Where do you stand after 7 dates?

[chillii]

8 hours ago, Datingdisabled said:

I'm not going to pretend I am knowledgeable and this is no way represents how I feel, so you men can comment on this better. 

I knew this guy Mike who was with a women for about 8 weeks and didn't know how he felt. We all told him that he should go find someone else and forget about her then because she really liked him. He didn't have high standards for dating and found someone who could work but wasn't head over heels for her. Probably what happened here, no? 

Men settle. They all freaking settle and then tell a women to go settle. Ill settle alright, I'll settle for if all to myself. I don't like to share! I'm too greedy for marriage. 

 

What are you talking about men settle they all settle, you said the same rubbish in another thread , which l answered there , you don't know what your talking about.

 

 

[chillii]

8 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

All men settle?  I'm not so sure about that... I can tell you now, I don't.  Unless a woman stokes the fire in my loins and my synapses then she'll either be an FWB or get friendzoned.

And because l can't edit l'll 2nd this notion and far far more , she needs to stoke many more fires than just one area for me , matter of fact just that one area is useless and def not relationship material.

[Azincourt]

 

4 minutes ago, chillii said:

Men settle. They all freaking settle and then tell a women to go settle. Ill settle alright, I'll settle for if all to myself. I don't like to share! I'm too greedy for marriage. 

 

What?

Men setlte? Some men do, I guess, like some women settle for the husbands they have, but most people don't settle. 

Too greedy for marriage?

Why that fixation on marriage? Why would you marry someone you don't love just for the sake of being married?

At leat Jeff Bezo's wife loved him when she met him for the first time, even if she took with her 60 billion dollars making her Mankind's richest woman of all time. 

[Azincourt]

Quote

And because l can't edit l'll 2nd this notion and far far more , she needs to stoke many more fires than just one area for me , matter of fact just that one area is useless and def not relationship material.

Same here, bro. If I look at her with my first glance and I don't want to have sex with her 24/7, I'm not going to bother. Relationship material?  Takes care of her physical appearance,  stays away from all the toxic stuff that ruins someone's physical looks(sugar, fast food, chocolate, icecream, soda, American-bread etc) has her life put together e.g. has a good job, college-educated, has life-savings, doesn't have a crazy family or crazy ex-boyfriend, and last of all, and most importantly of all.

She gotta want to sleep with me as much as I want to sleep with her. Gotta have a high sex drive, have an open mind, sexually,  gotta be body-waxed in it's entirety except her hairline, like it so happens with me, and that sex drive gotta  be directed at me, obviously.

[Mystery4u]

OP you did what was right for you, don't ever change, you have my respect for knowing your worth.

My ex was the same. I've had a lot of experience but she was the first to want exclusivity before sex. At first I didn't understand it and wanted to 'try before I buy' as well. She would not budge. She valued her body, and wanted to make sure anyone who got access to it, deserved it. That meant having an emotional connection first. I respected that.

I wanted a long term relationship with her, so I waited. 2 months dating before I asked her to by my girlfriend, then another month until we had sex, so about 3 months total wait. It was definitely worth the wait as physically she ticked every single box I wanted in a woman.

Unfortunately, whilst the sex itself was great, I found we were mismatched on other aspects. Such as how often, timing, location, spontaneity, and how important sex was to the relationship. To her emotion was the most important thing, then sex. To me it was 50/50. I'll admit I was never truly satisfied sexually. We broke up for a variety of reasons in the end.

[Trail Blazer]

12 hours ago, poppyfields said:

This^ is consistent with what my male friends, brothers and boyfriends have told me.

It's the male frame versus female frame which is if a man won't wait for sex, he's not interested.  

Yin/yang, Mars/Venus.  Embrace the differences!  Lol.

There's waiting for sex, then there's being put completely on ice. 

It's definitely true that for a guy who's looking only for sex, he will not wait around long at all if the sex is not forthcoming.

I know that what you're saying is tongue-in-cheek, however, the truth is that such an open-ended statement like: "if a man won't wait for sex, he's not interested" is fraught with danger. 

Just how long does one make a man wait?  Is making him wait even the correct term?  Or is he simply made to wait by virtue of the woman wanting to be certain that he's not just wanting to use her for sex?

Correlation often doesn't equal causation; no man who only want sex is willing to hang around and wait, but not all men who aren't willing to hang around and wait only want sex.

Women who adopt such notions need to be mindful of a confirmation-bias at play.  One could make a guy wait long enough to eventually deter even the most patient of men. 

Common sense needs to apply when determining whether a guy is actually serious, or whether he's a time waster looking for another notch on his belt.

