meeji Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 Greetings! I am curious to know from both male and female perspectives where you would be at the 7th date mark. I recently broke it off with a guy because I felt like we had spent enough time together to have a general idea, but he was saying he needed more intimacy (sexual) to figure out how he felt about me. He claimed that his emotions are disengaged until sex happened. It felt like a "try it before you buy it " scenario to me because from the start he was trying to skip steps in the dating process. I'm not looking for casual. I feel like plenty of relationship-minded men would be fine with going at a slower pace. Your thoughts?
Wiseman2 Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 1 minute ago, meeji said: It felt like a "try it before you buy it " scenario to me because from the start he was trying to skip steps in the dating process. I'm not looking for casual. This seems like fair perspective. As an aside he sounds a bit manipulative. Most people are ok with the exclusive talk before sex. 4
Datingdisabled Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: This seems like fair perspective. As an aside he sounds a bit manipulative. Most people are ok with the exclusive talk before sex. I would want to try it before I buy it. 1
Author meeji Posted September 12, 2020 Author Posted September 12, 2020 1 minute ago, Datingdisabled said: I would want to try it before I buy it. What woman looking for a serious relationship is going to be inclined to have sex with a man that's basically admitting there is no emotional investment on his end? This is how I perceived his comments, which killed any sort of interest I had in getting physical with him. 9
Datingdisabled Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 Just now, meeji said: What woman looking for a serious relationship is going to be inclined to have sex with a man that's basically admitting there is no emotional investment on his end? This is how I perceived his comments, which killed any sort of interest I had in getting physical with him. I was just making reference to the fact that I would want to sleep with a man before we started dating exclusively. I was more so referring to seven dates without sex. To me, that's too long. I'm not a very patient person and if I didn't sleep with a man by the third date, I'd pull back. 1
Datingdisabled Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 3 minutes ago, meeji said: What woman looking for a serious relationship is going to be inclined to have sex with a man that's basically admitting there is no emotional investment on his end? This is how I perceived his comments, which killed any sort of interest I had in getting physical with him. I re read it and I'm still gonna agree that sex can also kill feelings. You find out compatibility through sex too! You go on a date and build up anticipation until you can't wait to walk in the door. That's how it would need to be for me or I walk. 1
Author meeji Posted September 12, 2020 Author Posted September 12, 2020 1 minute ago, Datingdisabled said: I was just making reference to the fact that I would want to sleep with a man before we started dating exclusively. I was more so referring to seven dates without sex. To me, that's too long. I'm not a very patient person and if I didn't sleep with a man by the third date, I'd pull back. That makes sense. I would not be comfortable sleeping with someone knowing that they're sleeping with others (more so during Covid) and especially not if the guy is saying he doesn't actually care about me. That's a hookup vs. a dating situation moving in the direction of a relationship to me. 4
Datingdisabled Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 Just now, meeji said: That makes sense. I would not be comfortable sleeping with someone knowing that they're sleeping with others (more so during Covid) and especially not if the guy is saying he doesn't actually care about me. That's a hookup vs. a dating situation moving in the direction of a relationship to me. You don't specifically mention that he says that. The issue is if you date random people to find a relationship, then you are settling. I'm having fun with men until one comes into my life that I want a relationship with. That means, I'm having sex with men I'm not marrying. That's just me and what I would want to do.
Wiseman2 Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 20 minutes ago, meeji said: he was saying he needed more intimacy (sexual) to figure out how he felt about me. Lose his number. I'll sleep with you but so far I'm just 'meh'? 6
Datingdisabled Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: Lose his number. I'll sleep with you but so far I'm just 'meh'? Where do you live? I'm crushing on you big time!
Datingdisabled Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 Is it just me or do you want to date @Wiseman2 ? I'm feeling a crush loveshack. I'm not sure how this happened.
Author meeji Posted September 12, 2020 Author Posted September 12, 2020 What I want to know is after 7 dates is anyone confused or still figuring out what the potential looks like with the person you're seeing, or do you usually know before that? I feel like this partucular guy was just thirsty from quarantine and thought I would be down for the ride. My vibe was that he wasn't particularly interested in me as a person, but what he could get from me during the dry spell. So, I ended it. I'm more or less wondering how many dates it takes others to know that they want to take it to the next step. As for the sex part, everyone has diffent requirements there. I'm not debating when people should or shouldn't put out.
