atl_girl Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 I’ve been reading this forum alot lately and have really been trying to learn from it. As much as a lot of us are hurting, (and sad as it is), you don't feel so isolated when you see that so many other folks are going through so much of the same thing…and how we all have to cope with rejection. So, I figured I needed some help and advice as much as anyone, and thought I’d send in a post. About a year and a half ago, I met this guy online. He had just moved to Atlanta from out of state (he told me he accepted a job down here, which was true). I initiated first contact and at that stage, it REALLY was b/c I wanted to be nice to this guy since he was lonely and new in town. Plus, it seemed we had a lot in common. Well, we had a date and ended up going out for about five weeks. Seemed that the chemistry was there on both sides. I really liked this guy, he was my age (we were both 32 at the time), and I honestly thought we had a connection (I’ll admit that I was also vulnerable at the time b/c I hadn’t been in a relationship in awhile and really got my hopes up). But he DID give me every indication that he was interested in me. He called, equally initiated our dates together, etc. He told me he liked me…. he even hid his online profile (which I later found out the REAL reason, but more on that below) and I did the same. It seemed too good to true, which I now realize should have been a huge red flag. Well, I started getting intimate with this guy. We were intimate three weeks after we went out, which I later felt HORRIBLE about (yup, it’s one of those “girl things” I admit), but no one wants to be used. The last few days I was with him, I noticed he was getting cooler and cooler toward me – not mean - but distant enough that I knew something was up (though I was in denial at the time --I really liked this guy). Well, as we all know, that’s how it usually starts. When I was getting ready to hide my online profile, I saw where he’d turned his back on. This was the night before I last saw him. I called him and asked him about it. I was very nice about it and didn’t come across as accusatory. Looking back, I think it shocked him that I was as nice as it was and handled it as maturely as I did. I’ve even wondered if he may have even planted it out there on purpose, hoping I’d see it, call him up, blast him and disappear. Then, of course, he wouldn’t be left doing the dirty work. Anyway, the last night I saw him, I spent the night with him. Although he was distant at first, he warmed up the remaining time I was with him so looking back, I guess that gave me false hope. Well, I left his apt on Saturday morning. He didn’t call me the rest of the weekend. So, I ended up calling him on Sunday night. I knew I shouldn’t but I still took the chance. Well, he didn’t answer his phone – surprise, surprise. The following night, I was hurt but I was *determined* not to call him – I even have my limits - so I went out to dinner with a girlfriend. He called. I could tell by his tone something was wrong, yet he sat there and continued to talk to me, normal conversation, though I noticed his strange tone. I was waiting on my girlfriend to show up so I can see now why he didn’t drop the bomb then. So by Tuesday night, I HAD to know what was up. I knew I was about to dig my grave, but I wanted it to be over if that’s what was going to happen. Well, I left a voice mail for him asking if he’d like to come over to see me that night. I knew that this was going to make it or break it. It did. By the time he called it was 8:30. Before I even answered my phone, I KNEW this was it. He made some polite small talk then told me he needed to “talk to me about something.” He then proceeded to tell me that he was not over his ex girlfriend from out of state (found out later he broke it off with her before he moved down here), and that she had started calling him again. He realized he still had feelings for her and they were discussing getting back together either with her coming down to Atlanta or his moving back home. As common of a scenario as this is, understand, he went on and ON about this the last night he spoke to me – which I thought was *extremely* rude, cold, and insensitive. I mean, come on, rejection is hard enough – but don’t kick someone when they’re already down by going into those details! While I respected his honesty about this subject, (and the fact that he did AT LEAST call), he took a horribly icy tone with me that last night. I didn’t hear any remorse in his voice. At all. He never apologized for anything, he never thanked me for reaching out and being a friend to him when he didn’t know anyone, etc. I don’t expect anyone to kiss my a** and I’m not trying to be a martyr, but to me this went way beyond the scope of decency…especially since I was later able to figure out that he’d already made up his mind to end things BEFORE that last Friday night he saw me. Although I shouldn’t have been, I was shocked at his method of delivery. Yet, hard as it was, I took the high road. I didn’t yell, I didn’t cry – I even told him I wished he and his ex the best (God, that took strength). Well, two weeks later, I saw him right back out online. In addition to the hurt, I felt humiliated beyond belief. Believe me, I cried myself to sleep quite a few nights after I saw that one. So six weeks after he dumped me, I wrote him a nice letter. Told him I would never contact him again and I wished him the best, blah blah but