Is this a red flag? Accusing me of not giving enough compliments)

[Irridescent]

14 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Think of him saying this is a calm and sign voice

This was his main argument - that he didn't mean to come across as aggressive either but I really think that's more of a cop-out after realizing he f***ed up. There was no way to read his message in a calm way.

 

13 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

It’s her interpretation...not what he said

If you want the text word by word I can transcribe it here: You are terrible in maintaining basic human skills and even worse in giving people compliments from time to time. It's pathetic.

Not sure there are many ways of interpreting that... 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Irridescent said:

Yes I have complimented him in person, I'm just not an avid texter, but he's always sending me good morning messages and gifs etc.. I just find it exhausting to be honest and I've told him that. Also I'm not much into PDA, so I can come off as cold in public but when it's just the two of us I've been very affectionate. I honestly think that we have different styles and they are incompatible and he needs to accept that. 

 

You dnt like him saying good morning every day and you don’t do any PDAs.

 

you need to change because it will turn off prop,e no matter who you date.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Irridescent said:

This was his main argument - that he didn't mean to come across as aggressive either but I really think that's more of a cop-out after realizing he f***ed up. There was no way to read his message in a calm way.

 

If you want the text word by word I can transcribe it here: You are terrible in maintaining basic human skills and even worse in giving people compliments from time to time. It's pathetic.

Not sure there are many ways of interpreting that... 

 

 

From my experirnce ehrn you only hear one one side of a story it’s likrly different than what’s really going on.  I respect peop,e more if they can admit they made some mistakes too.

 

in that text comment you basically mocked what he did.  This might not have been  the first time you did things like this with him.  You can’t accept your fault in this.

 

you appear to have really communication problems in relationships in sharing how you feel. PDAs are important in this.  PDAs are broad...I’m not talking of frenching in public, but ehrn together do you touch him, cuddle/suggke/get close to him?   Have you wondered about your facial expression is showing.

 

 

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, Irridescent said:

I expressed my feelings about how I was shocked that he just went back to normal as if nothing happened.

He said "it was just a small argument I figured we both needed time to cool off and it was fine".

He then said that he really didn't mean to hurt me and that he thinks it's a shame that we end things over a miscommunication - that he cares a lot etc..

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I told him that we clearly don't expect the same things from each other and this will always be a problem - our communication styles are different , we are just not a good fit.

He basically didn't agree and said that he would like us to meet up again at least to have this conversation in person,

I won't have time for the next 2 weeks and that I have made up my mind. He still insisted we meet up when I return.

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It's always difficult for me to close the door shut when I try to break up nicely with someone but they just insist that we can work things out. I know that after this I am really not interested in pursuing something with him but I can't seem to get him to accept this and he knows where I live so blocking him would not be an option. How can I make it clear that this it it for me??? 

He's basically showing you that he is controlling--he messed up big time, he clearly doesn't care enough for you to take responsibility for it or apologize for it and when you tell him he now stands outside of your boundaries, he wants to steamroll what he wants onto you as if you have no right or agency to determine who is allowed in your life.

Just keep telling him no and block his calls. If he shows up at your door, call the police.

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, Irridescent said:

If you want the text word by word I can transcribe it here: You are terrible in maintaining basic human skills and even worse in giving people compliments from time to time. It's pathetic.

Not sure there are many ways of interpreting that..

There is not a tone of voice known to man that will make that ok to say to someone else, especially someone you're trying to get to know and who you claim you "care about". No, he revealed exactly what he is when he said that and you are wise to not want anyone esteeming you, let alone talking to you in that manner.

[Azincourt]

There's nothing wrong with the way OP expresses herself, in a relationship. She doesn't care for public displays of affection. Me neither. Never enjoyed holding hands with a girlfriend, in public. My legs work fine, I don't need someone to stabilize my core for me.

[Fletch Lives]

On 9/13/2020 at 12:10 PM, Irridescent said:

but he continued saying that my humour is stupid and that I've got issues. 

Today he's texting me as if nothing happened and I see this as a major red flag. My instinct is telling me to run.. what are your thoughts?

 - he's saying you have issues but he's the one with issues.

For a person to be a good catch, they must have a good attitude and not to much emotional baggage. Obviously, he comes up short in this area.

Your gut is telling you to run. It's not lyin'!

