Girlfriend of 4 months suddenly broke up with me today

[amerikajin]

2 hours ago, JC90 said:

She just texted me responding to the message I sent her. I didn't think she was going to at this point.

"Yeah I shouldn't have started dating right away, I need time. I think I thought I was over my ex but honestly I don't think I was. I'm sorry James. I just need to be alone right now."

Should I say anything in response?

There's that ole line from Curly Bill in Tombstone: "Well...bye"

If it were me, I'd probably say "Well I'm sorry that's how it is, but no hard feelings. Take it easy." And then I'd really and truly be done with her. If she tries to change her mind, f*** that. Be nice about it, but f*** that.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, JC90 said:

We started dating pretty much immediately after her last relationship, which was a 2-3 year relationship

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, it sounds like she went back to her ex.

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, bobjon said:

Saying nothing is not 'revenge'.... As others have said, she is just trying to get it done.  Saying ANYTHING will not matter one bit to her.  There is zero reason to reply.  I will change nothing.  

Agree, there is nothing there for him to respond to.  It only keeps the drama going.  This is done. 

And OP, time to work on you and your depression, overall unhappiness. 

Again, you should not be needing a girlfriend to lift you out from these negative feelings.

Resolve first, become happy first, then look for a girlfriend.

$.02.  

Edited September 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

I think he's doing it for his own sake. He wants to exit with some dignity. If it allows him to start to move on, I'm all for it.

I would agree, but I interpreted his idea to mean he wants to increase his chances of possibly changing her mind down the road. 

Edited September 11, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, amerikajin said:

There's that ole line from Curly Bill in Tombstone: "Well...bye"

If it were me, I'd probably say "Well I'm sorry that's how it is, but no hard feelings. Take it easy." And then I'd really and truly be done with her. If she tries to change her mind, f*** that. Be nice about it, but f*** that.

PLEASE don't say "no hard feelings."  That's the worst imo.  

[bobjon]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, it sounds like she went back to her ex.

I highly doubt it!  Dude got used as a rebounder!!!!  But I bet he will know how to spot this next time!  Yet we STILL have people saying he should say something "socially respectable".....  She certainly did not respect his feelings during her apparent rebound.  It was all about HER.  She is a relationship hopper as I find many women are.  

I stand firm.  Say nothing, do nothing......but chase some new tail.  

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, JC90 said:

As pathetic as it is, the only thing I want right now is for her to have feelings for me like I do for her, even though she's dumped me.

Well that's not happening.  Why even say this?   You need to face reality.

[amerikajin]

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

PLEASE don't say "no hard feelings."  That's the worst imo.  

Each person's different.

Look, as much as it sucks, I understand that sometimes, people don't get into relationships with a clear head. In fact, I'd say that few people ever have a totally 100% clear head when they enter a relationship, and that includes marriage - even marriages that last a long time. We all have baggage, and some people just can't get past their own crap. I've been both the giver and receiver as far as that goes.

Unless someone were cheating on me or unless it was a marriage, I'd probably see a 4-month break-up for what it is: someone flaked out. It happens. Better that it happens now than when there's much more on the line. So yeah, in that sense, even though there's disappointment, I wouldn't hold a grudge.

[Lotsgoingon]

Oh man, I can hear the heartbreak in your words. I can hear the devastation. 

Just know that this happens. People don't always feel towards us as we feel towards them ... and they don't always feel the way we THINK (and hope) they feel towards us. Some people are hard to read. This woman sounds like she might be a lot of fun, very pleasant to be around. Sometimes those folks are the hardest to read. I do think her know was quite well written and quite clear. She didn't have that final spark of chemistry that she wanted. And that chemistry might not be physical ease with you. It could be something else completely, some type of emotional barrier she felt.

6 hours ago, JC90 said:

I thought that being with me would open her heart so to speak, help her heal from her last relationship, and she'd fall for me like I did for her. Apparently I was completely wrong and just ended up getting used

This was a huge mistake here. No, we cannot help others "heal" from their previous relationships. Friends do that and time and effort on the part of the person themselves does that. And no, you don't want to expect people will "open their heart to you." Nope. Either their heart is fully open or not. If not fully open, you leave the person alone. 

