Divorcedmama Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 I've been divorced 2.5 years and separated since 2015. For the past year I've been dating a great guy that is 11 years older than me; he's 50, and he's been going through a divorce but currently still living with his stbx and their two kids. We work together. I am turning 40 next year, and I'm not sure if it is me feeling like a mid-life crisis coming on or my anxiety but I feel no movement on the relationship. It has been a whole year, and we talk about a future together but it's not being actively planned. I understand that it can't be until his divorce is finalized and I never thought I'd be the one in a relationship who wanted more, but I guess I am. How do I know that I'm not being strung along and just being used as someone in the meantime so he can get out of the house for long weekends and have lots of sex with? Should we be talking about marriage at this point? I just feel that if we wait until our kids both move out, it will be 9 years later, and he will be almost 60. I wasted so much of my adult life with an abusive cheating ex-husband (from age 18-34), I don't want to be alone forever. I want someone to be my partner and I want to plan a future. Other than being anxious about our future, the rest of the relationship is great, he's sweet, we have fun together, he helps me around the house, we like each other's friends, etc. I sometimes feel like my emotions are so intense and I want someone with feelings that match mine. I love him so much, but I'm worried I'm sabotaging things with my baggage/issues. I have an anxious attachment style if that helps.
basil67 Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 I think your concerns are valid. Does he stay with you on some weeknights and give you a large part of his weekends? If he is legitimately separated and divorcing, you would expect him to be doing all the regular dating stuff which happens a year in. If he's not doing this, then I will bet that you're an affair partner and not a girlfriend. 1
Author Divorcedmama Posted September 16, 2020 Author Posted September 16, 2020 Yes, he stays with me when my son is at his Dad's so usually every other Thursday- Monday and one other day a week. And before COVID we would see each other every day at work, and were planning on doing more with my son but everything is messed up with COVID so they've only met a few times.
kendahke Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 11 minutes ago, Divorcedmama said: he's been going through a divorce but currently still living with his stbx and their two kids. Despite what he's telling you, if he's still in that house with his wife, he's still having sex with her. Yeah, he'll say "no I'm not", but you're not there in their house with them. This much I know to be true: a man who is done with his marriage moves out and doesn't live with his ex during the separation phase. That's why there is no movement when it comes to you and your relationship. Outside the fact you're each other's rebound and those rarely last. He's telling you what you want to hear in order to have access to sex. He's got a whole lot of baggage to sort surrounding the demise of his marriage and he's been using you as a distraction to that work instead of putting his neck in the yoke and pulling. As long as you keep investing your youth in this, he's going to keep you at bay, in a holding pattern for as long as it takes him to realize he needs some time to go sort himself out. It doesn't sound like he's doing any of that if he's still having day to day close proximity contact with his wife. 7
Mystery4u Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 Why is he still living with his wife? That's not right. When the relationship was over, he should have moved out asap. There's no reason whatsoever to stay living with her, kids or no kids. I'm surprised you have been fine with it for so long. No wonder he doesn't want to move the relationship forward, he's got an easy life, why would he make any effort or sacrifices to change it? 2 1
Happy Lemming Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 Just now, Mystery4u said: Why is he still living with his wife? Maybe he has an "Open" marriage with his wife?? and he is telling the OP what she wants to hear so he can continue to have sex... 1
Author Divorcedmama Posted September 16, 2020 Author Posted September 16, 2020 No, they were planning on one living upstairs and one in the basement to minimize disruption to their kid's lives. She knows he has a girlfriend. Living together hasn't worked out but she was fired over a year ago (on the day of our first date) and they are waiting for her to find a job to be able to split finances. They used to make around the same amount. Now he is looking at houses (but not with me)...
