LaceyMcAntire Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 If you've read my previous posts, I have seemed to have this same reoccuring issue with someone special to me. Our communication styles seem to be opposite. He doesnt seem to initiate, when we talk he's always the first to get off the phone, but we are close friends.. it's a complicated situation.. anyway, my biggest issue is like alot of women, I hate that I am always the one to initiate a conversation. So I decided that I was kind of fed up with it, considering he says he's going to try harder, than never does, and just decided to kind of give up. I am not trying to play mind games, I just legitimately said, Im done, if he can't respect me enough to just understand where I am coming from, then maybe that should be my sign. So, I havent called him now for about 5 days, he has called me 4 out of those 5 days, yesterday, I ended the conversation early, he literally called me right back, saying he thought of a question (work related) and then like asked the same thing several ways.. lol which is odd for him, he seemed to trip on himself alot, so I feel he was feeling me out to see if I was upset, which Im not, again, Im just done putting effort into something Im not getting in return. I havent heard from him today, but I thought I would ask you all, since you seem to be amazing advice givers Am I being terrible by just like, giving up the effort? I just drive myself insane with this.. DOes it really take not calling this man for a few days (when hes said in the past, he knows If he wants to talk to me, that I will eventally call him) to realize he needs to step up? Should I start initiating again? I am super nice, caring, when we talk, so im not being a bitch, I just have this hard time with making him upset.. Im just trying to better myself. I want to call him so bad but I feel better when I don't, but Im afraid of how I will feel when he decides not to call me anymore because I stopped putting keeping our friendship alive.. any advice?
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted September 17, 2020 Author Posted September 17, 2020 So I decided that I was kind of fed up with it, considering he says he's going to try harder, than never does, and just decided to kind of give up. I am not trying to play mind games, I just legitimately said, Im done, I didnt actually say this to him, I said it to myself, for clarification., I havent actually said anything.. I just kinda quit initiating, but still being friendly and nice when he does call.
Dork Vader Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 1 hour ago, LaceyMcAntire said: No There are probably one of two things going on. He is either not that into you, if he was I'd imagine slightly more effort. The other possibility is that he just does not communicate through the phone much and is satisfied with the amount of communication that does happen. I think it's more than likely he's not that into you. Either way, is this really worth it? He is clearly not meeting your needs. Perhaps it's best to just find someone who can meet those needs naturally instead of attempt to force it? It's one thing to be dating someone and let them know you need more consistent communication. They then step up to the plate or some type of compromise is found. But it's entirely different for you to tell them that and they continue to fail to meet those needs. Look at what this is doing to you, is it really healthy? Relationships are supposed to be easy, they are supposed to make you feel good.. Not give you anxiety. 3
OnlyHonesty Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 This is usually the behavior from an emotionally unavailable person. What you will find is when you pull back, they come forward, and when you come forward, they will pull back. Unfortunately you are very likely to be wasting your time. The reason why you feel better when you don't contact him (even though you want to), is because the energy balance is one sided. In other words, your energy is being drained and is given to him. The only way to deal with this is to stop indefinitely because it is unlikely to ever change for the long term. 4
Ami1uwant Posted September 18, 2020 Posted September 18, 2020 5 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said: So I decided that I was kind of fed up with it, considering he says he's going to try harder, than never does, and just decided to kind of give up. I am not trying to play mind games, I just legitimately said, Im done, I didnt actually say this to him, I said it to myself, for clarification., I havent actually said anything.. I just kinda quit initiating, but still being friendly and nice when he does call. Another factor here...you work together? What is employer policy in dating? Do you teo work closely together? Are you near the same level kris he senior person and you are jr person? this can also b affecting this.
