Girlfriend of 4 months suddenly broke up with me today

[poppyfields]

30 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What also stood out to me @JC90 was your hopelessness and depression until you met her, seeing her as some sort of saviour to your lonliness and unhappy state. 

No woman should have this sort of power over you, the same holds true for women towards men.

Work on you. Strive to become happy and whole on your own, without a girlfriend. 

A partner should enhance your already happy and fulfilling life not BE your life. 

Which imo is why you're so gutted now after only four months.  

On a more positive note, this is a great learning opportunity if you allow it to be.

Re-posting from previous, for emphasis.  

Edited September 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[amerikajin]

12 hours ago, JC90 said:

4 months down the drain... We were texting today and she randomly sent me this:

"Hey.

I have been thinking a lot about us lately, and where our relationship is headed. I'm feeling uncertain about our future, and I don’t think that's a good sign. You're really special and you deserve to be with someone who is ready to give you that relationship you’re looking for.

We are a great match in many ways- you're attractive, funny, and we have fun together. But for whatever reason, I'm not feeling strongly enough about this, and I know at this point in my life that it is important to me to have that strong connection with someone. You deserve real feeling and enthusiasm and for whatever reason I just can't deliver that to you right now. I have been waiting for stronger feelings to come because we seemed compatible, but they just haven’t.

I don't want to be in your way and hold you back from you the life you will be living soon with someone who is ready for that, and knowing that's not me I think it is best to free you up. I really really struggled with this decision because I like you and don't want to hurt you. I didn't make it lightly but I feel sure it's the right thing. I’m really sorry about it. You have been very sweet to me over the past few months. You can call me to talk if you want to. I am writing this to you because I am very selfish and don’t want to see you hurt. If you do need more closure though, I can talk on the phone. I wish you all the best."

I called her after I got this and we talked for a few minutes. She essentially said that she liked me, felt we had chemistry, and blah blah blah, but she was waiting for feelings to come and they never did. She also said she feels "heartless" or like she doesn't have emotions right now.

A few other things to note:

-The biggest thing... We started dating pretty much immediately after her last relationship, which was a 2-3 year relationship
-She's on lexapro (don't know for how long, but probably since before we met)
-She had a kidney infection the past week and stopped taking her birth control last Wednesday, then just got back on it yesterday or something

All bad signs, I know. BUT her and I had ridiculous chemistry in EVERY way and she was quickly becoming like a best friend as well as someone I was falling for, so I thought we were feeling the same and it would work. I was wrong. Apparently she never had real feelings for me (even though by her words she wanted them), all the while I'm legitimately falling in love with her. We had both agreed multiple times that we had crazy chemistry, which we also both agreed is extremely hard to find. She would also call me her boyfriend in text messages to friends (I know this because she'd text in front of me).

Per the usual post-breakup I feel absolutely horrendous. This totally took me by surprise. I'm shocked, hurting to a point I can't even describe, and I feel like everything I was looking forward to in the near future has totally crumbled. I'm trying not to think about the good times we had, but I can't help it, and whenever I do it breaks me even further. We were supposed to hangout tomorrow, we were going to take a trip to the beach in two weeks (which I made reservations for), and she told me she would be there for me/with me when I moved (moving to a new place in the same area next month). All gone. All of it plus 4 months of time, memories, and me falling in love with her.

This was one of the 2-3 girls EVER in 10-12 years of datig who I felt honest-to-god STRONG chemistry with. It hits even harder because I feel like I might never find this again. I also hate dating and was really happy to be out of that "game".

I sent her this text after:

"Hey I just wanted to say a few things that are on my mind because you said you feel heartless or like you don't have emotions right now. You told me that you're on anti-depressants. They can be great, but they also numb your emotions and make you think/feel differently than you otherwise would. Also, you said you stopped taking your birth control last week. I'm sure you already know this, but birth control messes with your hormones and starting/stopping can change the way you feel. On top of those factors, you just had a traumatic experience with that stalker guy and having this kidney infection. And lastly, I honestly don't think you gave "us" enough time. 3 months isn't even long enough to get over your ex of 2-3 years, let alone catch feelings for someone else. If you would have given us longer you might have caught feelings like I did. I'm not trying to change your mind and I respect your decision even though it crushes me, but I just wanted to make you aware of these things if you aren't already, because they may be influencing your feelings."

