Calmandfocused Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 I’d be really interested in others opinions about this please. I’ve been seeing this guy for 10 day’s- yes you read that correctly. Ive seen him 3 times and last night was the fourth time. The evening ended with me telling him I don’t want to see him anymore and I drove him home. He’ saying I’m being really unreasonable and have over reacted. I think I’ve done the right thing completely but I’m interested to see what you guys think?: So basically this is about alcohol. Booze! I know he’s a drinker. He absolutely reeks of it! I made it very clear from date one that if he chooses to drink that’s up to him, but I can chose not to and I can choose not to accept it. He thinks it’s not “all about the drink”. But I think it is! .... Last night he was supposed to take me on a date. However, he wanted to go to the pub yesterday late afternoon and wanted me to go with him which I (reluctantly) agreed. Next thing I know his mate arrives at the pub and the beer starts flowing. I then go home whilst they “talk business” , the plan being that my date will then meet up with me in “half a hour” and we’ll have date night that evening. Nope! Didn’t happen! 3 hours later he and his mate turn up at my house drunk out of their minds. It was embarrassing: they were falling about in the road and I was very aware of my neighbours - I was cringing with embarrassment. Anyway, I was very upset and very annoyed. I straight up told my date that I found such behaviour unacceptable and that I won’t be seeing him again. As soon as his friend left, I drove my date home. Ive since had countless (drunk) texts and calls telling me how wrong and misinformed I am. That’s it’s all my fault, he did nothing wrong and I’m a “head f**k”. So my question is: what do you think? Am I wrong? Just to put this into context but I don’t want to sound snobby because I’m not. I’m 41, I’ve got a respectable job, I live in a respectable community and I’ve got 2 children who I’m very protective of. I don’t want this sort of behaviour in my house and especially not anywhere near my children. Im also “grown up” and way past the stage of getting hopelessly drunk at weekends. In fact I barely drink at all. I’m also very disgruntled that he was supposed to spend the evening with me, yet he manipulated the situation so he could get me out the way so he could get blinding drunk with his mate. Any thoughts appreciated. Thank you
ExpatInItaly Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 (edited) Only 10 days and you have already noticed he's a heavy, messy drinker - no, you did not make a mistake. I would be completely turned off. Ignore his drunken ranting. It would be a done deal for me. Edited September 20, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 4
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 If you can smell booze on him even when he's not drinking, honey, he is an alcoholic. 6
schlumpy Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 Don't give in on this one. This is a decision you will not regret. It may in the long run help him as it seems he is not used to facing the consequences of his decisions. Hold tight. 1
Versacehottie Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 not unreasonable in the least. I think you should stick with your decision. good luck
Datingdisabled Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Only 10 days and you have already noticed he's a heavy, messy drinker - no, you did not make a mistake. I would be completely turned off. Ignore his drunken ranting. It would be a done deal for me. I'd say both parties need to leave each others orbits ..
FMW Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 Of course you're not being unreasonable. You told him right up front how you felt. Plus it was rude for him to interrupt your date to drink with a friend. And even if it wasn't "all about the drink", it doesn't matter. You've dated for 10 days. You are free to end it without having an in-depth discussion. His countless texts and calls are just embarrassing (for him) and a huge turnoff. 1
poppyfields Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Ive since had countless (drunk) texts and calls telling me how wrong and misinformed I am. That’s it’s all my fault, he did nothing wrong and I’m a “head f**k”. So my question is: what do you think? Am I wrong? Of course you're not wrong! And I'm wondering why you're questioning if you are. I realize it must be unsettling being called a "head f*ck" but he's a drunk, so I wouldn't give it or him a second thought. I would suggest blocking him so he has no access to you. You dodged a huge bullet there girl, good job! Edited September 20, 2020 by poppyfields
poppyfields Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, poppyfields said: xo Double post. Edited September 20, 2020 by poppyfields
d0nnivain Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 You are not being unreasonable at all. You see the red flags & you wise choose to heed them. Good for you. He'll be fine. Eventually he will meet somebody who likes to drink as much as he does.
