Starry_eyed Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 (edited) Hey there! I am 31, new to this forum and would appreciate a considered response from mature users on here ✌ So I had a 1st date yesterday. Been out of the dating game for over a year, met this guy through an online dating platform. He really didn’t give much away in terms of romantic interest. He didn't really smile/looked serious on first impression when we locked eyes and said hi. I couldn't tell if he was thinking 'she doesn't look like what I was expecting' in a disappointed way or 'she's hot, play it cool' Body language wise, when we sat down he was sat back in his chair and the table between us was small with no leg space underneath so he turned slightly sideways to stretch his legs out but his torso was facing me I guess. We spoke about family, travel, the pandemic, hobbies. Both asked questions, in the last 15 mins maybe I asked more. Spoke a little about food and introversion/extraversion - he said he is an introvert (side note: not to be confused with shy, different things). On my part I was a little self-conscious of how I carried myself but enjoying how the conversation was not forced. There was no set agenda, but I don't think we quite totally relaxed. Few laughs here and there. From my perspective this was not necessarily a bad thing because it can mean you're nervous and/or both conscious of wanting to make a good impression. For me, that's what it was. After an hour or so he apologised that he had to check his phone quickly because he had a friends birthday and needed to leave by 7.30pm. Our date started at 6pm. I didn't question it, he told me it was for an ex-colleague blabla and he gave me no reason to take it as him trying to get out or something like that. He paid for the drinks even though I suggested splitting. Actually, some of my friends were meeting too that evening and I briefly mentioned as he has plans I will go and meet them on the way home. We split ways and he said 'shall we hug', and we (or I!) had an awkward moment of not knowing what to do (covid times ha) and just waved goodbye, he said something to the effect of 'let's keep chatting'. That was yesterday evening and it is the morning of the next day now. I really can't tell if he was interested so I figured I should just see if he gets in contact. If he doesn't contact me I'm not sure if I should get in touch, and if I should, I'm not sure by when? I know it is not the main thing but from a superficial perspective I think I am the better looking one but maybe I'm wrong. We both have good career backgrounds but he is 3 years older and is further advanced career-wise, seems to be financially stable. At the moment I am living with my Mum and searching for a new job after a career break abroad, I am skilled and highly employable. Either way this goes I will survive obviously but he actually seemed like a together guy and what I don't want is for us to not meet again when we were both interested to. He is going away for work on Thurs to Sunday or possibly returning early on Friday if covid numbers increase where he is. I do feel because he was so difficult to read I should wait to see if he gets in contact with me. Thoughts would be much appreciated! Edited September 15, 2020 by Starry_eyed
Maldives Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 I would say the guy usually should take the lead but you could just send a thanku SMS for last night and thank him for the drinks and mention it if you enjoyed yourself That usually is enough for a guy to gouge your interested then the balls in his court to lead again 1
Author Starry_eyed Posted September 15, 2020 Author Posted September 15, 2020 Hmm so if I don't wait on him and send message, something like this you mean? 'Hey! Thanks for last night and the drinks, it was nice to talk and get to know you a little bit. Hope you had a nice rest of your evening :)' 1
d0nnivain Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 You should text that message. Apparently the modern dance requires the woman to text thank you as the green light for the man to get in touch for the next date Without that thank you text the man presumes the woman is not interested. 2
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 I’m wondering why he didn’t mention at the very beginning of the date, or even when making the date, that he would have to leave an hour and a half into it. That seems odd. I wouldn’t reach out first if I were you but if you do, make it a quick “thanks for a nice evening” message. You seem rather looks oriented. Having good looks is definitely a plus, but personality and character are important as well. 2
Trail Blazer Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 7 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: I’m wondering why he didn’t mention at the very beginning of the date, or even when making the date, that he would have to leave an hour and a half into it. That seems odd. I wouldn’t reach out first if I were you but if you do, make it a quick “thanks for a nice evening” message. You seem rather looks oriented. Having good looks is definitely a plus, but personality and character are important as well. I'm not sure if she is or she isn't, but I am just sure she said that he was punching a little above his weight. If I didn't know any better, @Starry_eyed, I'd say your nose is a little out of joint because there's no way you should be the initial pursuer of a man who you perceive to not be your looks match. 1
