve had a nice first date last Thursday Many first meets can turn into one-and-done. It happens. Just like you, of course after one date he is still talking to and meeting others. It was just a few days ago so you don't really know what his pattern is. All you can do is see if he confirms plans for Tuesday. Alternatively you could text to firm up tentative plans and if he blows it off you can just move one. Try not to diagnose him after a first meet.
poppyfields Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Or he may just be emotionally unavailable which is usually the type of guys I attract... Why is that? Worth exploring, eh? What vibes are you sending such men, and what, pray tell, attracts them to you? It wasn't always this way, but I can sense an "emotionally unavailable" man a mile away! A man who only talks business and work and who I have to wonder whether or not he's romantically interested in me? A guy like that wouldn't appeal to me, may I ask what you find so appealing and attractive about him? Other than the physical? I was under the impression you had a great first date. The vibes were there, you connected. Now you're saying you think he might be emotionally unavailable and you don't know if he's interested in you romantically? I'm confused. Edited September 21, 2020 by poppyfields
stillafool Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 13 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Or he may just be emotionally unavailable which is usually the type of guys I attract... Usually it's the other way around. You are attracted to emotionally unavailable men. 1
poppyfields Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 3 minutes ago, stillafool said: Usually it's the other way around. You are attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Yup, they typically go hand in hand.
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted September 21, 2020 Author Posted September 21, 2020 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: Why is that? Worth exploring, eh? What vibes are you sending such men, and what, pray tell, attracts them to you? It wasn't always this way, but I can sense an "emotionally unavailable" man a mile away! A man who only talks business and work and who I have to wonder whether or not he's romantically interested in me? A guy like that wouldn't appeal to me, may I ask what you find so appealing and attractive about him? Other than the physical? I was under the impression you had a great first date. The vibes were there, you connected. Now you're saying you think he might be emotionally unavailable and you don't know if he's interested in you romantically? I'm confused. I said we had a great first date because on a mental level we were on the same page. We have similar businesses, do things in a similar way and see life in a similar way, so we had a lot to talk about. It was interesting and stimulating. But, thinking about it, that could happen with anyone. Even with a business partner. I found him attractive but I didn’t feel a romantic connection per se from him. I could not tell if he was attracted to me or not. Then after the date he sent me some goodnight messages with kisses and stuff which is romantic I guess, and I responded the same way, but then he abruptly stopped, hence my question in here. And then his messages became friendly vibe only, that’s why I don’t even know if he sees me as a potential date or a potential business partner, which is not a good place to be to be honest. 1
ccas93 Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 I am glad he got back to you. honestly. Sounds like it's worth giving another try. 1
poppyfields Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 (edited) 36 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: And then his messages became friendly vibe only, that’s why I don’t even know if he sees me as a potential date or a potential business partner, which is not a good place to be to be honest. No it's not a good place, nor is it a good feeling! I'm with ya there! You said you didn't feel a romantic connection from him; I have found a romantic connection, genuine chemistry, is mutually felt by both people. Which begs the question, do you think he felt a romantic vibe/connection from you? How do you feel? Did you feel that romantic energy with him? Are you "attracted to" him? Different from simply finding him attractive. It doesn't sound like either of you felt that connection or "spark" tbh. I dunno, give it another date, but if you still have to question his romantic interest (and your own) after that, then perhaps it's best to let this one go. I would. $.02. Edited September 21, 2020 by poppyfields 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 6 hours ago, ccas93 said: for the record, I really do appreciate everyone's perspective who DID try to look at this from a potentially positive point of view - and hey, if major changes in communication doesn't bother you that much and you still wanna give him a chance, more power to you. You're welcome. I hope for the best for you.
