Are these red flags?

[Mina16]

I've (23F) been with this guy (28) for about 1.5 months. There have been little things that he has been saying casually or in a joking manner which sort of worried me but I'm not sure if they are "red flags".

1) He asked about my income and savings a few of times and each time I refused to tell him the details because it's irrelevant to me. He also (in a joking manner) asked me to cover more than half of bills that we may have ie dates as I earn more than he does. He has never disclosed to me how much he makes. I don't really care either.
2) After I agreed to be in a committed relationship, the outings to dinner and movies kind of stopped. We went out of town for a little weekend holiday but that was the most exciting thing we've done together since being together. I mentioned to him that maybe we need to be more romantic. Dinners and movies out, dating ect. Otherwise we're stuck in a routine of just cooking dinner at his place everytime we see each other. He said something along the lines of " I got you now, I can relax". Also said in a casual and joking tone of voice. Despite the fact that I am happy to split bills and he knows that. 
3) I don't mean to sound like a spoiled princess, but during the time that I've been with him, there were no little gifts such as flowers that you might expect in early "honeymoon" stages of a relationship. I don't expect expensive gifts but it's nice when you're being treated occasionally and you treat them back. 
4) he expects me to tell my friends that he is my bf but wouldn't tell his friends or family about me. He was keen to meet my family early on and he has met them. A couple of times that we bumped into his friends, he wouldn't introduce me at all. I was just like on a sideline. 
5) On the topic of gifts and dates out, from early days I noticed that he would recieve parcels from online shopping almost every week, but would tell me how he is struggling to budget and maybe how I should pay more than him. 

I didn't bring up the financial and gifts part of this rant because I don't want him to think that that's all I want. But I just feel like I'm not dating a boyfriend but rather a friend. I can buy s*** for myself, that's not a problem, but being in a relationship, I do have a desire to be treated to these things occasionally without having to ask. 
I have feelings for him but I am also trying to process the situation as objectively as possible because if that's how it's going to continue to be, I can't see a potential future with him. Or am I being too harsh? 
Any advice or perspective would really help.

Edited September 16, 2020 by Mina16

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, they are red flags. It's only been, what, 6 weeks? The spark shouldn't be dying already. 

As you said, it's not that earns less than you or can't afford to go out much. It's the fact that he seems to feel entitled to ask about your income, savings, family and to be recognized as your boyfriend when he doesn't offer the same in return. Have you mentioned that to him? If so, what did he say? 

Personally, I would be inclined to let this one go. I'm getting the impression that he's happy to take, but not happy to give. And I'm not talking about money. That sort of attitude is a reflection of his greater character, in my opinion. 

[Mina16]

Well I did bring up the thing about meeting his friends and all he said to me was "you probably won't even like them". When I asked him if they knew anything about me he said "what friends? Hahah" . I sort of feel like now that he "has" me, he wants me to tell people that I'm taken but he wouldn't do the same. It's just so trivial, but put together these little issues make me feel taken for granted. 

[ExpatInItaly]

No. Just no - this guy is too evasive and I wouldn't like his un-reciprocated expectations. 

[La.Primavera]

Looking at it objectively, the guy is cheap.  Not in a frugal, careful with his money kind of way either. 

In my experience these types of traits rarely change in people and the fact that you have so many examples in such a short period of time is concerning.  He sounds like the type of guy that will start going on about his money troubles and ask you to help him out financially.  

I would take a step back from this relationship and reassess if this guy is good boyfriend material or not.   

 

[Maldives]

Sounds to me like he has some money issues and might be struggling financially. 

I must say I'm kinda in the same dilemma but the girls I've gone out on dates never ever pay for nothing so I kinda think the same as you am I just paying for there time lol. 

The evasiveness I guess is a worry about his friends 

Edited September 16, 2020 by Goodguy05

[Versacehottie]

There isn't much good here to keep going on with him.  I think you should break up with him.  He's a taker and lazy.  He doesn't need to necessarily buy you things but to basically put low/no effort at only a 1.5 month in is troubling.  Also perhaps he rushed to get to that committed stage precisely so he no longer had to put in effort? That's what I think he did.  Also the level of commitment at 1.5 month isn't like he should be badgering you or determining that "you make more thus you should contribute more".  At this stage, I think it's a long way off from that.  It's more like you do what you can afford and he does what he can afford.  Neither of which means either of you should slack in the effort part.  You can still put in effort that is not tied to how much you spend.  It sounds like he is not doing that IMO.

100 RED FLAGS. Run. Good luck

[schlumpy]

You are not happy with him but he keeps things so vague that it's difficult to make a decision. I'm surprised you invested more time and energy when he was trying to find out how much money you make. He's pretty good looking, right?

You are in a one sided relationship where you care more about him then he does about you. Not a good position to be in and will only get worse in the future.