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted September 18, 2020 Author Posted September 18, 2020 No, we work for our County law enforcement, but I work on the attorney side, so he's not over me or I not him at all.
d0nnivain Posted September 18, 2020 Posted September 18, 2020 9 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said: No, we work for our County law enforcement, but I work on the attorney side, so he's not over me or I not him at all. You live in a verbal world of assertive attorneys. Assuming he's on the enforcement side, words aren't his thing. He may be a bit intimidated by your degree or at least association with the lawyers. His blue collar vs your pink (professional) collar. The best thing you can do is let him come to you. He needs to feel like the man. You chasing him & initiating emasculates him. 2
ShyViolet Posted September 18, 2020 Posted September 18, 2020 It's a little unclear what your relationship is with him. Are you dating, or just friends? 1
poppyfields Posted September 18, 2020 Posted September 18, 2020 (edited) 19 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said: Im done, I didnt actually say this to him, I said it to myself, for clarification., I havent actually said anything.. I just kinda quit initiating, but still being friendly and nice when he does call. You must have said something, otherwise why would he respond he will try harder? What was it you said that prompted that response? You said in your initial post you are "close friends" and that it's "complicated." How so, can you provide more context? Are you actually dating? Do you want to date him? I'm confused about your dynamic, so if you would provide more context, it would be helpful. Re initiating, you wrote that you hate always being the one to initiate. Answer: Then stop always being the one to initiate! No need to be bitter or frustrated about it, just do your own thing. Trust that when he feels inspired to talk to you, he will reach out. And "inspired" is the correct word; from what I understand about men, they need to feel inspired to pursue you. If you're doing all the initiating and complaining to him he's not (as him telling you he will try harder suggests), there is nothing inspiring him. My advice is to say nothing, do nothing, and let him wonder about you a bit. Lower expections. Do your own thing, cultivate some new interests. His comment that he knows if he wants to talk to you, YOU will always call is not good. It is how men have become lazy and uninspired - when women do all the work to maintain the relationship or "friendship"? as in your case. You may be able to change this dynamic but you must change your attitude first. To one of unhappy and frustrated to happy and accepting. Free-spirited if you will. Allow him the opportunity to wonder about you and miss you. Not as a game, or perhaps it is in a sense - a dance. But it can be fun, it should be fun! $.02. Edited September 18, 2020 by poppyfields
kendahke Posted September 18, 2020 Posted September 18, 2020 19 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said: So I decided that I was kind of fed up with it, considering he says he's going to try harder, than never does, and just decided to kind of give up. I am not trying to play mind games, I just legitimately said, Im done, I didnt actually say this to him, I said it to myself, for clarification., I havent actually said anything.. I just kinda quit initiating, but still being friendly and nice when he does call. I see nothing wrong with your approach--it seems he's not as invested in your friendship as you are and only arses himself when you're not initiating. I have been through this in the past and I've formulated the same policy: I'm not begging anyone for their friendship. 2
smackie9 Posted September 18, 2020 Posted September 18, 2020 This is a compatibility issue. You want a guy to contact you throughout the day everyday ish, and he would rather talk on the weekend or on his day off. You can bring a horse to water but you can't force it to drink. 2
stillafool Posted September 18, 2020 Posted September 18, 2020 If you have to do the initiating all the time he's not that into you. When guys want you they can't help but chase you because they want to see you or hear your voice. If you have feelings for this guy you should stop contact because you'll just end up frustrated and hurt. 2
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 19, 2020 Posted September 19, 2020 (edited) On 9/17/2020 at 1:38 PM, OnlyHonesty said: This is usually the behavior from an emotionally unavailable person. What you will find is when you pull back, they come forward, and when you come forward, they will pull back. Unfortunately you are very likely to be wasting your time. The reason why you feel better when you don't contact him (even though you want to), is because the energy balance is one sided. In other words, your energy is being drained and is given to him. The only way to deal with this is to stop indefinitely because it is unlikely to ever change for the long term. This. It will always have to be a game. Or, if you will, being "fed up with it" (again), "pulling back" and seeing how long it will take to work this time, or whether it will work at all. People can't be trained like puppies. He hasn't learned his lesson how to do relationships now, or anything. He's reacting. This time. Some may disagree but I feel it he were actually into you he wouldn't have had to think you might be "mad" in order to finally make a phone call. He knows you're more into him than he is into you and his ego is miffed (and puzzled, for now) because how dare you be the one not to come after him? What is up??? He's curious. For a minute... Little games like this, from both men and wome, drive me crazy because people say they "work," but only halfway...like the way you're describing here. A knee-jerk reaction and "are you mad at me?" but what else? You, being confused and asking strangers what to do, fully knowing if you don't do exactly the right follow-up he'll drop you again. Get a new guy and this time: no games. Edited September 19, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 1
CLS63AMG Posted September 19, 2020 Posted September 19, 2020 Had one that did this recently, matched on bumble, she was pretty bleak in her messages but I managed to get her number and we had a great near 2 hour convo, lots of similar interests, have similar businesses, she was fun and very spunky, preferred to talk and not text. Then I asked about meeting up and she said "possibly, how are you doing" and basically faded from there. Can't win em all.