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, Mystery4u said:

OP you did what was right for you, don't ever change, you have my respect for knowing your worth.

My ex was the same. I've had a lot of experience but she was the first to want exclusivity before sex. At first I didn't understand it and wanted to 'try before I buy' as well. She would not budge. She valued her body, and wanted to make sure anyone who got access to it, deserved it. That meant having an emotional connection first. I respected that.

I wanted a long term relationship with her, so I waited. 2 months dating before I asked her to by my girlfriend, then another month until we had sex, so about 3 months total wait. It was definitely worth the wait as physically she ticked every single box I wanted in a woman.

Unfortunately, whilst the sex itself was great, I found we were mismatched on other aspects. Such as how often, timing, location, spontaneity, and how important sex was to the relationship. To her emotion was the most important thing, then sex. To me it was 50/50. I'll admit I was never truly satisfied sexually. We broke up for a variety of reasons in the end.

I think you'll find that women who just aren't very sexual are the ones who'll use those reasons above to excuse their lack of sexuality.  Women with high sex drives, who are sexually attracted to the guy, will jump him at the earliest time because, just like the guy, they have sexual needs.

If a chick takes too long to want to sleep with me then it's a red flag.  A precursor to what to expect later.  A relationship where sex is the bargaining chip and the man's got to show his worth.  F*#k that!  Next...

There's enough women out there who are willing to jump your bones (but who still want relationships) to not bother wasting time on the prudes who'll put out after you've jumped through all the hoops whilst the planets have simultaneously aligned.

 

[Trail Blazer]

5 hours ago, chillii said:

And because l can't edit l'll 2nd this notion and far far more , she needs to stoke many more fires than just one area for me , matter of fact just that one area is useless and def not relationship material.

As we men get older, I think our tolerance for B.S. becomes lower whilst we have more clarity over what we actually want.  The irony here being that as we get older it becomes harder to meet new people whilst at the same time we've become more particular about just who we'll allow into our lives.

[elaine567]

17 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

There's enough women out there who are willing to jump your bones (but who still want relationships) to not bother wasting time on the prudes who'll put out after you've jumped through all the hoops whilst the planets have simultaneously aligned.

Ok but that filter didn't work for you did it? 
V jumped your bones and the regular and frequent sex was awesome until it all dried up...
 

[Trail Blazer]

Just now, elaine567 said:

Ok but that filter didn't work for you did it? 
V jumped your bones and the regular and frequent sex was awesome until it all dried up...
 

V didn't jump my bones, actually.  It wasn't until the fourth date, but it was more due to logistics - her being a single mom to a young son and a lack of suitable babysitter.  Having said that, I always knew the intention was there.

Fast forward to near the end of our relationship and yeah, the sex dried up.  Sex dries up in relationships; there's nothing new there!  It happened in my marriage, it happened in my relationship to V.  It hasn't happened yet in my current (10 month) relationship.  Hopefully it won't for a long time to come.

There's no disputing the fact that when the sex dried up, there were bigger issues at play.  She had sex with me towards the end of the relationship because she was horny, not because she wanted sex with me. 

There were no hoops for me to jump through - she didn't want me jumping through hoops for her, or doing anything for her (except for maybe fixing the light in her fishtank).  For the most part, in the last few months of our relationship, my presence was not required.

Nobody can predict the future and people fall in and out of love all the time.  I think it's fair to say, though, that in the context of the topic at hand, seven dates and no sex whilst OP waits for her date to jump through a bunch of arbitrarily defined hoops, only a desperate schmuck would hang around and wait, whilst only the deluded would think there's some chance that the frigidity on display would dissipate once they eventually consummated their relationship.

 

[Ruby Slippers]

You did the right thing. Of course serial dating men want to get laid as fast as possible. Their agenda has nothing to do with yours. The right man for you will respect and understand that you want to determine real compatibility before taking that step. The others don't matter in the slightest. 

[DaveBond]

It will be a blessing to be in a no sex before marriage relationship then.

[Happy Lemming]

38 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

If a chick takes too long to want to sleep with me then it's a red flag.  A precursor to what to expect later.  A relationship where sex is the bargaining chip and the man's got to show his worth.  F*#k that!  Next...

100% Agree... I was dating this one woman that took away sex to "punish" me because I didn't take her to some function she wanted to go to.  It wasn't that I didn't want to take her, I couldn't afford it and tried to explain that, but to no avail.  She would also go silent and not return my calls (also as a form of punishment, if she didn't get her way)  I quickly "NEXT"'d her.

42 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Women with high sex drives, who are sexually attracted to the guy, will jump him at the earliest time because, just like the guy, they have sexual needs.