It was from a 98% rational perspective. I really am not sure if it's a good thing she's breaking it off now, or if there was a chance she'd have eventually gotten feelings in the future if we kept seeing each other.

It's all even more confusing, because a few weeks ago I sat down with her and told her if she needed/want space, or to see other people, or just to break it off or whatever--she could, and that she should do it right away. But she didn't want to. Then a few weeks later she does this.

The best way I can sum up how I'm feeling is... Hopeless. Completely hopeless. I don't even know what to do or where to go now.

Understand this: you have no control over her. None whatsoever. This is obviously hard but things will get easier once you understand that reality and embrace it.

You can only control you, and only you. You can only control how you react.

What I'm going to write is going to sound a little heartless given her situation, but I'll advise that you just forget her and move on. Drop her like a bad habit and don't look back. Wish her well, but move on. Understand that if things are not working out at 4 months, there is no f***ing way they will ever work out for 4 years or 40. Show compassion for her situation as a human being for sure, but drop any and all thoughts of a romantic future together. It ain't happening.

[amerikajin]

10 hours ago, JC90 said:

I just feel like if there was more time things could've been different... A few weeks ago when we talked she told me her "heart was closed right now", but still wanted to continue seeing me. Maybe if she gave it more time she could've totally gotten over her ex, and after that her heart would "open up" and she'd be able to catch feelings for me.

God I feel awful. There are no words to describe how miserable I am right now. For three months straight we were seeing each other multiple times per week, doing lots of things together, building memories, cuddling, having great sex, having sleepovers, laughing and joking together, and more, and in an instant it's all gone. Destroyed. I feel like I have no future. She was one of like 2-3 women ever in over a decade of dating that I've have legitimate chemistry with and been falling in love with. I feel like I may never have this again.

I know all of this is cheesy, but I had been lonely and depressed for a long time (despite being pretty "successful" in my dating/sex life), and when I started getting feelings for her I started thinking... This is it. This is finally it. I've found someone who I might be able to fall in love with and spend my life with. And in an instant it's gone and never coming back. I don't know what to do. I feel like my future has been destroyed. Like there's barely anything to live for.

I used to be a lot like you - wanting love because it was something I couldn't have and feeling like my life had to have someone in it in order for me to be truly happy.

Took me a long time to realize that it's the opposite: you can't love others and others can't really love you, unless you love you first. So find things that make you happy independent of everything and everyone else, whether that's sitting at home and watching Netflix, going out on hikes, playing Dungeons and Dragons, or going to a casino (try not to go broke, though) - whatever. Do what makes you happy and then hopefully others will come along for the ride, but if they don't, at least you're still happy being yourself when you're an old man on your front porch.

[ShyViolet]

16 minutes ago, JC90 said:

It doesn't matter either way. She dumped me. She's not coming back. She doesn't care about me and never did. It's not her fault that she never had feelings for me, but it's still like the ultimate betrayal. I'm in love with her but for her I'm nothing more than a f*** buddy boyfriend placeholder

God damnit I don't want to feel like this

Listen, it just happened yesterday!  You're still in shock.  It's totally normal to feel like this.  Give yourself a break.  Allow yourself to feel your feelings, wallow in them if you need to.  This is just gonna suck, there's no avoiding that.  But you will not feel this way forever.  You will get over it.  Allow yourself that time to heal, move through the feelings, process it all, and pick yourself up and move on.

[Dork Vader]

I don't even know where to begin with a response. One she's probably not feeling anything because she is only 2-3 months out of a 2+ year long relationship. 

From there, have you ever taken any anti-depressants? Most don't make you numb, even if they did you're making a huge assumption based on 0 evidence and likely with 0 training in psychology and psychiatry. I've taken dozens of different medications and none ever made me feel like I was numb. If someone I had been dating for 3 months tried to bring up my mental illness or the medications I take, as a reason for behavior they see that they don't like. I would be extremely annoyed and likely end things because of that, if I really like them they'd get a warning that's a no go topic. If I was breaking things off with someone and they asked if it was because of the medications I was taking. I would never talk to them again, it's not your place especially only after 3 months of dating. I have had woman attempt what you suggest and it typically lead to me blocking their number. Even if I was ending the relationship because I was being OCD, asking about my treatment is not the way to go about it. Best approach is to try and reason with me and get me to see the light without putting it on my mental illness. Trust me when the lights come on that it was my mental illness, I'll apologize. 