MeadowFlower Posted September 19, 2020 Posted September 19, 2020 On 9/19/2020 at 1:56 AM, kendahke said: I have been through this in the past and I've formulated the same policy: I'm not begging anyone for their friendship This. 1
MeadowFlower Posted September 19, 2020 Posted September 19, 2020 On 9/18/2020 at 6:13 AM, LaceyMcAntire said: So I decided that I was kind of fed up with it, considering he says he's going to try harder, than never does, and just decided to kind of give up. If someone has to 'try harder' to initiate communication in a friendship, I mean, what is this?! Some sort of chore to be in contact with a friend?? It should be a desire on his part to initiate with you, it should be something natural. Not something he has to force. It sucks to be more into someone than they are into you.... 1 1
mortensorchid Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 You have to ask yourself how and why you want to be with someone who doesn't initiate anything. They have time for others but not you and... why's that? They don't care that much about you but do other things. Recently I went out on an OLD with someone and we texted a few times afterwards. I initiated it all the times and he said he wasn't good at this thing. I decided if he wanted to see or have contact with me, he could put forth some kind fo effort. And he's not, so next. 1
Datingdisabled Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 @mortensorchid Because people pick up feelings when dating and need time to process the rejection. I had a professional break up coach (so she says) say to me "let go, let go, let go" and I was like this women is either ignorant or dumb because if it were that easy I would. If anyone says let go and move on to me again, I'm gonna say I'm discussing it so I can! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 You need to better recognize the signs that someone is not that into you, Lacey. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 On 7/30/2020 at 4:18 PM, LaceyMcAntire said: Hey! New to this site, but I read forums and blogs all the time over this ONE guy. We have a decent relationship, essentially, great friends, with benefits. He was away this week, but said he'd be back today.. and he would call me. SO, I am notorious for being very needy, pushy, neurotic etc.. when I don't hear from him. I always call him, so I decided to chill out, back off, and let him come to me. Anyway, I have been doing pretty good, but I need some help and support and a bit of just general insight, because it's a complicated situation to explain to anyone! If he doesn't call me after not talking to me for about a week, should I just expect he'd rather not be talking to me? I know, that it hasn't been that long today, but usually, by now, is when my calls come in from him so, maybe some support from experienced people that have dealt with men that are possibly just stringing you along? Guys do what they want, is what I have been told, so, if he misses me and wants to talk to me, he will call me... right? lol anymore suggestions on how to stop caring so much? I do want more than FWB, if that helps. and I think he feels the same, but Id rather not push him into anything, Id like to just see what others think, and whether I should continue to leave the ball in his court? I basically just feel pretty good that I haven't been so obnoxious with the calls and initiating, but I so dearly still want to hear from him. But maybe some tuff love will be helpful from someone looking in... Let me add that this push pull phone game has been kind of a thing. I am always trying to feel like I need to get my power back. So it isnt like, this ONE day, ONE time thing today is my issue.. its kind of ongoing. When I stop initiating, he eventually calls me.. but Im never sure if it's because he generally misses me. Men are so complicated I feel. So, should I call him? Should I just continue to leave the ball in his court until things seem to fizzle out? If I call him, thats when I will start feeling powerless again.. so I hate that feeling yet, I give in it's so sad. On 9/10/2020 at 8:31 PM, LaceyMcAntire said: So, my guy friend and I seem to go off and on with being fwb, and then back to friends.. usually due to him getting strong feelings, so