Guy stopped sending messages all of a sudden

[girlnextdoor2020]

I’ve had a nice first date last Thursday with this guy I met online and we have a lot in common.

He texted me afterwards and seemed really into me, invited me for dinner next Tuesday. 
 

We have been texting back and forth since, but yesterday at lunch time he stopped.

He sent me a good morning message, I responded, we exchanged a few messages and I sent the last message by lunch time.

He saw it but up until now didn’t say anything back, which is weird since he never takes so long to respond. Even in the evening Or this morning he didn’t say anything.

And he was online on Whatsapp and was also checking my Instagram Stories. 
 

I don’t like this at all. I like consistency in a guy, especially in the early stages, and this lefts me wondering if I did anything wrong, should I have sent another message, etc.

So, already having bad feelings about someone I was so keen on.

Why do guys do this and what is the best for me to do? Since he was checking my IG Stories I guess he was fine and didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to. Is he playing games?

This is so confusing and ridiculous and I don’t like being concerned. I’m being put off by this. Thank you!

[ccas93]

As soon as this crap starts, I'm out. I just delete and block now when people get weird and play games. I've never had a situation like this work out where the person wasn't actually playing games and had a good reason. 

[Acacia98]

27 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Why do guys do this and what is the best for me to do? Since he was checking my IG Stories I guess he was fine and didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to. Is he playing games?

This is so confusing and ridiculous and I don’t like being concerned. I’m being put off by this. Thank you!

I don't know why he's doing it, but my experience has been similar to ccas93's: When people initially communicate in a straightforward manner then suddenly start doing things like not responding while watching my every move on social media, nothing good ever comes of it. And it doesn't have to happen in the context of dating. So, personally, I would be wary about dealing with this person.

[balletomane]

I think you're both far too invested in social media and text messages. You've had one date, and you only met him in person three days ago. Exchanging multiple messages a day in such a short space of time and monitoring and analysing each other's online activity is a good way to suffocate whatever interest is there. I'd go to dinner on Tuesday, but not overdo or overanalyse the contact beforehand - it's only a second date.

[ExpatInItaly]

What did you your last message to him say?

Who usually does the initiating?

[girlnextdoor2020]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What did you your last message to him say?

Who usually does the initiating?

He usually does the initiating, although I did initiate too once a couple of days ago.
 

My last message was just a comment about something we were discussing around travelling. 

[Dork Vader]

1 hour ago, ccas93 said:

As soon as this crap starts, I'm out. I just delete and block now when people get weird and play games. I've never had a situation like this work out where the person wasn't actually playing games and had a good reason. 

Agreed, no point in wasting your time with this kind of nonsense. It never goes well. It would be one thing if he was working and text you later in the day hey I got busy with work. 

[stillafool]

Who in the world has nothing better to do than to have meaningless conversation with someone all day?  Just wait until next Tuesday for your date and talk then.

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, balletomane said:

Exchanging multiple messages a day in such a short space of time and monitoring and analysing each other's online activity is a good way to suffocate whatever interest is there. I'd go to dinner on Tuesday, but not overdo or overanalyse the contact beforehand - it's only a second date.

I think this^ is the best advice. 

Thinking positively, my take is he hasn't stopped liking you and still wants to date and get to know you, but realizes texting every day leads to burn out and unrealistic expectations (seems that has happened already?) and is slowing things down a bit.

The negative is he could be playing the push/pull game but I wouldn't jump to that conclusion just yet. 

When he reaches out, try to not show disappointment/hurt/anger, assuming you still like him and want to continue dating him.  

Try to relax.  Stay busy, you have a date Tuesday, tomorrow? 

Play this out.  It's not his fault you feel insecure and off balance.

He hasn't done anything "wrong" per se, it's been one day since he last messaged.  Your feelings of insecurity, anger now are your own to manage.  

When things like this happen, I search within to determine where my feelings are coming from and I own them.

Your feelings are not his fault.  I think it's important to remember that.

Edited September 21, 2020 by poppyfields

[kendahke]

8 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

I’ve had a nice first date last Thursday with this guy I met online

It's a bit too soon to be expecting devotion out of someone you don't know. Ease up off your rigidity.  He's got a life that isn't focused on you and texts which he has a right to.  You need to find something to do with all this free time you've got.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Not speaking for a couple of days at such an early stage wouldn't bother me, it's the drastic change from multiple texts all day to nothing for a couple of days that would give me pause. I go less by some invisible code of rules on how often to text/call/whatever than on a person's general behavior and whether it is consistent. If this guy has been bombing you and suddenly he just says nothing for a couple of days, not even "work is crazy, talk tomorrow?" then I don't blame you for questioning it. It's a 180.

I think I would still go on the date, since you guys did plan it, after all, but I also think that date (if it happens) may determine whether something has happened in the space of that week.

