I resent my family even more, also triggered by happy families (rant)

[hotpotato]

I don't know how to shake the feelings of resenting my family. The older I get and more I go out into the world, the stronger my feelings get.

I realized that I am triggered by happy/ supportive families. I've been watching sports and other stuff. These athletes talk about how they were active and their parents put them in sports. Their parents made big sacrifices to fund their training and also supported them in the stands. Some of these people were molested, and their families still supported them in sports. My mom wouldn't let me play sports because she said I could get molested. My middle school has never to my knowledge had cases of molestation. 

Im mad about all the years of training and sports i missed out on. Not only that, they make fun of me because they think i can't do something. For example, my grandma makes fun of me when she thinks i can't do something. She laughs in my face. Also, when i lived with her she would actively try to stop me from exercising. I told her as a child i wanted to dance, and she laughed in my face. Somehow Im supposed to know how to dance without taking classes and also without exercising, so that means no or very little practice. My mom would try to remind me that im 30, and I shouldn't be trying to dance. If she catches me working hard for example stretching, she'll tell me to STOP. She's mean and critical and hypocritical! She wouldn't let me play sports as a kid but also I shouldn't do it now bc of my age. Of course, there was a delay. I went to college under her pressure, then I had to pay off my own student loans. They gave me $0 in financial help. Now I say if they don't pay, they don't get a say. Then after that I had other adult issues. Things are different when you have to work and pay for your own stuff. Before anyone says anything,  I absolutely hate school, and I hated college, too. I hate sitting down in a classroom. If they don't stfu about college, i will enroll myself in clown school.

I'm glad i can do my own thing now, but I shouldve been doing this self discovery over 20 years ago. Im doing all these cool things and Im seeing the person I could've been. It's very, very frustrating.  So much of my potential was wasted. I can still do things now,  but its nowhere near the same as starting when young. There was no reason for me not to start young aside from my family not caring about who i am as a person. The only thing they care about is me pumping out grades and degrees to make them look good. They are very selfish. It's my life, not theirs. Unfortunately, I entered a tournament and kind of sabotaged myself. I think i got so used to being small and having to hide myself that being successful seemed scary. Im used to hiding away in a small room. 

Before anyone says anything, they are abusive in any ways. Years ago i had a miscarriage, and my grandpa said, "That's a sign from God you need to finish school." All they care about is fking school! My mom was physically abusive before i beat her up. She was still spanking me at age 15. She threatened to spank me when i was in my 20s,too, but came to her senses quickly. Despite all her control and criticism (and from the immediate family as well), I still grew up and basically became an Amazon. She let my bro play sports with no problem, and he was not particularly good. I didn't hear her complain about how he wasn't going to the Olympics.

I feel like im 15 years old and discovering who i am. I guess most teens are allowed to do things and find themselves, but I wasn't. I feel like im a kid again, like im getting a second chance.

[smuggy95]

Just a question - what culture/background is your family? I ask because it sounds like my asian family with the degrees etc. If it is cool, adds another layer I can address. If no, that's cool too, there are things we share universally.

First and foremost I would say do not look back at the childhood years with regret. Those weren't in your control. But you're living life now and enjoying a lot of it, discovering yourself. Just be glad you got free and enjoy it! At 30, you can say no and yes, however you please.

It is tough not having some support while you discover yourself, but as someone who was also a late at discovering myself (I never had my teen rebellion until I was 33, I assumed my parents would respect me as an adult), these will be the best years of your life!

[d0nnivain]

Assuming you live in the US,  you have until the end of 2021 in most places to file a suit against anyone who molested you as a child.  Go talk to a lawyer immediately. 

If you are living with your family, move as soon as possible.  You are 30 years old.  It's time to stop listening to them. 

I got a lot of negative messages from my parents growing up.  It's one of the reasons I don't have kids.  My mother never let me interact with babies & screamed at me when I held a baby.  Telling a child to be careful is one thing but she last did it to me when I was 34. I was feeding my girlfriend's son at a party because she was busy as the hostess.  Everything was fine.  He was smiling & eating.  When my mother saw me she started screaming. . . I mean screaming. . . people came running.  She acted like I was whacking this kid in the head with a hammer or something else heinous.  It scarred me. I left that party in tears.  It's still  a bit of a family joke; a few weeks ago when I was at their house the same son still jokes & asks me to feed him stuff.  Now it's funny but for a long time I was very hurt.  

At some point you have to tune them out.  Easier said then done but give it a shot.  Let them say whatever but do what you want.  That will be easier when you don't live with them any more.  This has been going on way too long.  

[Ruby Slippers]

I had a difficult childhood mostly due to my dad's verbal and emotional abuse and neglect. It affected just about every aspect of my adult life, and even as far as I've come, I still unintentionally attracted a guy with latent abusive tendencies in my last relationship. It's almost certain that if I'd had a better dad and upbringing, I'd be living a very different life today.

It took me a very long time and a good amount of counseling to come to terms with all this, forgive him for his shortcomings, and put aside my lingering resentment. I figured out that if he could have done better, he would have done better. I learned to teach him that I'll only interact with him if he's nice and respectful. There were a few years when I'd simply leave and not come around for a while any time he was rude. Eventually he got the message and he now he never does it. I went through all this because I had spent a long time keeping a safe distance from him, but that meant I hardly ever saw my mom, which didn't seem fair.