he pulls away. Not that it's ok, but it is what it is, it's been our dynamic for a couple years now. I want more, but he is a terrible communicator, and since I know him, I try not to really push it, because my friendship with him is more important than screwing it up with being romantic. Anyway, so we had a talk the other day, we argue a bit, almost like a couple over his lack of effort/communication. Some days, he'll call me and initiate conversation, other times, he goes a couple weeks and just wont initiate conversation at all and if I call, he seems like im inconveniencing him or hes short and needs to get off the phone. Long story short, our talks usually consist of, him- I know you're better a friend to me than I am to you and im going to try harder. So, today, he calls, my receptionist grabbed the phone because I was busy and when I called him back, he said, I just wanted to say hey.. so I kind of laughed a little and said, ok, hey.. and he's like, well, I guess that's all I got, so I said, alright, well I hope you have a great day! and we hung up.. I get frustrated, because Im not sure if this is a guy thing that he legitimately cares and is just his awkward way of getting to talk to me or if he's humoring me.. so what do you guys think, in my short version? What's the point of even calling just to say what he did and not want to have a conversation? Was I good to say, ok have a great day? I mean, I am tired of the initiating, so I feel a bit more "powerful" in our dynamic right now, and no, I don't play mind games, but sometimes his lack of effort makes me feel desperate, needy, etc when I am always the one putting forth effort. In light of these previous threads...this isn't going to become a relationship, girl. 1
elaine567 Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 7 hours ago, Datingdisabled said: @mortensorchid Because people pick up feelings when dating and need time to process the rejection. I had a professional break up coach (so she says) say to me "let go, let go, let go" and I was like this women is either ignorant or dumb because if it were that easy I would. If anyone says let go and move on to me again, I'm gonna say I'm discussing it so I can! Ok but discussing it over and over is just procrastinating, putting off the inevitable realisation that it is really over. Keeping it alive with "what ifs, buts and maybes" when it just needs to be put to rest. It is dead, no need to try to keep resuscitating it. When people reject you, you have to accept it as the truth and fact, else "hope" will keep sending you down a dark path of upset, hurt and and disappointment. 2 1
poppyfields Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 (edited) 12 hours ago, Datingdisabled said: @mortensorchid Because people pick up feelings when dating and need time to process the rejection. I had a professional break up coach (so she says) say to me "let go, let go, let go" and I was like this women is either ignorant or dumb because if it were that easy I would. If anyone says let go and move on to me again, I'm gonna say I'm discussing it so I can! That's a good point! That advice is given often - let go, detach, move on! Yeah, if it were that easy, I'd have done it already! The question is - how do I let go? What steps should I take so I can let go? Sometimes just knowing it's time to let go and move on is all it takes, but it's still never easy. It takes time and sometimes we need to talk about it, to process. I'm with ya on that DD. Edited September 20, 2020 by poppyfields
FMW Posted September 20, 2020 Posted September 20, 2020 There's a line that we need to make sure and watch. Yes, we need to talk through things but the problem is that some people get stuck in that phase and don't take the hard step of actually letting go. I got stuck in that phase once and a friend told me she didn't want to hear about it anymore. Really hurt my feelings at the time but it was a jolt to my senses that helped me to snap out of it. Asking why someone would want to be with someone like that is one of those jolts that can hurt our feelings, but might just help us to stop swimming around in the angst and feeling helpless. Moving on gives you back your power. 3
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