OnlyHonesty Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 On 9/11/2020 at 3:59 AM, JC90 said: I called her after I got this and we talked for a few minutes.. I sent her this text after... Above were mistakes, and would have been the final nail in the coffin. There are other things Ive also noticed as well and I'd say that you've been so busy trying to accommodate her, that you became too avaliable, too nice, and too open. You getting with her immediately after a breakup allowed her to use you as a cushion. No self respecting man would allow that, and she knows this. You said you fell in love with her, but you barely knew her, and with you telling her how you felt, and declaring undying love meant no tension, no challenge, and no appreciation for any of it.
poppyfields Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 (edited) 18 hours ago, mark clemson said: I agree it's not likely to change anything. That's why closing out the conversation at this point is the socially appropriate move. Just leaving it hanging is ghosting, or at least avoiding proper closure which IMO IS a D-bag move that shows either resentment, immaturity, or poor social skills. So again I disagree on that point. Ghosting her? Leaving it hanging? I'm seriously not getting your rationale there. She dumped him, he called, they talked, she texted, he responded, after which she sent the final text closing it out. "Yeah I shouldn't have started dating right away, I need time. I think I thought I was over my ex but honestly I don't think I was. I'm sorry James. I just need to be alone right now. There was no need for him to respond to this, it was overkill. Everything that needed to be said had already been said, and then some. He did not leave anything "hanging" nor did he ghost, again not understanding where this thought process is coming from. That said, JC90 while I think your sending yet another response, your third, was overkill and not necessary, if it made YOU feel better, more power to ya! I'm all for doing whatever it takes to move on and heal, as long as you're doing it for you and not some strategy to change her mind and/or win her back Feel better. Hugs. Edited September 12, 2020 by poppyfields
elaine567 Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 1 hour ago, JC90 said: Someone on another forum wrote this: "I think you’re in denial right now, that’s pretty normal as you recoil emotionally. “I think I thought I was over my ex but honestly I don't think I was.“ <— this is an excuse, sure there’s a possibility she isn’t back with him, but this is a standard bs breakup line for women. Really standard bs. If she saw potential with you, she’d stay. Period. You can’t seriously believe she genuinely wants to be with you but is so incredibly mature, she’s stepping back to reflect and recover from her ex. Absolutely laughable theory." It makes a lot of sense... Obviously it hurts more, but I do think there's a lot of truth to it. What do you all think? Its the same bitter anti women crap that immature guys who have been dumped spew out... Best to act like the OP did. Mature, adult and he can now walk away knowing he acted with dignity.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 2 hours ago, JC90 said: “I think I thought I was over my ex but honestly I don't think I was.“ <— this is an excuse, sure there’s a possibility she isn’t back with him, but this is a standard bs breakup line for women. Really standard bs. If she saw potential with you, she’d stay. Period. You can’t seriously believe she genuinely wants to be with you but is so incredibly mature, she’s stepping back to reflect and recover from her ex. Absolutely laughable theory." Well, sure, that's generally true. We don't usually dump people with whom we want to explore the possibility of a real relationship. The problem with the way that poster presented it is this: people who aren't over their exes aren't really even in a space to be truly evaluating the potential of another person. The other person is there to alleviate the sting, boredom or loneliness that often accompanies a break-up. Someone who isn't over their ex isn't going to be thinking much beyond how it feels good in the moment to have some attention and affection. Their minds are still too occupied by their ex to see potential in anyone else. Whether or not that's the case with this specific woman is anyone's case. Maybe she really isn't over him. It's not "laughable" to assume it's not possible. Or maybe she just isn't that into you and was looking for a more palatable explanation for ending it. The point? It doesn't really matter why she chose to call it off, as it doesn't exactly change anything. What matters is that you heed the warning signs next time and know when to step away before you get hurt.
mark clemson Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 3 hours ago, poppyfields said: "Yeah I shouldn't have started dating right away, I need time. I think I thought I was over my ex but honestly I don't think I was. I'm sorry James. I just need to be alone right now. There was no need for him to respond to this, it was overkill. Everything that needed to be said had already been said, and then some. He did not leave anything "hanging" nor did he ghost, again not understanding where this thought process is coming from. Fair enough. I respectfully disagree and think a final message acknowledging this from him would be more appropriate, so long as it doesn't sound doormat-ish. I do agree it is primarily a pleasantry at this point, but IMO one that shows he's "emotionally together" and not resentful or pining etc. (Actually he's not, but giving that appearance is to his advantage IMO if he's looking for her to (remote chance) come back around at some point.) That would be my take. I do agree with you there's little to be said or done her except to accept the situation and move on.
