Where do you stand after 7 dates?

[SumGuy]

3 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

Because expecting me to act like a boyfriend while not being a boyfriend is kinda manipulative no?

Not sure what you mean by act like a boyfriend.   Listening to people and being supportive of them is basic friend human being type stuff, sex or not, and for me why wouldn't you want the person you have sex with to be into you as more than just meat; that is if you are looking for a relationship.   If someone is looking to just hook up then sure, what does it matter.

To me boyfriend entails a lot more than just being into a person as a person, has exclusivity, being there to help in day-to-day life, etc.

[Azincourt]

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I'm more or less wondering how many dates it takes others to know that they want to take it to the next step.

Depends on what you mean by ''the next step.''

Do I want to meet her parents, her brothers and sisters, and her friends?

No. That doesn't mean I don't care about her, or that I don't have feelings for her. I do. I just don't want to deal with someone else's parents or siblings or friends. Stress causes hairloss, and hairloss makes a man look old, plus the less I interact with her problems, the more energy and vitality I have to be the best boyfriend she deserves me to be.

If you mean sex, then I'm pretty much down to have it as soon as I look at a woman and I find her to be attractive, if she wants me, , and if she feels the same way about me.. oh boy, it's firecrackers all day long.  Hilarious to be in my 30s and to have the health  and the sex drive of a 18 year old man.

[Azincourt]

1 minute ago, SumGuy said:

Not sure what you mean by act like a boyfriend.   Listening to people and being supportive of them is basic friend human being type stuff, sex or not, and for me why wouldn't you want the person you have sex with to be into you as more than just meat; that is if you are looking for a relationship.   If someone is looking to just hook up then sure, what does it matter.

To me boyfriend entails a lot more than just being into a person as a person, has exclusivity, being there to help in day-to-day life, etc.

Acting like a boyfriend: listening to her talk about interests and subjects and hobbies that hold no interest to me, but I'll pay attention to her while she's doing it so she feels appreciated.

Meeting her friends, her family, and interacting with them in a way that makes them feel good about themselves.

Listening to her talk about her day, her problems, her dreams, yadayadayada.

That's what psychologists and personal therapists are for.  They get paid for that. My lifespan isn't going to last a 1000 years, every hour of my life that I waste listening to someone is an hour of life I've just lost. I'd rather be doing something more fun than putting up with someone's brothers even if she's my girlriend.

Now, if the woman in question was to pay me in cash,(I'd rather take Euros)or offered me clothes, shoes and what not, to be her personal best emotional friend, sure. I'd more than gladly listen be a basic friend human being type stuff.

My friendships pretty much work this way: we play soccer together, we talk about soccer, then we each go home, and we don't talk about ''real life'' problems.

[SumGuy]

23 hours ago, meeji said:

What des that confirmation of sexual interest look like for you? 

I may not be able to quickly put it into words here but there really is no mistaking it for me.  Chemistry is a word that just doesn't convey it.

It goes beyond having actual sex, just because someone has sex with you does not mean that have that interest.  So many men seem to think if she sleeps with you she does, they put way to much stock in it's meaning.  The act itself is not where the meaning resides, though it may be a by product of it.

[Azincourt]

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It goes beyond having actual sex, just because someone has sex with you does not mean that have that interest.  So many men seem to think if she sleeps with you she does, they put way to much stock in it's meaning.  The act itself is not where the meaning resides, though it may be a by product of it.

Do I need water to be from the most pristine of winter mountains for my thirst to be sated?

Does she want to  have sex with me? 

is she good at it? 

Does she make me feel good and makes sure I enjoy it?

Then she has shown herself to care about me. 

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The act itself is not where the meaning resides, though it may be a by product of it.

 

Right, so let's see how long will a boyfriend stay in a relationship if sex doesn't happen.

[SumGuy]

1 minute ago, Azincourt said:

Acting like a boyfriend: listening to her talk about interests and subjects and hobbies that hold no interest to me, but I'll pay attention to her while she's doing it so she feels appreciated.

For me, I would likely never make it to date 1 if that was the case.  I'm picky and had no problme finding sexy women with common interest, I do want it all  

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Meeting her friends, her family, and interacting with them in a way that makes them feel good about themselves.

That is down the road for me, like 6 months.  I like you caveat, are you good with meeting them in ways that make them feel bad about themselves  

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Listening to her talk about her day, her problems, her dreams, yadayadayada.

