Logo Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 (edited) How do you balance banter with a meaningful conversation on OLD when there is a stigma that joking and banter means the guy is not serious? I get that banter is not the same. So when do you break out the banter? What do you look for in the conversation for you to feel that it's ripe for it? I want to spice things up, but I don't want to come across as someone who is not a serious guy or not relationship material. I want to be fun and unpredictable, but also serious and a good listener who knows how to hold a conversation. Any pointers? Edited September 15, 2020 by Logo
basil67 Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 Banter? First date. Thoughtful conversation? First date. Going out with someone who can vary between both as appropriate in different stages of the conversation is great fun. Also, banter only works if your date enjoys it. And what some call ‘banter’ others get annoyed with. Start with a small tease and see. If you offend them, then they don’t like it. If they serve it back, then it’s ok. 1
Author Logo Posted September 15, 2020 Author Posted September 15, 2020 One of the obstacles with OLD is that to come across as fun and playful, to truly express yourself, you practically have to turn into a comedian. And I’m not a big fan of that, plus women don’t take you seriously. For some reason too, women on OLD are afraid to joke too much as if the person on the other end is going to bite them. They want someone to “make them laugh”. So much so that it’s a cliche on OLD. But then they don’t take the man seriously.
smackie9 Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 Everyone is different. Me I like banter, flirting, being fun. Save the serious crap for later. 1
poppyfields Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 (edited) Logo, I'm of the opinion that banter cannot be forced nor can serious conversation. When two people click and have that mental energy when interacting on line, just like off-line, in person, the conversation should just flow naturally. When it doesn't and I find I have to overly think of what to say or ways to be funny, or how to transition to serious, I'm out. Just like in the outside world. I've on-line interacted with only a few men wherein the mental energy was there and it was all very very easy and fun. Neither of us had to wonder "hmmm, what should I say now to be cute or funny, or turn this to serious? Again, it all came naturally. That said, you can tease on line but be sure to use the appropriate emoji at the end so she knows you're teasing. Or use Xd, lol, to convey you're teasing/joking with her. But emojis are the best for that imo, take advantage of them! If you're "getting" each other (mentally clicking), she will toss one back. And so forth. After a bit, ask her a serious question to change the vibe to more serious. It's really that easy, again when the mental energy is there. Good luck!! Edited September 15, 2020 by poppyfields 2
Fletch Lives Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 (edited) The formula is 85% light-hearted, banter, non-serous talk, and 15 percent serious talk. Life is serious enough.......people are looking for an escape, a playmate. So a whole lot of sillyness is the way to go. Look at me! I'm very silly-silly, and proud of it! Edited September 15, 2020 by Fletch Lives
Author Logo Posted September 15, 2020 Author Posted September 15, 2020 I get the “clicking” part. The thing is that sometimes a woman will follow the man’s lead because she sees potential, but at some point if he’s either too serious or too silly, she’ll move on. So the cues aren’t always as clear as in real life. When I talk to older people and they say they only had phones or sometimes none at all and they had to interact in person only, I envy them. This just feels unnatural, especially these days. But I’m trying to make the best of it. Worse yet, I feel like my brain is jammed with everything we’re all going through these days and I’m looking for some levity to loosen up and be able to have a fun conversation, but I don’t know how to go about that. I know, it sounds strange. Maybe watching comedies, reading funny blogs or comics or stand up will help. I have no idea. When the brain is jammed it’s not creative.
kismetkismet Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 There's not a perfect formula for it because it depends on the girl. When I was doing OLD I mainly liked to have joking/banter type conversations while still chatting on the app. At that point I was mainly looking to see if we could have fun together. If he seemed fun, I'd go on the date because I knew we were likely to get along and have a good time, so the date at least wouldn't be awkward or boring. If we couldn't get to any thoughtful conversations after the first couple of dates then I would relegate it to a casual situation or stop seeing them. I also didn't like having really serious/deep conversations with people I hadn't met yet. It feels weird to get that intimate over text because it can be awkward when you DO meet up and you realize the person is still basically a stranger, but knows things about you - especially when you don't wind up clicking in person. Things like what you're looking for in a relationship are good, but otherwise keep it light until you meet up.