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

 

From my experirnce ehrn you only hear one one side of a story it’s likrly different than what’s really going on.  I respect peop,e more if they can admit they made some mistakes too.

in that text comment you basically mocked what he did.  This might not have been  the first time you did things like this with him.  You can’t accept your fault in this.

you appear to have really communication problems in relationships in sharing how you feel. PDAs are important in this.  PDAs are broad...I’m not talking of frenching in public, but ehrn together do you touch him, cuddle/suggke/get close to him?   Have you wondered about your facial expression is showing.

 

 

There is nothing wrong with the OP's preferences, Ami1uwant. And she certainly doesn't have any problems in relationships overall, sharing how she feels. Most people are uncomfortable with public PDA. Maybe you're not Ami1uwant. Maybe you're the type of person who can tongue their partner in broad daylight and gropes them without a care in the world. That's your PDA preference, not the OP's. 

And she didn't mock the guy in her text either. You conveniently forgot that she added a smiley emoji after what she wrote to provide context, and show it was written as a way to tease him. 

His overreaction was completely inappropriate and what he said to the OP was totally uncalled for. He clearly has a hair-trigger temper. And, that type of person is not someone safe to date. Because you never know what will set them off. So, you have to walk on egg shells around them. Basically, hair trigger temeraments are volatile, emotionally manipulative and physically abusive to their partners. 

 

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

You dnt like him saying good morning every day and you don’t do any PDAs.

 

you need to change because it will turn off prop,e no matter who you date.

That's just ridiculous. She does not need to change her style of communication at ALL. She is incompatible with this guy. So, she is better off finding a guy whose temperament is closer to her style. 

Not everyone likes to text and openly grope or tongue their partner in public. Maybe you do. But that's YOUR preference. The OP is allowed to have her own preferences. She certainly doesn't have to change to get your approval. My god. 

 

[elaine567]

I believe he built up resentment over the bantering and the lack of PDA, and discharged it over the meal comment.
Last straw.
This is very unlikely to work out well for either of you.
Walk away.

[Watercolors]

3 hours ago, Irridescent said:

This was his main argument - that he didn't mean to come across as aggressive either but I really think that's more of a cop-out after realizing he f***ed up. There was no way to read his message in a calm way.

 

If you want the text word by word I can transcribe it here: You are terrible in maintaining basic human skills and even worse in giving people compliments from time to time. It's pathetic.

Not sure there are many ways of interpreting that... 

Of course he was deflecting. He doesn't think he was wrong, so he's deflecting. He realized after-the-fact that you have higher self-esteem than he thought, because you didn't cave in to his hair trigger response by apologizing (you have nothing to apologize for, either). He is too immature and too petty to genuinely apologize. In fact, he never should have said what he said to you, in the first place. I would have walked away at that point, myself, had a guy texted what he texted to you. 

I think you two are incompatible. He's got a hair-trigger temperament and reacts with volatility instead of civility. I frankly think you deserve to be with a man who is far more mature. This guy? He's a punk. 

[Crazelnut]

Stop trying to break up nicely. He's trying to control the situation. If he asks to see you, tell him no it's pointless. After 2 such conversations, block him.

[Watercolors]

There are 5 types of couples according to The Gottman Institute. 

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-5-couple-types/

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1. Conflict Avoiders

Conflict avoiders minimize persuasion attempts and instead emphasize their areas of common ground. They avoid conflict, avoid expressing what they need from one another, and congratulate their relationship for being generally happy. An important aspect about conflict-avoiding couples is in the balance between independence and interdependence. They have clear boundaries and are separate people with separate interests.

This is not to denigrate the quality of the areas where they meet and depend on one another. They can be quite connected and caring in those areas of overlap where they are interdependent. While they are minimally emotionally expressive, they maintain a ratio of positive-to-negative affect around five to one. Their SPAFF (Specific Affect Coding System) weighting is not overly positive, but not bad at all. Their interaction is good enough for them.

2. Volatile Couples

Almost the exact opposite of conflict avoiders, volatile couples are intensely emotional. During a conflict discussion, they begin persuasion immediately and they stick to it throughout the discussion. Their debating is characterized by a lot of laughter, shared amusement, and humor. They seem to love to debate and argue, but they are not disrespectful and insulting.

Their positive-to-negative ratio? Five to one.

While there may be a lot of negative affect expressed, including anger and feelings of insecurity, but no contempt. They have no clear boundaries around their individual worlds, and there is enormous overlap. While they have to argue a great deal about their roles, they emphasize connection and honesty in their communication.