Author JC90 Posted September 12, 2020 Author Posted September 12, 2020 2 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Fair enough. I respectfully disagree and think a final message acknowledging this from him would be more appropriate, so long as it doesn't sound doormat-ish. I do agree it is primarily a pleasantry at this point, but IMO one that shows he's "emotionally together" and not resentful or pining etc. (Actually he's not, but giving that appearance is to his advantage IMO if he's looking for her to (remote chance) come back around at some point.) That would be my take. I do agree with you there's little to be said or done her except to accept the situation and move on. My response is on page 3. I posted the short exchange. I'll be honest I just can't deal with this. We did so much together that everything makes me think of her and the times we shares. I'm at my dad's house now and I was thinking about working out in his garage gym and going in his pool, but since her and I would workout together here and go in the pool it reminds me of her. I keep thinking about the time we worked out together, then jumped in the pool and she just sat on my lap and hugged/cuddled me. I want that back. Same with the gym. We worked out at the gym together too and I don't want to be thinking about her and tearing up at the gym. I opened my shirt drawer and saw the shirt she got me when she was on vacation. I can't f*cking escape. I also sent a message to my doctor about this--just saying I'm having an extremely difficult time emotionally, can barely eat or sleep, and am having depressive/panic attacks and asked if he would recommend anything. I would do almost anything right now to escape this pain. F*ck, if he recommended me the same anti-depressant she's on I'd probably try it. I need something. I'm beyond ashamed to admit this, but I drove by her apartment building last night just to look for her car and see if her lights were on. I'm going crazy
Datingdisabled Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, JC90 said: My response is on page 3. I posted the short exchange. I'll be honest I just can't deal with this. We did so much together that everything makes me think of her and the times we shares. I'm at my dad's house now and I was thinking about working out in his garage gym and going in his pool, but since her and I would workout together here and go in the pool it reminds me of her. I keep thinking about the time we worked out together, then jumped in the pool and she just sat on my lap and hugged/cuddled me. I want that back. Same with the gym. We worked out at the gym together too and I don't want to be thinking about her and tearing up at the gym. I opened my shirt drawer and saw the shirt she got me when she was on vacation. I can't f*cking escape. I also sent a message to my doctor about this--just saying I'm having an extremely difficult time emotionally, can barely eat or sleep, and am having depressive/panic attacks and asked if he would recommend anything. I would do almost anything right now to escape this pain. F*ck, if he recommended me the same anti-depressant she's on I'd probably try it. I need something. I'm beyond ashamed to admit this, but I drove by her apartment building last night just to look for her car and see if her lights were on. I'm going crazy It doesn't matter because your attachment was not a connection. You may have mistaken it for one because she made you happy and now that she's gone, you feel depressed again. The sad part about this, is as great as she may be, you are selling yourself short. Often, after a few years, these feelings fizzle out and you realize what you are seeking or you become codependent your entire life. I had a situation like this and every dump, I would flip out even though I had the common sense to know better. The only way out is if you find happiness with out this person and it's going to take time to disconnect and get past the attachment. Even I know now that I don't date engineers nor have a desire to date one. I don't fit into that circle and I wouldn't be happy with an engineer who dated beautiful and intelligent women. I like trades guys, contractors, men with the same drive as I have. Edited September 12, 2020 by Datingdisabled
mark clemson Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 (edited) 20 minutes ago, JC90 said: I'll be honest I just can't deal with this. Sounds like you need to branch out. Look for some new friends and hobbies. Something that helps you "craft" a new identity that isn't centered around her. I know many people are very focused on their partner and it sounds like you are one of those. You need to "become" a new person who is completely independent of her. Given what you describe, I think what will be easiest is to 100% cut her out of your life. Forget about any "one days" etc. She no longer exists on this planet. Keep thinking that way until you're over her emotionally (it will be a while, I'd guess). In the meantime, see above - make a life for yourself that has nothing to do with her and BE that person. Then in 6 months or what have you when you've processed this more fully, move on to a better GF who likes you back. In the meantime it sounds like you need 100% commitment to FULL NC and it being over. Completely. Easier said than done, but that way your brain will hopefully stop torturing you about her. Edited September 12, 2020 by mark clemson 2
Datingdisabled Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 1 minute ago, mark clemson said: Sounds like you need to branch out. Look for some new friends and hobbies. Something that helps you "craft" a new identity that isn't centered around her. I know many people are very focused on their partner and it sounds like you are one of those. You need to "become" a new person who is completely independent of her. Given what you describe, I think what will be easiest is to 100% cut her out of your life. Forget about any "one days" etc. She no longer exists on this planet. Keep thinking that way until you're over her emotionally (it will be a while, I'd guess). In the meantime, see above - make a life for yourself that has nothing to do with her and BE that person. Then in 6 months or what have you when you've processed this more fully, move on to a better GF who likes you back. In the meantime it sounds like you need 100% commitment to FULL NC and it being over. Completely. Easier said than done, but that way your brain will hopefully stop torturing you about her. I agree with this 1
ShyViolet Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 2 hours ago, JC90 said: I was thinking about working out in his garage gym and going in his pool, but since her and I would workout together here and go in the pool it reminds me of her. I keep thinking about the time we worked out together, then jumped in the pool and she just sat on my lap and hugged/cuddled me. I want that back. Same with the gym. We worked out at the gym together too and I don't want to be thinking about her and tearing up at the gym. Don't avoid working out just because it reminds you of her. Exercise actually helps with depression and will probably make you feel a bit better. You should definitely exercise. You're really struggling with your mental health right now, and it sounds like your mental health struggles go way beyond this breakup. You need to get treatment for that. Go to your doctor. It sounds like you sent him a message and he hasn't replied yet? Go to the doctor. This is important.