Author Logo Posted September 15, 2020 Author Posted September 15, 2020 In the absence of visual cues, I find that my humor comes across as offensive when it’s supposed to be the opposite. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself, but a lot of information gets lost over text, no body language, no voice.....I dunno 1
kismetkismet Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 What kind of things are you saying that come across as offensive? I would avoid teasing or making fun of the person you're talking to, even when it's joking.
elaine567 Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 1 hour ago, kismetkismet said: I also didn't like having really serious/deep conversations with people I hadn't met yet. It feels weird to get that intimate over text because it can be awkward when you DO meet up and you realize the person is still basically a stranger, but knows things about you - especially when you don't wind up clicking in person And text is a record of what you actually said and can be held against you for weeks/months/even years... So best not to spill too many beans over text. A lot of humour/banter is actually pretty nasty stuff said as a joke, and if someone is not on the same wavelength then getting offended or even hurt is possible. At least you know now far to push with people you know well, but with strangers you can trigger them quite unknowingly with even quite innocuous stuff... 1
kismetkismet Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 (edited) Very true ^^ I should have specified that 'banter' can be tricky territory, and it's better to err toward just fun joking chat (I often think of banter as just exchanging witty remarks, which isn't the literal definition!). Teasing someone you don't know is tough to do without sounding like a bit of a jerk sometimes, especially over text. Being jokey and playful is great, but maybe don't aim the jokes at the person that you're talking to (or women/minorities/underprivileged etc. obviously). Edited September 15, 2020 by kismetkismet 2
Watercolors Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 2 hours ago, Logo said: In the absence of visual cues, I find that my humor comes across as offensive when it’s supposed to be the opposite. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself, but a lot of information gets lost over text, no body language, no voice.....I dunno Here's what you do. You FaceTime or Zoom with your online matches once you agree to go on a first date w/each other. If you won't meet in person due to Covid. Also, you cannot force someone to like your sense or humor. That's just unrealistic. If you fake your sense or humor, the other person will pick up on it, whether its delivered via voice or text. Yes, you are overthinking this whole sense of humor and banter issue. Banter is a spontaneous effect that happens when there is chemistry between two people. Banter is not something you can forcefully create. It just happens. If you have no banter, you have no chemistry. So, banter a natural side effect of two people's chemical attraction to each other. People are only teasing and playful with people they are attracted to, or trying to attract. That latter part - trying to attract - is what you should avoid. Don't pretend to be off-the-cuff, sarcastic, silly, or pun-ny. When you text message the person, just display your real sense of humor and add some emojis for context. And, hope they get your sense of humor. 3
poppyfields Posted September 15, 2020 Posted September 15, 2020 (edited) Well said WC, it echoes what I posted earlier too. Logo, like WC said (and I said earlier), don't try to force anything, it will only sound awkward and contrived. When there is genuine chemistry and I truly believe you can have mental chemistry with someone on-line, it will come naturally and spontaneously. I would also like to say that it's extremely rare to find that type of mental connection on-line, but it does happen. It's happened to me so I KNOW it happens! I've talked to a lot of men on line but that connection only happened a few times. IMO, you're overthinking it. Either the connection/chemistry will be there or it won't, it's really that simple. Edited September 15, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Trail Blazer Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 My motto is, "you be you and the right people will stay around." I'm a laid back person who loves banter. I banter with my buddies all the time, so I will test the waters in the courting stage of dating. I've probably been off-putting to a few, but that's okay. I agree with @poppyfields and @Watercolors that banter is something that will naturally blossom when there's chemistry. You can't force it, but you can test the waters and if they respond positively or they're reciprocal, you could be onto a winner! 1 2
Erik30 Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 17 hours ago, smackie9 said: Everyone is different. Me I like banter, flirting, being fun. Save the serious crap for later. This. Some people like to joke around while getting to know someone, if it works you probably have the same sense of humour. While others are very serious and start out with "what are you looking for?" and "do you want to have kids?" etc. For me, when there's no banter it usually won't come to a date. Try talking about fun topics, it will eventually become more serious if you guys click
SumGuy Posted September 18, 2020 Posted September 18, 2020 On 9/15/2020 at 2:31 AM, Logo said: One of the obstacles with OLD is that to come across as fun and playful, to truly express yourself, you practically have to turn into a comedian. And I’m not a big fan of that, plus women don’t take you seriously. For some reason too, women on OLD are afraid to joke too much as if the person on the other end is going to bite them. They want someone to “make them laugh”. So much so that it’s a cliche on OLD. But then they don’t take the man seriously. That may be your experience and perception but it is not globally true. Instead of trying to be someone you are not, which sounds like that is the case, just be you. Whatever mix of serious and banter that is. Certainly try to meet in person soon (realize not so easy these days) as attempting either via messages, even the phone, is a situation that can lead to misunderstanding. Personally I don't worry one whit about if a woman will judge what I say as too frivolous or too serious. I'm not completely random with my word choice, but I don't sweat it. Because frankly when OLD I was looking for someone who wouldn't judge strongly or so readily on such little information that can easily be misinterpreted. For someone who like the quirks I have, not some false image I curate and then project. I've met such quick to judge women, and their judgments and elaborate conclusions are pretty impressive and a real window into their mind...pure projection. 1
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