basil67 Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 This is tricky to answer. I’m female and married, so thinking back to my old dating days. I can’t imagine getting to seven dates and not having had sex. By the same token, I can’t imagine getting to seven dates with a guy who’s not showing that he’s really keen.
Author meeji Posted September 12, 2020 Author Posted September 12, 2020 Thanks for all the comments! This feels like the opposite of slut shaming me for not having sex by date 3. Honestly, I've never had sex with anyone that soon, but I understand that this is pretty standard. Good to know that I'm the minority here. The guy was previously engaged ( they were together for 4 years) but she called if off and kicked him out. I thought maybe he was holding back emotionally because of that. It went on for 7 dates because I didn't want to make assumptions about him without knowing for sure how he felt. He was consistent with setting up dates and following through so he did seems interested. I just couldn't tell how interested. Not enough for me to lean in.
basil67 Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 3 minutes ago, meeji said: He was consistent with setting up dates and following through so he did seems interested. I just couldn't tell how interested. Not enough for me to lean in. Sounds like there wasn't adequate chemistry for you to want sex anyway. 2
Mrin Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 8 minutes ago, meeji said: Thanks for all the comments! This feels like the opposite of slut shaming me for not having sex by date 3. Honestly, I've never had sex with anyone that soon, but I understand that this is pretty standard. Good to know that I'm the minority here. The guy was previously engaged ( they were together for 4 years) but she called if off and kicked him out. I thought maybe he was holding back emotionally because of that. It went on for 7 dates because I didn't want to make assumptions about him without knowing for sure how he felt. He was consistent with setting up dates and following through so he did seems interested. I just couldn't tell how interested. Not enough for me to lean in. Ya that's a tricky one and I get it. We all have our standards and what it takes to feel comfortable. I'd just be cognizant of what signals it might be sending or reactions it might be causing. Transparency is always good.
Author meeji Posted September 12, 2020 Author Posted September 12, 2020 Well, I am the one that cut it off. So I would agree with you there. To me it just felt like his gestures were superficial to get me in the bed. He even said one night that he "didn't want to take advantage of me." There were several comments like that over the last 2 weeks that tipped me off. He said he was "living in the moment and not thinking about the future." He said he "didn't want to lead me on." He said things like he "didn't want to waste my time if things didn't work out." This is f***boy talk. These are not the kind of comments that come from a guy that is truly interested in a relationship or the person he is saying these things to. He was already setting up an exit. As I picked up on this, I invested only as much as he did and as a result of that, we never got beyond surface level interactions. Sure, we made out and had some roll around sessions in bed but that was all. I think women may not know why, but we can sense when something is off. Clearly, the two of us had intentions. 1
Trail Blazer Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 I wouldn't have lasted seven dates without sex. That's a clear indication that you aren't interested. You're clearly not intetested in him sexually, unless you're deeply religious or merely Asexual. I would have walked long before then. Who is the thread topic directed at? Where does who stand? After seven dates and no sex, he would be asking where he stands! I'm pretty sure he got his answer after his repeated attempts to be intimate with you were rejected. 3
Shining One Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 4 hours ago, meeji said: What woman looking for a serious relationship is going to be inclined to have sex with a man that's basically admitting there is no emotional investment on his end? Some of us (me included) hold ourselves back emotionally until after confirmation of sexual interest. After dating and emotionally investing in plenty of women who aren't sexually interested, one learns to be wary. Thus, I consider sex a prerequisite to emotional investment.