ShyViolet Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 2 hours ago, JC90 said: I'm beyond ashamed to admit this, but I drove by her apartment building last night just to look for her car and see if her lights were on. I'm going crazy This is not okay. Do not do stuff like this. It's very unhealthy, and it won't help the situation at all, only makes it worse. If she had seen you driving past her building I"m sure she would feel like this is stalker-ish behavior.
DarrenB Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 (edited) In order for you to move past this experience you are going to have put yourself outside of your own comfort zone. Neglecting things that you both previously did together is okay for the meantime, but don't rule out everything and anything just because she had a part of it. I've said it before and I'll say it again... your life does not revolve around this woman who you knew for the short term. I am not undermining what you experienced together by any means, but this is not something you need to cause yourself to be miserable about. Continuing how you are will result in catastrophe. You had your last exchange with her over text, yet you proceed with bizarre actions as a sense of closure - it will not give you closure, it will give you false hope and nothing more. In the process of this, you may be subject to further consequences if you continue doing so and she notices. Make the morally right decisions for your own sake. I urge you seek guidance from a professional or someone you know. Arrange a get together, meet a friend. Isolating yourself with your own thoughts is not healthy right now. Edited September 12, 2020 by DarrenB
Author JC90 Posted September 12, 2020 Author Posted September 12, 2020 What do you all think about me getting back on Tinder/Bumble/Hinge? Not necessarily to look for a date/hookup immediately, but just to swipe and attempt to connect with other women? I'll admit though that I'm scared I might see her on there and it's going to give me another panic/depressive attack.
DarrenB Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 6 minutes ago, JC90 said: What do you all think about me getting back on Tinder/Bumble/Hinge? Not necessarily to look for a date/hookup immediately, but just to swipe and attempt to connect with other women? I'll admit though that I'm scared I might see her on there and it's going to give me another panic/depressive attack. In doing this you will leave yourself open to getting attached again, and it's quite obvious you are in no stable mindset to hold that down if it happens. Or perhaps even worse handle rejection very badly. I would not recommend it. As I've previously stated, meet up with a few friends. Go out, indulge in new activities.
amerikajin Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 6 hours ago, JC90 said: My response is on page 3. I posted the short exchange. I'll be honest I just can't deal with this. We did so much together that everything makes me think of her and the times we shares. I'm at my dad's house now and I was thinking about working out in his garage gym and going in his pool, but since her and I would workout together here and go in the pool it reminds me of her. I keep thinking about the time we worked out together, then jumped in the pool and she just sat on my lap and hugged/cuddled me. I want that back. Same with the gym. We worked out at the gym together too and I don't want to be thinking about her and tearing up at the gym. I opened my shirt drawer and saw the shirt she got me when she was on vacation. I can't f*cking escape. I also sent a message to my doctor about this--just saying I'm having an extremely difficult time emotionally, can barely eat or sleep, and am having depressive/panic attacks and asked if he would recommend anything. I would do almost anything right now to escape this pain. F*ck, if he recommended me the same anti-depressant she's on I'd probably try it. I need something. I'm beyond ashamed to admit this, but I drove by her apartment building last night just to look for her car and see if her lights were on. I'm going crazy I would gradually try to start getting reminders of her out of your house. Don't do it all at once. You can even have little mini 'funerals' for important items if you wish (lol), but start getting the visible reminders out of the way. But then I like what Mark Clemson said - get out and get some hobbies. Don't even worry about dating for a while.