Your note about antidepressants and birth control was ill-informed, though you were polite. The numb feeling from antidepressants is wildly over talked about. I've been on antidepressants and it's just the opposite: I can feel real feelings. I can think more clearly, more maturely. I know dozens of high-functioning people on antidepressants. I don't recall one ever saying they were numbed over.  Maybe at the start on some meds (when side effects are being sorted out), but I have never heard one friend of mine taking meds say they felt numb. If anything, they felt numb and empty BEFORE starting on meds. But don't worry: she probably didn't take it as an insult. People have a right to be on whatever meds they are on. And if you don't like their meds, then the time to bring that up is early on. You don't bring that up just because she broke up with you. 

NEVER date someone just out of a two-to-three-year relationship. Never. The person themselves usually doesn't get how attached they still are, how much the other person is still in their mind and heart, even if they initiated the breakup, even if the other person was a jerk.

And ... there is no way there were no disconnects in this relationship before this. No way. Is it true what others are saying: that you have a history with her of feeling like she was flirting with other people? The most painful breakups like this one are the experiences you really can learn the most from. Now it's time to go back and find those moments when she revealed her ambivalence. Trust me: 99 percent of the time, those moments were there. 

[poppyfields]

32 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

No, we cannot help others "heal" ...

Broken people attract broken people. 

OP stated he suffered from depression and a general state of unhappiness prior to meeting her and she lifted that for him. 

This is as unhealthy as her using him (albeit unintentionally) as a rebound to get over her ex.

Two individuals initially drawn together via their mutual brokenness.

It's quite common actually.  

You are correct, we cannot help others heal.  We need to accomplish this all on our own, prior to embarking on a relationship, including the OP.

 

 

Edited September 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[JC90]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Broken people attract broken people. 

OP stated he suffered from depression and a general state of unhappiness prior to meeting her and she lifted that for him. 

This is as unhealthy as her using him (albeit unintentionally) as a rebound to get over her ex.

Two individuals initially drawn together via their mutual brokenness.

It's quite common actually.  

You are correct, we cannot help others heal.  We need to accomplish this all on our own, prior to embarking on a relationship, including the OP.

I don't know what my problem is. These are the people I fall for. It doesn't happen often, but looking back pretty much all the women I was really truly infatuated with (4 or 5), including this one, have had some kind of emotional unavailability or other emotional issue.

Edited September 11, 2020 by JC90

[bobjon]

Just now, JC90 said:

I don't know what my problem is. These are the people I fall for. It doesn't happen often, but looking back pretty much all the women I was really truly infatuated with (4 or 5), including this one, have had some kind of emotional unavailability or other emotional issue.

Let me walk you down the path brah......."so....how long have you been single?"   "uh, 13 minutes"........"cool, you have sexy lips....  they look like they were made for my......."

Very few women can be single.  they are just addicted and it is a product of the tech age.  Two swipes and you are out.  They WILL lie right to your face!  You better bet on that!  

"Oh Johnny, I have never met someone like you, I am soooooooooo excited for us".......  11min latur......."Oh, I found a new Johnny, gotta go, but no hard feelings, right?"

Point being do not trust a word.  Cover your 6 at ALL times, and get a hobby that does not include women.  I recommend gun powder and gasoline..... I drink M-1 with my breakfast.  

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, JC90 said:

I don't know what my problem is. These are the people I fall for. It doesn't happen often, but looking back pretty much all the women I was really truly infatuated with (4 or 5), including this one, have had some kind of emotional unavailability or other emotional issue.

Look within mate.  Like attracts like, broken people attract broken people, whether they're consciously aware of it or not.

Work on YOU.  

[Lotsgoingon]

31 minutes ago, JC90 said:

I don't know what my problem is. These are the people I fall for. It doesn't happen often, but looking back pretty much all the women I was really truly infatuated with (4 or 5), including this one, have had some kind of emotional unavailability or other emotional issue.