kendahke Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 2 minutes ago, Divorcedmama said: they were planning on one living upstairs and one in the basement to minimize disruption to their kid's lives. A friend of mine was having an affair with a married man who was supposedly living with wife to minimize the disruption to his boys' lives. He was going to move out once the youngest graduated high school. The oldest was married with a little child and the line turned into waiting until the grandchild was a little older. She'd wasted 8 years of her youth behind him. When they use their children as the excuse for not doing right by you, then what they're saying is "you're not going anywhere, so you can wait". Disruption is disruption... and daddy having a girlfriend and mommy being cool with it is just as disruptive to children -- and making not leaving the reason he doesn't want to "disrupt" their lives is a lame excuse. 3
central Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 Many men lie - but not all. I lived a while with my ex while we were divorcing, and eventually did move out. I'd have done so sooner, but she had to change meds (bipolar) and was a danger to herself until her doctor got the dosage right. With our son in the picture, that was too great a risk to leave her alone, divorce or not - and it didn't hurt me or my dating life, either. And no, we did not sleep together or have sex. 1
Happy Lemming Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 10 minutes ago, Divorcedmama said: She knows he has a girlfriend. Yes, that is what an "Open" Marriage is... Either way, this guy is going to take a HUGE financial hit if/when he does get divorced. Between alimony and child support, his finances are going to be pretty banged up. Throw in a new house (for himself) and a mortgage payment and he's going to be writing some major checks every month. After getting dinged up from all of this, I doubt he is going to be in any hurry to sign up for another marriage. At his age, any leftover money should probably be going into a retirement program (for him).
central Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 5 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Yes, that is what an "Open" Marriage is... Either way, this guy is going to take a HUGE financial hit if/when he does get divorced. Between alimony and child support, his finances are going to be pretty banged up. Throw in a new house (for himself) and a mortgage payment and he's going to be writing some major checks every month. After getting dinged up from all of this, I doubt he is going to be in any hurry to sign up for another marriage. At his age, any leftover money should probably be going into a retirement program (for him). No, that's not what an open marriage is, unless he actually is planning to stay with his wife and they have an agreement to each see other people. This is probably dating during divorce, which is totally different. As for the financial hit, yes, that's likely. Of course, he may have a great career so that it won't be a huge burden. Besides, the OP is working so should be able to support herself and not rely on him for everything. Modern times! As for what his intentions are regarding marriage and the OP, only time will tell. I married my gf 90 days after my divorce was final, so you can't generalize about this with much accuracy.
Happy Lemming Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 1 minute ago, central said: unless he actually is planning to stay with his wife and they have an agreement to each see other people. Bingo... that is exactly what he is doing!! Otherwise he would have moved out by now.
central Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 Just now, Happy Lemming said: Bingo... that is exactly what he is doing!! Otherwise he would have moved out by now. Not necessarily. There are often circumstances that make staying a while a good decision. Read my earlier post - I had one of those scenarios.
Author Divorcedmama Posted September 16, 2020 Author Posted September 16, 2020 I'm not worried about him not moving out.. I believe him 100% about this. I'm worried that he will move out into his own place and love it. He's never yet been able to experience having the house entirely to himself and all that freedom. I support myself just fine and able to save etc but I live in a very low cost of living area. He does make 2.5 times what I do though.
Happy Lemming Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 7 minutes ago, central said: Read my earlier post - I had one of those scenarios. I did... indeed very unique circumstance. That does not appear to be the case with the OP, though.
Author Divorcedmama Posted September 16, 2020 Author Posted September 16, 2020 Also, the thing is I was dating someone else who did really want to marry me when I started "talking" to my current bf. I was planning on breaking up with that guy anyway, but this helped. He pursued me hard. Ugh
Trail Blazer Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 His life sounds like a mess. I'm surprised you've lasted a year. 1
Happy Lemming Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 @Divorcedmama Why the rush to get re-married?? You've only been divorced 2.5 years.. 3 minutes ago, Divorcedmama said: Also, the thing is I was dating someone else who did really want to marry me when I started "talking" to my current bf.
