Letting go of Comparisons

[Azincourt]

@Classicfiction

You could be a combination of Laetitia Casta,  Angelina Jolie, Alessandra Ambrosio, Sara Sampaio, Natalie Portman, and there would still be men who wouldn't be the right fit for you. Being gorgeous doesn't make you immune to getting dumped or cheated on, nor does it mean you'll have a 60 year long marriage. People for the most part aren't monogamous, although we really do try hard to be, but these days with millions upon millions of people around us, sooner or later we'll be tempted to sleep with someone else, or to dump our current partner to get a new one.

There's nothing wrong with you, dude, and there's nothing wrong with your ex-husband. Very few marriages last a lifetime,  and just because a marriage is lasting, doesn't mean either of the people are happy with each other or with their lives.

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When I made peace with the guy and told my girl friends that things were good between us as friends, they then reinstated the friendships.  This is the ex who continues to ask for sexual favors while saying he cant date me or try again.

Yes, our sexual organs don't stop working just because we are no longer in love with someone, and if the woman is still interested in having sex with the guy: why would he say no?

And if he asks, it's because he thinks you still want to have it with him, yes?

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Toward the end of that relationship, I had a very severe nervous breakdown and went an entire week without sleeping.   I seriously thought I was going to die. At that point I experienced psychosis which was visable to my friends and family because I was messaging nonsense to them.  And that was the beginning of what brought about my mental health diagnosis.

Consider taking upon medical help to deal with these issues, it's not healthy for you to fester in these anguished thoughts and emotions, and there's always people who will take care of you, emotionally,  like your friends and family will. They'll always be there for you. Men? Ehh, not so much. It's hard to find a good man these days who is in it for the long-haul, I know this because I'm bisexual so I've been around the block myself.

[Azincourt]

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Yes, ok.  I see what you mean.  I think I do have a chip on my shoulder a bit from being the dumpee several times in a row.

You have to understand that being rejected or dumped by a boyfriend, by a long-term boyfriend does not mean you are flawed or defective in any way or shape. You are not. Understand that, and then things will click for you. You could be the most intelligent, most gorgeous, sexiest woman in the world, and there would still be men who'd treat you badly, indifferently, and there'd always be who'd dump you, because of many, many reasons.

I was once dumped by ten girlfriends in the time span of 14 months.  I didn't let it bring me down, because I understood that we're just not meant to be together, that is all. I am very liberal about my emotions. I can feel as deeply as a Brazilian waterfall can fall from the heights of the sky, and at the same time I can shrug it off and handle rejection like I just got punched by a featherweight and I'm a heavyweighter.

[Classicfiction]

53 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

You have to understand that being rejected or dumped by a boyfriend, by a long-term boyfriend does not mean you are flawed or defective in any way or shape. You are not. Understand that, and then things will click for you. You could be the most intelligent, most gorgeous, sexiest woman in the world, and there would still be men who'd treat you badly, indifferently, and there'd always be who'd dump you, because of many, many reasons.

I was once dumped by ten girlfriends in the time span of 14 months.  I didn't let it bring me down, because I understood that we're just not meant to be together, that is all. I am very liberal about my emotions. I can feel as deeply as a Brazilian waterfall can fall from the heights of the sky, and at the same time I can shrug it off and handle rejection like I just got punched by a featherweight and I'm a heavyweighter.

Thats a poetic way of putting it.  I strive to be that resilient.  For whatever reason I tend to relive these moments of rejection.  Probably because when I broke down it brought so many things crashing around me.  

 

1 hour ago, Azincourt said:

@Classicfiction

You could be a combination of Laetitia Casta,  Angelina Jolie, Alessandra Ambrosio, Sara Sampaio, Natalie Portman, and there would still be men who wouldn't be the right fit for you. Being gorgeous doesn't make you immune to getting dumped or cheated on, nor does it mean you'll have a 60 year long marriage. People for the most part aren't monogamous, although we really do try hard to be, but these days with millions upon millions of people around us, sooner or later we'll be tempted to sleep with someone else, or to dump our current partner to get a new one.