I kind of think that is basic support of ones friends, lovers etc. but I also would not be compatible with a can't do, whiner.    I love hearing about dreams etc. I love even more conversations that are productive and active in this regard.

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 I'd rather be doing something more fun than putting up with someone's brothers even if she's my girlriend.

That is why for me I date her not her family, if I need to date her family too it's a pass unless I like them a lot. 

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My friendships pretty much work this way: we play soccer together, we talk about soccer, then we each go home, and we don't talk about ''real life'' problems

To me those are not friendships, just pals, acquaintances, they are a dime a dozen.  Friends have my back, and "real life" is an inherent part of that.   It's not like we sit around moaning about this and that, far from it.  But sometimes sh*t happens and that is what friends are for.

[SumGuy]

2 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

Right, so let's see how long will a boyfriend stay in a relationship if sex doesn't happen.

Have no idea about if he is held to the boyfriend level, it really is more in this case how long will a guy date if sex doesn't happen.  Differs for each guy, and what he is getting out of the date. 

I personally want the date to be so fun in and of itself don't need sex to happen for it to be amazing.  Alas though, I am the last person to ask on how long I could wait as when the dates are so amazing and I'd see her again just for that (even without sex), sex does happen.

I think though we come at dating from different purposes.  I want a relationship, that is what I prefer, I want the non-sex share the day stuff, I want the long term, heck I want the forever person, the soul mate. 

If I've read your posts correctly you are not looking for that at all.

[smackie9]

wow you guys...talk about hijacking someone's thread.

[meeji]

I've enjoyed the banter around this topic. Thanks to everyone who provided feedback!

While browsing the web I can across this article.

https://www.bustle.com/wellness/155277-what-does-demisexual-mean-here-are-6-signs-that-you-may-identify-as-demisexual

I've seen the term demisexual on OKcupid profiles but it sounds like this describes what mt sentiment is around sex.

[Azincourt]

4 minutes ago, meeji said:

I've enjoyed the banter around this topic. Thanks to everyone who provided feedback!

While browsing the web I can across this article.

https://www.bustle.com/wellness/155277-what-does-demisexual-mean-here-are-6-signs-that-you-may-identify-as-demisexual

I've seen the term demisexual on OKcupid profiles but it sounds like this describes what mt sentiment is around sex.

Quote

A demisexual person does not experience sexual attraction until they have formed a strong emotional connection with a prospective partner.[2][5] The definition of "emotional bond" varies from person to person.[10] Demisexuals can have any romantic orientation.[11][12] People in the asexual spectrum communities often switch labels throughout their lives, and fluidity in orientation and identity is a common attitude.[3]

Yeah, I'm the opposite to a demisexual, and the women I get the best with are the same way. I don't develop a strong emotional connection with a potential partner if I don't find someone to be physically attractive, and If I don't find someone to be physically attractive at first glance, then I never will. Have I lost several potentially good relationships over this?

Yeah, but I can't change myself as much as I can get Jeff Bezos to adopt me as  son, now can I.

It might have been the case of my failed relationships having happened with women who were demisexual, but that oughta have something to do more with a lack of communication than something else, because these women never said anything about ''needing  a strong emotional connection before sexy time'' and so I assumed they weren't attracted to me. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't.

Edited September 13, 2020 by Azincourt

[meeji]

36 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

 

Right, so let's see how long will a boyfriend stay in a relationship if sex doesn't happen.

A boyfriend is totally diferent from a Tinder date! We are not talking by way of serious relationship.  He was seeing me and probably others and telling us all that sex what he needed to make it official

[Azincourt]

Just now, meeji said:

A boyfriend is totally diferent from a Tinder date! We are not talking by way of serious relationship.  He was seeing me and probably others and telling us all that sex what he needed to make it official

 

Ah, well, if he was lying to all of you, then he was being a douchebag about it all.

[meeji]

9 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

 

It might have been the case of my failed relationships having happened with women who were demisexual, but that oughta have something to do more with a lack of communication than something else, because these women never said anything about ''needing  a strong emotional connection before sexy time'' and so I assumed they weren't attracted to me. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't.

I communicated this to him very clearly and he understood it well. When I ended it he spouted off all the reasons why he wanted to keep it going and why I'm a catch. I shut it down by saying if you don't feel anything for  me after 7 dates, I can't be sure that you ever will, even if we have sex. I need to go find someone who cares for me. He couldn't argue...