Versacehottie Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 (edited) 15 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: He usually does the initiating, although I did initiate too once a couple of days ago. My last message was just a comment about something we were discussing around travelling. girl, 100% honest, I'd be bored already if I was him. You are making yourself far too accessible and he is too and it can be boring. You aren't letting him feel missing you a bit so he can look forward to something and you should doing the same. You can get to know each other over messaging or in person. In person would likely have more texture, meaning and thus make more of a connection if one exists to be made. You should use the texting for short little informational things or good banter that is the opposite of going on forever. That he's looking at your stories kind of shows that he is trying to be excited by you but the texts are already going nowhere for him or make him feel obligated. Don't fool yourself that a good morning, good night text or putting up and responding to the "what are you doing now" b.s. = that he is into you. He's just playing the game. It's meaningless, he just knows that girls he is dating expect it. Btw, you are acting super anxious and invested about it. That is not usually a good sign for lastingness of things. Not because it's based in the reality of what is, but that an anxious person will usually smother or self sabotage things Edited September 21, 2020 by Versacehottie 6
ccas93 Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 21 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: You're welcome. I hope for the best for you. Thanks! I promise I'm a reasonable person offline I just get fed up with the dating game sometimes.. 1
Watercolors Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 1 hour ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: I said we had a great first date because on a mental level we were on the same page. We have similar businesses, do things in a similar way and see life in a similar way, so we had a lot to talk about. It was interesting and stimulating. But, thinking about it, that could happen with anyone. Even with a business partner. I found him attractive but I didn’t feel a romantic connection per se from him. I could not tell if he was attracted to me or not. Then after the date he sent me some goodnight messages with kisses and stuff which is romantic I guess, and I responded the same way, but then he abruptly stopped, hence my question in here. And then his messages became friendly vibe only, that’s why I don’t even know if he sees me as a potential date or a potential business partner, which is not a good place to be to be honest. You two only had 1 date with each other. You are not in a relationship with him. He is still a complete stranger to you. Why are you acting offended by something a complete stranger has done? I think you need to forget about him. Unless he's confirmed your second date, you've been bamboozled. Guys who are multi-dating do this all the time. The red flag here is that he immediately started to love bomb you via text message afterward. He doesn't know you long enough to give you a pet name, or sign his text messages "xoxo," etc. He's a complete STRANGER who is using text messaging to create the illusion of a real connection with you. Text messages cannot convey real communication or real conversation. Someone else pointed out: who has the time to text all day long every day with a complete stranger? And, why would you do that instead of talk to them in person or on the phone?! I know a lot of people will disagree with me. But in the context of just having met him once in person, you put all your eggs in your text message basket with him, creating a fantasy or illusion around your text message exchanges about who he is. But you really don't know who he is. You have to spend time with him in person for about 2-3 months before you can really know him. Words on a screen mean nothing. I once fell into this same trap with a guy. I let him build up this fantasy of who he was, and what I thought I meant to him, by answering his barrage of text messages every day for 5 weeks. Then, when I asked him to meet in person he balked with excuses and then completely stopped texting me and blocked me on his social media. Have you two even confirmed a date and time for your second date? Have you discussed that second date yet via text message? Why not call him on the phone and have some phone conversations with him. With a phone call, you can hear his tone of voice. For me personally, I prefer the phone to text messaging after my horrible online experience. I think it is easier to figure out his level of interest with a live phone call, vs. a text message where you can hear tone of voice. 1
poppyfields Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Watercolors said: You two only had 1 date with each other. You are not in a relationship with him. He is still a complete stranger to you. Why are you acting offended by something a complete stranger has done? I think you need to forget about him. Unless he's confirmed your second date, you've been bamboozled. Guys who are multi-dating do this all the time. The red flag here is that he immediately started to love bomb you via text message afterward. He doesn't know you long enough to give you a pet name, or sign his text messages "xoxo," etc. He's a complete STRANGER who is using text messaging to create the illusion of a real connection with you. Text messages cannot convey real communication or real conversation. Someone else pointed out: who has the time to text all day long every day with a complete stranger? And, why would you do that instead of talk to them in person or on the phone?! I know a lot of people will disagree with me. But in the context of just having met him once in person, you put all your eggs in your text message basket with him, creating a fantasy or illusion around your text message exchanges about who he is. But you really don't know who he is. You have to spend time with him in person for about 2-3 months before you can really know him. Words on a screen mean nothing. I once fell into this same trap with a guy. I let him build up this fantasy of who he was, and what I thought I meant to him, by answering his barrage of text messages every day for 5 weeks. Then, when I asked him to meet in person he balked with excuses and then completely stopped texting me and blocked me on his social media. Have you two even confirmed a date and time for your second date? Have you discussed that second date yet via text message? Why not call him on the phone and have some phone conversations with him. With a phone call, you can hear his tone of voice. For me personally, I prefer the phone to text messaging after my horrible online experience. I think it is easier to figure out his level of interest with a live phone call, vs. a text message where you can hear tone of voice. WC, not sure how one could call it "lovebombing" when all he talks about is work and business and she feels no romantic connection from him OR with him. He may be hoping to get her into bed eventually, but other than that, this sounds like one big waste of time. YAWN. I'd be taking a pass, not because he didn't text for one day, I'd be plain ole turned off. Hope I'm wrong, assuming you really like the guy girlnextdoor. Which I honestly can't even tell. Edited September 22, 2020 by poppyfields
Watercolors Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 4 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Could be, yes. Or he may just be emotionally unavailable which is usually the type of guys I attract... Anyway, he messages about work and business so much that at this point I don’t even know if he is interested in me romantically or wants a business partner of some kind. Things with him are confusing to me. A quick phone call would clear up any confusion. Also what do you want from him? If you're not romantically interested in him after 1 date, then why worry about his inconsistent texting? Decide what you want from this connection: a 2nd date, a professional business connection, or nothing at all. Then, call him on the phone and have a conversation to find out what he thinks. This is why I'm glad I grew up without technology like cellphones and the internet. All I had were LAN line phones and writing letters. Much easier to discern what my date thought, since I either saw him in person, spoke to him on the phone, or we wrote letters when I dated men who lived in different cites or states.