Try to let go of the resentment and make the best of the life you have, forgive anyone for their transgressions against you and yourself for your own. Holding onto resentment is like holding onto a hot piece of coal. It doesn't help anybody - it only hurts you. Throw the resentment away and start healing from events that were beyond your control.

[hotpotato]

On 9/14/2020 at 2:46 PM, d0nnivain said:

Assuming you live in the US,  you have until the end of 2021 in most places to file a suit against anyone who molested you as a child.  Go talk to a lawyer immediately. 

If you are living with your family, move as soon as possible.  You are 30 years old.  It's time to stop listening to them. 

I got a lot of negative messages from my parents growing up.  It's one of the reasons I don't have kids.  My mother never let me interact with babies & screamed at me when I held a baby.  Telling a child to be careful is one thing but she last did it to me when I was 34. I was feeding my girlfriend's son at a party because she was busy as the hostess.  Everything was fine.  He was smiling & eating.  When my mother saw me she started screaming. . . I mean screaming. . . people came running.  She acted like I was whacking this kid in the head with a hammer or something else heinous.  It scarred me. I left that party in tears.  It's still  a bit of a family joke; a few weeks ago when I was at their house the same son still jokes & asks me to feed him stuff.  Now it's funny but for a long time I was very hurt.  

At some point you have to tune them out.  Easier said then done but give it a shot.  Let them say whatever but do what you want.  That will be easier when you don't live with them any more.  This has been going on way too long.  

I was never molested. That was a scare tactic. Anytime I do something she wouldn't do, she starts being negative and critical. She still does this, too. I can see she tries not to, but it still comes out that way. Maybe sometimes she is actually concerned, but I cant tell bc she's been so controlling for so long. We are very different people, and I can never be like her. 

Unfortunately,  living with the family is allowing me to pay off Bill's as well as go on a self discovery journey. I also want to start saving money for a house, so I do want to get out. I would actually have to cut out several family members. Several of them are controlling and demeaning to various degrees. I've been told most of my life that I'm not allowed to do things or was incapable of doing things. 

Most of the time I can then them out, but seeing how supportive and loving other families are triggers me. It's becoming worse as time goes on and I see how different other parents are. 

Sorry about your crazy  mom. 

[Ruby Slippers]

8 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

Unfortunately,  living with the family is allowing me to pay off Bill's as well as go on a self discovery journey.

Then you're going to have to accept their presence in your day-to-day life and make the best of it. I moved out of my parents' house at age 17 to escape the negativity and while it was by no means easy on a practical level, it was great for my peace of mind.

When they're being negative and critical, an "in one ear and out the other" approach is probably best. People project negativity on others when they themselves are negative and unhappy. It usually has nothing to do with you.

[Azincourt]

On 9/14/2020 at 4:08 PM, hotpotato said:

I don't know how to shake the feelings of resenting my family. The older I get and more I go out into the world, the stronger my feelings get.

I realized that I am triggered by happy/ supportive families. I've been watching sports and other stuff. These athletes talk about how they were active and their parents put them in sports. Their parents made big sacrifices to fund their training and also supported them in the stands. Some of these people were molested, and their families still supported them in sports. My mom wouldn't let me play sports because she said I could get molested. My middle school has never to my knowledge had cases of molestation. 

Im mad about all the years of training and sports i missed out on. Not only that, they make fun of me because they think i can't do something. For example, my grandma makes fun of me when she thinks i can't do something. She laughs in my face. Also, when i lived with her she would actively try to stop me from exercising. I told her as a child i wanted to dance, and she laughed in my face. Somehow Im supposed to know how to dance without taking classes and also without exercising, so that means no or very little practice. My mom would try to remind me that im 30, and I shouldn't be trying to dance. If she catches me working hard for example stretching, she'll tell me to STOP. She's mean and critical and hypocritical! She wouldn't let me play sports as a kid but also I shouldn't do it now bc of my age. Of course, there was a delay. I went to college under her pressure, then I had to pay off my own student loans. They gave me $0 in financial help. Now I say if they don't pay, they don't get a say. Then after that I had other adult issues. Things are different when you have to work and pay for your own stuff. Before anyone says anything,  I absolutely hate school, and I hated college, too. I hate sitting down in a classroom. If they don't stfu about college, i will enroll myself in clown school.

I'm glad i can do my own thing now, but I shouldve been doing this self discovery over 20 years ago. Im doing all these cool things and Im seeing the person I could've been. It's very, very frustrating.  So much of my potential was wasted. I can still do things now,  but its nowhere near the same as starting when young. There was no reason for me not to start young aside from my family not caring about who i am as a person. The only thing they care about is me pumping out grades and degrees to make them look good. They are very selfish. It's my life, not theirs. Unfortunately, I entered a tournament and kind of sabotaged myself. I think i got so used to being small and having to hide myself that being successful seemed scary. Im used to hiding away in a small room. 

Before anyone says anything, they are abusive in any ways. Years ago i had a miscarriage, and my grandpa said, "That's a sign from God you need to finish school." All they care about is fking school! My mom was physically abusive before i beat her up. She was still spanking me at age 15. She threatened to spank me when i was in my 20s,too, but came to her senses quickly. Despite all her control and criticism (and from the immediate family as well), I still grew up and basically became an Amazon. She let my bro play sports with no problem, and he was not particularly good. I didn't hear her complain about how he wasn't going to the Olympics.

