Author LaceyMcAntire Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 Thanks, everyone. I do sometimes feel like I need that extra push, like, hey woman, it's nothing more than friends, why can we see it but you cant, but it's like this, he literally told me he keeps me at arms length because he falls too hard if he lets his guard down, that he doesnt want to lose me as a friend, hes going to try harder at his communication so he doesnt lose me in that aspect, so I guess the "hope" from what some of you say is the killer. I need to realize there is no hope, but now, it's like, I feel embarrassed for hanging on so long to something he doesn't want.. I don't get it. He knows how I feel, and I wish he'd just say, listen, go away, Im not actually going to try harder. I feel like he sometimes says excuses to spare my feelings, yet, he knows Id rather have it straight. Make sense? but it is what it is and I guess time to buck up, get a reality check and forget it. It's hard to be friends with someone whom you fell in love with .
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted September 23, 2020 Author Posted September 23, 2020 I go from wanting and most times getting contact everyday to possibly whenever he feels like calling me.. I guess I don't know how to break the habit of everyday contact. I don't doubt he will initiate conversation with me, I mean, he does, just not as an everyday thing like I want, so I need a way to release the mindset of needing/wanting the habit of talking everyday because friends, even great ones, don't have to talk everyday. I feel like I need that contact as a form of validation of at LEAST a friendship and I don't know how to break this cycle.
BaileyB Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) I don’t think you can ever be friends with this guy because you clearly want more from him... The only way to break the cycle is to go no contact. Honestly, life is too short to waste your time like this on one sided relationships. You will look back on this someday and think - why did I put up with this for so long? Live your life - I know, it’s hard with covid but try to meet new people, develop new hobbies, read a book... Develop the self respect to say - if YOU want to be in MY life, then you need to show up!! Edited September 23, 2020 by BaileyB 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 33 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said: I need to realize there is no hope, but now, it's like, I feel embarrassed for hanging on so long to something he doesn't want.. I don't get it. He knows how I feel, and I wish he'd just say, listen, go away, Im not actually going to try harder. I feel like he sometimes says excuses to spare my feelings, yet, he knows Id rather have it straight. Make sense? but it is what it is and I guess time to buck up, get a reality check and forget it. It's hard to be friends with someone whom you fell in love with . The problem with people like this? They are totally fine with the current arrangement so he's not going to tell you to bugger off - casual contact here and there, sex sometimes, attention when they want it. Minimal effort required on his part. Works great for him. You're a convenient option for him so it's not necessarily that he wants you to go away completely while he's still single. You stick around despite not really being happy with this, so why would he change it? He doesn't want you to get closer, but he's fine to keep up this random, not-quite FWB thing you have going on. Only you can change this. And it won't involve being friends. That will hurt you too much, especially when the day comes that he meets a woman he wants to date and stops responding to you. You're going to have to cut him off altogether. 1
Watercolors Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) 29 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said: I go from wanting and most times getting contact everyday to possibly whenever he feels like calling me.. I guess I don't know how to break the habit of everyday contact. I don't doubt he will initiate conversation with me, I mean, he does, just not as an everyday thing like I want, so I need a way to release the mindset of needing/wanting the habit of talking everyday because friends, even great ones, don't have to talk everyday. I feel like I need that contact as a form of validation of at LEAST a friendship and I don't know how to break this cycle. You really need to leave this poor fellow alone, Lacey. You are obsessing about him and that’s not a normal behavior. You’re mad that he won’t *be* the boyfriend you fantasize that he could be for you, b/c he is not interested in you that way. When a guy tells you “I’m not interested,” you hear what you want to hear, which is, “I’ll make him interested in me, he’s not telling me the truth.” You certainly do know how to stop being aggressive with men, especially this coworker. It’s just that you have a very aggressive personality and are used to people doing what you tell them, because you don’t respect people when they put up boundaries with you, the way your male coworker has. You don’t respect him, so you are going to force him to change so that he will be what you want him to be. You cannot force people to act the way you want them to act. The only person you have control over: is yourself. You work in law enforcement, so you are well aware of how to set social boundaries and how to respect those boundaries. Yet, when you are crushing on a guy, all of that common sense flies out the window. And you get mad and try to manipulate the guy who has no interest, into doing what you want anyway. Please leave him alone. He has already rejected your advances. Just accept the parameters that he’s comfortable giving you, which is: occasional friendly banter when your paths cross. Leave the guy alone, ok? Edited September 23, 2020 by Watercolors 1
BaileyB Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 (edited) 45 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: They are totally fine with the current arrangement so he's not going to tell you to bugger off - casual contact here and there, sex sometimes, attention when they want it. Minimal effort required on his part. Works great for him. You're a convenient option for him ... not so much for you. Lacey, why would he treat you with respect if you don’t respect yourself. I mean, that’s like saying about an abusive marriage - I just wish he would finally say, go away, I’m not ever going to stop calling you names or hitting you. At a certain point, the woman needs to make a decision, have some self respect, gather her courage, and walk away... He will use you if you allow it. No skin off his back, he’s getting his needs met or he wouldn’t be doing this. Your needs are not being met - which means, YOU need to make another decision. And like the woman who is being abused, making the decision to change is on YOU - not him. He’s already, by his actions, told you what you can expect from him. He’s not going to try harder, he’s had the opportunity to do so and he’s chosen not to be what you want him to be. Whether you accept that or not, is entirely YOUR decision. Edited September 23, 2020 by BaileyB
stillafool Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 You are just hurting yourself by trying to hold onto some fake friendship when you are dying for more. I call bullshyt on the "keep at arms length because I fall too hard" comment. He's a man and needs and loves sex so who is he keeping close to his chest for that act. Unrequited love is one of the most painful things. As long as you keep hoping for him to be what he isn't you're missing opportunities with someone who wants you the way you would want them. You have to let him go. 1
Sunnyzwei1989 Posted September 23, 2020 Posted September 23, 2020 Some people are fine with being the one to initiate all the time. I dated a guy who preferred to initiate our dates. I was fine with it as I’m not good at initiating. However YOU aren’t happy with it so it’s a problem and unfortunately I doubt he will change unless he’s completely smitten with you. So I just don’t think he likes you like that to push him to initiate.
