What usually happens after dating for a year?

[Mrin]

2 minutes ago, Divorcedmama said:

Thank you for this. This is exactly the issue, except substitute crazy plant/dog lady for cat lady. I'm happy with my life (given the rest of my circumstances), I have lots of time with my son, I have my time with my bf, I have my work (except I wish I made more money), I volunteer, I have my house and my plants... it feels off to think that this is OK. When everyone else thinks my relationship with him is not OK. I've never met anyone so kind and easy going like him before, he's opened my mind to many things. I have zero doubts in my mind that he will get divorced and it will be soon but is dependent on her getting a job. I dated when I was separated/going through my divorce. I didn't give it a second thought, although I was living separately. I grew up on the East Coast and was always very competitive and it is hard to just let things be, no goal, enjoy things. I get so wrapped up in my mind that if he doesn't want marriage then something is wrong and he's really not as kind as I think, and then I spiral into the gloom and doom. I know I need to work on myself. I know I need to build up my life and interests and outside relationships. I enjoyed your comments.

Oh good! Whew! I was kinda worried. 

Yeah I think it's perfectly okay to be enjoying your life with him right now. Virtual high five sister!

[Mystery4u]

2 hours ago, Divorcedmama said:

No, they were planning on one living upstairs and one in the basement to minimize disruption to their kid's lives. She knows he has a girlfriend. Living together hasn't worked out but she was fired over a year ago (on the day of our first date) and they are waiting for her to find a job to be able to split finances. They used to make around the same amount. Now he is looking at houses (but not with me)...

That's an excuse and a very bad one, which makes no sense. When he does finally move out, won't it be 'disruptive' to the kids then anyway? So why wait?

Oh she lost her job..a year ago.. and until now.. has found nowhere? Yea right... It doesn't take 1 year to find a job. She is purposely delaying finding one so her husband can stay in the house and carry on providing.

And he is looking to buy a house.. instead of it being with you, his girlfriend, his future, but without you.. so he can nicely keep you at a distance...

Surely you can see how he is just wasting your time? It's so clear.

[ajequals]

I guess you could come straight out and ask him. but don't be surprised if he want's to wait a while as a divorce just occurred. Most men these days are being advised by those online to think twice after a divorce   . I have also seen todays young men see being pressured to marry as a red flag. It's a tough world out there for single moms. It's all about character those with it are sought those without are not

[Chilli]

14 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

Why is he still living with his wife?

That's not right. When the relationship was over, he should have moved out asap. There's no reason whatsoever to stay living with her, kids or no kids.

I'm surprised you have been fine with it for so long. No wonder he doesn't want to move the relationship forward, he's got an easy life, why would he make any effort or sacrifices to change it?

 

 

Nah , some couples do do it for awhile not only for the kids but it has all kinds of other advantages too , often financially alone apart from the kids makes it worthwhile if you can hack it.  We even considered building a second house on our place , one each, so that we'd all still be at least on the one property for my daughter , and no one would have to move and start over ,would've been great financially too. And no we weren't still sleeping together.  But anyway in the end we decided one would move out instead but that took 16mths.  Just sayin.

 

Edited September 17, 2020 by Chilli

[d0nnivain]

IMO your life is on hold with him until he divorces.  Right now he's not available to do anything.  I would think you two need to be dating for 1 year+ after he's divorced before you talk about marriage or living together, not before.  Once those papers are signed for all you know he may decide that since he's free he needs to sow some middle aged wild oats.  

At this point I see him caring way more about his alleged stbxw then you.  If he's staying because she lost her job, she doesn't have an incentive to get a new job.  Why should she when he's paying the bills?  

You are right to ask Qs but you aren't asking all the Qs you need answers to.  I'm not usually one for ultimatums but in this case if he isn't out of that marital home by Halloween you need to move on.  In many jurisdictions the two spouses have to live separate & apart for 1 year before you can even file for divorce, so more waiting.  Do check local laws on that but still if marriage is your goal here, this guy is moving at snail's pace.  

[Watercolors]

12 hours ago, Mrin said:

and it is hard to just let things be, no goal, enjoy things. I get so wrapped up in my mind that if he doesn't want marriage then something is wrong and he's really not as kind as I think, and then I spiral into the gloom and doom. I know I need to work on myself. I know I need to build up my life and interests and outside relationships.

