Mikerocks81 Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 I really just need to vent and I figured this is as good a place as any. So about a year ago a girl that I used to work with asked me out, it never really went anywhere and eventually she told me she just wanted to be friends. Didn't really see her at all for a few months but then we started hanging out a lot over the summer, not dating or anything physical going on but she was texting me or calling me a lot and often inviting me to hang out with her and her friends. Seemed like we were getting a bit closer for awhile. I just followed her lead and didn't really try and push anything but I began to have feelings for her and started thinking that maybe there could be more than friendship. So a few days ago she sends me a message inviting me to her birthday this weekend and also threw in there that she's seeing someone now and he'll be there. This has been making me feel really depressed the past few days. I just feel like garbage and can't get it off my mind and I'm really anxious about this weekend. I know seeing her with someone else is probably going to bother me a lot. I know I should probably not hang around her for awhile but I became pretty good friends with her group of friends over the past few months. I was not handling this whole pandemic situation well and was in a pretty bad place mentally (as a lot of have been I'm sure) and hanging out with them really helped me a lot. I really don't want to lose this group of friends. I'm also starting a new job on Monday, and I'm in this awful state of mind. I would appreciate any advice or input anyone has. I'm almost 40.. I'm way too old for this kind of s***.
ajequals Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 I'd go and hang out with the group then anyone interest you in the group?
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 Don't go to that party. You'll have to watch them together and happy and you'll feel a jillion times worse. 5
Erik30 Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Mikerocks81 said: So a few days ago she sends me a message inviting me to her birthday this weekend and also threw in there that she's seeing someone now and he'll be there. Yeah this is what usually happens when you agree to be "just friends," the person you like will eventually meet someone... and you can't be mad because you're her friend. Going to her party and seeing them together probably will suck, but maybe it might help you to get over it... so you'll finally realize it will never happen. But I totally get it if you want to skip it, just keep hanging out with the group and limit your contact with her. No more texting and calling all day like you're her bff Edited September 17, 2020 by Erik30 3
salparadise Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 You need to make a quick, clean and complete break from her and accept this as one that simply did not work out. I had a similar thing happen not too long ago, but I didn't wait around for her to start hooking up with someone else. When I got the "just friends" notification I took it as my cue to exit... because a) it was bound to be hurtful and frustrating day to day, even if I enjoyed her company, b) she would eventually find someone, which would be extremely painful, c) I wasn't going to get my needs met regardless, so detaching was necessary for my own wellbeing, and to enable the possibility of meeting someone else. If you've caught feelings and they respond with just friends, consider it over at that point and move on. Anything else is phukking humiliating. If you were to go to that party and see them together, think about how bad you're going to feel... and pitiful you're going to look to the others in the group. Don't do it! If you have someone else in the group to be the main point of contact you might salvage something. But what's more likely is that she and he new boyfriend will be the new darings of the group and you'll be the odd one out. They were her friends first. Yea, it sucks but you'll be better off to accept it than to try and negotiate around it. 3
Mystery4u Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 You've made a catalogue of errors along the way, but that's in the past now. Do not go to her birthday, and do not 'hang out' with her again. You need to cut her out of your life. In future, never agree to be friends with a woman you want more with. Also if you do meet with them, do NOT just 'follow their lead' and 'not really push anything'. You need to do the exact opposite. You are the man. Lead. Make your interest clear. If the interest is not returned or you get told 'lets be friends' that's your cue to leave her alone for good and move on to the next one. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 Do not go to the party. Chances are she doesn't really want you to come anyway, but hoped you'd make the choice for yourself when you learned her new guy will be there. She may have sent the invitation to you because you now share mutual friends and she might have thought it was the "right" thing to do, but I doubt she would feel totally at ease with you in attendance with her new boyfriend, anyway. Time to cut off the friendship, and work on forming new ones that don't involve any connections with her. You don't necessarily have to drop the mutual friends, but I would limit socializing with them when you know she will be around.
schlumpy Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 I guess your instincts to hold back were on target. Too bad your feelings did an end run around your rational mind. I wouldn't go. I'm not into emotional torture. Look up some good movies about unrequited love and console yourself on the couch that night cuddling a fresh popped bag of microwave extra butter popcorn.
JRabbit Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 33 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Bring a date..... Thats what I was going to say too! LOL a really hot one. 2
mark clemson Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 14 hours ago, Mikerocks81 said: I'm almost 40.. I'm way too old for this kind of s***. Indeed you are. I know "the heart wants what it wants" and all that, but in all honesty you just set yourself up for this by being an orbiter. That's what you did and she played right along. Just because we're adults doesn't mean our limbic system stops functioning, so this was always possible. Since there's really nothing there except your pining and her friendzoning, consider getting this out of your system as soon as reasonably possible. Then go date some other women and be sure to actually initiate when you like them, not just orbit. The alternative would be to hang around as her Plan B (IF you're that), pining and waiting in the hope that it doesn't work out with Plan A. You might be waiting a long time. It's no way for a single adult male to be spending his time unless he has few other options. Hopefully that's not you. Sorry if this came across as a bit harsh, but indeed 40 is too old. 1
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