3. Validating Couples

The interaction of these couples is characterized by ease and calm. They are somewhat expressive but mostly neutral. In many ways, they seem to be intermediate between avoiders and the volatile couples. They put a lot of emphasis on supporting and understanding their partner’s point of view, and are often empathetic about their partner’s feelings.

They will confront their differences, but only on some topics and not on others. They can become highly competitive on some issues, which can turn into a power struggle. Then they usually calm down and compromise. During conflict, validating couples are only mildly emotionally expressive. Once again, the ratio of positive-to-negative affect for validators averaged around five to one.

4. Hostile Couples

Hostile couples are like validating couples, except there are high levels of defensiveness on the part of both partners. In research from the Love Lab with heterosexual couples, the husband was usually the validator and the wife was the avoider. That was based on influence function shapes, which you can learn more about in Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love.

There was also a lot of criticism, “you always” and “you never” statements, and whining. During conflict, each partner reiterated their own perspective, and no support or understanding appeared between partners for either person’s point of view. There was lots of contempt. All Four Horsemen were present.

5. Hostile-Detached Couples

These couples are like two armies engaged in a mutually frustrating and lonely standoff with no clear victor, only a stalemate. They snipe at one another during conflict, although the air is full of emotional detachment and resignation, like gun smoke.

In the Love Lab, we found that escalating conflict will occur between two validators, but then one of them will back down. But will the volatile let the validator withdraw? Absolutely not.

 

 

 

Edited September 15, 2020 by Watercolors

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, Watercolors said:

There is nothing wrong with the OP's preferences, Ami1uwant. And she certainly doesn't have any problems in relationships overall, sharing how she feels. Most people are uncomfortable with public PDA. Maybe you're not Ami1uwant. Maybe you're the type of person who can tongue their partner in broad daylight and gropes them without a care in the world. That's your PDA preference, not the OP's. 

And she didn't mock the guy in her text either. You conveniently forgot that she added a smiley emoji after what she wrote to provide context, and show it was written as a way to tease him. 

His overreaction was completely inappropriate and what he said to the OP was totally uncalled for. He clearly has a hair-trigger temper. And, that type of person is not someone safe to date. Because you never know what will set them off. So, you have to walk on egg shells around them. Basically, hair trigger temeraments are volatile, emotionally manipulative and physically abusive to their partners. 

 

That's just ridiculous. She does not need to change her style of communication at ALL. She is incompatible with this guy. So, she is better off finding a guy whose temperament is closer to her style. 

Not everyone likes to text and openly grope or tongue their partner in public. Maybe you do. But that's YOUR preference. The OP is allowed to have her own preferences. She certainly doesn't have to change to get your approval. My god. 

 

By your logic then...hi a$$#@&(     so I’m good because I put a smiley face on it.

 

some things sre not funny even if you put a smiley.   It’s not aget out of jail free card.

 

like I said she might have stirred the pot on this a few other times. If he was frustrated watching his nephew thrn this snapped him to respond how he did.

 

some people confuse PDAs with how they are with the person in the house with just those two.  I’m certain there are other things she does that made him question what she thinks of this.

 

comunication is important and she does not know how to communicate if she relies on texts.

 

 

 

 

[poppyfields]

27 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

...like I said she might have stirred the pot on this a few other times. If he was frustrated watching his nephew thrn this snapped him to respond how he did.

If this is true and he was so frustrated, after only 21 days and five dates, for the love of pete, just end it!

Early stages are for determining if you're the right fit for each other and if not you wish each other well and walk away.

Again, if he was so fed up and frustrated after only 21 days, then that is precisely what he should have done. 

Berating her the way he did was just so wrong on so many levels, I am gobsmacked that you believe it was okay, shocked. 

Edited September 15, 2020 by poppyfields

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

If this is true and he was so frustrated, after only 21 days and five dates, for the love of pete, just end it!

Early stages are for determining if you're the right fit for each other and if not you wish each other well and walk away.

Again, if he was so fed up and frustrated after only 21 days, then that is precisely what he should have done. 

Berating her the way he did was just so wrong on so many levels, I am gobsmacked that you believe it was okay, shocked. 

I’m not saying it was ok...never said that.  It’s two sided and likely provoked from prior stuff.  

 

 

[Trail Blazer]

Wow.  Some of you people are a bunch of snowflakes.  It was a joke!

