Author tokidoki Posted September 16, 2020 Author Posted September 16, 2020 hmm. I think if you'd rather leave it, you'd take the opportunity to leave it/just not respond. I've been on the end of games and I've been on the end of disinterest. It feels more like the former. So I'll make myself scarce, and see what she does. Her loss.
Acacia98 Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 On 9/12/2020 at 11:34 AM, davidsonramirez said: We were talking about dating in general and I said 'well apparently this was a set-up, so maybe we can call it a 50% date', and she sad 'hmm maybe 30%', and I laughed. A little later we ended up kissing and she wasn't particularly shy about that. It was a really nice vibe. (...) The next day I got her number and sent her 'Ciao Bella! It was lovely to meet you last night! Would you like to go on a 100% date one of these days?'. She said she could offer a 51% date which i thought was quite cute, but then when i tried to set a date, she claimed to be busy and said she would get back to me. Maybe it's just me, but when I read the "30%" and "51%", I had a feeling the story would end with her flaking out on you. It may have been banter, but there was something reluctant about it to me. I hope I'm wrong, but she really does sound to me like the sort of person who's good at giving mixed signals. If you allow her to, she'll confuse you. On 9/15/2020 at 2:30 PM, davidsonramirez said: I have no intention whatsoever of being mean, as I'm not offended if she doesn't want to go out with me. She just needs to tell me if she doesn't. She could tell you if she wants to. But it's not something you can make her do. I think you should relax your expectation that she will communicate the way you want her to. Take her flaking out for what it is: communication that she isn't that interested.
Author tokidoki Posted September 16, 2020 Author Posted September 16, 2020 56 minutes ago, Acacia98 said: Maybe it's just me, but when I read the "30%" and "51%", I had a feeling the story would end with her flaking out on you. It may have been banter, but there was something reluctant about it to me. I hope I'm wrong, but she really does sound to me like the sort of person who's good at giving mixed signals. If you allow her to, she'll confuse you. . Yes, totally. That's sort of what I'm addressing by saying 'It's OK if you're lukewarm about it - we can leave it'. You're either into it or you aren't. Granted I can't 'make' her tell me if she isn't interested. But if she says 'can we reschedule' my answer is going to be more or less 'yes, but I don't want to waste my time if you're not interested'. It's not going to be 'yep sure!' if I've just been flaked on.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 5 hours ago, davidsonramirez said: hmm. I think if you'd rather leave it, you'd take the opportunity to leave it/just not respond. You'd think, yes. But some people are just not good at saying "no" and prefer to fizzle. Not the most mature way to handle it but it's not unheard of. 1
elaine567 Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 3 hours ago, davidsonramirez said: But if she says 'can we reschedule' my answer is going to be more or less 'yes, but I don't want to waste my time if you're not interested'. It's not going to be 'yep sure!' if I've just been flaked on. I have a feeling she may be pretty "hot"... 1
Azincourt Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 Quote I have a feeling she may be pretty "hot"... Why, is he supposed to date women he's not attracted to? Does that mean women should date men they aren't attracted to? Besides, there's plenty of guys who are keen on average-looking women. I was once at a restaurant and I saw a middle-aged dude spend top dollar on a dinner to impress a woman his age who wasn't anything home to write about. When there's a deep, strong, beautiful emotional connection guys all the time reject the hot woman who is boring, for the plain jane who makes them feel great.
elaine567 Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 4 minutes ago, Azincourt said: Why, is he supposed to date women he's not attracted to? No, but she is flaky and showing signs of disinterest and he is still in there... 1
Azincourt Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 6 minutes ago, elaine567 said: No, but she is flaky and showing signs of disinterest and he is still in there... There's plenty of dudes who are dating flaky average-looking women. Men who think their average-looking woman is Princess Diane. Don't assume guys are only thirsty for hot women, because frankly we're thirsty for almost any woman.
Wiseman2 Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 11 hours ago, davidsonramirez said: I could continue with the chase for fun but it doesn't set a solid foundation for a relationship which is what I'm looking for at this point. Chase someone who wants to get caught. This situation seems like a waste of your time. 1
Author tokidoki Posted September 16, 2020 Author Posted September 16, 2020 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: You'd think, yes. But some people are just not good at saying "no" and prefer to fizzle. Not the most mature way to handle it but it's not unheard of. Yeah. But those people probably wouldn't 'get back to me' with a day and just let it fizzle at that point. That's what I'd do. If they chase, I'd ignore and hope they'd take the hint. 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: No, but she is flaky and showing signs of disinterest and he is still in there... I'm wondering why she's flakey though.
Author tokidoki Posted September 16, 2020 Author Posted September 16, 2020 So my brother's GF came over for an art lesson and asked me about this. I told her about the weird behaviour. She said that this girl can often act insecure and can be confusing, and often asks her 'the best thing to say'. And she says her advice is always to be clear and say what you mean. It sort of rings true in this situation, but doesn't really help me figure out if she is playing hard to get because she doesn't want to appear keen, or if she's trying to let me down easy to spare my feelings. I suppose only time will tell. She did say that after we met in the pub, they were texting and she said that she had had a really nice time with me. So seems like she is more interested than uninterested and is playing a little too hard to get.
