I really liked him except for this one superficial thing. How do I get past it?

[caputo77]

I met a guy online last week and as we texted, was immediately struck by how compatible we seemed. We had sooooo much in common and so much to talk about. It’s been a while since I met someone I felt I could truly connect with, so I was excited.

He’s out of town for the time being so we set up a video call last night. Again, we seem so compatible and our conversation on the call solidified that. Our values appear to be very well aligned, we practice the same religion (which is very important to me and I’ve struggled to find that), we have sooooo many unique interests in common, we have similar goals and ambitions, and appear to be on the same page about what we want our lives to be. Conversation flowed naturally and felt really good, with an appropriate balance of flirting/banter and deeper conversation. Obviously it was one video call and I still need to get to know the guy, but everything felt good. He texted me immediately after and told me how much fun he had talking to me and asked if I’d like to do it again. I said yes.

But, (and I feel like the most awful and shallow person even saying this) the minute he opened his mouth, I was super turned off by his voice. I didn’t even know that was a thing that could turn me off, but apparently it is. I’m typically into very masculine guys, and he has a pretty high pitched, feminine voice. When he laughed, it literally sounded like a girl laughing. Since we haven’t met in person yet, I can’t tell whether or not there is a physical chemistry there that makes up for it. I’m attracted to his pictures, but who knows if that will translate in person.

Again, I really liked him and I obviously know that all the ways we seem compatible are much more important than his voice. But I literally can’t stop thinking about it. I feel like this past year I’ve had a track record of dating guys who were bad for me and turning down guys that are good for me. The “bad guys” usually seemed perfect on all superficial levels right from the get go and I ignored all the red flags and reasons we were likely incompatible. Whereas the “good guys” usually had some one thing that turned me off so I just rejected them rather than giving it a real chance. I''m wondering if I'm just stupidly playing into this unhealthy pattern again? I do want a good and healthy relationship and obviously this dating pattern has gotten me nowhere but hurt, so I’m trying to be more conscious of it and accept that no one good for me is going to be perfect in every way.

But I can already feel my brain sticking to that one thing and being turned off by it. I’m immensely frustrated, because I really do want to be with someone, and I feel potential here. I also recognize that no one is perfect, and if I keep searching for that I'll always be alone. So how can I work past this “ick” I’m feeling? When you were finding your significant other, was there ever one superficial thing right off the bat that turned you off, but you were able to get past it?

Thanks in advance for the advice and please don’t chastise me too much for being shallow — I know it’s shallow and I’m consciously trying to work against it. 

[central]

Meet in person and decide then.  He may be nervous online which can affect how he sounds.  Or maybe he'll be awesome and you'll get over this.

[Veronica73]

That’s a tough one. I mean, maybe meet him in person when he comes back and see if you feel the same way.

But I know what you mean by something shallow being a huge turn off. If it was just this one guy that this has happened with, I’d probably say listen to your gut and move on. But since it sounds like this has happened more than a couple of times....maybe it is something with you that you need to figure out.

[Fox Sake]

Meet first then decide if it’s a negative that is outweighed by the positives. No one is perfect! 

[FMW]

I agree with the suggestions to meet in person before making a decision.  

If it still really bothers you after meeting though, it's probably best to just move on.  That's not something he can change and probably not something you'll get past. 

[Weezy1973]

Agree with above posters. It’s early times yet, and too early to assess compatibility. 
 

Also, if you have a pattern of rejecting men that would make good partners, and you’re drawn to men that don’t make good partners, it might be worth a bit of introspection to see if there’s a reason. Maybe you’re subconsciously avoiding serious relationships for some reason?

[smackie9]

I agree with the others it's worth a date at least. But I also agree with you, the sound of their voice is all part of the physical attraction and that isn't being shallow at all. Recently I discovered how sexy a Scottish accent is. If I was single today I would be looking for Scottish men lol.