Yes it is hard to 'just be' without piling on more goals to accomplish. But, I don't see how you have any other choice here. Are you religious? Do you attend church? Meditate? Do you have a social group of women you can lean on for support? 

You cannot control other people's lives. You know that, right? Yet, here you have admitted that you have it set in your mind that if your married boyfriend doesn't divorce his wife and move out of the family home on your expected timeline, so that he can marry you, well, then your life is over as you know it. 

His wife is unemployed. They have children together. He may want to divorce his wife, but he's clearly shown you that his priorities are keeping his soon to be ex-wife and children with a roof over their head until his wife finds unemployment again and either keeps their house or sells it to scale down, so that she can afford to support herself and their children as a single, newly divorced parent too. At this point, you are just an option to your married b/f. You are not his priority. And that is something I imagine that you are really struggling with, b/c you want to be his priority. 

I would suggest that you shift your priorities from being married to your married b/f once he moves out of his family home (since that is your goal), to just learning to enjoy being single and dating a married guy who is in the process of divorce. My first thought was, you are his rebound that he will dump as soon as he's found his own place after his wife gets a job, and that he will either dump you, or refuse to commit long-term to you because he is far from healed from his divorce and needs his mental and physical space from his previous married life, and wants to be a single bachelor dating again. 

I think right now you've put your entire life on hold for this man, pending an outcome that you want with him, that is not close to being guaranteed to happen. That in itself is a huge red flag. Never put your life on hold for another person. By doing that, you are teaching that person that your needs and wants are secondary to his. Is that the relationship pattern that you want to have with him? Where your second fiddle all the time? 




 

[smackie9]

You don't want to be alone? Then choose more wisely. Don't let your desire to be with someone settle with a guy that has that kind of baggage...and man he's too old for you. In 9 years he's prob gonna have health issues, etc. You are young still... plenty of time to meet the right one.

[Happy Lemming]

Technically, the husband & wife could be legally separated for years and not file for divorce.

I dated one woman that had been legally separated from her husband for over 20 years and neither of them filed, so they were still technically married.  This was great for me, as I knew she couldn't pressure me to get married. 

I have no idea why neither one of them filed and finished the process.

[FMW]

For reasons others have hit upon, I don't think you should be holding onto this situation with any expectation that it will change.

You can't control what he does, only what you do.  Given the circumstances it's not reasonable to expect anything is going to change any time soon.  If you aren't ok with that, then you need to start detaching from him and open your eyes up to other options.  You don't have to dump him cold turkey, but definitely stop putting all your hopes and dreams on him and your relationship.  

And to counter some of the doom and gloom, I was 51 when I divorced.  I'm 55 now.  I haven't had any problems in finding men that are interested in me, I didn't suddenly become invisible after 40, no matter how many stories we are told otherwise.  I have no desire to ever marry again, but I do want a committed and lasting relationship with the right person.  I'm seeing someone now, it may or may not last, but my experiences over the past 4 years haven't given me any reason to believe I can't or won't find the right person if my current guy isn't it.  

One of my friends is in a very happy relationship that began when she was 64, another when she was 68 (she and her guy married last year).  Love and romance does not have an expiration date.

Don't act out of fear or desperation or a sense of scarcity.  Take a deep breath and use your head, as well as your heart.    

[GeorgiaPeach1]

He’s probably going to need time to clear his head and re-center after his divorce finalizes. Most men who divorce aren’t looking to dive right back into a serious commitment right away.

[Divorcedmama]

I feel stupid and so over my head... I give him all my free time and all my love. He has no idea how hard it is to be a single parent. I’m embarrassed since he told so many people at work. I’m not going to break it off, but pull away like suggested. I’ve felt this way for awhile. 

[FMW]

You shouldn't feel stupid.  Most of the time, as women, we do go all in with giving our love and attention and time. It's not natural for most of us to hold back, but when we start feeling bad about things that's a sign that we probably need to get a little distance to see things clearly.  

[Ruby Slippers]

35 minutes ago, FMW said:

And to counter some of the doom and gloom, I was 51 when I divorced.  I'm 55 now.  I haven't had any problems in finding men that are interested in me, I didn't suddenly become invisible after 40, no matter how many stories we are told otherwise...