 

[d0nnivain]

At this early stage because you already have bad feelings & concerns, listen to that inner voice warning you that there is more wrong here than meets the eye.  

Get out now.  

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Mina16 said:

I've (23F) been with this guy (28) for about 1.5 months. There have been little things that he has been saying casually or in a joking manner which sort of worried me but I'm not sure if they are "red flags".

1) He asked about my income and savings a few of times and each time I refused to tell him the details because it's irrelevant to me. He also (in a joking manner) asked me to cover more than half of bills that we may have ie dates as I earn more than he does. He has never disclosed to me how much he makes. I don't really care either.
2) After I agreed to be in a committed relationship, the outings to dinner and movies kind of stopped. We went out of town for a little weekend holiday but that was the most exciting thing we've done together since being together. I mentioned to him that maybe we need to be more romantic. Dinners and movies out, dating ect. Otherwise we're stuck in a routine of just cooking dinner at his place everytime we see each other. He said something along the lines of " I got you now, I can relax". Also said in a casual and joking tone of voice. Despite the fact that I am happy to split bills and he knows that. 
3) I don't mean to sound like a spoiled princess, but during the time that I've been with him, there were no little gifts such as flowers that you might expect in early "honeymoon" stages of a relationship. I don't expect expensive gifts but it's nice when you're being treated occasionally and you treat them back. 
4) he expects me to tell my friends that he is my bf but wouldn't tell his friends or family about me. He was keen to meet my family early on and he has met them. A couple of times that we bumped into his friends, he wouldn't introduce me at all. I was just like on a sideline. 
5) On the topic of gifts and dates out, from early days I noticed that he would recieve parcels from online shopping almost every week, but would tell me how he is struggling to budget and maybe how I should pay more than him. 

I didn't bring up the financial and gifts part of this rant because I don't want him to think that that's all I want. But I just feel like I'm not dating a boyfriend but rather a friend. I can buy s*** for myself, that's not a problem, but being in a relationship, I do have a desire to be treated to these things occasionally without having to ask. 
I have feelings for him but I am also trying to process the situation as objectively as possible because if that's how it's going to continue to be, I can't see a potential future with him. Or am I being too harsh? 
Any advice or perspective would really help.

 

My thoughts...

 

1 are you of differrnt races or backgrounds?  Different religions?  His family could have expectations you might not meet.

 

2 last time I checked there is Covid out there so people might not want yo do things they have done.

 

3.  I believe after you are in a relationship there should be some levrl if splitting dating costs.  If he knows ehat sort of work you do he probable can ball oark your pay.

 

4.  If you have had family drama in the past, you might not want yo introduce a new SO to family unless it’s a sure thing.  To me  6 weeks is too soon.

 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

Selfish, lazy, unromantic, cheap, prying into your finances, thoughtless, not introducing you as his girlfriend... this guy is a complete dud and you can do much better. The first 6 months, he's showing you his BEST. I'd hate to see his worst. 

[smackie9]

If a guy grilled me about my income? deal breaker...wouldn't have made past the first date. First impressions count!

I think I speak for most women...we like a man to be a man and treat us like a lady, and that means paying for some dates to make us feel special.

Edited September 16, 2020 by smackie9

[kendahke]

6 hours ago, Mina16 said:

He said something along the lines of " I got you now, I can relax".

Bail.  He's looking for a mother, not a romantic partner where he would have to actually arse himself to act like he's in a romantic relationship.

6 hours ago, Mina16 said:

he expects me to tell my friends that he is my bf but wouldn't tell his friends or family about me

He doesn't want them to know he's got a woman taking care of him.

Quote

he would recieve parcels from online shopping almost every week, but would tell me how he is struggling to budget and maybe how I should pay more than him. 

How about maybe no.

You're still in the "on their best behavior" aspect of your new relationship---he's supposed to be showing you his best side and this is the best he can do? He's basically telling you that you aren't worth his investment.

Someone who is as stingy as he is and you're still in the honeymoon phase after 6 weeks means the more time you spend with him, the more stingy he will be with his money while at the same time, having his hand out to you to pay for things. No.  You can do way better than this. He needs to go back home to his mummy and let her subsidize his lifestyle.

Unless you want to spend your time taking care of a grown man, dump him.

And to answer your question in your topic line: 🗣  Y E S 🗣

Edited September 16, 2020 by kendahke

[mark clemson]

Frugality in and of itself is not such a bad thing - it's more of a lifestyle thing and serves you well in the long term. Unless you are not also frugal, but you are at least reasonably so or you would have already bailed. However, not bothering to even buy you flowers and such once in a while is a bit overboard IF he understand that you are the type who responds a lot to that. The never eating out bit sounds like taking it a bit far as well IMO.