[meeji]

23 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

wow you guys...talk about hijacking someone's thread.

Haha! So true but I don't mind! I am enjoying all the perspective. It's  good!

[meeji]

2 hours ago, Azincourt said:

Yeah, but you are still being sexually intimate and making sure the guy's enjoying the time you spent with him as much as possible. hese women are taking about acting like nuns and expecting their dates to spend an immense amount of time, emotional work and money on them.

 

 

You did not all the details of that's your perception. I did say that we did other sexual things besides sex. No nunnery involved. Not only that, but i probably spent about $250 or so on dates qoth this guy. I am not a gold digger and I'm  happy to contribute my fair share. To me, this is another way to show interest. I never expect guys to pay for everything. Most of time they are shocked when I pay wothout them knowing or insist on paying.

You have a chip on your shoulder. There are women in the worls living comfortably and done need a man for amything other than his sperm..

No man has ever told me that they felt used. I am always good about expressing gratitude and returning the investement financial or otherwise. The main assumption here is that the guy the guy doesn't understand where he stands with me, which is not the case at all.

 He just wanted to get his dick wet.

[Trail Blazer]

22 minutes ago, meeji said:

I communicated this to him very clearly and he understood it well. When I ended it he spouted off all the reasons why he wanted to keep it going and why I'm a catch. I shut it down by saying if you don't feel anything for  me after 7 dates, I can't be sure that you ever will, even if we have sex. I need to go find someone who cares for me. He couldn't argue...

That's true.  I've felt (the chemistry) straight away, or I haven't at all.  The ones I haven't felt chemistry for, I haven't even attempted to have sex with them.  In fact, we didn't go past the first date.

Everybody is different, though.  It's hard to know how it was said, unless you're a fly on the wall.  We'll just have to take your word for it that he was showing little interest in you, confirmed he had little interest in you but was trying to manipulate you for sex.

It's fair to say that you were not feeling insane levels of attraction/chemistry to this guy, either.  So, what does happen in a situation where you do?  Will you wait, make him wait and withhold your sexual desires for an arbitrary length of time (seven date or longer)?

[Shining One]

18 minutes ago, meeji said:

I am not a gold digger and I'm  happy to contribute my fair share. To me, this is another way to show interest.

I agree, this is a way to show interest. I'd certainly be willing to be more patient under these circumstances.

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, meeji said:

I've enjoyed the banter around this topic. Thanks to everyone who provided feedback!

While browsing the web I can across this article.

https://www.bustle.com/wellness/155277-what-does-demisexual-mean-here-are-6-signs-that-you-may-identify-as-demisexual

I've seen the term demisexual on OKcupid profiles but it sounds like this describes what mt sentiment is around sex.

It does indeed.  If that's who you are, that's okay.  In that case, though, you will need to be forthcoming with such information at an early stage so the guy has clarity around the situation.  He can then decide of that's okay, or move on if such an arrangement doesn't work for him.

[meeji]

47 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

It does indeed.  If that's who you are, that's okay.  In that case, though, you will need to be forthcoming with such information at an early stage so the guy has clarity around the situation.  He can then decide of that's okay, or move on if such an arrangement doesn't work for him.

I did. We had this discussion around date 3 when he invited me to spend the night. He wanted to keep dating.

[Trail Blazer]

4 minutes ago, meeji said:

I did. We had this discussion around date 3 when he invited me to spend the night. He wanted to keep dating.

Right.  And in the seven dates you had, did this guy give you zero indication that he was interested in you other than sex?  What do you think he was feeling the whole time he was with you on those dates?

[meeji]

On 9/13/2020 at 6:35 PM, Trail Blazer said:

Right.  And in the seven dates you had, did this guy give you zero indication that he was interested in you other than sex?  What do you think he was feeling the whole time he was with you on those dates?

My suspicion was confirmed today. If I could post screenshots, I would! We met on Tinder but today he showed up on my OKC. Since I ended it he updated his profile to say that he is looking for a covid buddy to be an activity partner and friend with benefits.  He answered honestly that he's just looking for sex right now. If nothing else,  my calling him out has encouraged him to be more honest about intentions.  

What a douche, but good on me for seeing the signs early. 

Case closed.