Velvet teddy Posted September 24, 2020 Posted September 24, 2020 19 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said: Thanks, everyone. I do sometimes feel like I need that extra push, like, hey woman, it's nothing more than friends, why can we see it but you cant, but it's like this, he literally told me he keeps me at arms length because he falls too hard if he lets his guard down, that he doesnt want to lose me as a friend, hes going to try harder at his communication so he doesnt lose me in that aspect, so I guess the "hope" from what some of you say is the killer. I need to realize there is no hope, but now, it's like, I feel embarrassed for hanging on so long to something he doesn't want.. I don't get it. He knows how I feel, and I wish he'd just say, listen, go away, Im not actually going to try harder. I feel like he sometimes says excuses to spare my feelings, yet, he knows Id rather have it straight. Make sense? but it is what it is and I guess time to buck up, get a reality check and forget it. It's hard to be friends with someone whom you fell in love with . Hes bull******* you. At some point he will drop his so called arms length guard for someone he truly wants. A stand up guy would have told you he can't give you what you want..and then let you go. You need to let this situation go and re gain your self respect.
Melrose78 Posted September 28, 2020 Posted September 28, 2020 On 9/24/2020 at 2:28 AM, LaceyMcAntire said: I go from wanting and most times getting contact everyday to possibly whenever he feels like calling me.. I guess I don't know how to break the habit of everyday contact. I don't doubt he will initiate conversation with me, I mean, he does, just not as an everyday thing like I want, so I need a way to release the mindset of needing/wanting the habit of talking everyday because friends, even great ones, don't have to talk everyday. I feel like I need that contact as a form of validation of at LEAST a friendship and I don't know how to break this cycle. Sounds like there's codependency going on here. This situation will never change. You will constantly go in circles, hurting yourself. Walk away from this friendship. I know this will hurt you but in the long run it's the best thing for you.
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted September 30, 2020 Author Posted September 30, 2020 On 9/28/2020 at 5:52 PM, Melrose78 said: Sounds like there's codependency going on here. This situation will never change. You will constantly go in circles, hurting yourself. Walk away from this friendship. I know this will hurt you but in the long run it's the best thing for you. Thanks, I think you are right. Unfortunately, I tried walking away again and it backfired, saying I will try much harder to be a better friend, so wtf is that? I told him all he is doing is creating false hope, breadcrumbing me and essentially being a bad friend. and I get "It all makes sense, I will try much harder to match what you put into this".. I replied: We'll see, you always say that but you never actually do it". Im honstly getting over it I just want to understand the dynamics, I want to know why he wants to tell me that even when Im completely walking away, like, no ultimatums or anything, so why won't he just let me go? Why wouldnt he just say, ok, I understand, we had a good run, or something yknow? It makes no sense.
elaine567 Posted September 30, 2020 Posted September 30, 2020 4 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said: why won't he just let me go? Because it suits him to have you on a string. He is not the one with the problem.
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted September 30, 2020 Author Posted September 30, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Because it suits him to have you on a string. He is not the one with the problem. You are absolutely right, which is why I decided to tell him it was time we stop what we're doing, move on completely and if our paths cross in the future, so be it, but right now, he is not what I want and need especially in a a so called "solid friend" So I am trying to work on myself and try to get out of this habit and move on. Its just extremely hard to figure out how to do. People say, focus on other things, but that constant anxiety is always underlying Edited September 30, 2020 by LaceyMcAntire
ExpatInItaly Posted September 30, 2020 Posted September 30, 2020 5 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said: You are absolutely right, which is why I decided to tell him it was time we stop what we're doing, move on completely Be sure you stick to it this time, Lacey. Otherwise, you're going to wind up very hurt when he one day fades on you because he's met someone else.
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