[OnlyHonesty]

I don't see how this is shallow. I wouldn't be attracted to a woman that sounded like a man, it's just how it is. However, the only way to be sure is to meet up. if a man is taking shallow breaths, is a little nervous, and talks fast due to this, he might sound different. But since you said he laughed like a girl, maybe that's just how he is. You could also talk a little longer to see if him being more comfortable makes any difference.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Not shallow.  Physical attraction is important!  

[ShyViolet]

To me this goes in the category of physical attraction.  Stop apologizing for being "shallow", stop constantly worrying about what you are "supposed" to feel or whether your reasons for being turned off are valid.  You have the right to disqualify someone for any reason whatsoever, even a superficial physical reason.  Just go with your gut, do what YOU want.  I do think it's worth one date to see if you still feel the same way, or if you feel differently in person.  But if it still bothers you just as much after an in-person date, then don't date him.

[Maldives]

15 hours ago, caputo77 said:

I met a guy online last week and as we texted, was immediately struck by how compatible we seemed. We had sooooo much in common and so much to talk about. It’s been a while since I met someone I felt I could truly connect with, so I was excited.

He’s out of town for the time being so we set up a video call last night. Again, we seem so compatible and our conversation on the call solidified that. Our values appear to be very well aligned, we practice the same religion (which is very important to me and I’ve struggled to find that), we have sooooo many unique interests in common, we have similar goals and ambitions, and appear to be on the same page about what we want our lives to be. Conversation flowed naturally and felt really good, with an appropriate balance of flirting/banter and deeper conversation. Obviously it was one video call and I still need to get to know the guy, but everything felt good. He texted me immediately after and told me how much fun he had talking to me and asked if I’d like to do it again. I said yes.

But, (and I feel like the most awful and shallow person even saying this) the minute he opened his mouth, I was super turned off by his voice. I didn’t even know that was a thing that could turn me off, but apparently it is. I’m typically into very masculine guys, and he has a pretty high pitched, feminine voice. When he laughed, it literally sounded like a girl laughing. Since we haven’t met in person yet, I can’t tell whether or not there is a physical chemistry there that makes up for it. I’m attracted to his pictures, but who knows if that will translate in person.

Again, I really liked him and I obviously know that all the ways we seem compatible are much more important than his voice. But I literally can’t stop thinking about it. I feel like this past year I’ve had a track record of dating guys who were bad for me and turning down guys that are good for me. The “bad guys” usually seemed perfect on all superficial levels right from the get go and I ignored all the red flags and reasons we were likely incompatible. Whereas the “good guys” usually had some one thing that turned me off so I just rejected them rather than giving it a real chance. I''m wondering if I'm just stupidly playing into this unhealthy pattern again? I do want a good and healthy relationship and obviously this dating pattern has gotten me nowhere but hurt, so I’m trying to be more conscious of it and accept that no one good for me is going to be perfect in every way.

But I can already feel my brain sticking to that one thing and being turned off by it. I’m immensely frustrated, because I really do want to be with someone, and I feel potential here. I also recognize that no one is perfect, and if I keep searching for that I'll always be alone. So how can I work past this “ick” I’m feeling? When you were finding your significant other, was there ever one superficial thing right off the bat that turned you off, but you were able to get past it?

Thanks in advance for the advice and please don’t chastise me too much for being shallow — I know it’s shallow and I’m consciously trying to work against it. 

If that was me I would pass on it that is important and dating apps are s*** and don't work. That's why the best way of meeting someone is in real life for the first time not online they haven't worked for me either 

[Chilli]

Yeah l agree at least meet him but l do get the voice voice is a big thing. l can't stand loud women with man voices or women that laugh none stop , that one really drives me nuts.

But if your game and everything else seeming so good , maybe he sounds better in RL.

[Calmandfocused]

This is a wild thing to say but is there any possibility that this guy may be Trans? It’s the first thing that popped into my head. 
 

Testosterone is what gives a man a deep voice, hair growth, the production of sperm etc. This is why biologically women are attracted to deep voices. 