I feel like im 15 years old and discovering who i am. I guess most teens are allowed to do things and find themselves, but I wasn't. I feel like im a kid again, like im getting a second chance.

The vast majority of athletes don't make enough money to support themselves after they retire, and they have short careers, ending at about the age of 30. Much earlier if they suffer terrible injuries. For every Cristiano Ronaldo and Leo Messi who made it hugely and went from being poor kids from the ghetto to world-class superstars with hundreds of millions of euros in the bank(Cristiano Ronaldo is the world's first soccer billionaire) there's hundreds of thousands, even millions of athletes who won't ever get to be in a good team, they will never win anything major, and all that work and effort and pain ultimately has no gain.

What makes you think you have the innate talent and the perfect lungs, perfect eyes, perfect hearts of guys who are unique and never seen the likes of before?

Even in those small teams like Aston Villa or Bolton? Those are world-class players in their own right and they make little to no money.

Go to college. Get an education. Find yourself a good job. Save up money. Get enough money saved for a downpayment. Make sure you no longer need your family and then cut them off for good. There are very few happy families, man, don't go on feeling jealous about the handful of people who actually like themselves within the brick of walls that a family is.

If you want to know the secret to happiness?

Youth. Health. Money in the bank. Owning your own house, and sharing it with no one. Your castle. No one can take this away from you as long as you pay off the mortggage and the property taxes.

A guy like that is lucky beyond belief. No dramas, no obligations, no responsabilities, no crazy parents or brothers or a crazy girlfriend to put up with. It's just you and whatever you want to do. Want to listen to music all day? Get some headphones, turn the volume up and have fun.

You want to spend your days 24/7 watching soccer matches? You can do that, because you don't have to run '*errands* and let's go *meet my parents and spend the weekend* and you don't have to go to no silly baby shower and gender reveal and one-year birthday like anyone cares about any of that nonsense but everyone goes because we have to, or her father won't give you the contacts you need to make more money, so that you can buy all of this useless stuff we don't need but that women love to own so that they feel happy about having something to brag to to their best friends who are married to top dollar lawyers and holiday on the French Rivieira.

Having millions would be nice. Billions even more, but that's nearly impossible for almost everyone and the chances of you having become a top of the line athelete with all of the fame, glory and money and hot women are pretty much close to zero, as this perfect destiny is only reserved to gods, as I like to call them La Liga and the Premiere league top club players.

Don't spend the rest of your life wishing what could've been. Focus all of your energy and time and effort on what CAN be, and what can be is a good life away from that dysfunctional family of yours.

Go to college. Study hard. Give it your best. Get a good job. Save up your hard earned money. Find your indendependent freedom, and when you have that you can flip your family the middle-finger and say goodbye.

 

[Wiseman2]

On 9/14/2020 at 11:08 AM, hotpotato said:

My mom was physically abusive before i beat her up.

Distance yourself from them and get yourself to a doctor to address these ruminations, depression, anxiety, and still blaming parents for all of life's woes.

It's long overdue that you take responsibility for your own life and destination.

[ShyViolet]

On 9/16/2020 at 2:07 PM, hotpotato said:

Unfortunately,  living with the family is allowing me to pay off Bill's as well as go on a self discovery journey. I also want to start saving money for a house, so I do want to get out. I would actually have to cut out several family members. Several of them are controlling and demeaning to various degrees. I've been told most of my life that I'm not allowed to do things or was incapable of doing things. 

Are you sure that you really need to live with your family at this point in order to get by financially?  It sounds like it would be much healthier for you mentally to live apart from them and get your own place.  At 30 years old, it's probably time.  You need to separate yourself from them so you can start to move past all this stuff.

[hotpotato]

On 9/14/2020 at 1:13 PM, smuggy4 said:

Just a question - what culture/background is your family? I ask because it sounds like my asian family with the degrees etc. If it is cool, adds another layer I can address. If no, that's cool too, there are things we share universally.

First and foremost I would say do not look back at the childhood years with regret. Those weren't in your control. But you're living life now and enjoying a lot of it, discovering yourself. Just be glad you got free and enjoy it! At 30, you can say no and yes, however you please.

It is tough not having some support while you discover yourself, but as someone who was also a late at discovering myself (I never had my teen rebellion until I was 33, I assumed my parents would respect me as an adult), these will be the best years of your life!

Im black, but i feel like I have some of the same issues as Asians. I did well in school, even though i didn't like it, and i tested gifted as a child. I think it went to their heads, and they spent a lot of time keeping me on the path they chose for me. The tournament was one of the events they'd probably consider a waste of time and beneath me. Other people had their families there, and they seemed so happy. 

Honestly, i don't tell people i tested gifted outside the internet. I just told someone i made straight A's in school a few months ago after knowing them for years.

I certainly hope these are the best years yet. 

[hotpotato]

On 9/16/2020 at 3:03 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Distance yourself from them and get yourself to a doctor to address these ruminations, depression, anxiety, and still blaming parents for all of life's woes.

It's long overdue that you take responsibility for your own life and destination.