 

By comparison, I was on a first date with this woman and she was kind of "plain Jane" and I wasn't feeling it. I didn't think I would be asking her out for date 2.  But at the end of the evening she invited me in for sex and it was "mind blowing".   I definitely wanted a "second helping" of that, then a third, etc. etc.   I got to know her better and we ended up having a really great long term relationship.

[Trail Blazer]

4 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

You did the right thing. Of course serial dating men want to get laid as fast as possible. Their agenda has nothing to do with yours. The right man for you will respect and understand that you want to determine real compatibility before taking that step. The others don't matter in the slightest. 

What is pertinent here is that OP went on seven dates before she decided that she would end it.  Seven dates!?  Have you ever waited that long before knowing if you want to be in a relationship with the guy? 

Conversely, would you wait seven dates (or more) before having sex, or would you have long ended it if he hadn't already?  Seven dates and no sex?  I'd be feeling friendzoned by that point.

[Trail Blazer]

7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

100% Agree... I was dating this one woman that took away sex to "punish" me because I didn't take her to some function she wanted to go to.  It wasn't that I didn't want to take her, I couldn't afford it and tried to explain that, but to no avail.  She would also go silent and not return my calls (also as a form of punishment, if she didn't get her way)  I quickly "NEXT"'d her.

By comparison, I was on a first date with this woman and she was kind of "plain Jane" and I wasn't feeling it. I didn't think I would be asking her out for date 2.  But at the end of the evening she invited me in for sex and it was "mind blowing".   I definitely wanted a "second helping" of that, then a third, etc. etc.   I got to know her better and we ended up having a really great long term relationship.

I've chronicled my dating experiences on here in the more recent times, so all I will say is that in my experience, the women who enjoy sex didn't make me wait.  The ones that were into me jumped my bones straight off the bat.

I dunno, man... I seemed to have enough women who wanted sex to never really have to ponder "how long" or "how many dates" before we'll do it.  Every date that went beyond two dates, I was never making the first move.  Meh, I guess I just got lucky...

[Datingdisabled]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

As we men get older, I think our tolerance for B.S. becomes lower whilst we have more clarity over what we actually want.  The irony here being that as we get older it becomes harder to meet new people whilst at the same time we've become more particular about just who we'll allow into our lives.

It's true. I've been coming out of my shell and meeting people. I also reactivated my old Facebook and the tolerance I have is very slim for people. I am typically a very calm and chill person. I don't have tolerance for overly excited or high energy people. If a person doesn't have the right energy, it becomes exhausting for me. 

[Ruby Slippers]

15 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Have you ever waited that long before knowing if you want to be in a relationship with the guy? 

Conversely, would you wait seven dates (or more) before having sex, or would you have long ended it if he hadn't already?  Seven dates and no sex?  I'd be feeling friendzoned by that point.

Absolutely I've waited much longer than 7 dates before having sex with a man, and in each case he was patient and after we had sex said it was worth the wait. It's a totally male skewed misconception that only women who don't love sex wait to have it. I'm a sexual dynamo with high drive, and very discerning about whom I have sex with, still have a very low body count compared to all my friends. I was listening to a great talk yesterday about how every sexual experience we have leaves a strong imprint and memory that we carry forever - and I was feeling so glad I've been so discerning, wishing I'd been even more so.

Of course it's impossible to speak from the perspective of a man since I'm not one, but if I were a man, I'd consider 7 dates trifling in the big picture and would have no problem waiting that long or longer. I'd appreciate that here's a woman who doesn't fall into bed with just anybody, hasn't accumulated tons of meaningless partners, and this could be something special. 

I'm at the point in life where I understand that every decision I made today potentially impacts the rest of my life, so I don't make decisions lightly. I'm willing to invest in something really good and be patient. A man who's not on that same page strikes me as impulsive, immature, and short-sighted - hence, I'd have no interest in him, anyway.

Also, men with daughters - what would you advise your daughter to do? Get naked with any guy who makes it to date 3? Or take your sweet little time to figure out if this guy is worth it?

[Happy Lemming]

23 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

 Seven dates and no sex?  I'd be feeling friendzoned by that point.

Back in the early 90's I was dating this woman, and I remember having a 6-8 week rule about getting sex.  "S' was the only woman who ever violated my 6-8 week rule, so she was dumped.

I've been dating for 40 years and I agree after 7 dates I would have "thrown in the towel", as well. 