One of my friends is in a very happy relationship that began when she was 64, another when she was 68 (she and her guy married last year).  Love and romance does not have an expiration date.

Amen. The "conventional wisdom" that women can't find good men to date and marry after 40 is a last century notion. I'm 44, have friends in their 40s and 50s, and none of us has any problem getting dates and relationships with desirable men. My last round of dating, I had more interest than pretty much ever before, I think because I've finally developed some real confidence and learned how to present myself well. 

I think a good rule for the future is not to get involved with men who haven't been divorced for at least a year. I've never, ever dated a separated or recently divorced man and never will, as I know from the get-go those men aren't fully available. 

Hopefully you'll soon realize that happiness doesn't revolve around a man/relationship. Sure, ideally we'd all have a beautiful, fulfilling relationship. But it's so much better to be single and happy on your own than stuck in a relationship that's not working and taking you out of your brilliance.

Edited September 17, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Divorcedmama said:

 he's been going through a divorce but currently still living with his stbx and their two kids. We work together.

Sorry to hear this. This is a huge red flag. he's still married and living with his wife ...and you work together. Is he making your place his love nest for his affair? 

You need to end this. He will drag this out and you will only have heartaches ahead. Never date anyone who lives with their "ex".

[kismetkismet]

Your relationship will never move forward while he's living with his wife (note that it's not 'ex-wife' either). My guess is that he's pretty comfortable living in this limbo right now. He doesn't have to deal with the complications of splitting assets/paying child support etc. but he still gets to go off on vacation with his girlfriend when he feels so inclined. There will also always be a certain level of intimacy and connection between them while they're sharing a home. She's also probably not in a rush to get a job because the situation sounds pretty sweet for her. The ACTUAL split up will be difficult. 

I would back off from the relationship and let him know that he can give you a call once he moves out, but until then you're going to date other people. 

Edited September 17, 2020 by kismetkismet
Spelling

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, Divorcedmama said:

I feel stupid and so over my head...

I’m embarrassed since he told so many people at work. I’m not going to break it off, but pull away like suggested. I’ve felt this way for awhile. 

You are not stupid.  You were blinded by romance.  

You will end this when you are ready. You are just not ready, yet but it's coming.  That is why you have felt like this for a while now.  

[elaine567]

17 hours ago, Mrin said:

Everyone I have known that has gone through a divorce has thought the same thing to some degree. Here's the thing though - your brain is full of s***. In time you may come to question the keystone that holds that entire house of cards together - whether being married is really that big of a priority. Whether it is a "return to normal". You see, as the time grows between the dissolution of your previous marriage and today you start to realize that the state of marriage isn't really that important. Or as important as you once thought. You might find being alone is preferable. Or, like me, find being in a fantastic relationship is really the state of being that you desire most. It no longer matters whether it is going to turn into something - like a marriage - what matters is that you have are experiencing life together and enjoying it. And happy. You find a "new normal" and once you do, you can truly start enjoying yourself

I do think that some men can adapt pretty well to the live for the moment lifestyle, especially men who felt trapped by marriage or who never really sowed their wild oats, but I think many women like to be safe and secure and settled and marriage can give that sense of permanency and an "in it for the long haul" feeling.
That way they can give their all without it feeling like they are just being used or it being a waste of their time.
With marriage, they can therefore feel safe enough to build that nest.

[Watercolors]

Right now, OP, your coworker and affair partner (for lack of a better term since he's technically married while he is sleeping w/you) has his cake (his wife and children, a home/mortgage/lifestyle/career) and is eating it too ("dating" you casually on the side). You are his side piece, sorry to say. To borrow from the Burger King slogan, "have it your way." 

Never get entangled with a coworker who isn't available to you 100%. Otherwise, you wind up in this mess you find yourself in right now. 

You have put your life on hold for a man who doesn't have the bandwidth available to be your future husband or a 100% free and committed partner to you and your child. Like other posters have pointed out and you are starting to hopefully realize and accept; he may never leave his wife and children. He may never go through with his divorce. Yet, you sit by the sidelines, because you have made yourself completely open and available to a man who can't offer you back the same availability. 