Starry_eyed Posted September 16, 2020 Posted September 16, 2020 If this is how her complexities play out when committing yes or no to a date, what will it be like IF you finally do go out with her again, how likely do you think it is that second guessing her confused behaviour will end there? If she does like you and is behaving like this to not look too keen, is that the behaviour and mindset of someone who is ready for/can sustain a healthy, mature relationship? Sounds like it would be an emotional rollercoaster. Looking at this chat, a significant enough amount of energy is being taken up on your side to try and figure out what she wants because she can't communicate properly. I'm sure there are many other girls you could be compatible with if you're not so invested in this girl. I hope you reach a positive outcome for you.
Author tokidoki Posted September 16, 2020 Author Posted September 16, 2020 45 minutes ago, Starry_eyed said: If this is how her complexities play out when committing yes or no to a date, what will it be like IF you finally do go out with her again, how likely do you think it is that second guessing her confused behaviour will end there? If she does like you and is behaving like this to not look too keen, is that the behaviour and mindset of someone who is ready for/can sustain a healthy, mature relationship? Sounds like it would be an emotional rollercoaster. Hahaha, this is what I always tell myself - that you should not bother and move on to someone who makes it easier. But there are so few out there, it seems! It's a diamond in the rough situation. It seems like game playing is inevitable, and open honest communication is a lofty, unrealistic expectation to have of most people. even in my relationships that have started off with openness, games have always transpired in the end. I am starting to feel like this is the case. People will just avoid emotional interaction in the interest of self-preservation at the best of times. That's not to say they are unemotional, but most people do find it more difficult than easy to express their feelings. They say the best thing to do is make them feel safe to do so, which is what I'm trying to do here. Unfortunately it is intimidating for most...
Starry_eyed Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 (edited) 8 hours ago, davidsonramirez said: Hahaha, this is what I always tell myself - that you should not bother and move on to someone who makes it easier. But there are so few out there, it seems! It's a diamond in the rough situation. It seems like game playing is inevitable, and open honest communication is a lofty, unrealistic expectation to have of most people. even in my relationships that have started off with openness, games have always transpired in the end. I am starting to feel like this is the case. People will just avoid emotional interaction in the interest of self-preservation at the best of times. That's not to say they are unemotional, but most people do find it more difficult than easy to express their feelings. They say the best thing to do is make them feel safe to do so, which is what I'm trying to do here. Unfortunately it is intimidating for most... My point wasn't to suggest moving on solely because it's easier, I get we are imperfect beings and sometimes it can be the rough diamond situation. I wasn't the best communicator in my first relationship but I improved on that over time, I had an understanding partner and I was willing to change. I wonder if you might be confusing game playing with manipulation. We all manipulate in big or small ways to get what we want but game playing is not something everyone does. It sounds like you were clear with her and not playing games, you laid your cards on the table. There are girls who do that too, you just haven't met them yet. Self-preservation is very important for sure and at first I get that people have their guard up more than others for a range of reasons. However it may be very difficult to navigate this situation if her guard is so high when you're asking her something relatively simple. If however you have the time, patience and like her so much that you want to make her feel safe and take it at her pace - without yet knowing for sure if she is interested - then do that. Let us know what happens! Edited September 17, 2020 by Starry_eyed
Azincourt Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 (edited) Quote I'm wondering why she's flakey though. I've had women who were flakey with me but seem to display some interest. They were flakey because: A) they had a hotter guy they were interested in to have a relationship with, but these fellas pulled the old classic of hit it and quit it, but apparently these women thought I had ''boyfriend potential'' ewww and they wanted me to stay around. What did they do to try and keep me hanging around them? They'd be flirty. They'd tell stuff like, ''oh, you're gonna love it when we have sex''(we never did) and they'd talk about how good they are at this or that sex act. Now, momma raised no fool, and my mother has always been adamant in his teachings that when a woman is attracted to ME and not to what I can do for her, or be for her: she will sleep with me readily. That means I don't have to pursue her. I don't have to take her out on dates. I don't have to wonder ''wait, she flaked on me for the 2nd week in the row. Is it so she can catch the latest episodes of Eastenders????'' B) Because they were so hot they had so many options so they had a beeline of guys waiting our turn and she couldn't decide which guy to pick from because she was attracted to every one of us. Honestly, she should have just dated all of us, as most of the guys who wanted her aren't particularly big believers in monogamy. Or maybe the woman OP is interested in is simply just not interested in him, but she's bored, she hasn't gone on any dates, and she wants some attention and diversion. Edited September 17, 2020 by Azincourt
Author tokidoki Posted September 17, 2020 Author Posted September 17, 2020 Well, she responded to me with a clear answer: Hey, I really liked meeting you last week but I have a lot going on atm and my focus is somewhere else. So I don’t want to keep you hanging but give me a shout next time you’re in Town! X Not sure why she didn't say that a week ago and dragged it out, but hey ho. 1
Azincourt Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 So much work, dude. Aren't there any other women who are more keen to go on a date with you that you are as interested in them as you are on this person?