[Trail Blazer]

11 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Absolutely I've waited much longer than 7 dates before having sex with a man, and in each case he was patient and after we had sex said it was worth the wait. It's a totally male skewed misconception that only women who don't love sex wait to have it. I'm a sexual dynamo with high drive, and very discerning about whom I have sex with, still have a very low body count compared to all my friends. I was listening to a great talk yesterday about how every sexual experience we have leaves a strong imprint and memory that we carry forever - and I was feeling so glad I've been so discerning, wishing I'd been even more so.

Of course it's impossible to speak from the perspective of a man since I'm not one, but if I were a man, I'd consider 7 dates trifling in the big picture and would have no problem waiting that long or longer. I'd appreciate that here's a woman who doesn't fall into bed with just anybody, hasn't accumulated tons of meaningless partners, and this could be something special. 

I'm at the point in life where I understand that every decision I made today potentially impacts the rest of my life, so I don't make decisions lightly. I'm willing to invest in something really good and be patient. A man who's not on that same page strikes me as impulsive, immature, and short-sighted - hence, I'd have no interest in him, anyway.

Also, men with daughters - what would you advise your daughter to do? Get naked with any guy who makes it to date 3? Or take your sweet little time to figure out if this guy is worth it?

How do you keep the interest levels up over seven-plus dates when there's no sex.  How physically intimate (if at all) are you getting during thosr dates?  

I have a daughter and thankfully she's still quite a few years off being in that situation.  I would encourage her to do what feels right and to not be pressured into doing something she doesn't want to do.

For all the talk of not wanting to wait seven dates, I would never pressure a girl into having sex with me.  Hence why I've never actually made the first move.  It's generally been her making the move.

It's a girl's prerogative to take as little or as long as she wants to have sex.  Every decision we make has consequences.  Just as it is a guy's prerogative to decide to stay, or walk if he feels it's not working for him.

My daughter, just like everyone else in life, will make her own decisions and find her own way in life and I'll be there to support her with whatever she may need.  Beyond that, I don't really want to know about her future private life.

[Azincourt]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

There's waiting for sex, then there's being put completely on ice. 

That's a case-by-case scenario.

When I was a young woman, there was this woman I was interested in sleeping with. Met her through friends. We'd party all night long several times a night. She was well aware of what I wanted from her because I used my lips to say, '' I want to have sex with you,''  often enough. She would tell me that she would only sleep with me if I was to enter a relationship with her, and then she was expecting me to get a job. At the time my life was pretty much beach, surf,  sun, and making money working odd jobs for friends of my parents.

Then one day, we're hanging out with a bunch of friends, and she drunkly tells me she had had sex with 14 guys. She was 21.

I'm thinking to my buttons.

''hmm, and she wants me to get a job, wait a month or two, maybe more, and then she might not even have sex with me, and if she does, the sex might be bad''.

What did I do? Block her phone and never taked to her again. That's how I gauge a woman's interest in me. She sleeps with me from the get-go,  the same night I meet her for the first time, or a couple of weeks after she's introduced to me etc? 

She's  into me, and it will be a good relationship if it turns into a relationship. She takes a month or more to have sex with me? I might be the only guy she knows with a job.

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

It's definitely true that for a guy who's looking only for sex, he will not wait around long at all if the sex is not forthcoming.

 

Plenty of men will wait months until their date will have sex with them, and then they will dump the woman, or the guy will wait months for sex but in the meantime he'll have sex with other women while waiting. There's all sorts of people out there. And the guy might even wait like a celibate monk for months, sleep with her, then dump her because the sex isn't good.

 

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

I know that what you're saying is tongue-in-cheek, however, the truth is that such an open-ended statement like: "if a man won't wait for sex, he's not interested" is fraught with danger. 

If a woman makes me wait for sex?

A) She's having sex with another guy but she sees me as having ''boyfriend'' potential.

B) She has a low sex-drive and if I date her,  Andorra will win more world soccer cups  than I will be having sex with her.

C) She's simply not attracted to me at all. Would she make Cristiano Ronaldo/Brad Pitt wait an hour?

If a woman doesn't feel as much attraction for me, as she'd feel for one of those titans of beauty and physical perfection: it's a waste of time and money, and effort, and youth to spend all of that on that woman.

 

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

Just how long does one make a man wait?  Is making him wait even the correct term?  Or is he simply made to wait by virtue of the woman wanting to be certain that he's not just wanting to use her for sex?

1 week to 2 weeks, tops. 3 weeks I'm going to start wondering what's wrong with me, physically, for her to not be attracted to me. I know I've gotten my last facial mask months and months ago, but It's not like I've gained weight.

 

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

Correlation often doesn't equal causation; no man who only want sex is willing to hang around and wait, but not all men who aren't willing to hang around and wait only want sex.

Women who adopt such notions need to be mindful of a confirmation-bias at play.  One could make a guy wait long enough to eventually deter even the most patient of men. 

