Letting go of Comparisons

[Classicfiction]

This is my second post on this forum.  I'm still hurting from a break-up and wondering what's the best way to get to a place where certain things don't hurt so bad.

In particular, being compared to others and being found to be not as sexy, nurturing or feminine in that comparison.

How do you build up your confidence to a place where you can say, I'm me and I'm enough and not get brought to such a low vibration by that thief of joy?

I have been feeling lately that if I could have just shaken some things off my back in my relationships, that maybe my sense of confidence would grow through that.. I wish that I wasn't so sensitive to things.

What do you do to stay strong and confident in this age of social media mentality?

If you are a person who has been affected by depression through feelings of inadequecy in relationships and have found ways to dig yourself out of that pit,  what in particular do you do to raise vibration?

Right now I'm struggling to even go to the store.  Any suggestions will be appreciated.

[Calmandfocused]

How? 
 

Firstly if you feel this way about yourself you must get off social platforms immediately. This will not help you to improve your self esteem, In fact you could potentially be triggered to feel much worse. 
 

Secondly you need to find a good therapist who can work on your “I’m not good enough” and “others are better than me” beliefs. You need CBT. 
 

Thirdly, you’d be wise to focus on getting your mental health in a better place first, before you consider dating. Dating is hard, it’s brutal. You need strong foundations to deal with it. 
 

I hope that helps. 

[smackie9]

Everyone goes through what you are going through after a breakup...a lot of self blaming, confusion, questioning your own actions, feeling deflated, sad, mad. After reading through your last thread...it had nothing to do with you, what you did, said, how you look or otherwise. He was the one with the issues. Men are not good with expressing themselves, and behave in ways to deal with it, that we don't understand. None of it was your fault.

Trust me, someone will come along and see nothing wrong with you, and find you attractive.  Your ex's behavior should have no bearing on who you are, or how you feel.

You are grieving the loss of your relaitonship...this is totally normal. The key thing to do is to keep busy, reach out to friends, family, reconnect with them, you reconnect with yourself. Yes you are going to have some bad days, but it will eventually dissipate. You have to give it some time. What always boosts my spirits is to buy myself a cute pair of shoes, or a handbag, do a pedicure or do a little decorating to change my surroundings. Do something that makes you happy!

[Azincourt]

18 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

This is my second post on this forum.  I'm still hurting from a break-up and wondering what's the best way to get to a place where certain things don't hurt so bad.

Professional therapy, spending time doing your hobbies, time itself, and understanding that the relationship ended because the two of you weren't the best fit for each other, and that there's nothing wrong with you as a person and as a woman.

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In particular, being compared to others and being found to be not as sexy, nurturing or feminine in that comparison.

Hit the gym. Practice yoga. Go out running often.  Look at what women like Alessandra Ambrosio, Sara Sampaio,  Georgina Rodriguez, the Kardashians, wear and dress like, their make-up, their perfume, their shampoo, etc etc.

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How do you build up your confidence to a place where you can say, I'm me and I'm enough and not get brought to such a low vibration by that thief of joy?

I dunno. I am just me.  If a woman doesn't want me, that's great. Another woman will.

I don't compare myself to others because when I was 18, I met a whole bunch of Calvin Klein models, Giorgio Armani models, Ralph Lauren models, Abbercombie models, and although I'm nothing special by comparison, these men get plenty-often rejected, dumped, and for all their innate beauty, they're just as insecure and unsure as many people are.

 My sense of humor, my smile, my kindness, and the fact that I handle rejection as well as Jeff Bezos handles losing a couple of millions has gotten me much further with women than many men who are a lot more physically attractive than I have gotten to, because they were lazy/entitled/shy/awkward/douchebags.

Work on that, lady.  There are millions of people who are more attractive than you and I, but that doesn't mean their love lives are perfect. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are gorgeous and they themselves say their love lives are a disaster, for crying out loud, so don't go out and start believing x hot woman has a much romantic life than you because she most likely does not.

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I have been feeling lately that if I could have just shaken some things off my back in my relationships, that maybe my sense of confidence would grow through that.. I wish that I wasn't so sensitive to things.

What are those things you're talking about?

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What do you do to stay strong and confident in this age of social media mentality?

If you are a person who has been affected by depression through feelings of inadequecy in relationships and have found ways to dig yourself out of that pit,  what in particular do you do to raise vibration?