I blame them because a lot bc it is their fault. Having a controlling family plus living with emotional and physical abuse will have repercussions. I'm most angry because I was not allowed to be myself and grow into my own person's. What I wasnt allowed to so then affects me today. It would be much better off had I been doing 20 years ago what I'm doing now. They threw off my life trajectory. I'm more upset about the stifling and controlling than physical abuse tbh. I am doing great things, and I have great things planned. The problem is I'm doing them in the wrong part of my life. 

Also, I don't feel bad about beating her up. She would come out of nowhere and just hit me for no clear reason. I got fed up and hit back. I'm sure if I hadn't fought her, she would still be hitting me. 

[d0nnivain]

hotpotato

Coulda, shoulda, woulda.  We all have regrets, some more then others.  It's particularly frustrating when you realize all the missed opportunities that were missed because somebody else was holding you back when their job as your parent should have been to encourage you.  

That said, you need to change your mindset.  Past a certain point, it's no longer your parents' fault.  Yes, they screwed up the foundation but by the time you are an adult it's up to you to change the trajectory.   I stopped listening to my mother as soon as I moved out of her house after grad school.  I understood I was mortgaging my sanity for less debt during the 3 grad school years when I lived with my parents.  From that moment on I did what I wanted, what was best for me.  I bought clothes she didn't approve of; I took trips; I bought cars she didn't like; I dated men she didn't know about & I got into therapy.  Obviously she still had the power to screw me up -- see the baby story above -- but I recognized all the broken pieces in her & who made her that way.  Then I did the best I could with my late start.  

You said yourself you are doing things now.  Sure maybe it would have been better if you did them 20 years ago but instead of focusing on what you missed, celebrate what you have.  Focus on the abundance not the scarcity & you will be happier all around.  You control your own destiny at this point.  Make it a good one.    

 

[hotpotato]

On 9/16/2020 at 1:41 PM, Azincourt said:

The vast majority of athletes don't make enough money to support themselves after they retire, and they have short careers, ending at about the age of 30. Much earlier if they suffer terrible injuries. For every Cristiano Ronaldo and Leo Messi who made it hugely and went from being poor kids from the ghetto to world-class superstars with hundreds of millions of euros in the bank(Cristiano Ronaldo is the world's first soccer billionaire) there's hundreds of thousands, even millions of athletes who won't ever get to be in a good team, they will never win anything major, and all that work and effort and pain ultimately has no gain.

What makes you think you have the innate talent and the perfect lungs, perfect eyes, perfect hearts of guys who are unique and never seen the likes of before?

Even in those small teams like Aston Villa or Bolton? Those are world-class players in their own right and they make little to no money.

Go to college. Get an education. Find yourself a good job. Save up money. Get enough money saved for a downpayment. Make sure you no longer need your family and then cut them off for good. There are very few happy families, man, don't go on feeling jealous about the handful of people who actually like themselves within the brick of walls that a family is.

If you want to know the secret to happiness?

Youth. Health. Money in the bank. Owning your own house, and sharing it with no one. Your castle. No one can take this away from you as long as you pay off the mortggage and the property taxes.

A guy like that is lucky beyond belief. No dramas, no obligations, no responsabilities, no crazy parents or brothers or a crazy girlfriend to put up with. It's just you and whatever you want to do. Want to listen to music all day? Get some headphones, turn the volume up and have fun.

You want to spend your days 24/7 watching soccer matches? You can do that, because you don't have to run '*errands* and let's go *meet my parents and spend the weekend* and you don't have to go to no silly baby shower and gender reveal and one-year birthday like anyone cares about any of that nonsense but everyone goes because we have to, or her father won't give you the contacts you need to make more money, so that you can buy all of this useless stuff we don't need but that women love to own so that they feel happy about having something to brag to to their best friends who are married to top dollar lawyers and holiday on the French Rivieira.

Having millions would be nice. Billions even more, but that's nearly impossible for almost everyone and the chances of you having become a top of the line athelete with all of the fame, glory and money and hot women are pretty much close to zero, as this perfect destiny is only reserved to gods, as I like to call them La Liga and the Premiere league top club players.

Don't spend the rest of your life wishing what could've been. Focus all of your energy and time and effort on what CAN be, and what can be is a good life away from that dysfunctional family of yours.

Go to college. Study hard. Give it your best. Get a good job. Save up your hard earned money. Find your indendependent freedom, and when you have that you can flip your family the middle-finger and say goodbye.

 

Of course, no one knows what wouldve happened. I'm not saying for sure I wouldve gone anywhere, but if I'm 30 and can still exercise 5 hrs a day, I probably wouldve been a beast in my teens. I probably was, I just didnt get the opportunities kids usually get. 

When I see someone do something I consider great, I dont feel like I cant. Right now I have projects I work on that others think I cant do, but I get better everyday, and I work hard. 

How long a career lasts depends on what someone is doing. There are dancers and circus performers whose careers last decades.  After that they go into teaching/coaching. My former ballet teacher never worked for a major company, and she's doing fine. My pole teacher has a mercedes, so she seems to be doing fine. She doubled her prices, too. They get to do what they love, and that's what I want in my life. Either that or I want a job that allows me to do what i love, which i have now. 

