Irridescent Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 I've been getting to know this guy for the past 3 weeks, we've had about 5 dates and it was going well. Since day 1 we have always had playful banter, and he texted me yesterday with a photo of the meal he prepared for his nephew and I answered "poor thing is going to go to bed hungry ;)". He responded a bit negatively to which I answered: "oh come on I was just joking it looks great!" and he replied with a very aggressive text saying that I severely lack basic human skills and that it's pathetic that I can't even compliment someone from time to time. I was really surprised by this sudden reaction but I also found his tone very agressive so I answered that I was sorry if I offended him, but he continued saying that my humour is stupid and that I've got issues. Today he's texting me as if nothing happened and I see this as a major red flag. My instinct is telling me to run.. what are your thoughts?
Acacia98 Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 24 minutes ago, Irridescent said: Today he's texting me as if nothing happened and I see this as a major red flag. My instinct is telling me to run.. what are your thoughts? Run for the hills! 5 1
meeji Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 Yes, I would guess that you will be criticized quite often if you decide to start a relationship with this guy. Run! 1
Fox Sake Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 39 minutes ago, Irridescent said: I've been getting to know this guy for the past 3 weeks, we've had about 5 dates and it was going well. Since day 1 we have always had playful banter, and he texted me yesterday with a photo of the meal he prepared for his nephew and I answered "poor thing is going to go to bed hungry ;)". He responded a bit negatively to which I answered: "oh come on I was just joking it looks great!" and he replied with a very aggressive text saying that I severely lack basic human skills and that it's pathetic that I can't even compliment someone from time to time. I was really surprised by this sudden reaction but I also found his tone very agressive so I answered that I was sorry if I offended him, but he continued saying that my humour is stupid and that I've got issues. Today he's texting me as if nothing happened and I see this as a major red flag. My instinct is telling me to run.. what are your thoughts? While I can see the humour in your message to him and it did make me smile....I think that message was the catalyst. How often have you complimented him? I’m guessing not much, if you feel you have a constant banter/ taking the piss out of each other. I think he’s been wanting more positive compliments occasionally and that was just his time to point it out. Nothing wrong with banter, but sometimes it’s just nice to be nice. You also said you found his message tone quite aggressive? You know, it’s entirely possible he found yours to come across like you didn’t care or weren’t impressed? That’s the problem with messages. The tone is easily misconstrued. It’s tied to the persons tone we are most used too. The fact he didn’t bring it up the next day is probably because he didn’t want to. If you feel it’s something you need to talk about tho, then maybe you should? Anyways - whatever it is. Just remember to put yourself in other peoples shoes once in a while. Nothing wrong with a little compassion and trying to see things from others peoples point of view, even if you don’t agree with it , you can still learn about them. 9
ShyViolet Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Irridescent said: and he replied with a very aggressive text saying that I severely lack basic human skills and that it's pathetic that I can't even compliment someone from time to time. He texted you this, and you're still talking to him? Are you kidding me? That should have been an automatic block, and be done with this guy. Just FYI, to be honest though, I think your text to him before that was a little rude. When someone sends you a picture of something like a meal they cooked, the normal thing to do is to compliment it, to say something nice about it. But you didn't do that, you made a joke that had a negative tone. I could see how someone would be offended. However, his overly aggressive and nasty response was out of proportion to the situation. It's a red flag that shows that he might have a nasty, aggressive side that will just get worse in the future. So I would definitely break things off with him. Edited September 13, 2020 by ShyViolet 6 2
kendahke Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Irridescent said: he texted me yesterday with a photo of the meal he prepared for his nephew and I answered "poor thing is going to go to bed hungry ;)". He responded a bit negatively to which I answered: "oh come on I was just joking it looks great!" and he replied with a very aggressive text saying that I severely lack basic human skills and that it's pathetic that I can't even compliment someone from time to time. he continued saying that my humour is stupid and that I've got issues. Today he's texting me as if nothing happened and I see this as a major red flag. My instinct is telling me to run.. what are your thoughts? Trust your instincts. His "taking a sledgehammer to kill a fungus gnat" approach is a window into what life will be like if you keep on dating him. Granted what you said was really rude and I can understand him being put off by it, but still... if you two have this bantering thing going on for all this time, then he's the one who can dish it out, but can't take it. Block him and keep on moving. Don't even tell him that you're backing out--he'll heap on more nastiness because now, you can't take a joke. Edited September 13, 2020 by kendahke
elaine567 Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 I guess he just got fed up of the "banter". It can be very wearing to receive "joke" after nasty "joke" and keep laughing. Jokes can often be too close to the bone and they start to hurt. He was obviously proud of the meal he cooked, and you ruined it... 3
Mrin Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 Sounds like the guy has a temper and has trouble controlling it. Was he drinking? 1