Smart to own up to this tendency. I spent many years dealing with wounded women and just wounded people. Nothing wrong with befriending wounded people. Nothing wrong with being friendly to emotionally unavailable people. But to date them is disaster. And here's the thing, the person who is doing the "rescuing," the person who thinks of themselves as "helping" the wounded person ... or getting that person to open up, always ends up hurt and devastated. 

You might need to think about this attraction to emotionally unavailable people. I catch myself these days anytime I feel like I have great insight that will help someone I'm interested in. Nope. Don't wanna do that. I want someone with whom I can share insights, someone who I know will live a fabulous life without in the picture at all. We want someone who impresses us--not evokes feelings of pity or compassion (beyond just the normal compassion of recognizing someone's humanity). 

Hang in there. You'll get through this. It takes a bit of practice to learn how to turn away from emotionally distant people. This experience should motivate you to do some of that practice. But avoiding these folks does require some work, if your reflex is to gravitate towards them. You can do it though, and it's so worth it!

 

[JC90]

Her: Yeah I shouldn't have started dating right away, I need time. I think I thought I was over my ex but honestly I don't think I was. I'm sorry James. I just need to be alone right now.

Me: I understand Sarah. I wish things could have been different, but we had a lot of fun together and I don't regret the time we shared. Take care

Her: We did. I don't either. You too

That was the exchange. I have to say, I knew it was over, but it was really painful to see that final text come in and fully realize that this is the end.

You can make fun of me or whatever for the text I sent, but I felt that it was the most appropriate. Putting it in her head that we had a lot of fun, showing that I'm not resentful and immature even though I'm clearly in pain, and telling her to "take care"--meaning that this is end and I'm accepting it as the end.

Edited September 12, 2020 by JC90

[Alpacalia]

Sorry OP.   That sucks.

It's hard when you meet someone and click with them but they're still reeling from a recent break-up.

 

[Woggle]

The only option you have is to move on and live your best life. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

Oh, s***.

The direction NOT to go in was to.immediately open with, so, you're on antidepressants and those can blunt your emotions...

The things she said all sound like the average gentle let-down. I know it hurts. My guess is her old boyfriend came back.

[CaliforniaGirl]

7 hours ago, JC90 said:

I don't know what my problem is. These are the people I fall for. It doesn't happen often, but looking back pretty much all the women I was really truly infatuated with (4 or 5), including this one, have had some kind of emotional unavailability or other emotional issue.

Well, then you have a clue right there! This is good info. As much as you're hurting right now, you may actually deep down not want a relationship, or are afraid of one. So you pick - as you say - emotionally unavailable women. It's likely that while you say you were happy you always had that nagging little doubt that she could be gone in a heartbeat. Weird though this sounds, if you didn't feel that seed of doubt, you probably  just wouldn't have been attracted. 

If I were you that's what I would be trying to work out: my side of the issue. Because until then you will never be satisfied with a woman who really does want you, and you'll keep attracting women who are nowhere near as invested as you are.

Edited September 12, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[JC90]

22 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Oh, s***.

The direction NOT to go in was to.immediately open with, so, you're on antidepressants and those can blunt your emotions...

The things she said all sound like the average gentle let-down. I know it hurts. My guess is her old boyfriend came back.

Her ex moved far away a month ago. She admitted to me at one point that she does still talk to him, but that ship has sailed even if she didn't want it to. The reasons she broke up with him in the first place were his pre cheating behavior, they were barely having any sex, and the military was stationing him in another state and she didn't want to go. It's possible that other guys are involved somewhere in this fiasco, but physically it's not her ex. And she's also just getting over a kidney infection, which I think she's just finishing her antibiotics for today or tomorrow, so I kind of doubt she's sleeping with anyone else yet

12 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Well, then you have a clue right there! This is good info. As much as you're hurting right now, you may actually deep down not want a relationship, or are afraid of one. So you pick - as you say - emotionally unavailable women. It's likely that while you say you were happy you always had that nagging little doubt that she could be gone in a heartbeat. Weird though this sounds, if you didn't feel that seed of doubt, you probably  just wouldn't have been attracted. 

If I were you that's what I would be trying to work out: my side of the issue. Because until then you will never be satisfied with a woman who really does want you, and you'll keep attracting women who are nowhere near as invested as you are.