Datingdisabled Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 Just now, meeji said: What I want to know is after 7 dates is anyone confused or still figuring out what the potential looks like with the person you're seeing, or do you usually know before that? I feel like this partucular guy was just thirsty from quarantine and thought I would be down for the ride. My vibe was that he wasn't particularly interested in me as a person, but what he could get from me during the dry spell. So, I ended it. I'm more or less wondering how many dates it takes others to know that they want to take it to the next step. As for the sex part, everyone has diffent requirements there. I'm not debating when people should or shouldn't put out. There is no time. I've been excited about men and then after sex, was disappointed and my feelings changed.
DarrenB Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 (edited) A desperate individual with the sole intention to have sex with you... if you are not looking for casual then you dodged a bullet here. The poor in-genuine excuses, trying to shorten the dating process - prominent red flags indicating that a hookup is what he was after. It typically takes me 3-4 dates of different activities to understand the other person on a romantic level. It is just preference, but it is all dependent on how both parties interact with each other during each time. If you don't appear compatible enough sometimes you prolong the dating process and drag it out to try and iron out any potential feelings, which appears to be what the scenario here is. Edited September 12, 2020 by DarrenB 1
Author meeji Posted September 12, 2020 Author Posted September 12, 2020 8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Lose his number. I'll sleep with you but so far I'm just 'meh'? Took care of that yesterday! @Datingdisabled That is also fair. My point is that before you had sex with the guy you were excited about him. I understand that sex can change things, but the initial interest needs to be present on both side for me before sex can happen.
Datingdisabled Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 (edited) 2 minutes ago, meeji said: Took care of that yesterday! @Datingdisabled That is also fair. My point is that before you had sex with the guy you were excited about him. I understand that sex can change things, but the initial interest needs to be present on both side for me before sex can happen. I think if I didn't sleep with him and continued to date him, the feelings would have wore off. I think you and this guy were not a match but my question is why did you let it go 7 dates? If you had sex on the 3rd, you would have saved four more dates to find this out. Edit: but don't ask me, I caught feelings for @Wiseman2 on this forum but it may not be real. There's a seed though. Edited September 12, 2020 by Datingdisabled
Wiseman2 Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 8 minutes ago, meeji said: I feel like this like this guy was just thirsty from quarantine and thought I would be down for the ride. "Quarantine thirst" 3
Datingdisabled Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 Just now, Wiseman2 said: "Quarantine thirst"
mark clemson Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 2 hours ago, Datingdisabled said: I'm not a very patient person and if I didn't sleep with a man by the third date, I'd pull back. While I'm not dating, so take with a grain of salt, my feelings on the converse side are true as well. If, as an adult, there was little interest in sex and/or heavy petting after 3 dates on her side, I would probably figure "this isn't working" and walk away. There could possibly be exceptions to that, e.g. if there was some good reason being expressed. However, there are guys who will wait longer while the woman "figures it out" (or he does), so there's nothing inherently wrong with it. I think they are fairly rare. Overall, I figure if a woman is genuinely interested in me, she should be a) interested in sex and b) to some extent interested in "locking me down" via progressing the relationship (via sex but possibly some other things as well; e.g. if she wants to be exclusive, that could/should reasonably be on the table). I think after 7 dates if she hasn't figured it out, my time is better spent elsewhere. I recognize from reading this board that there ARE women out there (and men too I suspect) who are simply like that. But I'm not, so I suspect it would be on to greener pastures. 4
Dork Vader Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 2 hours ago, meeji said: Greetings! I am curious to know from both male and female perspectives where you would be at the 7th date mark. I recently broke it off with a guy because I felt like we had spent enough time together to have a general idea, but he was saying he needed more intimacy (sexual) to figure out how he felt about me. He claimed that his emotions are disengaged until sex happened. It felt like a "try it before you buy it " scenario to me because from the start he was trying to skip steps in the dating process. I'm not looking for casual. I feel like plenty of relationship-minded men would be fine with going at a slower pace. Your thoughts? i can understand your view on it. But talk of exclusivity does not guarantee it will last after sex has happened. I have been in the position in which we both w
central Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 7 dates and no sex? I'd be okay with that IF I thought someone was really special. However, we could become exclusive, have sex, find we're not sexually compatible, and that would be the end of it even if I'd developed feelings. I dated dozens of women after my divorce. ALL of them initiated sex by the 3rd or 4th date, some on the 2nd - I'd have waited longer if necessary. On the other hand, if a woman waits too long, I'd wonder if our attitudes towards intimacy are too different, and also wonder if her libido would be too low to be a good match. I certainly would not want - or stay in - a relationship where sex wasn't good and frequent at the start. Anyway, the the 7th date we'd probably have had sex multiple times AND become exclusive if we're a good match. I usually know by the 2nd date (3rd at most) if we're compatible in everything but sex, so sex is then the remaining - and deciding - factor for continuing a relationship. Even then, 3, 6, 12 months later something can derail a relationship, red flags can appear, etc., so there are never any guarantees even after marriage.