Ami1uwant Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 On 9/11/2020 at 9:57 AM, JC90 said: I thought that being with me would open her heart so to speak, help her heal from her last relationship, and she'd fall for me like I did for her. Apparently I was completely wrong and just ended up getting used Mistake...don’t date someone after a ltir ended you were a rebound thst got to serious for what she wanted.
Ami1uwant Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 2 hours ago, JC90 said: What do you all think about me getting back on Tinder/Bumble/Hinge? Not necessarily to look for a date/hookup immediately, but just to swipe and attempt to connect with other women? I'll admit though that I'm scared I might see her on there and it's going to give me another panic/depressive attack. Not fair to them.
Author JC90 Posted September 13, 2020 Author Posted September 13, 2020 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: Mistake...don’t date someone after a ltir ended you were a rebound thst got to serious for what she wanted. About sums it up. But she agreed to be exclusive 2 months in. And She didn't take the out 3 weeks ago when I gave it to her on a silver platter. I told her I was going to fall in love and if she wanted out, space, or to see other people we should break it off, and she didn't. She KNEW where it was going. If she didn't want that she shouldn't have led me on and gone along with it. I know it doesn't matter now, but the chemistry was there, the compatibility was there, I can't stop wondering if we had met later--after she was over her ex--if it would have worked and she would have felt something for me.
CLS63AMG Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 (edited) You got rebounded/used. Of course you were tricked into thinking there was chemistry blah blah, its because she stuck you into the 3 year hole the last guy jumped out of and that's not how relationships work. Edited September 13, 2020 by CLS63AMG
Fletch Lives Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 It's a sad thing to say, but sometimes people with mental issues are not good catches.
balletomane Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 2 hours ago, JC90 said: About sums it up. But she agreed to be exclusive 2 months in. And She didn't take the out 3 weeks ago when I gave it to her on a silver platter. I told her I was going to fall in love and if she wanted out, space, or to see other people we should break it off, and she didn't. She KNEW where it was going. If she didn't want that she shouldn't have led me on and gone along with it. Earlier I asked if this was the same woman who upset you by salacious photos online. If it's the same one, then four weeks ago you wanted to confront her over inviting other guys to her apartment without you. Context matters. If you told her you were falling in love with her in the context of that confrontation, then it's possible she felt as though she had been put on the spot and wasn't ready to have a discussion about feelings with a guy she'd being dating short-term who was now clearly very upset. It's also possible that the confrontation made her think harder about the situation and ask herself what she really wanted. In fairness to her, most people don't fall in love in the space of three weeks, so she probably feels as though she did make up her mind in a reasonable time frame. Judging by your other thread and a few comments you've made in this one, you ignored signs that she saw this as more casual than you did in the hope that she would eventually want what you wanted. Now you're falling into the same trap of ignoring details you don't like in order to make yourself feel better. This is only going to hurt you more in the long term. You were unsure about this relationship and how she conducted herself in it, so this can't have been a total shock. In future, you need to focus on what's actually happening rather than on what you wish was happening, and base your actions on that. You should also give weight to actions over words. Her actions showed she wasn't looking for anything serious and is probably quite immature, regardless of what she said verbally, and putting the onus on her to decide if things got serious or not is an abdication of responsibility for your own welfare. If in doubt, you walk.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 8 hours ago, JC90 said: What do you all think about me getting back on Tinder/Bumble/Hinge? Not necessarily to look for a date/hookup immediately, but just to swipe and attempt to connect with other women? I'll admit though that I'm scared I might see her on there and it's going to give me another panic/depressive attack. Not a good idea, and not fair to the women who are looking for a true match. Deal with your feelings head-on, rather than trying to bury them under distractions like dating apps.
Fletch Lives Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 8 hours ago, JC90 said: What do you all think about me getting back on Tinder/Bumble/Hinge? Not necessarily to look for a date/hookup immediately, but just to swipe and attempt to connect with other women? - That's actually a great idea. Dating can take your mind off your heartbreak.
Fox Sake Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 The one thing that stood out to me is the fact she jumped from one LTR into a relationship with you. That’s a deal for disaster. I’m sure you realise that now by all the responses. Next time if you meet someone you like and they’ve just come out of something - give them space. Don’t let them trick you into being a rebound and don’t let their words and actions make you think you’re their new priority, cos it’s always short lived. im really sorry you went through this. I’ve learned the same lesson before. More than once.... it’s a hard deal but you will get over it and you won’t want to put yourself through that again. It’s the rejection that’s the hardest part to deal with. Take the lessons this situation is offering you! there’s better things waiting for you around the corner...:)
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