The thing that I absolutely hate the most, is when people try and use my mental illness against me or as a means to try and make me second guess decisions I've made. Especially when those decisions are not erratic, impulsive or irrational. She clearly showed it was not. 

Sure mental illnesses can play a part in relationships ending. If they are Bipolar and going into mania or a depressive phase, that could play a part in it. Even certain aspects of being OCD can. But again at 3 months of dating it's not your place to be sticking your nose. That's for her and her therapist to sort out and I'm sure she already spoke to her therapist about it. 

Yes there comes a point in which I would be okay with my SO talking to me about those things. But we are talking 6+ Months if not years into a relationship, when there has been ample time for me to show them what it's like, what my struggles are and  how to respond/approach that subject if it's ever something that needs to be discussed. But I get raging mad when people ask "is it your medication?" "Are you taking your medication?"...

[gamon]

2 hours ago, JC90 said:

You're probably right about it being inappropriate, and it was definitely pointless, but it's still true.

Doesn't matter whether it's true. You were over the line in suggesting it. Sometimes a breakup isn't black and white and the door isn't completely shut but the immediate actions of the dumpee put a padlock on it.

Best to accept the breakup as graciously as she presented it to you. Along the lines of "sorry you feel this way but I respect your decision" and just leave it at that.

If she changes her mind, because of misgivings or hormonal changes or medication side effects or lack thereof, you'll hear from her.

 

 

Edited September 11, 2020 by gamon

[Datingdisabled]

2 hours ago, JC90 said:

It doesn't matter either way. She dumped me. She's not coming back. She doesn't care about me and never did. It's not her fault that she never had feelings for me, but it's still like the ultimate betrayal. I'm in love with her but for her I'm nothing more than a f*** buddy boyfriend placeholder

God damnit I don't want to feel like this

I'm liking all your posts because you are being honest. I agree that it doesn't matter if we think what you are feeling is right but that you clearly state how you are feeling. 

[JC90]

She just texted me responding to the message I sent her. I didn't think she was going to at this point.

"Yeah I shouldn't have started dating right away, I need time. I think I thought I was over my ex but honestly I don't think I was. I'm sorry James. I just need to be alone right now."

Should I say anything in response?

Edited September 11, 2020 by JC90

[ShyViolet]

2 minutes ago, JC90 said:

She just texted me responding to the message I sent her. I didn't think she was going to at this point.

"Yeah I shouldn't have started dating right away, I need time. I think I thought I was over my ex but honestly I don't think I was. I'm sorry James. I just need to be alone right now."

Should I say anything in response?

No.  You are just digging a hole here.  There's nothing left to say.  This relationship is over, done.  You need to leave her alone and focus on getting over this and moving on.

[Ruby Slippers]

This is why I never date anyone who hasn't been single for a healthy amount of time. My guideline is half the duration of a relationship for healing time, or a year after a longer relationship. So if their relationship was 6 months, I'd make sure he'd been single at least 3 months. If a 5-year relationship, at least 1 year single. 

Breakups are never easy, but as you mature, you learn that your relationships improve over time as you get clearer on what you want and become more discerning. 

Hopefully you've learned from this to never waste your time and energy being the rebound guy again. 

[Ruby Slippers]

4 minutes ago, JC90 said:

Should I say anything in response?

No, don't communicate with her at all unless she asks to get back together. I think this is unlikely, but you staying in touch isn't going to help. "No contact" is probably the way to go in your case. 

[notbroken]

As hard as it is, drop all communications with her asap.  It hurts but it is over.   Definitely do NOT beg, plead, etc. - just makes you seem weak to her and won't get her back.  Even if it did, you don't really want that.   You can't 'undo' her breakup and you would never trust her again.   

Hard to see now, but she did you a favor.  One sided love is not true love.  She may be incapable of it for some time based on her previous breakup, depression, etc.   

Take some time off the dating world.  Be good to yourself.   You deserve it.   Avoid alcohol and drugs (very short term 'cures' that are worse than the problem).   Be active.  Do things you enjoy.   Good luck. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

First of all, this is someone who would break-up with you over (email, was it?)  ("texts" aren't typically that long).

Second, the reasons you touched upon are very possibly central to her present-day feelings, and perhaps they are as unhealthy as you (understand).