There's nothing wrong with you, dude, and there's nothing wrong with your ex-husband. Very few marriages last a lifetime,  and just because a marriage is lasting, doesn't mean either of the people are happy with each other or with their lives.

Yes, our sexual organs don't stop working just because we are no longer in love with someone, and if the woman is still interested in having sex with the guy: why would he say no?

And if he asks, it's because he thinks you still want to have it with him, yes?

Consider taking upon medical help to deal with these issues, it's not healthy for you to fester in these anguished thoughts and emotions, and there's always people who will take care of you, emotionally,  like your friends and family will. They'll always be there for you. Men? Ehh, not so much. It's hard to find a good man these days who is in it for the long-haul, I know this because I'm bisexual so I've been around the block myself.

So prior to the end of that 3 year relationship, I had my life fairly well put together.  Two jobs, a house, good group of friends.  Now I'm waiting on disability, on meds that slow me down significantly, still working to repair friendships and family relationships.

I had artistic hobbies that I abandoned.  Just after posting this, I decided to start back up with that and think it will help me a lot.

Coming from a place of abundance, its much easier to handle the blows of life.  Coming from rock bottom, its like being kicked while you're down.

If I could shrug off all the triggers, I'd be in a much more gracious state of mind.  
 

And honestly, what you're saying about the state of the world making things much harder for long term relationships to survive... that disturbs me.  I see it.  It makes for some cognitive dissonance between acknowledging that reality and wanting to get back to and stay in a place of positivity.

[SumGuy]

On 9/11/2020 at 5:08 PM, Classicfiction said:

This is my second post on this forum.  I'm still hurting from a break-up and wondering what's the best way to get to a place where certain things don't hurt so bad.

In particular, being compared to others and being found to be not as sexy, nurturing or feminine in that comparison.

....

Right now I'm struggling to even go to the store.  Any suggestions will be appreciated.

Although didn't quote it, avoid social media especially if you find yourself comparing yourself and life to the curated images there.

Someone saying you are not as as sexy, nurturing or feminine as others?  Total bogus BS.  Maybe in their opinion, but we know what opinions are like since everyone has one.  To elevate what they like in their opinion in such matters to the "norm" by which you must conform, is egotistical and controlling BS.   I strongly suspect that the person is sing "nurturing and feminine" as code for you do not sufficiently kiss his a** or demure to him.  It is a window into his dysfunction not yours.

There are those out there who will find what you are to be a wonderful mix of what they want.  Personally, I find a lot of women in the media held up as sexy and feminine to be plastic, I really don't care for the Barbie doll look but it is prevalent...and certainly not alone in thinking they are plastic looking.

As to media, you likely live in a society whose economy relies on consumption, a materialistic, consumerist society.  Such economies rely on you to consume, and a couple ways to sell you things is to make you "fear", feel like you have a need that must be filled or else bad things will happen.  When it comes to your vision of self it really helps drive sales if what you are sold on is neigh unattainable by most...keeps you coming back for more.  Close to it is selling you an image, "the good life" that is why so many products are promoted by selling you the social situation they are advertised in.  It's a way to get you to feel or think subconsciously if I got that thing my life would be like that.   In the need it also relies on you viewing what you currently have as inadequate.

It's pervasive, this push to always have you compare yourself, and go after what the Jone's have.  It is mammon. 

That is very different though than trying to be the best you that you can be.  I was raised to measure yourself by how you treated others, I know a radical concept (even though it is the tradition of many a religion around for thousands of years) that requires no money or consumption, one where the poor can excel just as much as the wealthy or genetically blessed. 

That is the ultimate measure of a person to me.  A person who makes the choice to demean you by saying that you are "not as sexy, nurturing or feminine in that comparison" fails on being a decent person.  

Edited September 14, 2020 by SumGuy