poppyfields Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 (edited) 57 minutes ago, Fox Sake said: While I can see the humour in your message to him and it did make me smile....I think that message was the catalyst. How often have you complimented him? I’m guessing not much, if you feel you have a constant banter/ taking the piss out of each other. I think he’s been wanting more positive compliments occasionally and that was just his time to point it out. Nothing wrong with banter, but sometimes it’s just nice to be nice. You also said you found his message tone quite aggressive? You know, it’s entirely possible he found yours to come across like you didn’t care or weren’t impressed? That’s the problem with messages. The tone is easily misconstrued. It’s tied to the persons tone we are most used too. The fact he didn’t bring it up the next day is probably because he didn’t want to. If you feel it’s something you need to talk about tho, then maybe you should? Anyways - whatever it is. Just remember to put yourself in other peoples shoes once in a while. Nothing wrong with a little compassion and trying to see things from others peoples point of view, even if you don’t agree with it , you can still learn about them. I agree, well said, with emphasis on last paragraph. We all, or many of us, like to be complimented occasionally especially by the person we're dating. But there is a way to express that without being overly aggressive or insulting to the other person. For example, his response: >>he replied with a very aggressive text saying that I severely lack basic human skills and that it's pathetic that I can't even compliment someone from time to time.... he continued saying that my humour is stupid and that I've got issues. << Pathetic? Stupid? This was uncalled for and rude! This would be an automatic dealbreaker for me because verbal attacks like that tend to escalate not de-escalate. It's still early stages, doesn't even warrant a response. Or simply wish him well and walk! Next. Edited September 13, 2020 by poppyfields 1
smackie9 Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 (edited) Just stop responding. No one...I mean no one deserves to be talked to like that. He just went on and on...so you should just had wished him all the best and go NC. You instincts are accurate....run! Edited September 13, 2020 by smackie9 1
Ruby Slippers Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 (edited) I don't enjoy sarcastic humor much, either. But he's handling it poorly, sounds like his feelings of resentment have been building. The childish insults are a big problem. Edited September 13, 2020 by Ruby Slippers 3
Mystery4u Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 You are both in the wrong. Your reply to his picture was rude and not something you would expect someone who you are dating to say. He was in the wrong for the way he reacted and what he said to you. It could have been solved in minutes if he brought it up the right way. Sounds like he got tired of your 'jokes'. Either way, if this is how he reacts to something minor, then it's a very bad sign for the future. Definitely trust your gut and walk away. 4
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Irridescent said: I've been getting to know this guy for the past 3 weeks, we've had about 5 dates and it was going well. Since day 1 we have always had playful banter, and he texted me yesterday with a photo of the meal he prepared for his nephew and I answered "poor thing is going to go to bed hungry ;)". He responded a bit negatively to which I answered: "oh come on I was just joking it looks great!" and he replied with a very aggressive text saying that I severely lack basic human skills and that it's pathetic that I can't even compliment someone from time to time. I was really surprised by this sudden reaction but I also found his tone very agressive so I answered that I was sorry if I offended him, but he continued saying that my humour is stupid and that I've got issues. Today he's texting me as if nothing happened and I see this as a major red flag. My instinct is telling me to run.. what are your thoughts? Seriously, yes. Run. This is just weird, and getting aggressive and nasty, then literally pretending it never happened sets of warning bells for me. IOW: he thinks that's normal and okay. Edited September 13, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 2
Datergirl Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 Yes, without doubt its a red flag. If he's bringing out the name calling this early after a joke gone wrong, I wouldn't like to imagine what he would do if you two get into an argument as he's escalating it to this level already... 2
Sunnyzwei1989 Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 (edited) I dated a dude like this for years. I’d send him pics of stuff i had done/made and he always responded with a wisecrack. Never anything complimentary and honestly after years it wore me done and I ended up snapping back him. I always complimented things he showed me but he could never do the same with me. He is a very wisecracking/joking type which is okay sometimes but it should be balanced with some true compassion and complimentary feedback as well. He never got the drift and I realized it’s just who he is and we were just not compatible. Some people are okay with this constantly but I’m a little more sensitive and it started effecting my self esteem. ETA his response was a little nasty but if you’re constantly doing this sometimes it’s like poking a sleeping bear and it cause one to snap. He def could’ve responded in a less hostile manner. Edited September 13, 2020 by Sunnyzwei1989 ETA
Azincourt Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 6 hours ago, Irridescent said: I've been getting to know this guy for the past 3 weeks, we've had about 5 dates and it was going well. Since day 1 we have always had playful banter, and he texted me yesterday with a photo of the meal he prepared for his nephew and I answered "poor thing is going to go to bed hungry ;)". He responded a bit negatively to which I answered: "oh come on I was just joking it looks great!" and he replied with a very aggressive text saying that I severely lack basic human skills and that it's pathetic that I can't even compliment someone from time to time. I was really surprised by this sudden reaction but I also found his tone very agressive so I answered that I was sorry if I offended him, but he continued saying that my humour is stupid and that I've got issues. Today he's texting me as if nothing happened and I see this as a major red flag. My instinct is telling me to run.. what are your thoughts? He's clearly mentally ill.