 

AND, in response, you sent her a well-conceived, fair admission/expression of your own feelings... you showed your vulnerability... and that was great/appropriate.

 

Resist with all your might the impulse to seem to present a court case connected to why she should keep you.   Most of that will just snowball into numerous reasons why she should disconnect from your life (and THOSE would be "good" reasons pertaining to YOU-you, and not just effects of her present mind which brought her to this point)

 

Tiz possible that she shouldn't have dated so soon after her ex... BUT that isn't "wrong"...  for maybe she is someone who was better off inside for the new focus, than to be wallowing at home not long after a break-up.   It's also possible that she is not looking back with objectivity.

 

SO FAR...  you've not done anything to make yourself seem the bad guy...   and I don't suggest altering that course of action at this point.

 

 

Edited September 11, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Re:  in response to the text...    you could write a brief: 

 

"I understand".

 

(and then BE the decent, confident human being who CAN appear on (her surface) to seem {able to get over the hurt}...  and then keep looking forward toward your own near-future)

 

IF you find some other great partner...  terrific...       but to step away under this circumstance from somebody you ID'ed as a good prospect,  DOES afford you the possibility that she might  contact you again if she acquires a more comfortable outlook on herself.

IF instead you battle her point-by-point wanting to somehow prove to her  why her thoughts and feelings are wrong...  then there wouldn't be that hope.

 

 

[JC90]

48 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

No.  You are just digging a hole here.  There's nothing left to say.  This relationship is over, done.  You need to leave her alone and focus on getting over this and moving on.

 

44 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

No, don't communicate with her at all unless she asks to get back together. I think this is unlikely, but you staying in touch isn't going to help. "No contact" is probably the way to go in your case. 

 

32 minutes ago, notbroken said:

As hard as it is, drop all communications with her asap.  It hurts but it is over.   Definitely do NOT beg, plead, etc. - just makes you seem weak to her and won't get her back.  Even if it did, you don't really want that.   You can't 'undo' her breakup and you would never trust her again.   

Hard to see now, but she did you a favor.  One sided love is not true love.  She may be incapable of it for some time based on her previous breakup, depression, etc.   

Take some time off the dating world.  Be good to yourself.   You deserve it.   Avoid alcohol and drugs (very short term 'cures' that are worse than the problem).   Be active.  Do things you enjoy.   Good luck. 

 

23 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

First of all, this is someone who would break-up with you over (email, was it?)  ("texts" aren't typically that long).

Second, the reasons you touched upon are very possibly central to her present-day feelings, and perhaps they are as unhealthy as you (understand).

 

AND, in response, you sent her a well-conceived, fair admission/expression of your own feelings... you showed your vulnerability... and that was great/appropriate.

 

Resist with all your might the impulse to seem to present a court case connected to why she should keep you.   Most of that will just snowball into numerous reasons why she should disconnect from your life (and THOSE would be "good" reasons pertaining to YOU-you, and not just effects of her present mind which brought her to this point)

 

Tiz possible that she shouldn't have dated so soon after her ex... BUT that isn't "wrong"...  for maybe she is someone who was better off inside for the new focus, than to be wallowing at home not long after a break-up.   It's also possible that she is not looking back with objectivity.

 

SO FAR...  you've not done anything to make yourself seem the bad guy...   and I don't suggest altering that course of action at this point.

 

 

 

18 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Re:  in response to the text...    you could write a brief: 

 

"I understand".

 

(and then BE the decent, confident human being who CAN appear on (her surface) to seem {able to get over the hurt}...  and then keep looking forward toward your own near-future)

 

IF you find some other great partner...  terrific...       but to step away under this circumstance from somebody you ID'ed as a good prospect,  DOES afford you the possibility that she might  contact you again if she acquires a more comfortable outlook on herself.

IF instead you battle her point-by-point wanting to somehow prove to her  why her thoughts and feelings are wrong...  then there wouldn't be that hope.

 

 

What if I just send "it's ok Sarah. I understand" then delete her number? As screwed up as all this is, she was really special to me. I want to leave on a note that makes me seem strong but also understanding/caring.

As pathetic as it is, the only thing I want right now is for her to have feelings for me like I do for her, even though she's dumped me.

[lana-banana]

8 minutes ago, JC90 said:

As pathetic as it is, the only thing I want right now is for her to have feelings for me like I do for her, even though she's dumped me.

