Watercolors Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 9 minutes ago, Mina16 said: Yes I have been over to his place regularly during our dating. Everytime we spend time together it is at his place. Not going out to restaurant or picnic or cafe. He expects me to pay half for the groceries that we get so we can cook dinner together. If he can pay rent for his own apartment, then he has the income to pay for groceries, vacations, movies, dinners, flowers, etc. Yet, he isn't doing that is he. Plus, he won't spend money on you to take you out on a public date. Yeah, I'd walk away from this. There is something extremely "off" about this guy. Why are you putting up with this kind of treatment? What is so great about this guy? 1
Ruby Slippers Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 7 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Why are you putting up with this kind of treatment? What is so great about this guy? I'm guessing it's simply youth and inexperience, perhaps low self-esteem? I've never dated such a deadbeat in my life. 3
Wiseman2 Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 21 minutes ago, Mina16 said: Yes I have been over to his place regularly during our dating. Everytime we spend time together it is at his place. Not going out to restaurant or picnic or cafe. He expects me to pay half for the groceries that we get so we can cook dinner together. Unfortunately he seems to be a homebody, however he seems to be keeping you a secret, which is a red flag. Stop buying groceries or going to his house for "dates". Why enable this nonsense? 2
elaine567 Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 Do you know what he does for a living? Where he works? How often do you see him? 1
Watercolors Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: Do you know what he does for a living? Where he works? How often do you see him? I would have asked these questions within the first two weeks of meeting him. If a guy I meet in person from OLD doesn't publicly state what he does for a living, my red flag odometer goes off. I think he is hiding his type of work or his unemployed-status from the OP. Someone is paying for all of his online orders, if he isn't himself. 1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said: I'm guessing it's simply youth and inexperience, perhaps low self-esteem? I've never dated such a deadbeat in my life. Yeah. I remember my early 20s. I was like a green horn when it came to figuring out the varying shades of deadbeat guys (and whoo, there are so many shades of deadbeat guys). He definitely fits the description of a total dead beat. If he's married and the OP is his side piece; if he's unemployed and his rent is paid with unemployment; if he's on disability; if he's an entrepreneur...who knows. But the OP's lack of interest in what her so-called b/f does for a living is worrisome. The OP should know her b/f's type of job, who his family and friends are, his hobbies, etc. by 6 weeks at least. 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Unfortunately he seems to be a homebody, however he seems to be keeping you a secret, which is a red flag. Stop buying groceries or going to his house for "dates". Why enable this nonsense? And not all homebody's are this secretive. I dated a guy who never took me anywhere b/c he was a broke musician. I dated another guy who never took me anywhere, and he was a deadbeat (the garden variety; went from job to job b/c he always got fired, had no sustainable income even spent his meager unemployment on booze and cigarettes). Finally, I dated a guy who never went anywhere because he was a schizophrenic and didn't tell me he had this condition until he had a delusional episode in front of me at the grocery store. Whatever the reason he refuses to take the OP public, she needs to leave this dude behind. If she doesn't, then I agree with Ruby Slippers assessment; the OP has very low self esteem, is not experienced with dating, is young, and may have some issues that this deadbeat dude has triggered, that makes her want to take care of him (b/c she thinks he will love her for taking care of him, which is not how healthy relationships function). And, like Wiseman advised to you OP: stop enabling this nonsense. Stop throwing your hard earned money away on this older guy who is clearly incapable of being a normal, healthy, functional adult male. Edited September 16, 2020 by Watercolors 2
kendahke Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 3 hours ago, Mina16 said: He expects me to pay half for the groceries that we get so we can cook dinner together. Stop going to his house and paying for his groceries. Tell him you already ate before and you're not hungry or interested in going to the grocery store or call up some friends and go out to eat with them and tell him you're going out to eat with your girls and no, he's not invited. Old school can make a peanut butter sandwich. 2
Author Mina16 Posted September 16, 2020 Author Posted September 16, 2020 I know what he does for a living. That's how we met. Through work. He isn't married as well as far as my self esteem goes, I dunno maybe it is low but I was not with him because he validated me as a woman or anything like that. I was with him simply because I was interested, until I no longer was. This is my first relationship, so I suppose it is due to inexperience. UPDATE: Thank you for all the wonderful advice and analysis. I left him and I feel like my brain just lost 20kg. 6