I'm not sure if going back to college is wise. When I say I hate school, I'm not joking. I've already flunked out after being a career student once. I did well most of the time before that, but I couldn't take it anymore. 

I want to live my 30s with passion and energy. Conventional schooling has never given that to me. It's not anyone's fault, I'm just not an academic. I could take the $30k I'd spend on student loans and put it directly towards the house. Theres no need for me to sit in a class being miserable and being charged insane tuition for it. 

[Ruby_Red]

@hotpotato 

It sounds like you’ve got a job that you love, if I read that correctly. That’s great! Why bother with more school, when you’ve already established for yourself that that’s not the right path for you? You don’t like the academic environment. So keep doing what you’re doing. Without more academics. Doesn’t matter if you were tested gifted in school. Many are. That doesn’t define their future, though. I’m sure there are quite a few plumbers or carpenters out there who were on the honors roll in middle school, and they still decided not to go to college, and they probably make more now than your typical academic graduate. 

As far as your parents are concerned. Yes, it sucks if we believe they didn’t support us in the way we wanted them to when we were young. But unfortunately, you can’t change them, and most of all, you can’t change the past. You gotta work with what you have in the present. Maybe talk to them about it once. Let it all out. Tell them why you feel they did you wrong. Just to put it all out there. Maybe you have shared your frustration with them in the past, I don’t know. But a conversation where you get a chance to do most of the talking and explaining so they can better understand you might help you find a better emotional balance and get rid of most of your anger. Just do it once, but be as clear as possible. 

[hotpotato]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

hotpotato

Coulda, shoulda, woulda.  We all have regrets, some more then others.  It's particularly frustrating when you realize all the missed opportunities that were missed because somebody else was holding you back when their job as your parent should have been to encourage you.  

That said, you need to change your mindset.  Past a certain point, it's no longer your parents' fault.  Yes, they screwed up the foundation but by the time you are an adult it's up to you to change the trajectory.   I stopped listening to my mother as soon as I moved out of her house after grad school.  I understood I was mortgaging my sanity for less debt during the 3 grad school years when I lived with my parents.  From that moment on I did what I wanted, what was best for me.  I bought clothes she didn't approve of; I took trips; I bought cars she didn't like; I dated men she didn't know about & I got into therapy.  Obviously she still had the power to screw me up -- see the baby story above -- but I recognized all the broken pieces in her & who made her that way.  Then I did the best I could with my late start.  

You said yourself you are doing things now.  Sure maybe it would have been better if you did them 20 years ago but instead of focusing on what you missed, celebrate what you have.  Focus on the abundance not the scarcity & you will be happier all around.  You control your own destiny at this point.  Make it a good one.    

 

I'm making these years good. Hopefully, theyll be excellent. 

I went to therapy before, and the therapist said I trigger her because I look like my dad. My mom is the no dominant twin so that's also a trigger. She was the bland, unathletic twin while my aunt could literally do backflips. She just in general seems unhappy, and it seems like she wants me to be her. Let's see, she's gone to college, she eats, gains weight, and watches tv. I'm a lot more dynamic than her on a day to day basis. I just cant be her. My grandparents have their own issues with being controlling and with confirmation biases. It's like I venture outside the box they created for me, and they start being negative. 

Btw, I do many, many things she doesnt like. I take trips, too. 

Yes, it is frustrating to know things didnt happen because of someone else. Seeing happy, supportive families is my trigger. 

[FMW]

Unfortunately parents have their own issues that can't help but affect their children.  I think most of the time (of course there are exceptions) parents do the best they can, but many are dealing with their own triggers and resentments.

It's good to get your anger and resentment out, but the goal at this point should be to come to some sort of peace with it all since at this point dwelling on it only makes things even harder for you.  Not easy of course, but for your own sake that should be your focus.

Remember that what you see of other people and other families is only what they allow the rest of the world to see.  They may in reality have everything you feel you were cheated out of, but then again maybe they don't.  And even more likely is that they have other issues that you haven't even thought about.

My parents loved me and supported me emotionally and financially and always told me I could do anything I want.  I was, and am, very fortunate to have had that love and support. I'm a college graduate and working in a field I enjoy and that provides for me quite well financially.  But when I hear my mother telling others what I do she always puffs it up, sometimes to the point of being absolutely dishonest about it.  That, along with other comments along the way over the years, has left me feeling that secretly I'm a disappointment to her and didn't live up to her expectations.  Not to mention that I'm divorced and never gave her grandchildren.  And as her only child, I'm a reflection of her own accomplishments.  I'm fairly happy with my accomplishments with the exception of my failure to have a successful and lasting romantic relationship.  My mother has always been sort of a Diva and required a lot of attention and affirmation of how attractive and accomplished she is. I've realized a little late in life that early patterns of always making sure she had things her way has had a detrimental effect on my romantic relationships as an adult.  I'm way too comfortable and accepting, initially at least, with men that are not fully emotionally available because my father's attention had to be focused on her. We didn't even get to know each other very well until I was an adult and out of the house. 

I included that self-indulgent last paragraph to say that everyone has wounds from childhood, in different ways and different degrees.  My family was seen as a wonderful and close to perfect one, most people were probably jealous of that.  But as you can see I feel like I've missed out on something as well.