Author meeji Posted September 12, 2020 Author Posted September 12, 2020 6 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said: I wouldn't have lasted seven dates without sex. That's a clear indication that you aren't interested. You're clearly not intetested in him sexually, unless you're deeply religious or merely Asexual. I would have walked long before then. Who is the thread topic directed at? Where does who stand? After seven dates and no sex, he would be asking where he stands! I'm pretty sure he got his answer after his repeated attempts to be intimate with you were rejected. The thread is directed at anyone currently dating. He did get is his answer! We had an open discussion about it. As soon as he told me there was no emotional investment on his side that was it for me. There's no reason for me to have sex with him. I can go to the bar up the street for a similar experience if that's what I wanted. It's not about being religious, it's about wanting something of substance with he person I'm dating. 2
Author meeji Posted September 12, 2020 Author Posted September 12, 2020 9 minutes ago, Shining One said: Some of us (me included) hold ourselves back emotionally until after confirmation of sexual interest. After dating and emotionally investing in plenty of women who aren't sexually interested, one learns to be wary. Thus, I consider sex a prerequisite to emotional investment. What des that confirmation of sexual interest look like for you? If you were kissing the girl and fooling around on most of your dates, but not having sex with her would you feel like she wasn't interested in you sexually because penetration wasn't involved? or would you feel confident that she was sexually attracted to you? This is basically my scenario. If nothing at all was happening then yes, I can understand why the men are saying they would be walking away. 2
Trail Blazer Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 15 minutes ago, meeji said: The thread is directed at anyone currently dating. He did get is his answer! We had an open discussion about it. As soon as he told me there was no emotional investment on his side that was it for me. There's no reason for me to have sex with him. I can go to the bar up the street for a similar experience if that's what I wanted. It's not about being religious, it's about wanting something of substance with he person I'm dating. Do you think he hung around for seven dates just for sex? I can tell you now, if he just wanted sex he wouldn't have hung around for seven dates (unless he had zero other option). In fact, most guys who want a relationship won't hang around for seven dates if there's no sex, either. Nothing screams "prude" or, just bring strung along like a woman who withholds (or harbors zero willingness to engage in) intimacy. I don't know which part of the world you reside, but I'd suggest you solely focus on getting dates from conservative/Christian dating site. The reality is that to the majority of the sexually liberated world, you're seemingly an entirely different planet. 1
Mrin Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 13 minutes ago, meeji said: What des that confirmation of sexual interest look like for you? If you were kissing the girl and fooling around on most of your dates, but not having sex with her would you feel like she wasn't interested in you sexually because penetration wasn't involved? or would you feel confident that she was sexually attracted to you? This is basically my scenario. If nothing at all was happening then yes, I can understand why the men are saying they would be walking away. Hmmmmm that's a good question. As I think about it... It is the full on sex thing for me. Mostly. I did have one relationship that was at the everything but stage for a while. Ok not to get too graphic but for me in that particular relationship the connection occured (before penetrative sex) because I was bringing her to orgasm - a lot. It is weird - it is just how my mind works. That made a difference in that case for me. I could get really analytical about it but I think it's easier to think about it from an energetic standpoint. There was a completion of a sexual energy circuit that allowed everything to continue developing. Hope this helps! Mrin
Trail Blazer Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 14 minutes ago, meeji said: What des that confirmation of sexual interest look like for you? If you were kissing the girl and fooling around on most of your dates, but not having sex with her would you feel like she wasn't interested in you sexually because penetration wasn't involved? or would you feel confident that she was sexually attracted to you? This is basically my scenario. If nothing at all was happening then yes, I can understand why the men are saying they would be walking away. It entirely depends on the context. This happened to me with one of my exes. But that only happened once. It was on our third date, I came back to her house and it was a weekday. She had just put her son to bed and it was late. There was no intention to have sex, and in fact, she invited me in when all we had planned to do that night was have McDonald's so I could meet her son. That following weekend her son went with her parents. We had our fourth date and we had passionate sex that night. In this particular instance, I knew that she wanted to have sex with me, but that the timing wasn't right. I knew that she was going to have sex with me soon after, that weekend as it turned out... A guy will wait if he has an idea that it's coming within a reasonable time frame, of he really likes the girl. I really liked her, I understood the situation and I knew unequivocally that she liked me, wanted to have sex with me and would soon enough. What message have you sent this guy? How long were you planning to drift along before, as you put it, "penetration" would ensue? Were you waiting for him to put a ring on it first?
Author meeji Posted September 13, 2020 Author Posted September 13, 2020 2 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said: Do you think he hung around for seven dates just for sex? I can tell you now, if he just wanted sex he wouldn't have hung around for seven dates (unless he had zero other option). In fact, most guys who want a relationship won't hang around for seven dates if there's no sex, either. Nothing screams "prude" or, just bring strung along like a woman who withholds (or harbors zero willingness to engage in) intimacy. I don't know which part of the world you reside, but I'd suggest you solely focus on getting dates from conservative/Christian dating site. The reality is that to the majority of the sexually liberated world, you're seemingly an entirely different planet. I have no interest in dating conservative or religious men but thanks for the suggestion. 1
Shining One Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 23 minutes ago, meeji said: What des that confirmation of sexual interest look like for you? For me, it's full on sex. I've never had a "promise" of future sex come to fruition, hence my wariness in this area. I fully accept that it's "me" problem though and plenty of other men are willing to accept other signs of sexual interest.
