Is this a red flag? Accusing me of not giving enough compliments)

[ExpatInItaly]

I can understand why he didn't appreciate your "joke"; it was rude, and probably getting tiresome if he felt you typically defaulted to jokes and sarcasm rather than offering a genuine compliment sometimes. However, he over-reacted and was rude himself, and yes, the way he handled it is a red flag. 

I don't think I'd keep seeing him. 

And I'd rethink how and when I employ sarcastic jokes, too. 

[Dork Vader]

16 hours ago, Irridescent said:

I've been getting to know this guy for the past 3 weeks, we've had about 5 dates and it was going well. Since day 1 we have always had playful banter, and he texted me yesterday with a photo of the meal he prepared for his nephew and I answered "poor thing is going to go to bed hungry ;)". He responded a bit negatively to which I answered: "oh come on I was just joking it looks great!" and he replied with a very aggressive text saying that I severely lack basic human skills and that it's pathetic that I can't even compliment someone from time to time.

I was really surprised by this sudden reaction but I also found his tone very agressive so I answered that I was sorry if I offended him, but he continued saying that my humour is stupid and that I've got issues. 

Today he's texting me as if nothing happened and I see this as a major red flag. My instinct is telling me to run.. what are your thoughts?

You need to decide whether or not that is a red flag for you. Some people won't take issue with that kind of behavior other people will. It's ultimately for you to decide. I personally think it's a bit of a red flag. I can understand that trash joking can hurt peoples feelings and provoke a negative response. But getting angry about it, no. I would simply say hey, that hurt my feelings or ask if they are joking.. I would not insult the person and say their jokes are stupid. 

[basil67]

I think Dork Vader summed it up nicely.   I certainly wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of someone who gave frequent put downs, but I'd be more likely to tell you them how I feel without blowing up.   Or simply dump them.   But either way, blowing up about it isn't cool.  

For this to work out, you both need to change.  

[d0nnivain]

3 weeks. . .& already this communication problem.  Don't let this progress to 4 weeks. 

Sarcasm doesn't work over text.  It just doesn't.  It's why texting is such a lousy form of communication. 

Your "joke" hurt his feelings & he snapped.  Problem is he escalated.  For him to be aggressive & to accuse you of not having basic human to human skills was too much.  He compounded your error.  If he had responded that you hurt his feelings I'd say you were in the wrong but he went too far. 

I think you two aren't a good match.  He doesn't "get" your caustic sense of humor but he also has a bit of a hair trigger.  

 

[Irridescent]

Thank you all for the insight. I did immediately realise that I was in the wrong and that's why I apologised to him and said that I didn't mean to hurt his feelings. I also understand that I should probably keep the banter for face-to-face interactions where body language can help convey a message and maybe just be nicer by text. 

I am glad that many people do agree though that his reaction was questionable and that it's good enough of a reason to back-off. It's a shame because in the 5 times we met we had a really nice dynamic and seemed to be on the same wavelength for many things.

[Azincourt]

What?? Why are you apologizing for? You don't owe him an apology, it's him who is in the wrong here. Do you want to have a relationship where a guy treats you like this and then expects you to apologize him for the way he treats you?

You're setting yourself up for a terrible relationship if you stay with this guy in your life.

Quote

. It's a shame because in the 5 times we met we had a really nice dynamic and seemed to be on the same wavelength for many things.

Most people put their best foot forward when they are interested in dating someone. You need at least 6 months to 1 year dating someone to really figure out how someone is as a person, as a boyfriend, as someone you want to share your life is.

It's alright. There's literaly billions of men in the world, millions of men around, and plenty more men for you to meet. This guy is nothing special to shed a tear for kicking out of your life.

[SumGuy]

3 hours ago, Azincourt said:

What?? Why are you apologizing for? You don't owe him an apology, it's him who is in the wrong here. Do you want to have a relationship where a guy treats you like this and then expects you to apologize him for the way he treats you?

You're setting yourself up for a terrible relationship if you stay with this guy in your life.

Most people put their best foot forward when they are interested in dating someone. You need at least 6 months to 1 year dating someone to really figure out how someone is as a person, as a boyfriend, as someone you want to share your life is.

It's alright. There's literaly billions of men in the world, millions of men around, and plenty more men for you to meet. This guy is nothing special to shed a tear for kicking out of your life.

Seconded.

@Irridescent As to your actual comment, I noticed you used a winky emoji at the end.

Quote

I answered "poor thing is going to go to bed hungry ". 

So he should have picked up on this as teasing, and if he was getting disturbed that all your comments are in this vein their is nothing fundamentally wrong with that, some people love such banter especially when it is paired with intimacy.

So it's not his cup of tea; but he was not regulated enough to communicate like an adult, rather he had to blame you for not conforming to his view of the world and elevates his view to the only view to thus get all self righteous, talk down to you and insult you.  If this is how he handles such a little thing and how easily he is triggered watch out.  Instead of communicating that he understands you are teasing but that for him the teasing all the time wears thin and he does love some straight forward compliments.