Keep working through your anger and resentment, but again, with the goal to come to peace with it.  Focus on what you can do now and in the future.  Holding on to the resentment and looking back is only going to slow you down from accomplishing what is possible for you from this point forward.

 

[d0nnivain]

I get it I really do.  I applaud your efforts to improve your life & I probably see more progress from here then you do up close.  Once you get out of the house you will feel a great weight fade away  

Hang in there & keep fighting for yourself.  You will eventually build the life you want.  It will be all the more sweet & the greater accomplishment because you did it despite the obstacles your mom placed in your way.   

[hotpotato]

On 9/18/2020 at 8:51 AM, ShyViolet said:

Are you sure that you really need to live with your family at this point in order to get by financially?  It sounds like it would be much healthier for you mentally to live apart from them and get your own place.  At 30 years old, it's probably time.  You need to separate yourself from them so you can start to move past all this stuff.

Yes, unfortunately, I'll have to be with them a little longer. Before lockdowns I actually barely saw them, especially my Mom. 

[Azincourt]

On 9/19/2020 at 2:10 PM, hotpotato said:

Of course, no one knows what wouldve happened. I'm not saying for sure I wouldve gone anywhere, but if I'm 30 and can still exercise 5 hrs a day, I probably wouldve been a beast in my teens. I probably was, I just didnt get the opportunities kids usually get. 

And?

I'm in my 30s. I run 20 miles a day 5 days a week. I go up and down 10th floors carrying heavy bags of groceries everyday. I've been practicing boxing and capoeira since I was 7 years old. I've been playing soccer since I gained the ability to walk upright. I've gone through serious phases in my life of body-building. Guess what, I never managed to play for Manchester United F.C or for Real Madrid F.C, nor have I been able to make substancial money from boxing or from any other martial sport. 

It's not just about being physically fit and healthy.  Innate talent in large quantities are necessary if you want to make a decent living that can allow you to not end up homeless, and to make at least a million dollars a year after taxes being taken care of? That requires huge amounts of innate talent, and the chances of you having been another Tom Brady, Cristiano Ronaldo or Alex Rodriguez are as high as my chances of marrying a Saudi Arabian Princess.

Nah, male fantasies don't pay off in the long-run. Your parents and your family cares a great deal about you if they want you to go to college, get a degree, and then finding yourself a good job. 

 

On 9/19/2020 at 2:10 PM, hotpotato said:

When I see someone do something I consider great, I dont feel like I cant. Right now I have projects I work on that others think I cant do, but I get better everyday, and I work hard.

 

That's called Grandiose delusions on a smaller scale. Young men who've never given any indication of greatness and yet they believe themselves to be able to do what the Great Gods of Sports can do(Leo Messi, Oliver Kahn, Cristiano Ronaldo, Pelé,  Maradona, Mohammed Ali etc) and why they've become eternal icons of masculine perfection.

It's good that you have projects you work on that others think you can't do, but you gotta keep your expectations on yourself low.  Most men are average in everything that they do, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's when a guy tries to reach for more than his grasp can hold that his life does a terrible turn for the worst.  

 

On 9/19/2020 at 2:10 PM, hotpotato said:

 

 

How long a career lasts depends on what someone is doing. There are dancers and circus performers whose careers last decades.  After that they go into teaching/coaching. My former ballet teacher never worked for a major company, and she's doing fine. My pole teacher has a mercedes, so she seems to be doing fine. She doubled her prices, too. They get to do what they love, and that's what I want in my life. Either that or I want a job that allows me to do what i love, which i have now. 

 

Your former ballet teacher is probably highly gifted if she worked for what,  theNew York City Ballet company?  You can't claim to have been able to do the same because you can't predict the future. You need to think about things logically. Life is expensive. Life is unstable. That includes the entertainment industry. You need to think of now.

 

On 9/19/2020 at 2:10 PM, hotpotato said:

I'm not sure if going back to college is wise. When I say I hate school, I'm not joking. I've already flunked out after being a career student once. I did well most of the time before that, but I couldn't take it anymore. 

I want to live my 30s with passion and energy. Conventional schooling has never given that to me. It's not anyone's fault, I'm just not an academic. I could take the $30k I'd spend on student loans and put it directly towards the house. Theres no need for me to sit in a class being miserable and being charged insane tuition for it. 

And I hate the dentist and I'm always there every 3 months to get my teeth cleaned and taken care of. I hate working out and I still do it. I hate a lot of things and I still do it because they're necessary to do. There are millions of people around the world who'd give everything to have the same opportunities you have to attend college. It's only 4 years, man, it's not 40 years. If you do well in college, then what's the problem?

Passion and energy. Become a stripper, then. Exotic dancers have lots of passion in their lives. Come on,  man. You're far more likely to have a decent life by having a college degree than otherwise.

[Veronica73]

This is off-topic but...running 20 miles a day 5 days a week? You’re going to ruin your feet and knees.

[hotpotato]

5 hours ago, Azincourt said:

And?

I'm in my 30s. I run 20 miles a day 5 days a week. I go up and down 10th floors carrying heavy bags of groceries everyday. I've been practicing boxing and capoeira since I was 7 years old. I've been playing soccer since I gained the ability to walk upright. I've gone through serious phases in my life of body-building. Guess what, I never managed to play for Manchester United F.C or for Real Madrid F.C, nor have I been able to make substancial money from boxing or from any other martial sport. 