[astutise]

8 hours ago, ccas93 said:

As soon as this crap starts, I'm out. I just delete and block now when people get weird and play games. I've never had a situation like this work out where the person wasn't actually playing games and had a good reason. 

I'd agree with this.

The old me used to reason and rationalise and say 'give it a chance, early days etc etc' but i've never had a situation where this nonsense starts and then it ends well. At best, it turns into a hot and cold situation that leaves me feeling anxious and confused. 

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, astutise said:

I'd agree with this.

The old me used to reason and rationalise and say 'give it a chance, early days etc etc' but i've never had a situation where this nonsense starts and then it ends well. At best, it turns into a hot and cold situation that leaves me feeling anxious and confused. 

Because he didn't text for one day after one date? 

I realize you are not the OP, but wow, no disrespect but if you dump him, which is where this is leaning, me thinks perhaps he dodged a bullet. 

He hasn't broken the date, stood you up, blown you off or ghosted. 

No text for one day, which throws you off balance, causing anxiety and insecurity so automatic dump.

Certainly your prerogative but wow.  

Best of luck finding a guy to live up to such rigid and unreasonable  expectations. 

My opinion.

Edited September 21, 2020 by poppyfields

[astutise]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Because he didn't text for one day? 

Okay, but wow, no disrespect but if you dump him, which is where this is leaning, me thinks perhaps he dodged a bullet. 

He hasn't broken the date, stood you up, blown you off or ghosted. 

No text for one day, which throws you off balance so dump.

Certainly your prerogative but wow.

Best of luck finding a guy to live up to such rigid expectations. 

I wouldn't dump him off that necessarily, but I would proceed with caution. 

I think social media and ease of communication with any number of people has added a new dimension of accessibility for people who take a reckless approach to dating and i wouldn't have believed it either until you notice the trend. Its not that he didn't text for one day - its the abrupt change in what was otherwise consistent. And the other variables remained the same - he IS on social media, he has been on insta and whatsapp and suddenly pattern changed. Dunno, welcome to the weird world of dating in 2020.

I'd go on the date but as i said, proceed with caution 

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, astutise said:

I wouldn't dump him off that necessarily, but I would proceed with caution. 

I think social media and ease of communication with any number of people has added a new dimension of accessibility for people who take a reckless approach to dating and i wouldn't have believed it either until you notice the trend. Its not that he didn't text for one day - its the abrupt change in what was otherwise consistent. And the other variables remained the same - he IS on social media, he has been on insta and whatsapp and suddenly pattern changed. Dunno, welcome to the weird world of dating in 2020.

I'd go on the date but as i said, proceed with caution 

I get it but again it's possible he *is* intentionally slowing things down for any number of reasons, none of them bad, in fact, the opposite -- good. 

To avoid burn out.

To avoid becoming attached too soon.

To avoid the expectation of communicating every day, which can be suffocating. 

To avoid the "too fast, too soon" syndrome.

It could be anything!  Why jump to negative?  

They had a great date!  They have another scheduled!  Why not relax and enjoy the process?  

I dunno, everyone is so scared, we have become a society ruled by fear, it's sad.

That said, agree proceed with caution, that's a given in any new dating situation.

Edited September 21, 2020 by poppyfields

[Fletch Lives]

You may be overacting. You have a date set, should talk more on the date instead of text, and maybe he's a smart guy and knows this? Just relax and look forward to the date.

[ccas93]

for the record, I really do appreciate everyone's perspective who DID try to look at this from a potentially positive point of view - and hey, if major changes in communication doesn't bother you that much and you still wanna give him a chance, more power to you.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you are texting way too much. One date is not a relationship. Lay back and see if he solidifies plans for the date.

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

It could be anything!  Why jump to negative?

Why not give a negative interpretation if that is a possibility that makes sense to you? I mean, OP came seeking people's opinions. Some are bound to be negative, some positive, some neutral. And that's okay. OP can decide what makes sense to her.

 

1 hour ago, astutise said:

Its not that he didn't text for one day - its the abrupt change in what was otherwise consistent. And the other variables remained the same - he IS on social media, he has been on insta and whatsapp and suddenly pattern changed. 

Yeah. All of that got my attention. And also the bit where they were right in the middle of a conversation when he went silent. Imagine that happening in real life: you're talking and laughing with someone, then after you speak, he just abruptly turns and walks away, leaving you hanging. Then later you see him peeping at you from around the corner. It's not exactly what we'd call polite behavior. Or normal behavior for that matter.

(Me, personally, if I wanted to slow things down, I'd go for a more natural ending to the conversation then slow my responses in subsequent exchanges. Alternatively, I'd say things were picking up at work and I wouldn't be online much, but I was looking forward to Tuesday.)

It's a "small" thing. But it often speaks volumes. In my personal experience (admittedly anecdotal), it always speaks volumes.