It does worry me big time that he acted normal after as to me this signals he thinks this is perfectly OK how you treat another person and he was justified in acting this way and expects you to just take it.

Edited September 14, 2020 by SumGuy

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, Azincourt said:

What?? Why are you apologizing for? You don't owe him an apology, it's him who is in the wrong here.

Irridescent -- I applaud you for realizing that your teasing hurt him & apologizing for that. As discussed he didn't handle his response well & over-reacted.   His over reaction is why you two need to part company 

[JRabbit]

Banter or not, his response was over the top and borderline psycho.  She apologized and said it was a joke, it wasn't even mean and was clearly a joke if he sent her a photo of a lovely meal.

The key is his immediate response to attack the OP about how she never compliments blah blah. Either he has a pent up annoyance about her already or he is just attacking her because he is raging.  Both are not good. If it bothered him about your lack of compliments perhaps he should have brought it up to you.

Sounds like just another guy who wants to be oohd and aahhd over because he has low self esteem or no idea how to treat a woman. 

Huge red flag to me, personally I would end it and never look back. The fact is the relationship is still so new, he really should be treating you his best right now and clearly his best ain't all that great.

 

[Azincourt]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Irridescent -- I applaud you for realizing that your teasing hurt him & apologizing for that. As discussed he didn't handle his response well & over-reacted.   His over reaction is why you two need to part company 

They need to part company as fast as possible or this will become a cycle.

He messes up in any way or shape, he makes a huge drama, she apologizes and makes peace offerings because she wants him to stop being the way he's being, as she wants him to bo back to being caring and loving and nurturing as he was before.

It's toxic relationship.

[d0nnivain]

14 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

They need to part company as fast as possible or this will become a cycle.

He messes up in any way or shape, he makes a huge drama, she apologizes and makes peace offerings because she wants him to stop being the way he's being, as she wants him to bo back to being caring and loving and nurturing as he was before.

It's toxic relationship.

I agree they need to be apart because of his over-reaction.  I just think too many people fail to take responsibility for their own part in any misunderstanding.  Thus, I support the OPs sense of integrity & overall kindness.  Neither of those obligate her to stick around with this guy with the hair trigger but to the extent that she gains insight into the fact that not everybody appreciates sarcasm or her kind of humor she may be ahead of the game in terms of ordering her own behavior.  

[Ruby Slippers]

On 9/13/2020 at 11:10 AM, Irridescent said:

He responded a bit negatively to which I answered: "oh come on I was just joking it looks great!" and he replied with a very aggressive text saying that I severely lack basic human skills and that it's pathetic that I can't even compliment someone from time to time.

I was really surprised by this sudden reaction but I also found his tone very agressive so I answered that I was sorry if I offended him, but he continued saying that my humour is stupid and that I've got issues. 

Yeah, after 3 weeks, I wouldn't continue with this guy.

It's a good thing he showed you this side of himself so soon. It's harder when the ugly side takes a few months to come out after you've already bonded.

[Azincourt]

Better learn early into a relationship how someone really is than spending 3 years with that person and having tied your life with hers only to find out that that's not the person you fell in love with.

[kismetkismet]

I think it's possible that he didn't actually enjoy the 'banter' all along, and something about the most recent dig threw him over the edge. BUT, him saying you lack basic human skills, calling you pathetic, and then pretending nothing happened is way over the top.

I'd walk away from this one, but also go easy on the negative banter with the next guy. It sets you up for a lot of unnecessary tension and confusion. 

Edited September 14, 2020 by kismetkismet

[Ami1uwant]

On 9/13/2020 at 12:10 PM, Irridescent said:

I've been getting to know this guy for the past 3 weeks, we've had about 5 dates and it was going well. Since day 1 we have always had playful banter, and he texted me yesterday with a photo of the meal he prepared for his nephew and I answered "poor thing is going to go to bed hungry ;)". He responded a bit negatively to which I answered: "oh come on I was just joking it looks great!" and he replied with a very aggressive text saying that I severely lack basic human skills and that it's pathetic that I can't even compliment someone from time to time.

I was really surprised by this sudden reaction but I also found his tone very agressive so I answered that I was sorry if I offended him, but he continued saying that my humour is stupid and that I've got issues. 

Today he's texting me as if nothing happened and I see this as a major red flag. My instinct is telling me to run.. what are your thoughts?

Any text message can be interpreted two very different ways depending on reader bias or mood..

 

you are interpretting his response as agressive when it might nit might not have been.

 

have you comp,rmrnted him at any time in this? Did you expect it or got ones from him?

 

 

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Any text message can be interpreted two very different ways depending on reader bias or mood..

you are interpretting his response as agressive when it might not have been.

That's true but in this case, not quite sure how one can misinterpret being called pathetic and stupid.  

That's verbal abuse imo, which is aggressive even if spoken (or texted) in a gentle, non-aggressive manner.

Edited September 14, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

OP, at only three weeks in, five dates, this relationship should be a non-starter for you.   

Please tell us you're closing the door on this? 

Even if he considered what you said rude, or was tired of the banter and lack of compliments, that is no excuse for him to lash out the way he did, with the verbal attacks.  