Right now I'm struggling to even go to the store.  Any suggestions will be appreciated.

Well, first of all, I'm not really a feeler. That is to say, I feel deeply for Beauty itself and for everything and all that is beautiful. Beautiful women, beautiful men. Beautiful cars. Beaches. Paintings. Music. Books. Movies. Clothes. Golden hair. Blue eyes, straight white teeth. Los Angeles. 

As for relationships, I can take it or leave it. I don't feel inadequate because it would be folly to expect of myself to be perfect. I am not Achilles after all, just some random guy that is better off than many, and worse off than some. 

A woman breaks up with me at 9PM?

I'm at the club at 10PM to meet new women.

Not now 'cause you know why... but you know what I'm saying.

Hit the gym, get professional help as in a psychologist, therapy is always useful and healthy, get a puppy if you can afford buying one and keeping one, if you have the time for the puppy etc, and chill, lady.  Relationships come and go, and only you remain at the end.  We don't need anyone to make our lives better. A good romantic partner is just a complement to an already great life. Work on making your life something to be proud of, and then you'll attract great men. Or great women.

Edited September 12, 2020 by Azincourt

[Happy Lemming]

18 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

 being compared to others...

Male here... but basically this advice can go both ways.

If a woman dumped me, I never really cared what came out of her mouth after she said she didn't want to see me anymore.  I just figured it was filled with hate and vitriol that I didn't need/want to hear.

I always asked myself one question (after the breakup)... Was I the best person I could be?? (I'm assuming the answer is "yes") If that wasn't good enough for the person I was dating, then so be it. Let them go shake the bushes and find someone better, I'll move on the next person.

I'm sure you were the best person you could be for your guy, but that wasn't good enough, so be it.

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

A woman breaks up with me at 9PM?

I'm at the club at 10PM to meet new women.

 

Same here... go home... grab a shower and get out to bar/pub, etc. and start the search.

[Azincourt]

2 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Male here... but basically this advice can go both ways.

If a woman dumped me, I never really cared what came out of her mouth after she said she didn't want to see me anymore.  I just figured it was filled with hate and vitriol that I didn't need/want to hear.

Sameeeee.

I don't know about the whole hate and vitriol, I just switch off. Like when the stadium's lights are turned off after a clubs finals. The relationship had it's good moments but mehhh, life's short, one's youth is even shorter, better not waste time dwelling on why a relationship ended and just move on and meet new people.

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I always asked myself one question (after the breakup)... Was I the best person I could be?? (I'm assuming the answer is "yes") If that wasn't good enough for the person I was dating, then so be it. Let them go shake the bushes and find someone better, I'll move on the next person.

I'm sure you were the best person you could be for your guy, but that wasn't good enough, so be it.

Yeah,  I've been in that same spot.

''Would my relationship had worked if I had done what she wanted me to e.g to get a good job, buy a house, get married to her, and have a child? 

Sure, but then I'd probably end up as an alcoholic because that ain't me.  Better she dumps me and goes and finds a guy who wants that than making both of us miserable by shaping myself to what she wants me to be.

Don't change yourself for any man, Lady. If you do change yourself, change yourself for you, but never for a man. It's just not worth it. They don't respect women who don't respect themselves.

Edited September 12, 2020 by Azincourt

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

I just switch off. Like when the stadium's lights are turned off after a clubs finals.

My brain just goes into "mute" and I don't hear a thing.  Like on your remote control when a long commercial comes on... mute.

I remember one woman dumping me (in person) and I checked my watch.  She asked why I looked at my watch; my response "I wanted to know if I had time to grab a shower before I hit the club to find her replacement."

In another instance I had one woman call and dump me, so I went to club and found her replacement that very evening.  The next morning my dumper called said she was sorry and wanted to get back together.  I told her she had already been replaced and her replacement was in bed next to me and I hung up.

[central]

Rejection is a good thing.  It does NOT mean you are inferior, it just means you're not a good match for that person.  You will be for someone else.

[Happy Lemming]

Many years ago... I got a call from an ex-girlfriend (we had broke up amicably) about 18 months earlier.  She was crying and upset.  She just got dumped by her boyfriend and he called her fat and ugly, etc.  I told her she was none of those things.  She invited me over and we ended up having sex.  We continued seeing each other for a couple of weeks (in a FWB capacity).  It made her feel better. She felt attractive, as someone (me) wanted her.

She told me the quickest way to get over a guy was to get underneath another one.