Edited September 21, 2020 by Acacia98

[ShyViolet]

He hasn't texted you for ONE day, and you just had a first date with the guy last Thursday.  You've only known this guy for a matter of days, and you already seem to expect him to text you 24/7.  That is an unhealthy expectation.  People are too obsessed with constant communication and social media these days.  Not everyone texts people ALL DAY every day.  Maybe he got busy.  Just ease up and stop overanalyzing things, and go on that second date with him.  Give him some room to breathe.

[astutise]

2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Why not give a negative interpretation if that is a possibility that makes sense to you? I mean, OP came seeking people's opinions. Some are bound to be negative, some positive, some neutral. And that's okay. OP can decide what makes sense to her.

 

Yeah. All of that got my attention. And also the bit where they were right in the middle of a conversation when he went silent. Imagine that happening in real life: you're talking and laughing with someone, then after you speak, he just abruptly turns and walks away, leaving you hanging. Then later you see him peeping at you from around the corner. It's not exactly what we'd call polite behavior. Or normal behavior for that matter.

(Me, personally, if I wanted to slow things down, I'd go for a more natural ending to the conversation then slow my responses in subsequent exchanges. Alternatively, I'd say things were picking up at work and I wouldn't be online much, but I was looking forward to Tuesday.)

It's a "small" thing. But it often speaks volumes. In my personal experience (admittedly anecdotal), it always speaks volumes.

Hahaha yes I agree with you. 

N.B. for the optimists amongst us I'd be less inclined to agree IF he wasn't on insta or whatsapp after going silent. If you're too busy to reply, you're too busy to check insta stories.

Who knows though, maybe he does have his own legitimate reasoning and this turns out as no reflection on him. Second date should reveal more. 

[astutise]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I get it but again it's possible he *is* intentionally slowing things down for any number of reasons, none of them bad, in fact, the opposite -- good. 

To avoid burn out.

To avoid becoming attached too soon.

To avoid the expectation of communicating every day, which can be suffocating. 

To avoid the "too fast, too soon" syndrome.

It could be anything!  Why jump to negative?  

They had a great date!  They have another scheduled!  Why not relax and enjoy the process?  

I dunno, everyone is so scared, we have become a society ruled by fear, it's sad.

That said, agree proceed with caution, that's a given in any new dating situation.

yes, any of those could be true, too. We are ruled by fear, sadly, I agree - but I guess dating is a brutal field in general and what happens if you are a seasoned or even just a sensible soldier? You arm yourself and brace yourself before entering the battlefield. 

[smackie9]

I say slow down on the texting and leave some anticipation....use the talk for the dates.

[poppyfields]

I do think it's rude to drop off in the midst of a conversation, I didn't realize that's what happened, my bad if you mentioned previously.

And I'm not suggesting you not be concerned, just to look within and determine where those anxious feelings are coming from.

People talk about consistency or lack thereof; imo it's important to remain flexible and open to all the changing nuances that will occur in these precarious early stages. 

Uncertainty is a given in these early stages.  Try and embrace it! Roll with it.  

Otherwise your anxiety and insecurity will get the best of you and you may dump a guy prematurely who may have been perfect for you!

Judge each man individually from the last.  Dont hold him to unrealistic standards like remaining "consistent," learn to understand the changing nuances and that there will be times he needs space, or you need space, it doesn't mean he's lost interest. 

He just needs some space or it's going too fast or whatever it may be.  Allow him that, room to "breathe" without freaking.  

If you start becoming anxious and insecure and react, that might turn him off and cause him to pull back more!  

I'm not judging, promise, I used to become very anxious myself so I can empathize.

That's when I began looking within to determine where those anxious  feelings came from and realized it was more about me than him or whatever he was or was not doing. 

Again play it out. Continue paying attention and being cautious.    If you decide this isn't the right situation for you, that is perfectly okay, you have to judge for yourself what you're comfortable with. 

 

Edited September 21, 2020 by poppyfields

[girlnextdoor2020]

52 minutes ago, astutise said:

Hahaha yes I agree with you. 

N.B. for the optimists amongst us I'd be less inclined to agree IF he wasn't on insta or whatsapp after going silent. If you're too busy to reply, you're too busy to check insta stories.

Who knows though, maybe he does have his own legitimate reasoning and this turns out as no reflection on him. Second date should reveal more. 

Yes, my question is not about the lack of texting and me wanting to text all the time, it’s about his sudden change of behaviour. 

He went from texting a lot to not texting that much and then checking my Instagram in between. That is a red flag to me and it makes me think of someone who is insecure, emotionally unavailable or just dating a lot of people at the same time.

It’s the change of behaviour.

He did text me today saying good morning and how are you and sharing something about his work and he mentioned our dinner tomorrow, I responded and then he said nothing else for the rest of the day. But he just checked my Instagram Stories just now...

Anyway I am going to have the dinner date with him but will definitely proceed with caution. I do not like lack of consistency in anyone for that matter, makes me not trust that person.