The "prying" MAY have been to make sure you're not someone up to their eyeballs in debt (they are certainly out there) as he may not want to get hitched to that emotionally. Everyone is allowed their dealbreakers.

All that said, all the rest of this is bad TOO, which is the real issue. It sounds like in a month or two you will essentially be roommates. Perhaps that's what he's comfortable with. If that's not for you (and it sounds like it's not), well...

 

Edited September 16, 2020 by mark clemson

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

2 last time I checked there is Covid out there so people might not want yo do things they have done.

That's in the US--in other parts of the world, society has once again opened up because they took the right action early on.

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, kendahke said:

That's in the US--in other parts of the world, society has once again opened up because they took the right action early on.

But all of Europe especially France, Spain and the UK are now experiencing increasing numbers and imposing local lockdowns in hot spots.
Trouble is nowhere really beat the virus, they just felt it was time to open up and they did, but as soon as they open up the virus comes back, that is the reality of the situation.
it is a global pandemic, even if viral cases were down to nil in a country, all it needs is some infected foreign traveller to show up undetected, and it is virus time all over again.

[Ami1uwant]

34 minutes ago, kendahke said:

That's in the US--in other parts of the world, society has once again opened up because they took the right action early on.

I know...but even those places peop,e are still going to be careful in crowded areas and dome peop,e might not feel comfortable doing crowd heavy activities.

 

there are flare ups again Spain and a few other countries.

Edited September 16, 2020 by Ami1uwant

[GeorgiaPeach1]

When a man won’t invest in you and hides you from the important people in his life, it’s because he’s already decided he doesn’t see you long term. However, men like that have no problem accepting your “benefits” and help until they either meet someone else, get bored with you or you start insisting your own needs get met.

[JRabbit]

Aside from the financials....the biggest red flag is that he won't introduce you as his Gf in front of his friends and family.  Don't waste another minute on this guy.

[kismetkismet]

Yes, these are big red flags. There's something really sketchy and evasive about this guy. 

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, kismetkismet said:

Yes, these are big red flags. There's something really sketchy and evasive about this guy. 

Yes, I would not trust him an inch...

[Starry_eyed]

8 hours ago, Mina16 said:

I've (23F) been with this guy (28) for about 1.5 months. There have been little things that he has been saying casually or in a joking manner which sort of worried me but I'm not sure if they are "red flags".

1) He asked about my income and savings a few of times and each time I refused to tell him the details because it's irrelevant to me. He also (in a joking manner) asked me to cover more than half of bills that we may have ie dates as I earn more than he does. He has never disclosed to me how much he makes. I don't really care either.
2) After I agreed to be in a committed relationship, the outings to dinner and movies kind of stopped. We went out of town for a little weekend holiday but that was the most exciting thing we've done together since being together. I mentioned to him that maybe we need to be more romantic. Dinners and movies out, dating ect. Otherwise we're stuck in a routine of just cooking dinner at his place everytime we see each other. He said something along the lines of " I got you now, I can relax". Also said in a casual and joking tone of voice. Despite the fact that I am happy to split bills and he knows that. 
3) I don't mean to sound like a spoiled princess, but during the time that I've been with him, there were no little gifts such as flowers that you might expect in early "honeymoon" stages of a relationship. I don't expect expensive gifts but it's nice when you're being treated occasionally and you treat them back. 
4) he expects me to tell my friends that he is my bf but wouldn't tell his friends or family about me. He was keen to meet my family early on and he has met them. A couple of times that we bumped into his friends, he wouldn't introduce me at all. I was just like on a sideline. 
5) On the topic of gifts and dates out, from early days I noticed that he would recieve parcels from online shopping almost every week, but would tell me how he is struggling to budget and maybe how I should pay more than him. 

I didn't bring up the financial and gifts part of this rant because I don't want him to think that that's all I want. But I just feel like I'm not dating a boyfriend but rather a friend. I can buy s*** for myself, that's not a problem, but being in a relationship, I do have a desire to be treated to these things occasionally without having to ask. 
I have feelings for him but I am also trying to process the situation as objectively as possible because if that's how it's going to continue to be, I can't see a potential future with him. Or am I being too harsh? 
Any advice or perspective would really help.

Hey @Mina16, I know how difficult rationalising can be when emotions are involved. Here is what I have taken from what you have written.

This guy is 5 years older than you and you have been dating for ~6 weeks which realistically speaking is very early on even if emotionally it may feel intense. He has requested that to your friends and family he is known to be your boyfriend but to his family and friends you are not on the radar. When you bumped into his friends he didn't introduce you. He is asking you to do something he is not willing to do.

He has 'joked' that you should pay for majority of bills because you earn more. There is no joke there. He sounds like he thinks he is entitled to expect things of you. However when you asked about him investing equally in your relationship and doing more fun things together his response was to 'joke', he didn't take any action. 