Why are you allowing this r/s to continue? Do you two work in the same dept., or just for the same company? 

Suffice it to say, "marriage" is an outdated concept when it comes to feeling safe and secure for women (I believe). I think "marriage" means different things to different people. People get married for so many reasons, not just love. I wish more women would realize that just because you're married - it doesn't actually mean that you are safe or secure. It doesn't mean that your partner will actually agree to stay married to you for life.

For me personally, I don't see marriage as anything other than a tax break. I have no desire to ever get married. I just don't see the point of it. If I commit myself to someone "for life" which is what marriage is defined as, then they want to divorce me 6 months later because I am sloppy or I dented the car, or I lost my job, or colored my hair or won't have children, or won't move to another country, or buy their favorite laundry detergent (a cousin is a divorce lawyer; I've heard ALL the crazy reasons people divorce). I just don't see the point of ever getting married if my partner isn't going to stay committed to me for the rest of our lives. I'd rather be alone. 

You haven't been divorced that long for yourself and your child. You were already in a solid relationship when your coworker hit on you and you chose to end that r/s with a man who was 100% available to you, for a man who is 0% available to you, except for fun dates, vacations and sex. But he can't offer you marriage or a long-term committed relationship b/c he is still married. 

I think you need to do some real soul searching as to why you deviated like that to fall for your coworker who isn't even technically available to you in the way you deserve. Why are you choosing a man who is unavailable to you, when you already had a man who was by your own post, totally fallen for you and available to be there for you long-term, baggage free. I think you need to first learn to be alone. Jumping from relationship to relationship with men isn't going to solve your security issue. You have to be the one who makes yourself feel safe and secure. 

Edited September 17, 2020 by Watercolors

[kendahke]

40 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

 People get married for so many reasons, not just love. I wish more women would realize that just because you're married - it doesn't actually mean that you are safe or secure. It doesn't mean that your partner will actually agree to stay married to you for life.

Exactly.  I'll bet his wife thought she'd be married all her life to this guy.

What he's proving to you and with you, OP, is that he will step outside of his marriage/committed relationships.  Vows don't mean squat to him.

[Ruby Slippers]

23 minutes ago, kendahke said:

What he's proving to you and with you, OP, is that he will step outside of his marriage/committed relationships.  Vows don't mean squat to him.

She's also divorced, so by your logic, vows don't meant squat to her, either. I disagree with the logic. 

[Divorcedmama]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

Why are you allowing this r/s to continue? Do you two work in the same dept., or just for the same company? 

We work in the same dept., just down the hall. He has an office, is more senior and knows everyone and everyone likes him.  I've only been there a few years and am a nobody. He wouldn't make things difficult for me, but it would be so hard seeing him and although we are in different groups we do work together.  I'm allowing the r/s to continue because I love him so much, and he makes me happy, and he was so close to finishing his divorce until she was fired. He's the nicest any man has been to me. He knows that I will not be fine with things for much longer, I've told him so. I feel like a cliche. Maybe like others have said, and like I fear, he will break up with me once he moves out.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Divorcedmama said:

 he was so close to finishing his divorce until............ 

Sadly this will be the story of your life as long as you cling to him. You do know that when you provide the love nest, he has no incentive to move out, no? 

Have you been to his home? Are you a secret?

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds like your self-esteem is very low. I don't think your feelings will improve much till you fix that. Confidence and happiness come from within. A great first step is saying no to this halfway relationship, healing, and moving on to better things. 

[Divorcedmama]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You do know that when you provide the love nest, he has no incentive to move out, no? 

Have you been to his home? Are you a secret?

Well, I never thought of it as providing a "love nest" for him until posting this yesterday. And lots of people date while they are divorcing especially if the marriage has been dead emotionally for awhile. But now I feel dirty and the fact that I made him wait three months, seems laughable.

I'm not a "secret". His stbxw knows he is dating someone, we've met each other's friends (and obviously co-workers) in person, and families virtually.

[elaine567]

19 minutes ago, Divorcedmama said:

And lots of people date while they are divorcing especially if the marriage has been dead emotionally for awhile.

Yes, but not so many are still living at home with their wife...
What on earth made you accept that árrangement?