Author tokidoki Posted September 17, 2020 Author Posted September 17, 2020 Yeah. I've got another date on Friday, no sweat man! I just like to get strangers' opinions on this s*** so that I'm not up in my own head all the time or bothering my friends with it hahaha. She was being incredibly confusing and unclear, which (subconciously) is what people do to maintain control. I won't participate in that and I will demand clarity and honesty from anyone - I will never be upset with someone for telling me truthfully how they feel.
Starry_eyed Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 1 hour ago, davidsonramirez said: Well, she responded to me with a clear answer: Hey, I really liked meeting you last week but I have a lot going on atm and my focus is somewhere else. So I don’t want to keep you hanging but give me a shout next time you’re in Town! X Not sure why she didn't say that a week ago and dragged it out, but hey ho. What a waste of your time, talk about dragging it out. Hope you have a good date on Friday! 1
d0nnivain Posted September 17, 2020 Posted September 17, 2020 I'm sorry she did this to you but her behavior coupled with the explanation from your brother's GF confirms that she's too weak in her own mind to be good GF material. You were a solid guy for hanging in there as long as you did & trying to mine that diamond in the rough. Next time you find yourself having to break out the pick axe, don't bother. Enjoy your date Friday.
Author tokidoki Posted September 17, 2020 Author Posted September 17, 2020 Thanks for saying so. TBH, when she first said 'I'll check and get back to you', I knew it was off. She got back to me so took her at her word, but as soon as she flaked it was 100% off and I knew it. I just told her to be honest rather than long it out. It's ok to hold people in their late 20s to higher standards of emotional maturity, as long as you're polite and not obviously frustrated. 1
Be Cool Posted September 18, 2020 Posted September 18, 2020 (edited) On 9/12/2020 at 3:34 PM, davidsonramirez said: I went for a drink with my brother and his gf the other night. His gf knows I'm single so she invited another single friend along - I didn't know she was going to do this. We all were chatting and it was nice. My brother and his gf left after about an hour and a half so it was just me and the other girl. We hung out in the pub for a few more hours and she seemed to be enjoying my company. We bonded over a lot of stuff. We were talking about dating in general and I said 'well apparently this was a set-up, so maybe we can call it a 50% date', and she sad 'hmm maybe 30%', and I laughed. A little later we ended up kissing and she wasn't particularly shy about that. It was a really nice vibe. Anyway we walked to the station but I had to run for my train, I said i would get her number off our mutual friend and she said 'sounds good'. I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and left. The next day I got her number and sent her 'Ciao Bella! It was lovely to meet you last night! Would you like to go on a 100% date one of these days?'. She said she could offer a 51% date which i thought was quite cute, but then when i tried to set a date, she claimed to be busy and said she would get back to me. In my experience, this is usually a brush off and it's best just to assume she's not interested and leave it. However, we definitely hit it off in the pub so wondering if this is ever a 'hard to get' or 'make myself appear unavailable' strategy after maybe giving a bit too much away on what wasn't even a first date? I also have experience of shy women giving themselves more time to think or do some research. She seemed to really like me in the pub so can't imagine I've done anything to turn her off. You exchanged saliva with her and did not ask for her phone number or invited her over your house? And to make it worse, you even gave her a HUG and a kiss on her CHEEK? You didn't strike the iron while it's hot, hence she's now avoiding you and acting all flaky. And when a woman acts flaky and avoidant, you STOP chasing after her, by ceasing all contacts from now on. That's the only correct "formula". Stop being obsessed about this girl, make this a lesson learned and start hitting on other women. Edited September 18, 2020 by Be Cool
Be Cool Posted September 18, 2020 Posted September 18, 2020 And to answer OP's question: Is she shy? No she's not. She gave you her tongue on the 1st date, that's not what a shy girl does. In fact, there are no shy or brave girls, only guys who knows how to turn them on or off.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 18, 2020 Posted September 18, 2020 On 9/17/2020 at 11:29 AM, davidsonramirez said: Well, she responded to me with a clear answer: Hey, I really liked meeting you last week but I have a lot going on atm and my focus is somewhere else. So I don’t want to keep you hanging but give me a shout next time you’re in Town! X Not sure why she didn't say that a week ago and dragged it out, but hey ho. I figured that was coming. Why she didn't say so earlier isn't really important at this point. It could be a dozen different things, and you'll never known exactly which one it is. What matters is that you now know not to waste your time here.
Be Cool Posted September 18, 2020 Posted September 18, 2020 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: I figured that was coming. Why she didn't say so earlier isn't really important at this point. Because she didn't actually HAVE TO anyway. It's her right to say what she wants, when she wants.
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