poppyfields Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 (edited) Aww @WC, letter writing, that's so sweet! That's when you know a man is into you, when he can sit down and write you a letter, that takes effort! Edited September 22, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Trail Blazer Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 I've done this before. Sometimes I've simply forgotten to reply. If I've read a message quickly, put my phone away and not opened the chat applet again... it happens. So, this is all after one date? When I was dating, one date was simply one date. I was still talking to other girls, still living life as a very single individual, because, well, I was and I didn't owe anything to anyone at that stage. He may well be going one further than I did, which is, a male's version of a $h!t test. He could be seeing how you react. If you becomes clingy and obsessive, he might run the other way. If you play it cool, he might like that and respect it more. It's hard to know exactly what's going on. However, if he's the kind of guy who has a lot of options, consider yourself to be just one of many he has and after only one date, you are nowhere near exclusivity yet. 4
Watercolors Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 36 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Aww @WC, letter writing, that's so sweet! That's when you know a man is into you, when he can sit down and write you a letter, that takes effort! Those were the days, poppy! I still have some of the hand-written letters that I received. Proof that men liked me after all! Heh heh! Well, in the 1980s and early 1990s, you were kind of limited to how to connect with each other. In person, pen pal, or phone calls. Wow, I feel ancient!
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted September 22, 2020 Author Posted September 22, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Trail Blazer said: I've done this before. Sometimes I've simply forgotten to reply. If I've read a message quickly, put my phone away and not opened the chat applet again... it happens. So, this is all after one date? When I was dating, one date was simply one date. I was still talking to other girls, still living life as a very single individual, because, well, I was and I didn't owe anything to anyone at that stage. He may well be going one further than I did, which is, a male's version of a $h!t test. He could be seeing how you react. If you becomes clingy and obsessive, he might run the other way. If you play it cool, he might like that and respect it more. It's hard to know exactly what's going on. However, if he's the kind of guy who has a lot of options, consider yourself to be just one of many he has and after only one date, you are nowhere near exclusivity yet. OMG guys! I don’t want exclusivity after one date, or do I think I know him with text messaging! I was just pointing out a change of behaviour from him since we met, and asking that here! I don’t like playing games, and to me it’s not about playing it cool after one date or whatever. To me it’s about communication. If we had a nice date and are glad we found each other on Planet Earth, why not continue the communication on a consistent basis? That doesn’t mean I know him or we are in a relationship, it’s just communication! And yes I prefer on the phone too and was going to tell him that before he stopped texting that often. He did confirm the date, but didn’t mention where or what time up until now. Anyway I’ve had a lunch date yesterday with another guy that was also nice, so I’m not putting all eggs in one dating basket! It’s just that I do feel a change of behaviour and my intuition tells me something is not right. I am going on the second date with him to see how I feel. Edited September 22, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020 4
astutise Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 1 minute ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: OMG guys! I don’t want exclusivity after one date, or do I think I know him with text messaging! I was just pointing out a change of behaviour from him since we met, and asking that here! I don’t like playing games, and to me it’s not about playing it cool after one date or whatever. To me it’s about communication. If we had a nice date and are glad we found each other on Planet Earth, why not continue the communication on a consistent basis? That doesn’t mean I know him or we are in a relationship, it’s just communication! And yes I prefer on the phone too and was going to tell him that before he stopped texting that often. He did confirm the date, but didn’t mention where or what time up until now. Anyway I’ve had a lunch date yesterday with another guy that was also nice, so I’m not putting all eggs in one dating basket! It’s just that I do feel a change of behaviour and my intuition tells me something is not right. I am going on the second date with him to see how I feel. I've noticed quite a few people on this site really love technicalities and sort of....using this generalised skeleton frame of a dating trajectory against which to compare and contrast, make assumptions and enquire. Which would be ideal and work out fine if we lived in an ideal world, but we don't. The dating world is full of nuances - because people are nuanced. But the reason we have intuition and gut feelings is because patterns can emerge with the rotten eggs, with anything in life