MsJayne Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 Putting other people down isn't humour, it's just a way of belittling another person and it wears very thin very quickly. It sounds as though he's been going along with it but finally lost his temper. Don't get 'banter' confused with derision. 2
Azincourt Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 He's a Pick-up Artist. As I like to call it, ' socially inept man who thinks he's going to create physical attraction in a woman by being rude to her. Kinda like how you catch fish by playing heavy metal to it.
SumGuy Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 7 hours ago, Irridescent said: ... Today he's texting me as if nothing happened and I see this as a major red flag. My instinct is telling me to run.. what are your thoughts? Agree, run. He's the one that lacks basic social skills and emotional regulation. 2
ajequals Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 I believe what you did is not banter. It's a red flag for him. Any woman that believes this is OK is planning on dating many men .A woman a man wants to marry does not belittle him. we want to be your knight. not your joke 2 1
Alvi Posted September 14, 2020 Posted September 14, 2020 (edited) Any sane person would use his or her words to express what he/she likes or dislikes about a partner. Sometimes we do unknowingly hurt people we love but there is no reason for this explosive kind of behavior. He could've explained in a calm manner that he doesn't appreciate her jokes. That's all. He is probably kind of guy who bottles down his feeling till he cannot bottle them down any longer. And then he rather blow up in a very aggressive manner and blame his partner for a lot of uncalled and unjust things, rather then discuss his feelings in a reasonable manner. And this is why communication is very important. He sort of expected to be a mind reader here. He went along with her jokes, which she thought were fine. Needed to say right away that they do not sit well with him. Anybody who throws temper tantrums, blows up, and cannot talk calmly about his or her feeling being hurt is not going to be a good partner in a long run. Edited September 14, 2020 by Alvi more stuff to write 2
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 14, 2020 Posted September 14, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, ajequals said: I believe what you did is not banter. It's a red flag for him. Any woman that believes this is OK is planning on dating many men .A woman a man wants to marry does not belittle him. we want to be your knight. not your joke I think this is largely true (not the many men part) but his response basically telling her she's pathetic, then talking the next day like it's all good is really odd and is its own red flag. I could see him saying that and then breaking up but that was severe...and yet he wants to keep going? I think what she said was mean but if it's been banter then it would seem that they were back-and-forth doing it. That can definitely turn into a fail but his response was an indictment of her entire person. And then the next day it's all good? To me that says he expects to be able to say awful things about how useless she is during the relationship. That's alarming. These two are just not good together, any way you slice it. We only have a little info, but based on this I feel like...yes...break up. Edited September 14, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 1
jenmesot Posted September 14, 2020 Posted September 14, 2020 IMO, he definitely sounds like he's got a rough side, but I definitely can relate to a feeling of getting no compliments, but then, he must be since if he feels he must fish for them. The whole point is he is wanting more positive compliments and that isn't something that is your strength and now it has become about how aggressively he decided to address you about it. That seems to be a bigger. problem now, although the other. was as well. good luck, jen
Watercolors Posted September 14, 2020 Posted September 14, 2020 10 hours ago, Irridescent said: Today he's texting me as if nothing happened and I see this as a major red flag. My instinct is telling me to run.. what are your thoughts? Why are you still talking/texting with this guy? Red flag? Yes, definitely! 5 dates with him in 3 weeks? That's enough to realize what type of personality he has and how he treats you. 10 hours ago, Irridescent said: he replied with a very aggressive text saying that I severely lack basic human skills and that it's pathetic that I can't even compliment someone from time to time. If someone I went on 5 dates with sent me a text like that, I'd be done with him, period. If you continue to date him, you are setting yourself to continue to be verbally abused. Just an fyi.
ccas93 Posted September 14, 2020 Posted September 14, 2020 I'm a guy and I can handle wisecracks from a girl if I know she otherwise values me. If she was the type to never give me compliments I would probably be a little uncertain of how much she actually likes or respects me, and I could see myself taking a "joke" from her the wrong way. But, I'm not saying I would blow up over it. But in the future, maybe try to give a compliment/say something nice for every funny-rude banter comment you make. So the guy knows you actually respect him. Just an idea. 1
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