It's not just about being physically fit and healthy.  Innate talent in large quantities are necessary if you want to make a decent living that can allow you to not end up homeless, and to make at least a million dollars a year after taxes being taken care of? That requires huge amounts of innate talent, and the chances of you having been another Tom Brady, Cristiano Ronaldo or Alex Rodriguez are as high as my chances of marrying a Saudi Arabian Princess.

Nah, male fantasies don't pay off in the long-run. Your parents and your family cares a great deal about you if they want you to go to college, get a degree, and then finding yourself a good job. 

 

That's called Grandiose delusions on a smaller scale. Young men who've never given any indication of greatness and yet they believe themselves to be able to do what the Great Gods of Sports can do(Leo Messi, Oliver Kahn, Cristiano Ronaldo, Pelé,  Maradona, Mohammed Ali etc) and why they've become eternal icons of masculine perfection.

It's good that you have projects you work on that others think you can't do, but you gotta keep your expectations on yourself low.  Most men are average in everything that they do, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's when a guy tries to reach for more than his grasp can hold that his life does a terrible turn for the worst.  

 

 

Your former ballet teacher is probably highly gifted if she worked for what,  theNew York City Ballet company?  You can't claim to have been able to do the same because you can't predict the future. You need to think about things logically. Life is expensive. Life is unstable. That includes the entertainment industry. You need to think of now.

 

And I hate the dentist and I'm always there every 3 months to get my teeth cleaned and taken care of. I hate working out and I still do it. I hate a lot of things and I still do it because they're necessary to do. There are millions of people around the world who'd give everything to have the same opportunities you have to attend college. It's only 4 years, man, it's not 40 years. If you do well in college, then what's the problem?

Passion and energy. Become a stripper, then. Exotic dancers have lots of passion in their lives. Come on,  man. You're far more likely to have a decent life by having a college degree than otherwise.

Like I said before, you dont need to be a pro or big timer to make money. I know people who arent pro who make money teaching. My pole teacher is driving around in a Mercedes. Most pole teachers are not world champions, and many may or may not make it out of regionals. They still make money.  My former ballet teacher never worked for major company as far as I know and makes money. I know a woman who doesnt compete in mma, and she makes money as a teacher. 

 

The money argument is silly. Most people do a sport because they love it. In fact, many sports are not lucrative at all. They do it bc they love it, and they often go into teaching. Most people, of course, will not be making millions. Most people who graduate college wont be making millions, many of them are working at Starbucks.

I'm not biting off more than I can take. I got this, thanks. And yes, 3+ hrs a day is pretty darn good. I hit 5 hrs some days.

No one knows what wouldve happened, but I'm sure I wouldve been a very good formally trained athlete had people not stood in the way. Theres nothing rare about being athletic. My dad's side is very athletic. Never shown any greatness? Who are you talking about???

Theres nothing delusional about admitting to oneself that one is a hard worker and athletic. 

 I HAATE SCHOOL. I already said I hated school several times, so that's not happening. Also, going to college doesn't guarantee anything anymore, it's not 1988. Plenty of people are unemployed with $45k in student loans hanging over their heads. I'm almost debt free, and I'm not interested in going into debt again unless it for a house. I've already been to college, flunked out because I hated being there, and still had to pay off loans. I'd rather run away and join the circus than go back to college. I was miserable from k12 through college. I'd rather just have a 'regular' job if it came to that. I'm done pumping out grades to make other people happy. Not everyone is an academic. 

I'd happily give that opportunity to go into crazy debt to someone else. No everyone has mommy and daddy paying tuition. That's why I said, "You dont pay, you dont get a say."

I'm a girl, btw. 

Actually, being a stripper would be a better profession for me. I actually do pole fitness already. When the studio reopens I'll take professional twerk lessons, too. 

Life is unstable. I have a lot of leeway and freedom in my life bc I dont have kids and a man. I can be adventurous. I can do what I want as long as it's in the budget. No one is depending on me. I do not want the standard life, college degree, 9 to 5 job I cant stand. Maybe when I'm 50, 60, 70, but now? Hell, no.

[hotpotato]

7 hours ago, Azincourt said:

And?

I'm in my 30s. I run 20 miles a day 5 days a week. I go up and down 10th floors carrying heavy bags of groceries everyday. I've been practicing boxing and capoeira since I was 7 years old. I've been playing soccer since I gained the ability to walk upright. I've gone through serious phases in my life of body-building. Guess what, I never managed to play for Manchester United F.C or for Real Madrid F.C, nor have I been able to make substancial money from boxing or from any other martial sport. 

It's not just about being physically fit and healthy.  Innate talent in large quantities are necessary if you want to make a decent living that can allow you to not end up homeless, and to make at least a million dollars a year after taxes being taken care of? That requires huge amounts of innate talent, and the chances of you having been another Tom Brady, Cristiano Ronaldo or Alex Rodriguez are as high as my chances of marrying a Saudi Arabian Princess.

Nah, male fantasies don't pay off in the long-run. Your parents and your family cares a great deal about you if they want you to go to college, get a degree, and then finding yourself a good job. 