[Classicfiction]

Wow!  Dudes can and will find a replacement the same day.  Thats good to know.

Usually I experience a process of grieving before I can move on to someone else.

From what I know through talking to girlfriends its been the same for them..

So you think while I've been upset at home wondering whether it could have worked out if I'd reacted differently, that he's at his place banging another chick?

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

Wow!  Dudes can and will find a replacement the same day.  Thats good to know.

 

My couch has a big enough dent in it... It will do no good to make it bigger sitting on it thinking about every little thing I said or did during the relationship.

[Classicfiction]

I mean it's so easy to do now, isn't it?  You don't even have to go to the club.. just get on a dating app and order up a replacement.

Here's a question for you @Azincourt and @Happy Lemming.. do you sometimes behave that same way even prior to a break-up.. if a woman isn't treating you the way you would like or you get into a big fight and you're pissed off.  Do you say F this and go to the club to look for another woman?

Because that's the vibe I picked up on in my past two R's.  That the moment I was boring to them or each time I cooked a sub par meal, that I was under scrutiny to the point that they were looking at other women and considering whether to toss me aside as some broken object rather than a human being with flaws.

It's interesting.. I feel that if I, as a woman, were to go find a replacement the day of a breakup, I'd be called a wh**e.

[Azincourt]

23 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

Wow!  Dudes can and will find a replacement the same day.  Thats good to know.

Usually I experience a process of grieving before I can move on to someone else.

From what I know through talking to girlfriends its been the same for them..

So you think while I've been upset at home wondering whether it could have worked out if I'd reacted differently, that he's at his place banging another chick?

They grieve their loss and they go forward. I just get the grieving process done and over with the same second I get dumped.  Same situation, different processing speeds, same results in any case.

Yeah, he's probably having sex with another woman while you're talking amongst your girlfriends what went wrong in your relationship.

[Happy Lemming]

I don't do on-line dating (at all).  I did try it many years ago for a very brief period of time and hated it.  I do better meeting women in real life.

If I want out, I just let the woman know.  I'm not petty about a bad meal or some other minor crap. I don't play games, either.  If I want out, I rip the band-aid off and get out.

It usually only takes me a couple of weeks to find a new woman to date, so I tend not to "monkey branch", but some guys do.  Once, (after moving to a new city) it did take me about 3 weeks to find someone to date.  I think that has been my longest "dry spell" (as an adult).

Who cares what other people think or if they call you a "wh**e", if going out and finding a new guy makes you feel better, go for it.  He might turn out to be a great guy.

Youth is a short time, have fun!! 

[Datingdisabled]

Women are from Venus, men are from Mars. How a man and a women handle a situation will be different. You don't have to handle it like a man. If a man told me go get laid then I'd order off skip and give them the finger. 

[Datingdisabled]

I don't know when I'll feel connected and go date a man. That's only for me to decide, know, and share if I chose. Any man who wants to hurt another has issues themselves. The forum shocked me but not enough to impact me to change. 

[central]

22 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

Wow!  Dudes can and will find a replacement the same day.  Thats good to know.

Usually I experience a process of grieving before I can move on to someone else.

From what I know through talking to girlfriends its been the same for them..

So you think while I've been upset at home wondering whether it could have worked out if I'd reacted differently, that he's at his place banging another chick?

Some can and do.  Most do not.  Many men also grieve the end of a relationship and take time to heal before seeking another, and the longer the relationship the more likely this will be.  A short relationship is easier to get over, and if there were significant issues or a real mismatch, it's much easier to move on quickly - and that can be the healthier approach.

[Classicfiction]

@Azincourt and @Happy Lemming, at least ya'll are honest I suppose.  I do think that regardless of a person's gender, if there was any kind of emotional connection at all, there should be a grieving process.

It seems a big difference between the way men and women handle breakups is that men appear to start getting over a woman while they're still technically in the relationship.  Seems to be a disengagement process, where the guy slowly starts to pull away.  For me, when that's happened, it has not felt like a ripping off of a band-aid..

It's felt like a slow cold shoulder and then an unemotional see ya, sometimes with residual toying with my emotions after the fact.  One in particular has continued to ask for sexual favors while maintaining that a relationship is not possible.

Could be the men I've dated.

[kendahke]

On 9/11/2020 at 5:08 PM, Classicfiction said:

How do you build up your confidence to a place where you can say, I'm me and I'm enough and not get brought to such a low vibration by that thief of joy?