Fox Sake Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 Not to confuse you , but I do wonder how many people think “I’ll just wait for them to contact me” ...now, what if you both do that? And then because of it, miss out on each other? Doesn’t matter what societal rules think about who should contact who first. This is 2020 not the 1800’s (not that I disagree with men making the effort, but not everyone works that way these days) If you like the guy then make the effort. If it’s gonna work out then it’ll be reciprocated. If not then you can move on to better things 3
Author Starry_eyed Posted September 15, 2020 Author Posted September 15, 2020 (edited) Thanks for your points of view. @GeorgiaPeach1That did pass my mind but for some people 1.5 hours is very much enough for a first date, I don't know why he didn't mention from the get-go, kind of giving him the benefit of the doubt on that as I don't know him. In terms of looks, I know, I don't know why I said it now. Think because I wasn't sure how he perceived me, whether it was good or not so good. @Trail Blazer I don't mind making the move with a guy even if superficially people might say a guy is punching, it's more about not getting any signal of interest/disinterest to judge what I should do. I think I'll message him like you said@Fox Sake, if I get rejected it means I can put that energy in other places. Thanks guy and gals. Going to snip my message a bit shorter like you suggested @GeorgiaPeach1to 'Hey! Thanks for a nice chat and drink, it was good to get to know you a little bit. Hope you had a nice rest of your evening :)' I'm so bad with the dating process and unwritten rules, it's unbelievable Edited September 15, 2020 by Starry_eyed 1
poppyfields Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, Starry_eyed said: He really didn’t give much away in terms of romantic interest. He didn't really smile/looked serious on first impression when we locked eyes and said hi. I couldn't tell if he was thinking 'she doesn't look like what I was expecting' in a disappointed way or 'she's hot, play it cool' Re the bolded, wrong or right (more wrong probably) I think we as women have become conditioned to having men compliment us, or at least comment about our looks especially when meeting in person for the first time after meeting on line. I think it's natural, assuming he found you attractive. I always did (still do) with men, I'm a huge complimenter! And let's face it, looks do matter, it's part and parcel of the energy that's generating between you, aka "clicking." You might think you punch above him, but looks are subjective and it's quite possible you just weren't his cup of tea for whatever reason, so he said nothing. It's possible, it's probably what I would have thought. Also, him checking his phone and suddenly having to leave; sure first meets can be short, but don't kid yourself, if he found you HOT and I do NOT mean just looks-wise but you were clicking and the energy was there, he would not have left. Just my take on that, from experience, I could be wrong. Lastly, and perhaps more importantly, you seem overly focused on how he feels about you, when the better question to ask yourself is how do you feel about him? You said you're the more attractive looks-wise which imo is an odd thing to say when the energy/chemistry was high and you felt an attraction to him. Speaking of which, did you feel the energy with him, or better yet was the energy/chemistry there for both of you? All that said, IF you did feel that energy, despite the nerves, and you are genuinely "attracted to" him, then shoot him the text. Nothing ventured, nothing gained! Edited September 15, 2020 by poppyfields
Author Starry_eyed Posted September 15, 2020 Author Posted September 15, 2020 Thanks @poppyfields yeah, if I'm not his cup of tea it's okay. I guess my messages are focused on him because my uncertainty is about how he presented himself, I know what I would like. When he checked his phone we had another 30 mins or so together before we left but who knows. If it was a lie, it was certainly an intricate one because he shared details about who he was meeting, where etc. I was nervous and didn't fully relax but I enjoyed how organic the conversation was. It wasn't classic dating questions every 5 mins, it flowed. Early days but there were signs of potential for great conversation if things opened up more and I could relax more, perhaps him too. There were also some silences but I liked how neither of us felt the need to jump in and fill it. Perhaps for him those were bad signs, who knows. I think there could be romantic potential, I'm attracted, I felt some intense eye contact from him at one point but I couldn't tell if he was just looking at me and I was imagining it! I've sent a message, let's see. Already feel better for sending it despite what happens 1
poppyfields Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 I'm glad you sent the text! Let us know if/when you hear back, fingers crossed!