Common sense needs to apply when determining whether a guy is actually serious, or whether he's a time waster looking for another notch on his belt.

Yeah, man. There's 3.5 billion women and 3.5 billion men out there in the world. There's someone out there who thinks you're Brad Pitt. It's just a matter of meeting enough women until you find a woman you are attracted to her like she'd be attracted to Brad Pitt, and in return attracted to you.

If that means meeting hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands of women, then so be it.

Just make sure you ain't paying for no dates.

Mom and Pops didn't raise no fool.

[Ruby Slippers]

15 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

How do you keep the interest levels up over seven-plus dates when there's no sex. 

I guess I'm interesting beyond my sex parts, and those men got the impression it would be worth the wait. There are plenty of things you can do short of having sex to get a sense of physical and sensual compatibility.

I'm sure, given you have a daughter, you can understand why a woman might want to take her time to get a know a man before doing the most intimate physical, mental, and emotional thing you can do with another person. Especially when the guy tells her he's not sure he's into her unless he has sex with her. Think about a man telling your daughter that on a date. Is this a man she should ever get near with a 10-foot pole? Hardly.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

I think you'll find that women who just aren't very sexual are the ones who'll use those reasons above to excuse their lack of sexuality.  Women with high sex drives, who are sexually attracted to the guy, will jump him at the earliest time because, just like the guy, they have sexual needs.

This is true, but it goes beyond basic sexual needs, at least for me.

When attracted to a man, it's more about my sexual desire for HIM!  

No judgment towards women who prefer to wait, but I never could, not when the energy was there for both of us.  

Edited September 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[meeji]

38 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Absolutely I've waited much longer than 7 dates before having sex with a man, and in each case he was patient and after we had sex said it was worth the wait. It's a totally male skewed misconception that only women who don't love sex wait to have it. I'm a sexual dynamo with high drive, and very discerning about whom I have sex with, still have a very low body count compared to all my friends. I was listening to a great talk yesterday about how every sexual experience we have leaves a strong imprint and memory that we carry forever - and I was feeling so glad I've been so discerning, wishing I'd been even more so.

Of course it's impossible to speak from the perspective of a man since I'm not one, but if I were a man, I'd consider 7 dates trifling in the big picture and would have no problem waiting that long or longer. I'd appreciate that here's a woman who doesn't fall into bed with just anybody, hasn't accumulated tons of meaningless partners, and this could be something special. 

I'm at the point in life where I understand that every decision I made today potentially impacts the rest of my life, so I don't make decisions lightly. I'm willing to invest in something really good and be patient. A man who's not on that same page strikes me as impulsive, immature, and short-sighted - hence, I'd have no interest in him, anyway.

Also, men with daughters - what would you advise your daughter to do? Get naked with any guy who makes it to date 3? Or take your sweet little time to figure out if this guy is worth it?

This is pretty much how I feel. I'm just not interested in casual sex.  The important piece for me is knowing that the man is well-intentioned.  If I feel like he is pressuring me, feeling entitled, or motivated by selfish reasons I'm going to be thinking twice. 

It's not about using sex to punish a man. Not all men are created equal. There are a lot of users and abusers out there and when women  make themselves vulnerable to these types of men it rarely ends well for the woman. 

If a man got the vibe that a woman was only after his money on a date he would be less willing to spend  it.   At the end of the day, no one wants to be taken advantage of.  It's up to us to advocate for ourselves.

Additionally, the hard and fast rule of if the woman doesn't put out by the 3rd date, she's not interested is indicating that men don't have the awareness to understand the other ways women can express intetest on a date. I'm just wondering if any of you walked away from options that could've been great partners because you didn't the validation you were seeking.

[central]

If it takes 7 dates or more before sex, I'll assume she's not into me and/or not into sex. (there may be some exceptions, of course)  There are so many other great women who would date me that I'd move on and find someone more compatible.  That said, that's my philosophy for dating.  OP should do what feels right for her, even if that limits her options and outcomes.

[Ruby Slippers]

4 minutes ago, meeji said:

Additionally, the hard and fast rule of if the woman doesn't put out by the 3rd date, she's not interested is indicating that men don't have the awareness to understand the other ways women can express intetest on a date. I'm just wondering if any of you walked away from options that could've been great partners because you didn't the validation you were seeking.

Men who have that rule have a certain mentality. They're not focused on finding a great partner. They're focused on scratching the next itch. Unless their mentality shifts, they have nothing to offer you or any woman who wants to build something meaningful. In other words, you've lost NOTHING by keeping the bar high, and spared yourself wasted time and energy.