By not allowing a "thief of joy" to be the only person who defines you as a fully realized human being, and you do that by cutting their access to you out completely.

That's done by blocking them and having no more to do with them.

When you begin believing you're you and you are enough just as you are and take that perk away from people who mean you no psychological good, and surrounding yourself with people who uplift and support this view of you, you will see your confidence building up.

[elaine567]

I don't know the full story of your historic ex, but with the most recent ex, you set yourself up to fail.

On 9/7/2020 at 11:48 PM, Classicfiction said:

he told me he wished his ex didnt break up with him and that she was still an important person in his life.

When a guy says  something like that, you walk immediately, you can't compete with an old lost love who he wishes he was still in a relationship with.
No-one can.

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

It seems a big difference between the way men and women handle breakups is that men appear to start getting over a woman while they're still technically in the relationship.

It is not a gender thing it is a dumper thing, the dumper disengages and gets over the relationship before they actually pull the plug.
Women do this as well as men.

[Azincourt]

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@Azincourt and @Happy Lemming, at least ya'll are honest I suppose.  I do think that regardless of a person's gender, if there was any kind of emotional connection at all, there should be a grieving process.

I still treasure the moments I spent with my ex-girlfriends, but time, time never stops. It's a waste of my dwindling youth to go through grief to mourn the loss of a relationship. I'd rather just go and meet new women instead and I'll feel better in no time.

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he told me he wished his ex didnt break up with him and that she was still an important person in his life.

That's a though one. There's an ex-girlfriend of mine whom I'd probably dump almost any current of future girlfriends to get back with, but I'm not a brick of walls. I'm still sensitive enough to not let anyone know about it, although if a girlfriend asks me if I'd leave her for someone, I'd tell her yeah, but that's because a relationship cannot work without honesty and trust.

I have no idea why that ex-boyfriend of yours would tell you that.

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It is not a gender thing it is a dumper thing, the dumper disengages and gets over the relationship before they actually pull the plug.

IYeah, it's a genderless way of acting. I guess I take it a step further by disenganging automatically the moment I get dumped and I get over it.

[Classicfiction]

2 minutes ago, kendahke said:

By not allowing a "thief of joy" to be the only person who defines you as a fully realized human being, and you do that by cutting their access to you out completely.

That's done by blocking them and having no more to do with them.

When you begin believing you're you and you are enough just as you are and take that perk away from people who mean you no psychological good, and surrounding yourself with people who uplift and support this view of you, you will see your confidence building up.

@kendahke,

This is what I struggle with.  Usually end up blaming myself for not being enough.

I am still friends with a group of people that have known my ex (not the most recent 4 month R, but a 3 year R that ended after two months of marriage)

The women that I'm friends with in that group have known him since middle school and see him as an amazing person.  When I have tried to confide in them about certain things in the relationship that were painful to me, they have pulled away from the friendship.

When I made peace with the guy and told my girl friends that things were good between us as friends, they then reinstated the friendships.  This is the ex who continues to ask for sexual favors while saying he cant date me or try again.

So, with my friends kind of reinforcing the blame, it is really hard to not think that I messed up terribly.  One of the girls who I was particularly close with did tell me that all he ever did was try to help me and that no one was responsible for the end of my marriage but me.

I know he was pulling away for a time because the weekend after our marriage he decided to go to a party that I wasnt invited to and left his ring behind on the bedroom dresser.  I did react to that and he told me that everyone at that party thought I was crazy because I asked him to come back and get his ring.

From there, he began to act more and more distant and when he finally left me, he told me he felt nothing for me at all.

Toward the end of that relationship, I had a very severe nervous breakdown and went an entire week without sleeping.   I seriously thought I was going to die. At that point I experienced psychosis which was visable to my friends and family because I was messaging nonsense to them.  And that was the beginning of what brought about my mental health diagnosis.

So, in knowing that my reactions to things has played a role in the demise of my relationships, it is particularly hard for me to view myself as having a right to feel the way I do and to stand up for myself.

[Classicfiction]

25 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

It is not a gender thing it is a dumper thing, the dumper disengages and gets over the relationship before they actually pull the plug.
Women do this as well as men.

@elaine567,

Yes, ok.  I see what you mean.  I think I do have a chip on my shoulder a bit from being the dumpee several times in a row.

I am trying not to be a man hater.