really. We use patterns and trends across all sectors to determine likelihood, risks etc. There is nothing wrong with having standards and expectations. I think being told things like 'needy and clingy' can make someone who values good healthy communication start to think they should accept less than, if they are not careful. Consistent communication is a mark of respect - if i decided to reply to my employer as and when i pleased before the interview process - i don't expect him to think - 'well she doesn't owe me anything yet' - though technically i don't, it shows my level of interest, reliability and consistency. And there's nothing wrong with any of that. I repeat, if he's genuinely busy, hasn't been online - that's something very different. But he HAS been online and even more, checked out your insta stories. No he doesn't owe you a reply (you never even said he did anyway) - but if he wants to show he is a good partner material, those signs should be exhibited, particularly at the beginning. And if someone changes how they behave once they decide you/somethings are 'worth it' - that's kind of creepy in a way. Does that mean the rest of the time, when in life something is 'not worth it', they change personas? 2
astutise Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 3 hours ago, Trail Blazer said: I've done this before. Sometimes I've simply forgotten to reply. If I've read a message quickly, put my phone away and not opened the chat applet again... it happens. So, this is all after one date? When I was dating, one date was simply one date. I was still talking to other girls, still living life as a very single individual, because, well, I was and I didn't owe anything to anyone at that stage. He may well be going one further than I did, which is, a male's version of a $h!t test. He could be seeing how you react. If you becomes clingy and obsessive, he might run the other way. If you play it cool, he might like that and respect it more. It's hard to know exactly what's going on. However, if he's the kind of guy who has a lot of options, consider yourself to be just one of many he has and after only one date, you are nowhere near exclusivity yet. He didn't just forget to reply. He went online on whatsapp, and then also instagram and checked out her stories. Your example makes total sense, think we've all done that readily. But its the nonsense of going suddenly silent whilst observing her on instagram. Weird. 2
Trail Blazer Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 (edited) 48 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: OMG guys! I don’t want exclusivity after one date, or do I think I know him with text messaging! I was just pointing out a change of behaviour from him since we met, and asking that here! I don’t like playing games, and to me it’s not about playing it cool after one date or whatever. To me it’s about communication. If we had a nice date and are glad we found each other on Planet Earth, why not continue the communication on a consistent basis? That doesn’t mean I know him or we are in a relationship, it’s just communication! And yes I prefer on the phone too and was going to tell him that before he stopped texting that often. He did confirm the date, but didn’t mention where or what time up until now. Anyway I’ve had a lunch date yesterday with another guy that was also nice, so I’m not putting all eggs in one dating basket! It’s just that I do feel a change of behaviour and my intuition tells me something is not right. I am going on the second date with him to see how I feel. You went on ONE date with him. You know far too little about him to say he's changing his behavior. One date means nothing in the context of knowing him enough to sense any changing patterns. The reality is that he's not all that interested in you, yet. I'm sorry, but that's what it boils down to. It may change, but right now he's treating you like an option because that's what you are to him at the moment. Edited September 22, 2020 by Trail Blazer 3
Trail Blazer Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 35 minutes ago, astutise said: He didn't just forget to reply. He went online on whatsapp, and then also instagram and checked out her stories. Your example makes total sense, think we've all done that readily. But its the nonsense of going suddenly silent whilst observing her on instagram. Weird. I've forgotten to reply to someone on, say, Messenger - yet, if that person was observing my online activity, they'd notice I'd been active after having read their message. That's because, you know, there may have been another reason for why I had been active since our last convo. Just because I then, say, logged onto Insta and saw the person's story, and viewed it, doesn't mean that I automatically would remember to open the Messenger chat applet and reply to them. After one date, OP is merely an option amongst potentially many. If the guy is decent looking, he'd have women coming out of his a-hole. OP would be best served to keep him engaged in a way which doesn't constitute clingy behavior or stalking him. Or, be content to let this guy slide.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 Far too much analyzing based on far too little in-person interaction. Go on the second date, OP. See how it feels. It doesn't make sense to assign this meaning or that meaning to his texting habits when you hardly know the guy, 2
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