Ruby Slippers Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 If he likes you, he'll be in touch, period. Personally, I always thank him for a nice time in person at the end of the date, then let him make the next move. 2
poppyfields Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 59 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: If he likes you, he'll be in touch, period. Personally, I always thank him for a nice time in person at the end of the date, then let him make the next move. Same! If me (and granted I can be sensitive but I am also extremely perceptive) this date/meet would have left me feeling . Doesn't sound like you were vibing much, it all sounds very polite. Again, just my take, I hope I'm wrong! Keep us posted! 2
Datingdisabled Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: Same! If me (and granted I can be sensitive but I am also extremely perceptive) this date/meet would have left me feeling . Doesn't sound like you were vibing much, it all sounds very polite. Again, just my take, I hope I'm wrong! Keep us posted! My two cents is telling me the same! Follow your gut. I have been called the perfect body a time or two but that doesn't stop me from eating if you know what I mean
Amanda141 Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 Hello! Unfortunately I think he is not interested because: 1. If he already knew he had a birthday dinner at 7.30pm, he could have arranged the date earlier or another day, in order to have no time pressure and make sure to spend enough time with you; 2. Let's assume that he really had the dinner. If I were him, first of all I would have told you before about time, or at least I would feel sorry not to have stayed much, so I would send you a message telling that I had a great time etc; 3. He could have texted you this morning. This is from my dating experience, anyway I really hope to be wrong, so hopefully he will answer your message! Keep us updated and best of luck girl!!!
mark clemson Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 (edited) 10 hours ago, Starry_eyed said: Hey there! I am 31, new to this forum and would appreciate a considered response from mature users on here ✌ Huh? What?!? There are mature users on here who give considered responses? Show me, I'm finding this very hard to believe. ✌ Edited September 15, 2020 by mark clemson
Author Starry_eyed Posted September 15, 2020 Author Posted September 15, 2020 (edited) So guys and gals, apologies but no love story ending for you, he said 'Same to you, it was good to meet. Evening was good, hope you enjoyed meeting your friends too ' Guessing that means not interested. I'm glad he was polite enough to reply! Thanks for taking the time with my situation, I struggle with interpreting these kinds of things yet am apparently good at helping others with similar topics! If I can help, let me know Edited September 15, 2020 by Starry_eyed
poppyfields Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 (edited) Ouch, I can feel that sting, I'm sorry. It's good you messaged, at least now you won't be wondering if he would have ever asked you out. Back on the apps! Edited September 15, 2020 by poppyfields
Trail Blazer Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 There's plenty of in the sea! Not to worry... 2
Mystery4u Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 I don't think he was that interested from the beginning, more like a 'fit you in' type of date before he goes out as he's dressed up anyway. Definitely not a 'make an effort for a whole evening' date which any man should do if they want to make a good impression.
Author Starry_eyed Posted September 16, 2020 Author Posted September 16, 2020 8 hours ago, poppyfields said: Ouch, I can feel that sting, I'm sorry. It's good you messaged, at least now you won't be wondering if he would have ever asked you out. Back on the apps! Yeah, I went to the effort of travelling to where he is too rather than suggesting somewhere halfway, which I normally would do. Good lesson and reminder for me! Back to Hinge @Mystery4uit's possible that was the intention before meeting, I will never know. Wish I could ask these things outright without sounding full-on!
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