If a chick replied like OP did to me, I'd respond with something like, "Yeah?  Well, why don't you come over to my house for dinner.  You'll be getting into my bed hungry... then I'll feed you something you might like!" 

But hey, I'm sure my crass twist on what you'd describe as an "insult" would also be considered even poorer form. *SMH*

@Irridescent you did nothing wrong.  Repeat, NOTHING wrong!  You sound like my kind of gal.  Which is why you need to let this guy go and have nothing more to do with him.  He sounds like a fruitloop.

[Trail Blazer]

2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

By your logic then...hi a$$#@&(     so I’m good because I put a smiley face on it.

 

some things sre not funny even if you put a smiley.   It’s not aget out of jail free card.

 

like I said she might have stirred the pot on this a few other times. If he was frustrated watching his nephew thrn this snapped him to respond how he did.

 

some people confuse PDAs with how they are with the person in the house with just those two.  I’m certain there are other things she does that made him question what she thinks of this.

 

comunication is important and she does not know how to communicate if she relies on texts.

 

 

 

 

I don't know how you can justify ANY of the behaviors this guy exhibited.  Unless, of course, you too are somebody who can't take a joke and gets triggered any time you're not complimented.

I wholeheartedly agree with @Watercolors here.  This guy is unhinged.  To snap like that shows he is the kind of person who cannot keep his emotions in check.  It's HIM who is the one who can't communicate well.  He's a future abuser, IMO.

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, Irridescent said:

If you want the text word by word I can transcribe it here: You are terrible in maintaining basic human skills and even worse in giving people compliments from time to time. It's pathetic.

Not sure there are many ways of interpreting that... 

No. There aren't many ways of interpreting that.

And if he was right about that (if you really were terrible at maintaining basic human skills and had repeatedly hurt him so deeply that it justified his reaction), the right thing for him to do would have been to end things with you. Under those circumstances (his being right and your being wrong), you would be doing him a huge favor by running for the hills.

Edited September 15, 2020 by Acacia98

[mortensorchid]

Bipolar.  Run.

[basil67]

Bipolar???   What do you base your diagnosis on Dr Mortensorchid?

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Bipolar???   What do you base your diagnosis on Dr Mortensorchid?

Agreed. There is zero evidence to suggest anyone involved is Bipolar. 

OP, for whatever your or any other posters' preferences are in terms of jokes, PDA, and the like - it's clear you and this guy are not a match. 

[Wiseman2]

On 9/15/2020 at 8:59 AM, Irridescent said:

he knows where I live so blocking him would not be an option. 

This is nonsense. You seem to want to drag it out for whatever reason. But he is not going to change and this will repeat itself. Take your time to reflect and talk to trusted friends and family about the wisdom of dating someone like this when you can cut your losses so easily now. 

[Irridescent]

Update: we met in a public setting yesterday and spoke about it in person. He told me that I'm only focusing on the small negative point rather than on everything that's right, how we are compatible in so many ways and that no relationship is 100% perfect. I made it clear that my internal alarm signals are ringing and that I know this is just not going to work. He said that I'm not a fortune teller and I can't pretend to know everything... This was the last straw and I said that I need to follow my instincts and he needs to respect that. So it's done. Thanks for all the support on this forum because he really is the typical "nice guy who is controlling" and had I not had all these people validating my thoughts I might have caved into his "we can make this work" speech. 

End of a chapter!

[Watercolors]

56 minutes ago, Irridescent said:

had I not had all these people validating my thoughts I might have caved into his "we can make this work" speech. 

End of a chapter!

Good girl!! Always follow your instinct! Men like him will say and do anything to make you second guess yourself. Glad you did not fall for that behavior this time. He is not a good guy. You will find a better guy next time who is right for you; who respects you; who is more compatible with you. Do not let him talk his way back into your life. He'll definitely try. But today is a victory for you. So, don't give in to any bread crumbs he throws your way via text msg in the form of apologies, compliments, future talk, or promises. Because those are just ploys on his part to get you to second guess yourself and go back to him. 

[kendahke]

12 hours ago, Irridescent said:

He said that I'm not a fortune teller and I can't pretend to know everything...

You don't have to know everything--you just have to know yourself and you do--he doesn't. Controlling git.

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This was the last straw and I said that I need to follow my instincts and he needs to respect that. So it's done.

Well done.