poppyfields Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 Hi meeji! Don't shoot the messenger (me!) but there are some men who actually don't know how they feel and what they want until sex. They may be attracted physically but uncertain emotionally. Not all men obviously but some, maybe even many. I've read this and also heard this from men in my support group, from my brothers and a couple of boyfriends even. Women are the exact opposite - relationship first, then sex. For.men, sex first, then relationship. Most men would never admit this to the woman they're dating. They simply have sex and determine how they feel afterwards. If there was some emotional bonding prior, chances are the sex will solidify it. But that's not always a guarantee either. Bottom line is it's all a risk, there are never any guarantees. Ever! You could wait six months to have sex and have it all fall apart afterwards. Or you could have sex the first date and have a relationship that lasts years! Which is what happened with me and my ex. That is why I personally like to have sex early. My current boyfriend is actually the first man I didnt, believe it or not HE wanted to wait! I know unheard of! Lol The issue here is your boyfriend was being honest with you, and you assumed he was full of crap. He might have been, it's hard to know. Again dating, sex, relationships are one huge anxiety-provoking risk but worth it if you have the temperament for it! 1
Dork Vader Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 I don't know what happened with my above post. This websites unwillingness to allow us to actually edit threads has made me post an entirely new one again. Hint hint mods, let us edit and delete threads. I can understand you not wanting to be a, try it before you buy it. But wanting to know what the sex is going to be like is not entirely unreasonable either. It does not necessarily mean they are not serious. Once things get intimate things become exclusive for me. I make it fairly clear that once sex starts I have expectations of exclusivity form them as well. I don't want to end up as a guest on Dr. Phill episode of who's the daddy, amongst other things. I also tend to only seriously go on dates with one person at a time, even if we are not having sex, for a lot of different reasons. Some of those reasons, 1 dating is expensive, 2. it's hard to juggle dating multiple people at once and can be mentally exhausting. 3. I get annoyed when my phone has more alarms going off than the Apollo 13 command module, 4. it's very easy to end up in a position in which you get your feelings confused.. So I like to focus on one person at a time. Agreeing to be exclusive before things get intimate does not always mean it will last. If the sex is not good and you can't get on the same page about making it good, then I doubt the relationship will last long. You'll both lose interest in even trying and shortly after the relationship will fail, especially in new relationships. There is a deep connection that happens with intimacy and when that's missing it does not take long for the relationship to have issues. When that lacks it won't take long for the relationship to feel more like a friendship and less like a relationship.Trust me this is more common than you would realize. I also tend to find labels/agreements to be fairly juvenile and not really worth all that much. People are either going to be faithful loyal types or they are not. Putting a label on the relationship won't change the type of person they are. Now have discussions about what exclusivity is, where it starts and ends are fine.. But again actions speak louder than words.. Dated plenty of woman who demanded exclusivity, yet they cheated on me.. Dated plenty of women who did not really worry about labels or demands and were more interested in my actions, they never cheated once.
Mrin Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 Dude here. I wouldn't be going on a 7th date with a woman if we weren't having sex. That's not because I'm some sort of horndog either. There are plenty of FWB's and other casual sex opportunities out there for that. Lol. For me sexual intimacy is a really important part of romance and developing a strong relationship. I have gone this route (a bunch of dates with no sex) and the best way I can describe it is "relationship interrupted". Things and feelings can progress only so far and then they start to wither on the vine without intimacy for lack of a better term. That being said - if there was an "outside" reason for the lack of intimacy (e.g. medical etc) then actually that would make a difference. Which is kinda strange if you think about it. Hope this helps! Mrin 1
poppyfields Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 I'm confused about this not "trying before buying" mindset as if it's something bad or negative? Is that not what dating is? Trying each other out to determine if we're the right fit long term? Which includes sex! Why is a bad thing? Do some people truly believe there are guarantees, like having sex after a certain number of dates, that will give them the assurance it will all work out? Again, there are never any guarantees. You must be willing to take the risk, otherwise imo you have no business dating at all. Men and women are different in how we pursue relationships. Yin/yang, Mars/Venus. I have flaws and I'm certainly not perfect, but one thing I've got going for me is that I'm learning to understand our differences and embrace them versus distrusting, criticizing and dumping men for these differences.
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