We all know and empathize with this urge so strongly, but the fact is you have no control over anybody else's feelings. (Hell, many people don't even have control over their own feelings!) You can send the message if you want but I guarantee it won't change her opinion of you regardless. Give yourself time to move through this. You will have a lot of down moments, but up ones too. Eventually the up ones will outnumber the down and you'll be on the road to recovery. 

[bobjon]

What you need to do is the DROP THE MIC and walk out of the building!  You probably won't but you prob have 10 people telling you what you need to do.  She already knows, and doesn't care.  

Next time don't get attached!  Consider it like a business partnership...that is all they are!  

[ExpatInItaly]

32 minutes ago, JC90 said:

What if I just send "it's ok Sarah. I understand" then delete her number? As screwed up as all this is, she was really special to me. I want to leave on a note that makes me seem strong but also understanding/caring.

Not to pile on, but whatever note you leave it in isn’t entirely relevant at this point. 

Her mind is likely focused not on how caring or strong you appear, but rather how smoothly she can extract herself from this. Your reaction to it isn’t going to change the bottom line.

You could be cordial, but her last message doesn’t really need a response and I doubt she’s really waiting for one. 

[Acacia98]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Not to pile on, but whatever note you leave it in isn’t entirely relevant at this point. 

I think he's doing it for his own sake. He wants to exit with some dignity. If it allows him to start to move on, I'm all for it.

[Ruby Slippers]

42 minutes ago, JC90 said:

What if I just send "it's ok Sarah. I understand" then delete her number? As screwed up as all this is, she was really special to me. I want to leave on a note that makes me seem strong but also understanding/caring.

No. This would only make you come across as weak. She basically admitted she used you as a rebound guy. You're going to reply and say you understand that she used you for attention and company then dumped you once her ego was soothed? Have some dignity and move on from this poor treatment. And again, learn the lesson and don't ever be a rebound guy again.

[mark clemson]

56 minutes ago, JC90 said:

What if I just send "it's ok Sarah. I understand" then delete her number? As screwed up as all this is, she was really special to me. I want to leave on a note that makes me seem strong but also understanding/caring.

As pathetic as it is, the only thing I want right now is for her to have feelings for me like I do for her, even though she's dumped me.

Perhaps something along the lines of "No worries, I hope you take care of yourself and wish you the best of luck. Take care." or similar.

Then bite the bullet and stay NC unless/until she contacts you again (a LOW probability IMO, so don't hold out for it or anything). Then it's time to move on with your life.

Edited September 11, 2020 by mark clemson

[bobjon]

Just now, mark clemson said:

Perhaps something along the lines of "No worries, I hope you take care of yourself and wish you the best of luck. Take care." or similar.

Then bite the bullet and stay NC unless/until she contacts you again (a LOW probability IMO, so don't hold out for it or anything). Then it's time to move on with your life.

NOPE!  Don't tell her ANY of that crap.  Ruby has this right as well.  You need to not 'drop' the mic, but throw it on the floor and stomp on it.  She used you, but you want to say "it's, ok, thanks anyway".  No, that is not how to handle these types.  

[mark clemson]

29 minutes ago, bobjon said:

NOPE!  Don't tell her ANY of that crap.  Ruby has this right as well.

I disagree - ghosting her just makes him seem like a douchebag. OP agreed to the relationship, he enjoyed it, and she's been very gracious about the breakup. She's just realized she's not that into him (probably because he's a rebound). There's no need for "revenge" here.

[bobjon]

Just now, mark clemson said:

I disagree - ghosting her just makes him seem like a douchebag. OP agreed to the relationship, he enjoyed it, and she's been very gracious about the breakup. She's just realized she's not that into him (probably because he's a rebound). There's no need for "revenge" here.

Saying nothing is not 'revenge'.... As others have said, she is just trying to get it done.  Saying ANYTHING will not matter one bit to her.  There is zero reason to reply.  I will change nothing.  

[mark clemson]

10 minutes ago, bobjon said:

Saying nothing is not 'revenge'....

I agree it's not likely to change anything. That's why closing out the conversation at this point is the socially appropriate move. Just leaving it hanging is ghosting, or at least avoiding proper closure which IMO IS a D-bag move that shows either resentment, immaturity, or poor social skills. So again I disagree on that point.