MsJayne Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 Never trust anyone who asks you how much you earn, especially after only 1.5 months. Nothing wrong with paying half each, but this is more than that, he's beyond stingy. Making you pay for half the groceries ?? Next he'll be asking for $50 towards his electricity bill. You're in a relationship, not a business merger. I say flick Mr TightAzz, he's one of those miserable men who're terrified that they might actually give someone something for free. 2
Watercolors Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 39 minutes ago, Mina16 said: I know what he does for a living. That's how we met. Through work. He isn't married as well as far as my self esteem goes, I dunno maybe it is low but I was not with him because he validated me as a woman or anything like that. I was with him simply because I was interested, until I no longer was. This is my first relationship, so I suppose it is due to inexperience. UPDATE: Thank you for all the wonderful advice and analysis. I left him and I feel like my brain just lost 20kg. Wait..you met him at your work and he had the nerve to ask you how much you salary is?! Then he was a complete cheapskate with you on top of it all, telling you to pay for 1/2 of everything and always making you go to his place instead of actually making an effort to take you on on dates. Now its become clear to me. Your coworker is a weasel. Not introducing you as his g/f yet expecting you to introduce him as your b/f? Eww. Just no. I hope you two don't work in the same dept., do you? Well, chalk this first relationship not as a failure so much as a "who not to date" lesson, for your future Mr. Potential Date encounters. And it would be wise of you to stay away from dating your coworkers. Just keep those r/s as business. 1
Mystery4u Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 42 minutes ago, Mina16 said: UPDATE: Thank you for all the wonderful advice and analysis. I left him and I feel like my brain just lost 20kg. Glad to hear you left him. How did he take it? Can't believe he asked you to pay for half the groceries. When I was with my ex, she only stayed at mine as she lived with family. Every single time she stayed over, I would make sure my fridge was stocked with whatever we were eating that night, as well as her favourites that I knew she liked. The thought of asking her to pay half, ever, never even crossed my mind. 1
Author Mina16 Posted September 17, 2020 Author Posted September 17, 2020 (edited) He is refusing to accept that it is a break up. He says it's just a hurdle or a fight. But he can say whatever. I'm done with him anyway. All I got out of this encounter are just the things that I don't want to see in my future partner and the red flags to look out for. And importantly, trust my gut when I feel like things aren't right. Thank you all Edited September 17, 2020 by Mina16 Spelling 6
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 Yes. They are red flags. What a lazy sullen boor. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 You did the right thing. I'm sure your next relationship is going to be 100 times better. 1
ajequals Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 sounds to me you have landed yourself the classic alpha male. the first sign is he will not pay for you or provide gifts. Alphas always puzzle me as they claim women can't get enough of them, they like being treated like crap.. 2
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, ajequals said: sounds to me you have landed yourself the classic alpha male. the first sign is he will not pay for you or provide gifts. Alphas always puzzle me as they claim women can't get enough of them, they like being treated like crap.. He's a lazy unmotivated incredibly uninteresting paranoid lump on a couch, eating somebody else's food. You're not describing an alpha. You're describing half the main characters from The Big Lebowski. Edited September 17, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 4
Starry_eyed Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 Prepare yourself for a phase where perhaps you start reconsidering getting back with him, sounds like he is refusing to respect your choice. Hope it doesn't happen but if it does, it's a very normal part of the 'getting over someone' process and from my experience, most of the time it is not the right thing to revisit it. Stick to your guns, I think you did the best thing for your own happiness! 1 1
kendahke Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 (edited) 17 hours ago, Mina16 said: I know what he does for a living. That's how we met. Through work. and this is why it's a very bad idea to date people you work with: 16 hours ago, Mina16 said: He is refusing to accept that it is a break up. No, this is a break up and if he can't accept that, then you're going to have to act like you mean it. Edited September 17, 2020 by kendahke 1
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