How does this not turn you totally off?  

Please explore that otherwise you might find yourself involved in an abusive relationship with a man who believes it's his right to treat women that way. 

All the best.  xo

Edited September 14, 2020 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

On 9/13/2020 at 12:10 PM, Irridescent said:

I've been getting to know this guy for the past 3 weeks, we've had about 5 dates

Yes, run . You have been dating 21 days and already all this drama? . You're not cut out for each other you are incompatible.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

That's true but in this case, not quite sure how one can misinterpret being called pathetic and stupid.  

That's verbal abuse imo, which is aggressive even if spoken (or texted) in a gentle, non-aggressive manner.

We do t know everything so I’m not going side with her because it’s her version.

 

he could have said stuff to her previously in a nice way.  

 

Think of him saying this is a calm and sign voice...  he did not say she was..but this was. There is a difference.

[poppyfields]

 

32 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

We do t know everything so I’m not going side with her because it’s her version.

he could have said stuff to her previously in a nice way.  

Think of him saying this is a calm and sign voice...  he did not say she was..but this was. There is a difference.

Well she quoted him in her original post:

>>"He responded a bit negatively to which I answered: "oh come on I was just joking it looks great!" and he replied with a very aggressive text saying that I severely lack basic human skills and that it's pathetic that I can't even compliment someone from time to time.

I was really surprised by this sudden reaction but I also found his tone very agressive so I answered that I was sorry if I offended him, but he continued saying that my humour is stupid and that I've got issues. "<<

Well you're wrong on the first bolded - he accused "her" of severely lacking basic human skills and called it (her) pathetic, but right on the second - he called her "humour" stupid. 

However, let's forget the semantics, shall we?  These were verbal attacks on her and her character and simply not acceptable EVER.

You cannot possibly believe this is okay, I'm shocked if you do.  

They've had only five dates for goodness sakes, she needs to leave.  Like yesterday!  

Edited September 14, 2020 by poppyfields

[Crazelnut]

Don't back away or fade out or be wishy washy. Break up with him. Tell him it's not going to work and goodbye. 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

 

Well she quoted him in her original post:

>>"He responded a bit negatively to which I answered: "oh come on I was just joking it looks great!" and he replied with a very aggressive text saying that I severely lack basic human skills and that it's pathetic that I can't even compliment someone from time to time.

I was really surprised by this sudden reaction but I also found his tone very agressive so I answered that I was sorry if I offended him, but he continued saying that my humour is stupid and that I've got issues. "<<

Well you're wrong on the first bolded - he accused "her" of severely lacking basic human skills and called it (her) pathetic, but right on the second - he called her "humour" stupid. 

However, let's forget the semantics, shall we?  These were verbal attacks on her and her character and simply not acceptable EVER.

You cannot possibly believe this is okay, I'm shocked if you do.  

They've had only five dates for goodness sakes, she needs to leave.  Like yesterday!  

It’s her interpretation...not what he said

 

whst did she do to start this? Mock what he shared?

 

 

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

It’s her interpretation...not what he said

whst did she do to start this? Mock what he shared?

 

I don't mean to sound rude, but I'm not interested in debating semantics with you or "her" interpretation. 

You are entitled to your opinion, as am I, as is everyone, the majority of whom believe his words were unacceptable, a ginormous red flag, and she needs to leave. 

So let's just leave it at that and agree to disagree.  

Edited September 15, 2020 by poppyfields

[Irridescent]

So many insightful comments, I can't quote all of them but thank you all for sharing your thoughts.

I asked him if we could have a call and over the call I expressed my feelings about how I was shocked that he just went back to normal as if nothing happened. He said "it was just a small argument I figured we both needed time to cool off and it was fine". So I told him that arguments happen and that's not a problem, but what is a major red flag is the way he reacted to it and how instead of trying to resolve the issue with constructive comments he attacked who I was as a person and didn't even apologize after.

He then said that he really didn't mean to hurt me and that he thinks it's a shame that we end things over a miscommunication - that he cares a lot etc.. I told him that we clearly don't expect the same things from each other and this will always be a problem - our communication styles are different and it doesn't mean that either is right or wrong, we are just not a good fit. He basically didn't agree and said that he would like us to meet up again at least to have this conversation in person, but I won't have time for the next 2 weeks and that I have made up my mind. He still insisted we meet up when I return.

It's always difficult for me to close the door shut when I try to break up nicely with someone but they just insist that we can work things out. I know that after this I am really not interested in pursuing something with him but I can't seem to get him to accept this and he knows where I live so blocking him would not be an option. How can I make it clear that this it it for me??? 

[Irridescent]

16 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

have you comp,rmrnted him at any time in this? Did you expect it or got ones from him?

 

Yes I have complimented him in person, I'm just not an avid texter, but he's always sending me good morning messages and gifs etc.. I just find it exhausting to be honest and I've told him that. Also I'm not much into PDA, so I can come off as cold in public but when it's just the two of us I've been very affectionate. I honestly think that we have different styles and they are incompatible and he needs to accept that.