You might be right about this. I do notice that doubt keeps me more interested. I don't know why though...

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, JC90 said:

I don't know what my problem is. These are the people I fall for. It doesn't happen often, but looking back pretty much all the women I was really truly infatuated with (4 or 5), including this one, have had some kind of emotional unavailability or other emotional issue.

That's the issue. Infatuation wears off in your few months casual short term dating cycling 

Sounds like you're the one who is emotionally unavailable because you're into the catch and release game.

This is why when someone announces they're a nanosecond out of a relationship, you latch on. 

When you prefer and seek out nonviable situations you create an escape loophole when the infatuation wears off 

[poppyfields]

14 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Look within mate.  Like attracts like, broken people attract broken people, whether they're consciously aware of it or not.

Work on YOU.  

After reading CAgirl's and Wiseman's posts, allow me to add one to this.^

"Emotionally unavailable" people attract "emotionally unavailable" people.... 

I'm glad to hear you're beginning to explore this, first step.  

It's all a journey, embrace. 

 

[amerikajin]

11 hours ago, JC90 said:

Her: Yeah I shouldn't have started dating right away, I need time. I think I thought I was over my ex but honestly I don't think I was. I'm sorry James. I just need to be alone right now.

Me: I understand Sarah. I wish things could have been different, but we had a lot of fun together and I don't regret the time we shared. Take care

Her: We did. I don't either. You too

That was the exchange. I have to say, I knew it was over, but it was really painful to see that final text come in and fully realize that this is the end.

You can make fun of me or whatever for the text I sent, but I felt that it was the most appropriate. Putting it in her head that we had a lot of fun, showing that I'm not resentful and immature even though I'm clearly in pain, and telling her to "take care"--meaning that this is end and I'm accepting it as the end.

I think this is exactly how I would have ended it - nice job. Now, just be sure not to take her back in if she decides to change her mind - that's very important. There's a non-zero chance that she will get lonely a few weekends from now, get a little down, get depressed, have a drink, and wonder what you're doing now and she might send you a 'What's up? How's life? Wanna hang out?' Text. Do not fall for that. It's tough because you will be tempted, but you will be setting yourself up for humiliation if you accept a relationship on her terms.

[JC90]

Someone on another forum wrote this:

"I think you’re in denial right now, that’s pretty normal as you recoil emotionally.

“I think I thought I was over my ex but honestly I don't think I was.“ <— this is an excuse, sure there’s a possibility she isn’t back with him, but this is a standard bs breakup line for women. Really standard bs.

If she saw potential with you, she’d stay. Period. You can’t seriously believe she genuinely wants to be with you but is so incredibly mature, she’s stepping back to reflect and recover from her ex. Absolutely laughable theory."

It makes a lot of sense... Obviously it hurts more, but I do think there's a lot of truth to it. What do you all think?

[amerikajin]

5 minutes ago, JC90 said:

Someone on another forum wrote this:

"I think you’re in denial right now, that’s pretty normal as you recoil emotionally.

“I think I thought I was over my ex but honestly I don't think I was.“ <— this is an excuse, sure there’s a possibility she isn’t back with him, but this is a standard bs breakup line for women. Really standard bs.

If she saw potential with you, she’d stay. Period. You can’t seriously believe she genuinely wants to be with you but is so incredibly mature, she’s stepping back to reflect and recover from her ex. Absolutely laughable theory."

It makes a lot of sense... Obviously it hurts more, but I do think there's a lot of truth to it. What do you all think?

As I said earlier, if she's breaking up with you now at 4 months, there's no way it'll ever work at 4 years. People who want a relationship don't flame out at 4 months.

Beyond that, whatever her explanations might be, it doesn't matter. You have to accept that you cannot control her behavior, only yours. So you know what? If she wants to just drop out of your life at 4 months, okay, that's her choice. You didn't like it but you accept it. But do not let her back in, no matter how tempted you might be by easy affection later. Don't fall for it.

When you can demonstrate self-value and self-control and really mean it, I think your dating life will improve a little. It's gradual though. A process. Was for me.