Trail Blazer Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, meeji said: I have no interest in dating conservative or religious men but thanks for the suggestion. Okay, but think about my first paragraph. What do you think his end game was after seven dates? Do you think that sex was his only modus operandi all along? Edited September 13, 2020 by Trail Blazer
Datingdisabled Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 1 minute ago, Trail Blazer said: Okay, but think about my first paragraph. What do you think his end game was after seven dates? Do you think that sex was his only modus operandi all along? I'm not going to pretend I am knowledgeable and this is no way represents how I feel, so you men can comment on this better. I knew this guy Mike who was with a women for about 8 weeks and didn't know how he felt. We all told him that he should go find someone else and forget about her then because she really liked him. He didn't have high standards for dating and found someone who could work but wasn't head over heels for her. Probably what happened here, no? Men settle. They all freaking settle and then tell a women to go settle. Ill settle alright, I'll settle for if all to myself. I don't like to share! I'm too greedy for marriage.
poppyfields Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said: I wouldn't have lasted seven dates without sex. That's a clear indication that you aren't interested. You're clearly not intetested in him sexually, unless you're deeply religious or merely Asexual. I would have walked long before then. Who is the thread topic directed at? Where does who stand? After seven dates and no sex, he would be asking where he stands! I'm pretty sure he got his answer after his repeated attempts to be intimate with you were rejected. This^ is consistent with what my male friends, brothers and boyfriends have told me. It's the male frame versus female frame which is if a man won't wait for sex, he's not interested. Yin/yang, Mars/Venus. Embrace the differences! Lol. 2
Author meeji Posted September 13, 2020 Author Posted September 13, 2020 1 minute ago, Trail Blazer said: It entirely depends on the context. This happened to me with one of my exes. But that only happened once. It was on our third date, I came back to her house and it was a weekday. She had just put her son to bed and it was late. There was no intention to have sex, and in fact, she invited me in when all we had planned to do that night was have McDonald's so I could meet her son. That following weekend her son went with her parents. We had our fourth date and we had passionate sex that night. In this particular instance, I knew that she wanted to have sex with me, but that the timing wasn't right. I knew that she was going to have sex with me soon after, that weekend as it turned out... A guy will wait if he has an idea that it's coming within a reasonable time frame, of he really likes the girl. I really liked her, I understood the situation and I knew unequivocally that she liked me, wanted to have sex with me and would soon enough. What message have you sent this guy? How long were you planning to drift along before, as you put it, "penetration" would ensue? Were you waiting for him to put a ring on it first? We had play dates in both of our beds. It wasn't like I was slapping the guy's wrist with ruler anytime he tried to touch me, which is how you make sound. LOL. There was no lack of interest on my side. It just felt like throughout the whole process sex what was he was focused on, so I slowed things down. It didn't feel like he was actually present when we were together, just in a rush to have sex. I wasn't waiting for a ring. I waiting on some indication that it was about more than sex for him. He didn't have other options. When I broke it off he made a comment about COVID dating was weird and that he didn't want to get back on the dating apps to look for someone else. People have been cooped up in their houses for 6 months. It's easy to imagine that someone will go on 7 dates with someone out of convenience just for the human interaction. This is how it appeared to me and not that he was into me personally and looking for things to move forward...especially when he is telling me that he doesn't want to lead me on or waste my time. At this point, you're trolling me pretty hard. I understand your point of view. It's clear that we have different perspectives. Thanks for the feedback. 1 1
Trail Blazer Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 3 minutes ago, Datingdisabled said: I'm not going to pretend I am knowledgeable and this is no way represents how I feel, so you men can comment on this better. I knew this guy Mike who was with a women for about 8 weeks and didn't know how he felt. We all told him that he should go find someone else and forget about her then because she really liked him. He didn't have high standards for dating and found someone who could work but wasn't head over heels for her. Probably what happened here, no? Men settle. They all freaking settle and then tell a women to go settle. Ill settle alright, I'll settle for if all to myself. I don't like to share! I'm too greedy for marriage. All men settle? I'm not so sure about that... I can tell you now, I don't. Unless a woman stokes the fire in my loins and my synapses then she'll either be an FWB or get friendzoned.
Author meeji Posted September 13, 2020 Author Posted September 13, 2020 2 minutes ago, poppyfields said: This^ is consistent with what my male friends, brothers and boyfriends have told me. It's the male frame versus female frame which is if a man won't wait for sex, he's not interested. Yin/yang, Mars/Venus. Embrace the differences! Lol. I think you are right about this. I've ready the book :).