He has suggested issues around budgeting which I guess might make you feel a little uncomfortable or bad to ask for small , sweet gestures like flowers. However he has money for online shopping fairly regularly. To be fair he has a right to spend money on what he wants but that is hypocritical on his part considering he is suggesting how you should spend your money and asking you to pay for more things. Personally I think if you were together for years I would still think it is quite cheeky to suggest as a joke or seriously.

Healthy relationships require equal effort and investment to work for both people and I would say these are red flags and he wants to take but not equally give. You deserve someone who treats you how you treat them.

Edited September 16, 2020 by Starry_eyed

[Watercolors]

10 hours ago, Mina16 said:

I have feelings for him but I am also trying to process the situation as objectively as possible because if that's how it's going to continue to be, I can't see a potential future with him. Or am I being too harsh? 
Any advice or perspective would really help.

Why do you have feelings for him? What has he done for you to show you that he actually cares? He denies your his g/f to his friends and family as if to hide you in plain sight; yet you are supposed to call him your b/f in front of your friends and family. He lies to you about his income (or lack thereof) so that you pay for everything. He makes zero effort and you make 100% effort. 

My perspective is, you've entangled yourself with a liar who is also a mooch. If you think you deserve this then stay with him. Otherwise, it's only been 6 weeks, get out of this entanglement now. Raise your standards to be with a guy who doesn't exhibit any of the 5 red flags you listed.  

10 hours ago, Mina16 said:

1) He asked about my income and savings a few of times and each time I refused to tell him the details because it's irrelevant to me. He also (in a joking manner) asked me to cover more than half of bills that we may have ie dates as I earn more than he does. He has never disclosed to me how much he makes. I don't really care either.
2) After I agreed to be in a committed relationship, the outings to dinner and movies kind of stopped. We went out of town for a little weekend holiday but that was the most exciting thing we've done together since being together. I mentioned to him that maybe we need to be more romantic. Dinners and movies out, dating ect. Otherwise we're stuck in a routine of just cooking dinner at his place everytime we see each other. He said something along the lines of " I got you now, I can relax". Also said in a casual and joking tone of voice. Despite the fact that I am happy to split bills and he knows that. 
3) I don't mean to sound like a spoiled princess, but during the time that I've been with him, there were no little gifts such as flowers that you might expect in early "honeymoon" stages of a relationship. I don't expect expensive gifts but it's nice when you're being treated occasionally and you treat them back. 
4) he expects me to tell my friends that he is my bf but wouldn't tell his friends or family about me. He was keen to meet my family early on and he has met them. A couple of times that we bumped into his friends, he wouldn't introduce me at all. I was just like on a sideline. 
5) On the topic of gifts and dates out, from early days I noticed that he would recieve parcels from online shopping almost every week, but would tell me how he is struggling to budget and maybe how I should pay more than him. 

1. HUGE RED FLAG. He asks you to pay for everything, asks you how much money you earn, and won't tell you about his income. 
Why: He has no income. He wants you to pay for everything all the time. 

2. HUGE RED FLAG: You pay for everything even the vacations.
Why: His "proclamation" that he has you, and he can relax now, is exactly that: a huge warning to you that he is a lazy bum with no income who is going to mooch off you for his shelter, food, clothing, cellphone bills, all his bills. 

3. HUGE RED FLAG: He never buys you any romantic gifts. 
Why: See #1 and #2 red flags. He has no money!!! Plus, he's let you do literally ALL of the work in this relationship (if you can even call it that) so far. He has not put forth any effort to woo you, from what you've written. Why would you waste your time with a guy who doesn't put any effort into chasing you, wooing you, romancing you. He sounds like he's looking for a mommy to take care of him, not a girlfriend. 

4. HUGE RED FLAG: He won't publicly acknowledge you to his friends and family as his girlfriend, yet he expects you to declare him as your boyfriend. 
Why: He's trying to control and manipulate you. He doesn't respect you or care about you. The only thing you have that he wants: your money. If you think he actually wants a real relationship, reread what you wrote. He doesn't. 

5. HUGE RED FLAG: He tells you he has no money, yet he has a ton of packages from online orders. 
Why: He's lying to you about his lack of income or he really has no income. Either way, he doesn't view you as someone worth investing in, financially or romantically. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Mina16 said:

I've (23F) been with this guy (28) for about 1.5 months.
4) he expects me to tell my friends that he is my bf but wouldn't tell his friends or family about me.

At 6 Weeks in, yes these are red flags if you are a secret? Have you been to his home? Is he single?

[Mina16]

Yes I have been over to his place regularly during our dating. Everytime we spend time together it is at his place. Not going out to restaurant or picnic or cafe. He expects me to pay half for the groceries that we get so we can cook dinner together.