smackie9 Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 I truly don't know why you would even have to question your decision? or even ask! The guy is an alcoholic....yuk! Of course you did the right thing. You have standards....I think you gave him more of your time than what he deserved. Deal breaker for sure. Lose his number...block/delete. 3
kendahke Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 10 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: ve since had countless (drunk) texts and calls telling me how wrong and misinformed I am. That’s it’s all my fault, he did nothing wrong and I’m a “head f**k”. So my question is: what do you think? Am I wrong? He would have been on block the minute he called you that. "So why do you want so badly to be with a head f**k, then?" See how stupid his addled brain makes him? You are so in the right on this one. No. He's an alcoholic and is looking for an enabler. Do not doubt yourself on this. The next time he shows up on your doorstep, call the police. 1
Watercolors Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 Eeek! He is a raging alcoholic and to invite his mate to the pub to drink w/him while he's supposed to be on a date with you? This guy doesn't need a girlfriend. He needs an AA sponsor. Jesus Christ. Showing up at your house pissed drunk, then you have to drive him home (well, you were nice to do that -- I would have slammed the door on his face and called Uber to come get him). For 4 dates in 10 days, he's shown you who he really is: someone with a major drinking problem who can't prioritize anyone but the 'drink'. Stay away from this guy. Do NOT give in to his whiney texts, his justifications, his excuses. Those of us who've been in r/s with alkies can tell you that it will not get better; it will get far, far worse. Throw this fish back in the drunk tank. 2
Watercolors Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 11 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Just to put this into context but I don’t want to sound snobby because I’m not. I’m 41, I’ve got a respectable job, I live in a respectable community and I’ve got 2 children who I’m very protective of. I don’t want this sort of behaviour in my house and especially not anywhere near my children. Im also “grown up” and way past the stage of getting hopelessly drunk at weekends. In fact I barely drink at all. Next time you meet up with an OLD date, make sure you emphasize immediately that you are not interested in 'pub dates' and try to place the focus on activities that DO interest you. You will be able to get a sense right away if the man's priorities are meeting his mates at the pub, even if he drags you to the pub under false pretenses like this doofus did. You don't want to repeat history. So, don't put yourself in a situation again where drinking as a social past time is at the top of the man's priority list. I know the UK, Eire, etc.'s social life is centered around the pubs, but not everyone likes that atmosphere. So try to connect with single men who'd be open to do non-drinking activities w/you on dates. Avoid the pub-goers.
Wiseman2 Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 11 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: I know he’s a drinker. He thinks it’s not “all about the drink”. Google Al-Anon. Why bother with someone you know 10 DAYS? Never bother to to fix, change, hope, enable, argue, etc. His primary relationship is with alcohol, everyone else is a tool, a pawn. Get out now. be frank with your friends, family and some support groups for people involved with problem drinkers. Of course the first symptom of alcoholism is...denial. 1 1
Author Calmandfocused Posted September 20, 2020 Author Posted September 20, 2020 Thanks everyone for your replies. I know in my heart that you’re all right. That he is an alcoholic. It’s the classic: Swears up and that he’s not alcohol dependant but makes every excuse to justify “having a drink”. I’ve told him I know the truth but he keeps telling me I’m wrong. He thinks I’ve finished with him for “no reason”. But I can’t reason with someone whose in denial (and drunk). A shame. He’s a really nice guy when sober and he’s very attractive. However, when he’s drunk he’s very unattractive. And immature. And irresponsible. And very smelly I also forgot to mention that he smokes (I don’t). He told me initially that he has an “occasional cigarette” . Er no! The reality is that he smokes like a chimney. The web of lies I’m being fed during my dating experiences of late is really getting me down. Is anyone truthful anymore? We all have our negatives, out struggles and our imperfections but why not just be honest about it? Very frustrating! The rubbish I’m experiencing lately is really putting me off dating.
Acacia98 Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 14 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Any thoughts appreciated. Thank you I'm not sure why you have so much self doubt. It's obvious that he has a drinking problem and behaved completely inappropriately. Please just block him everywhere. There's nothing snobby about having common sense and using it. But if we lived in a world where that made you a snob, I'd say embrace your snobbery.
Acacia98 Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 30 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: The web of lies I’m being fed during my dating experiences of late is really getting me down. Is anyone truthful anymore? We all have our negatives, out struggles and our imperfections but why not just be honest about it? Very frustrating! The rubbish I’m experiencing lately is really putting me off dating. Perhaps the problem is that you're too tolerant of these people? You should stop seeing them as soon as the red flags appear. If you go out of your way to understand or accommodate them, the effort will leave you feeling drained and discouraged. Disengage from and block the highly unsuitable men and save your energy for the ones that are actually promising.
MsJayne Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 I'm guessing you live in Australia, because this is fairly standard behaviour for a lot of Australian males. Drink too much, full of themselves, ill-mannered, and with the social skills of an untrained monkey. Stick to your standards and leave these guys for the unfortunate Asian ladies who so often get saddled with these Aussie dregs. If you're using OLD you're bound to experience a few lowlives, we all do, but keep at it. I met a lovely guy nearly a year ago and so did a friend of mine, but we both met numerous toads before a prince turned up.
basil67 Posted September 21, 2020 Posted September 21, 2020 I'm Aussie and don't know any Aussie men who are this bad. Binge drinking of young people on weekends isn't uncommon, and letting loose at a party too. But chronic drunkenness isn't usual Aussie behaviour. @Calmandfocused if feel the need to give the alcohol talk on the first date, don't waste your breath. Just end it. And I hope you've blocked this guy. 1
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