Datingdisabled Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 Just now, Trail Blazer said: All men settle? I'm not so sure about that... I can tell you now, I don't. Unless a woman stokes the fire in my loins and my synapses then she'll either be an FWB or get friendzoned. I know I just made a sarcastic point about having a crush on this forum and I don't. I am saying this merely as a compliment and respect your girlfriend. Your picture and your posts prove you are a catch! I'm glad you don't settle but in my experience, many do!
Trail Blazer Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, meeji said: We had play dates in both of our beds. It wasn't like I was slapping the guy's wrist with ruler anytime he tried to touch me, which is how you make sound. LOL. There was no lack of interest on my side. It just felt like throughout the whole process sex what was he was focused on, so I slowed things down. It didn't feel like he was actually present when we were together, just in a rush to have sex. I wasn't waiting for a ring. I waiting on some indication that it was about more than sex for him. He didn't have other options. When I broke it off he made a comment about COVID dating was weird and that he didn't want to get back on the dating apps to look for someone else. People have been cooped up in their houses for 6 months. It's easy to imagine that someone will go on 7 dates with someone out of convenience just for the human interaction. This is how it appeared to me and not that he was into me personally and looking for things to move forward...especially when he is telling me that he doesn't want to lead me on or waste my time. At this point, you're trolling me pretty hard. I understand your point of view. It's clear that we have different perspectives. Thanks for the feedback. I'll take what you say at face value. What it actually comes down to is that you feel he just wanted sex and he wasn't interested in you. That means there wasn't a lot of chemistry. You took seven dates to realize this? That's okay, at least you figured it out and ended it, evenutally. Let's just go with the notion that he was just after sex and wasn't all that interested in you, however, Covid has caused a situation where he was feeling lonely and isolated. So, spending time with another human being of the opposite sex, even if he wasn't a), all the interested in her as a person, and b) wasn't getting the sex he so desired was still preferable to bring alone. That's entirely plausible. What's pertinent here is, how long would you wait to have sex if you perceived the guy to be genuinely interested in you and wasn't pushing? Would you still expect him to sit back and wait until you made the first move? What if he initiated? Do you harbor some kind of deep-seated confirmation-bias that any guy who makes a move sex does so only because that's all he's after? Edited September 13, 2020 by Trail Blazer
amerikajin Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 6 hours ago, meeji said: Greetings! I am curious to know from both male and female perspectives where you would be at the 7th date mark. I recently broke it off with a guy because I felt like we had spent enough time together to have a general idea, but he was saying he needed more intimacy (sexual) to figure out how he felt about me. He claimed that his emotions are disengaged until sex happened. It felt like a "try it before you buy it " scenario to me because from the start he was trying to skip steps in the dating process. I'm not looking for casual. I feel like plenty of relationship-minded men would be fine with going at a slower pace. Your thoughts? If you're feeling weird after 7 dates, it's time to see other people. I don't think you made a mistake. We all want and hope that the sex is good, but I tend to see if I like and admire the person first and then hope the sex is at least okay.
Fletch Lives Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 You don't have to have sex to fall in love with somebody........and you don't need test drives. Op did the right thing. 4 1
Azincourt Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 13 hours ago, meeji said: Greetings! I am curious to know from both male and female perspectives where you would be at the 7th date mark. I recently broke it off with a guy because I felt like we had spent enough time together to have a general idea, but he was saying he needed more intimacy (sexual) to figure out how he felt about me. He claimed that his emotions are disengaged until sex happened. It felt like a "try it before you buy it " scenario to me because from the start he was trying to skip steps in the dating process. I'm not looking for casual. I feel like plenty of relationship-minded men would be fine with going at a slower pace. Your thoughts? I7 dates and no sex? Not even anything else that would be of a sexually intimate nature? Just kissing? Or not even kissing? Are you enforcing these rules because you are afraid of covid-19? if that's the case, you're smart. If that ain't it, I'd just assume you are not sexually attracted to me. Going on 7 dates, probably months have passed by, and she's treating me like I got the black plague or something? What is the ''dating process''? What are those ''steps?'' I can't and I don't want to be in a relationship on which a girlfriend of mine sees sex as something to be doled out, like I have to win it by putting in immense work, or money, or effort, or time, to prove myself to be ''different'' from all the other guys. A) I begin to believe she has a low sex drive. B) sees sex as something dirty or ''special'' which is a way of saying raised religiously. C) is not sexually attracted to me. I'm relationship-oriented myself, but I'm not a monk.
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