[Trail Blazer]

1 minute ago, meeji said:

My suspicion was confirmed today. If I could post screenshots, I would! We met on Tinder but today he showed up on my OKC. Since I ended it he updated his profile to say that he is looking for a covid buddy to be an activity partner and friend with benefits.  He answered honestly that he's just looking for sex right now. If nothing else,  my calling him out has encouraged him to be more honest about intentions.  

What a douche, but good on me for seeing the signs early. 

Case closed.

I'd argue that taking seven dates to see the signs is anything but early.

In any case, it's good that you have clarity over your situation and you can move forward from here.

[Azincourt]

He's not a douche for being ''only'' interested in having sex. It's perfectly normal to be looking for sex. It's just the two of you are not compatible and have different goals in the dating world.

The reason why a guy doesn't straight up say he wants to hook-up and ain't looking for a wife is that most dudes end up being outright rejected for being honest about their desires. It's one of the reasons why I believe professional prostitution should be legalized in every nation of this world. If guys are getting their rocks off with women who provide these services, then men will only be in the dating world if they're interested in finding a girlfriend, and that would let women at large feel safe about being with a dude because they know the guy is with them not because he hasn't had sex in months and he'll sleep with anyone, but  because the guy truly likes her and wants a long-term relationship.

In any case, good luck to you  

Edited September 16, 2020 by Azincourt

[Trail Blazer]

14 hours ago, Azincourt said:

He's not a douche for being ''only'' interested in having sex. It's perfectly normal to be looking for sex. It's just the two of you are not compatible and have different goals in the dating world.

The reason why a guy doesn't straight up say he wants to hook-up and ain't looking for a wife is that most dudes end up being outright rejected for being honest about their desires. It's one of the reasons why I believe professional prostitution should be legalized in every nation of this world. If guys are getting their rocks off with women who provide these services, then men will only be in the dating world if they're interested in finding a girlfriend, and that would let women at large feel safe about being with a dude because they know the guy is with them not because he hasn't had sex in months and he'll sleep with anyone, but  because the guy truly likes her and wants a long-term relationship.

In any case, good luck to you  

Not true, dude.  I'm not interested in hookers.  I'd rather pick up on Tinder or PoF, thanks.  Perhaps if I had no luck and found myself desperate enough, it might be an option.  I haven't found myself in that situation yet, though.

[Azincourt]

9 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Not true, dude.  I'm not interested in hookers.  I'd rather pick up on Tinder or PoF, thanks.  Perhaps if I had no luck and found myself desperate enough, it might be an option.  I haven't found myself in that situation yet, though.

Don't knock out on hookers, bro.  About a year ago, there was a 'huge' scandal in Great Britain because it was found out that a bunch load of soccer players from the top premiere league clubs were patrons to a German high-end escorting agency, and when I say High-end, I don't mean what married middle-aged men hire from when they're working away from home. I mean each and every client needs to be in possession of at least 11 million euros in their bank accounts, for them to become eligible, and then there are other requirements that I didn't really pay attention to because I fail at the first one hahaha.

But I do remember the details. The members of this organization could rent a prostitute for 2000 euros an hour, or they could keep their favorite escort for a retainer of 30 000 a month. You had stuff going on like,  former Japanese Prime-Ministers and billionaires bidding on the virgin monthly auction(Fashion models aged 21+) with the minimum bid starting at 1 million euros, and what really astounded the common British man and common British woman when they found out about this, is that many of the high-profile coaches and soccer players were married men.

I know that men have a tendency to not want to visit prostitutes in Countries where professional prostitution is legalized, because they feel like they are losers for spending money on a woman, but really you're spending time and effort, and it's not the women you're pulling off tinder and from plenty of single mothers looking for a father for their kid aka POf, are easily confused with Sara  Sampaio or  A1990s laetitia Casta, now are they. 

Think about it. These men are far superior to you in every way. Youth, personal beauty,  athletic performance, charm and fame, and massive wealth(or do you make 33 million euros a year from your baseline wages alone?) and yet they go ahead and so something that most men are ashamed of doing because they think they're losers for paying for sex.

Bro, every guy pays for sex, or if I was to lose my abs, my shoulders, my hair, my eyes, or whatever else the women who get with me get with me for - they'd date me because of an emotional connection? 

LMAO.

But yeah, bro, maybe one day when POF and Tinder runs out of single mothers, you'll think about it, yeah? Good chap.

Edited September 17, 2020 by Azincourt