Author Divorcedmama Posted September 16, 2020 Author Posted September 16, 2020 4 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: @Divorcedmama Why the rush to get re-married?? You've only been divorced 2.5 years.. Well, my divorce took 3 years. And I am not in a rush. I am fine not getting married for a *few* years, but I don't want to waste my time if this isn't going there. Not to sound superficial but I am still attractive and in shape and if I wait years and years who knows what I will look like. It isn't about getting married, I just want to know that the commitment is there. Is it normal after a year to plan these things?
basil67 Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 22 minutes ago, Divorcedmama said: I'm not worried about him not moving out.. I believe him 100% about this. I'm worried that he will move out into his own place and love it. He's never yet been able to experience having the house entirely to himself and all that freedom. This is a very valid fear. He most likely will want to experience being single for a bit. Or he may not. Thing is, there are no guarantees and because big changes are imminent, there's really no way to predict where this is going to go. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 I'm guessing his wife is in no rush to start earning income again because she knows he won't leave until she does. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal for her - she can spend time with her own boyfriend when he's not around, and he pays all the bills, helps with childcare and household chores. And of course, with every passing day, she's entitled to more and more of his assets in divorce. She's incentivized to take her sweet little time... and he doesn't seem motivated to hurry anything along. No way would I wait around in this situation. It could well go on for years. 3
Happy Lemming Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 1 minute ago, Divorcedmama said: I am fine not getting married for a *few* years, but I don't want to waste my time if this isn't going there. So if he doesn't marry you, he is wasting your time... 2 minutes ago, Divorcedmama said: Is it normal after a year to plan these things? In my experience, I usually started hearing the "marriage talk" at about the two year mark. For the record, I've been dating for 40 years, never married... never will get married. I've always lied and told the woman what she wanted to hear, then I bailed or moved or replaced her. My current long term girlfriend told me she didn't want to get re-married after going through her divorce, so that worked out and we are both on the same page (regarding marriage).
Mrin Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 So, I am going to ignore the whole "ZOMG he lives with is soon to be ex-wife" thing. I think the others ^^^^ have that part well under control. To get back to your original question OP: I'm just going to opine here. This is just based off of my own experiences (divorced 8 years - actively dating since). And I'm going to get a little rough because, let's face it, that what your thoughts are already doing to you so we might as well be frank. Don't worry, I'll hug it out with you at the end. What you are feeling is normal. You're 40. You're 2.5 years out of a marriage. You spent most of your adult life in marriage. And before that you probably aspired, to some degree, to be married before that. So up until now the "target state of being" is, well, being married. And you really want to get back to that state. Right? Because hey, you're 40. You've got what... just a few short years of youth left in you. Then menopause hits. 50 looms and you've read the articles, if you don't get married within 5 years of being divorced then the odds of ever getting remarried go way way down. And then you're going to end up a crazy cat lady with a knitting addiction. So, every year that passes that isn't moving back towards that married state of another year wasted. Right? Is that close to what your brain tells you when you're laying awake in bed at night? If not, sorry if that is now the stuff of nightmares... Okay, that is totally normal. Everyone I have known that has gone through a divorce has thought the same thing to some degree. Here's the thing though - your brain is full of s***. In time you may come to question the keystone that holds that entire house of cards together - whether being married is really that big of a priority. Whether it is a "return to normal". You see, as the time grows between the dissolution of your previous marriage and today you start to realize that the state of marriage isn't really that important. Or as important as you once thought. You might find being alone is preferable. Or, like me, find being in a fantastic relationship is really the state of being that you desire most. It no longer matters whether it is going to turn into something - like a marriage - what matters is that you have are experiencing life together and enjoying it. And happy. You find a "new normal" and once you do, you can truly start enjoying yourself. I wish I could tell you there was a quick way to find your new normal. There isn't. Personal development can help. But what you