 

That's called Grandiose delusions on a smaller scale. Young men who've never given any indication of greatness and yet they believe themselves to be able to do what the Great Gods of Sports can do(Leo Messi, Oliver Kahn, Cristiano Ronaldo, Pelé,  Maradona, Mohammed Ali etc) and why they've become eternal icons of masculine perfection.

It's good that you have projects you work on that others think you can't do, but you gotta keep your expectations on yourself low.  Most men are average in everything that they do, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's when a guy tries to reach for more than his grasp can hold that his life does a terrible turn for the 

 

And I hate the dentist and I'm always there every 3 months to get my teeth cleaned and taken care of. I hate working out and I still do it

Then go to the dentist almost every week, several days a week for several hours and get back to me. Most people can do something they hate in small amounts. Most people do not want to be miserable and unhappy for 4 years straight. Actually, many people dont graduate in four years if at all. Not everyone is an academic, and that's ok. Some people dislike traditional school, and that is ok. Everyone has their own likes, dislikes, and opinions. 

I did well in school, and I was miserable and depressed. I already learned my lesson about doing well in something I dont like. No one cares how you feel, you are expected to suck it up and pump out grades like a machine because that's what other people want. People expect more and more and more regardless of how one feels on the inside. I will never again get good at something I hate.

Edited September 25, 2020 by hotpotato

[hotpotato]

On 9/19/2020 at 8:37 AM, Ruby_Red said:

@hotpotato 

It sounds like you’ve got a job that you love, if I read that correctly. That’s great! Why bother with more school, when you’ve already established for yourself that that’s not the right path for you? You don’t like the academic environment. So keep doing what you’re doing. Without more academics. Doesn’t matter if you were tested gifted in school. Many are. That doesn’t define their future, though. I’m sure there are quite a few plumbers or carpenters out there who were on the honors roll in middle school, and they still decided not to go to college, and they probably make more now than your typical academic graduate. 

As far as your parents are concerned. Yes, it sucks if we believe they didn’t support us in the way we wanted them to when we were young. But unfortunately, you can’t change them, and most of all, you can’t change the past. You gotta work with what you have in the present. Maybe talk to them about it once. Let it all out. Tell them why you feel they did you wrong. Just to put it all out there. Maybe you have shared your frustration with them in the past, I don’t know. But a conversation where you get a chance to do most of the talking and explaining so they can better understand you might help you find a better emotional balance and get rid of most of your anger. Just do it once, but be as clear as possible. 

I need to tell that to my family- testing gifted doesnt mean someone will turn out any particular way. I actually dont like for people to think I'm smart and esp not gifted bc I dont like the stereotypes. This is not something I go around bragging about. I mention it bc I really think it poisoned their minds. They really put me in a box bc I was perceived as the smart one. They treat me very differently than other kids. 

Everything is fine on the job front. My job is exactly what I need. I'm very grateful for it.

I think my mom is kind of starting to get it. I had to drop to the floor into the splits to shut her up. She's very convinced that I just cant do things, but also I shouldn't take classes or practice, so go figure. (I know theres more to dance than splits. I danced at a studio. ). My grandma has many of the same issues. She's more lowkey controlling. She has many of the same issues as my mom. Grandma has Hope's and dreams for me and doesnt care how I feel. She has serious projection and confirmation biases. I'll probably have to do some kind of move in front of her to make her stop being negative. 

You cant plan out someone's life bc they were a certain way at 12 years old. 

 

[Ellener]

On 9/14/2020 at 10:08 AM, hotpotato said:

So much of my potential was wasted.

Nothing's ever wasted. 

You became who you are today because of everything which happened yesterday.

'Everything you do is Zen. Once you understand this walking, sitting, even lying down is all then Zen.' Bodhidarma

[hotpotato]

On 9/25/2020 at 7:09 AM, Azincourt said:

And?

I'm in my 30s. I run 20 miles a day 5 days a week. I go up and down 10th floors carrying heavy bags of groceries everyday. I've been practicing boxing and capoeira since I was 7 years old. I've been playing soccer since I gained the ability to walk upright. I've gone through serious phases in my life of body-building. Guess what, I never managed to play for Manchester United F.C or for Real Madrid F.C, nor have I been able to make substancial money from boxing or from any other martial sport. 

I

Why did you do those things as a child? Because YOUR PARENTS WERE SUPPORTIVE. They didn't try to make you sit down, be still, and do that homework like mine did. I asked to be put in stuff, and my family laughed in my face and refused to let me do it. I couldve sat here and said i started break dancing at age 12, I started running track at age 11, did ballet and gymnastics around the same time, but I wasn't allowed to! Most parents dont worry about whether or not their kid is going to go pro. They put the child in sport because the child is active, and it makes them happy.  Yes, i did say i wanted to break dance as a child. If youre gonna play formal sports as a minor, you need your parents support. Your parents have to drive you, they have to pay for stuff, and they have to sign waivers. My mom hated me being fit and active so much, that she took me to a doctor and accused me of being anorexic. See, i was exercising in that time between when school got out and when she got off work, and she needed to regain control. That is the essence of my complaint. I was deprived of experiences in a timely manner because they are trying to control who i am as a person. I use the present tense, bc they still do it. In a way it's frustrating to be doing these things at my age and to find out im pretty good. I'm tired of people trying to make me sit down, shut up, and be something im not.