I also told him (nicely) that I had suspicions that he’d lied to me. It was one of those closure things. Yes, I realize I shouldn’t have contacted him but it wasn’t like it was an all-the-time thing. I didn’t camp out on his door step, I didn’t call him or “stalk” him or any of that. Well, he didn’t respond. Shocker! Yet, he kept his profile online until he disappeared in July (he ended moving back to where he was from – he was only down here for about six mos). So…a year passes. I try to forget, yet I’m struggling worse to forgive someone than I’d ever thought I’d have to. In all of my years of dating, this was the first time someone had ever deliberately deceived me, used me, lied to me, then blew me off. (I know - join the club, but it still hurts of course). His treatment of me under normal circumstances would’ve been bad enough, but the fact that he treated me so poorly on TOP of the fact that I was nice to him and did him a favor, hurt much, much worse. So this past March, I noticed he went back out online again. He posted a profile that most people wouldn’t have taken offense to (they might of thought it was a little funny) but given the history I had with this creep, I finally blew up. I plopped down my credit card and posted my profile back online where he’d see it. I cut and pasted all of his profile text (then tailored it to add my own sarcastic comments) and sent him a wink and a link to to MY profile. Then I wrote him a nasty letter and sent it to his online account. I told him that I didn’t appreciate the way he’d treated me last year, that because he wasn’t man enough to be honest with me when ended things, he ended up causing me more hurt than necessary. This is putting it mildly. Did I care how psycho or stupid it looked? Nope. I was way past that by then. If it was the last thing I did, I was going to let this guy have it with both barrels. Looking back, I think the fact that I contacted him a year later and told him off shocked him more than anything. Surprisingly, he did respond this time. He told me that he was sorry for the hurt he’d caused me and finally admitted that he had been talking to his ex-girlfriend behind my back when he was dating me. He also told me that they ended up breaking up a few months after he went back home and he hadn’t been out with anyone in months. Also that he wasn’t having such great luck with online dating, no one had even responded to him, so if I thought he was a “player” I was very off base. He also told me that when I met him, it was a screwed up time in his life and that he was sorry that I had to get caught up in that. I guess from a guy’s perspective, what he told me was humbling. If it was a “shut her up” thing, I don’t think he would have written as long of a letter. I’m sure that a lot of guys wouldn’t have responded, so I’ll give him that. But this was one of those things that if I had not contacted him and told him off, I wouldn’t have been able to let it go. I also understand that he was in a new place, I understand ppl make mistakes, I understand he wasn’t over his ex (as much as it hurts). It’s not the decision he made – it’s rather the WAY he went about treating me. SO…here’s what I’m struggling with. Like a lot of people, I am terrified of getting bitter. I want to get back out there and meet someone, but this experience really scarred me. It’s going to be very, VERY hard for me to trust someone again. I know most of us have been there. I realize that baggage isn’t fair to the new person….but its easier said than done. I know it might be a tough crap, kiddo type of thing ;-) too, but I really wish more people would be up front about their circumstances when they start dating someone new and not drag them thru a rebound. So, any advice you guys can give about more healing, how maybe you had to forgive someone, or if any guys read this, advice from a guys perspective (or course, gals welcome too!). One last thing too - I really did have a traumatic year over this past year (including a couple of deaths in the family) so I understand that too can delay some of the healing. Thanks all. Sorry for the long post.
Art_Critic Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 I plopped down my credit card and posted my profile back online where he’d see it. I cut and pasted all of his profile text (then tailored it to add my own sarcastic comments) and sent him a wink and a link to to MY profile. I find this part funny.. He used you .. Plain and simple.. He was a player and not a good one.. You need to let it go to experience and learn from it.. as tough as it is.. Not all guys online are going to hurt you like this jerk..In time you will trust again He was an Assclown.. If you believe in Karma then he will get his..
legrtova Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 In my eyes you've met one big jerk and you let it get to you. By sending him letters and contacting him, he most likely sees you as psycho (sorry, don't meant that, just saying what he might think) who cannot let go off few week long fling. You might also come accross as bit desperate. Don't let this one incident to keep you away from other guys by showing them mistrust and comparing each guy to this as***le. He probably didn't mean to use you, maybe he was trying to get over his pains by getting into a rebound relationship. he might had not even know he was doing that. Pain is lonely. Move on, forget this prick and have fun! I would not talk to him again.
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