really need is time. Time for the old muscle memory of what.... three decades of conditioning you to desire marriage... fades and your new muscle memory takes over. I've seen this in me. And i've seen this in my friends. And I can tell you, we're all so much happier when we were able to find our new normals and live our lives chasing them. Sure - would I love to be married someday to a fantastic woman? Absolutely. But, if I live out the rest of my life with that fantastic woman (or women) unmarried I'll be just as happy. And oh so much happier than living out the rest of my days in a not so happy marriage to a not so fantastic woman. Lastly, I leave you with these few thoughts as a 49 year old man who has plenty of success with women: 1. Your 40's are not your last hurrah. I know plenty of smoking hot gorgeous and vivacious women well over 50 2. And they're super sexy too and lead incredibly fulfilling romantic and sexual lives 3. Plenty of the right men will find you desirable at whatever age you are. You just have to find them. 4. Work on yourself first. You're a mom. You've been a wife. My guess is that you haven't put yourself first since what... you were 12 years old? Take care of yourself. Tend to your needs and desires. You deserve it! Best of luck and I hope I wasn't too rough. Mrin 2
Alvi Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 Well, the thing is until he divorces his wife and moves out, you'll never be anything more than just a girlfriend, Girlfriend or mistress, whatever you want to call it, pretty much the same thing here. Are you OK, with that? Do you want more at some point? He may or may not divorce his wife down the road, but until he does, how do you see your relationship progressing? The relationship will never to progress, since, he is well, MARRIED. If you are OK with the two of you just dating then fine. I mean many people just date each other and never get married. You can be exclusive and committed but never married.And if it works for both of them, then who are we to judge them. You can stick around for month, years. And maybe he will divorce. Or may be he will not. He may or may not sleep with his wife, but likely he does. If you are OK with sticking around and sharing him with his wife, by all means, stick around. His situation is messy, are you sure you want to be around to help him clean up his mess? Even if you do, there is no guarantee he will end up with you. If not, find someone who is actually single. I am 42, my dating prospects pretty much dried up as I turned 40. As all of my other single friends who are over 40. I've been told numerous times that I am too old to date now. Be it as it may, I will never touch a married or separated guy with a ten foot pole. You may not be in any rush to get married but do understand that there is not going to be any commitment on his part till he is actually physically lives away from his wife and is actually divorced. Anything else is really up in the air and hypothetical with this particular guy. The older you get, the more difficult it is going to be for you to find a good guy. Don't wast your time here if you ask me. 2
Author Divorcedmama Posted September 17, 2020 Author Posted September 17, 2020 42 minutes ago, Mrin said: What you are feeling is normal. You're 40. You're 2.5 years out of a marriage. You spent most of your adult life in marriage. And before that you probably aspired, to some degree, to be married before that. So up until now the "target state of being" is, well, being married. And you really want to get back to that state. Right? Because hey, you're 40. You've got what... just a few short years of youth left in you. Then menopause hits. 50 looms and you've read the articles, if you don't get married within 5 years of being divorced then the odds of ever getting remarried go way way down. And then you're going to end up a crazy cat lady with a knitting addiction. So, every year that passes that isn't moving back towards that married state of another year wasted. Right? Thank you for this. This is exactly the issue, except substitute crazy plant/dog lady for cat lady. I'm happy with my life (given the rest of my circumstances), I have lots of time with my son, I have my time with my bf, I have my work (except I wish I made more money), I volunteer, I have my house and my plants... it feels off to think that this is OK. When everyone else thinks my relationship with him is not OK. I've never met anyone so kind and easy going like him before, he's opened my mind to many things. I have zero doubts in my mind that he will get divorced and it will be soon but is dependent on her getting a job. I dated when I was separated/going through my divorce. I didn't give it a second thought, although I was living separately. I grew up on the East Coast and was always very competitive and it is hard to just let things be, no goal, enjoy things. I get so wrapped up in my mind that if he doesn't want marriage then something is wrong and he's really not as kind as I think, and then I spiral into the gloom and doom. I know I need to work on myself. I know I need to build up my life and interests and outside relationships. I enjoyed your comments.
Recommended Posts