Even if he is not trans, there may be a problem with his testosterone production. In which case there may also be a sex drive problem too. 
 

Sorry I’m sounding a bit way out there (and pessimistic) but this may be the reason why. 
 

I’d be looking for evidence of body hair etc on the first date but that’s just me. 
 

Look don’t be so hard on yourself. If after your date, your not attracted to him, then your not attracted to him- for whatever reason! It doesn’t make you a bad or shallow person. You are not obligated to date someone just because they’re a “good guy”. You need to make the right choice for you. 
 

 

[Chilli]

 

Hey , great first date discussion .

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, caputo77 said:

 the minute he opened his mouth, I was super turned off by his voice. So how can I work past this “ick” I’m feeling?

The best way to deal with this "ick factor", is to not waste any more of his time. If there is no attraction don't bother dating. Kindly and politely tell him you're not a match. Don't offer to "be friends" or lead him on.

[Fletch Lives]

Haha! Yes, this does happen sometimes, some women don't like a guy who sounds like a chipmunk! It could be why he's single (sometime there is a reason). Don't go on a date with him, his voice is not going to change. This is part of the reason some people like to chat on the phone first/video call. Just keep fishing!

Edited September 21, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[Trail Blazer]

If he sounds like his balls haven't dropped yet, then no wonder it's a turn-off for you.

If you don't think you can get past his effeminate voice, then end it ASAP.  

[Wiseman2]

How would you feel if a guy strung you along thinking you were "icky"?

Don't go any further. People are not on dating sites to make friends.

It's not altruistic to pity date. It's cruel.

[Datingdisabled]

As someone who was strung alone and made to feel icky for a long time. I end up in bed, house destroyed, under the covers and depressed for nine months! I was depressed before the dump and to be honest, the day I emailed him at work, felt depressed and emailed him to feel batter which was wrong to begin with. I will say from my experience, do not string anyone along and if you don't like someone's voice, end it and do not listen to his voice again. You not liking his voice is not the end of the world! 

[Alvi]

You can go on a date with him. I mean one date is not going to hurt. See how you feel abut him after. A date is just a date. If you still feel icky about him after one date, then don't see him again. Maybe he is the one who will not like you, lol.

[Ruby Slippers]

Only you know how important this is to you. 

[TheFinalWord]

I know what you mean OP! I prefer a woman with a soft, feminine voice. It's a weakness, but I don't think it would be a deal breaker for me. But if it really bothers you, then I think you'll have to consider if you want to continue. I mean, after a while, do you even "hear" someone's voice? I don't. The actual pitch becomes sort of like white noise, if that makes sense. Once you have your deal breakers, then you have your must haves and would like to haves. If a woman has most of the "would like to haves" I'll give her a shot. Like others have said, no one is perfect.

[Chilli]

 

Let us know if you go out with him op and how it went.

[caputo77]

Oh wow thanks everyone!

Yeah the more I reflect on it, the more I realize there must be something subconscious going on that turned me off on a deeper level, because I've definitely dated guys who didn't meet all my physical "requirements" plenty of times but I usually liked them enough to not really even notice those things. So maybe it's just a gut feeling that it's not a right match for whatever reason and I'm just struggling to articulate what that reason might be.

That being said, I do usually like to give one in person date a chance as long as the FaceTime wasn't a hell no (which in spite of the voice, this one wasn't). IF he asks me out, I'll go. From there if I'm still feeling ehhh about it, I'll politely let him know there's not a connection. Hopefully that seems fair and not like stringing him along, I know how much that sucks and certainly don't want to do that.

He's not back for a week so time may kill it anyway. But will certainly provide an update if anything interesting happens!

As always, thanks for the advice!

[Veronica73]

I don’t see how going on one date could be considered “stringing him along”. But I wouldn’t spend an inordinate amount of time doing the online thing texting and messaging and all that crap. (I’m old though-so maybe disregard. I don’t see the point of all this messaging and online crap. Just meet up and see how it is.)