Girlfriend of 4 months suddenly broke up with me today

[JC90]

4 months down the drain... We were texting today and she randomly sent me this:

"Hey.

I have been thinking a lot about us lately, and where our relationship is headed. I'm feeling uncertain about our future, and I don’t think that's a good sign. You're really special and you deserve to be with someone who is ready to give you that relationship you’re looking for.

We are a great match in many ways- you're attractive, funny, and we have fun together. But for whatever reason, I'm not feeling strongly enough about this, and I know at this point in my life that it is important to me to have that strong connection with someone. You deserve real feeling and enthusiasm and for whatever reason I just can't deliver that to you right now. I have been waiting for stronger feelings to come because we seemed compatible, but they just haven’t.

I don't want to be in your way and hold you back from you the life you will be living soon with someone who is ready for that, and knowing that's not me I think it is best to free you up. I really really struggled with this decision because I like you and don't want to hurt you. I didn't make it lightly but I feel sure it's the right thing. I’m really sorry about it. You have been very sweet to me over the past few months. You can call me to talk if you want to. I am writing this to you because I am very selfish and don’t want to see you hurt. If you do need more closure though, I can talk on the phone. I wish you all the best."

I called her after I got this and we talked for a few minutes. She essentially said that she liked me, felt we had chemistry, and blah blah blah, but she was waiting for feelings to come and they never did. She also said she feels "heartless" or like she doesn't have emotions right now.

A few other things to note:

-The biggest thing... We started dating pretty much immediately after her last relationship, which was a 2-3 year relationship
-She's on lexapro (don't know for how long, but probably since before we met)
-She had a kidney infection the past week and stopped taking her birth control last Wednesday, then just got back on it yesterday or something

All bad signs, I know. BUT her and I had ridiculous chemistry in EVERY way and she was quickly becoming like a best friend as well as someone I was falling for, so I thought we were feeling the same and it would work. I was wrong. Apparently she never had real feelings for me (even though by her words she wanted them), all the while I'm legitimately falling in love with her. We had both agreed multiple times that we had crazy chemistry, which we also both agreed is extremely hard to find. She would also call me her boyfriend in text messages to friends (I know this because she'd text in front of me).

Per the usual post-breakup I feel absolutely horrendous. This totally took me by surprise. I'm shocked, hurting to a point I can't even describe, and I feel like everything I was looking forward to in the near future has totally crumbled. I'm trying not to think about the good times we had, but I can't help it, and whenever I do it breaks me even further. We were supposed to hangout tomorrow, we were going to take a trip to the beach in two weeks (which I made reservations for), and she told me she would be there for me/with me when I moved (moving to a new place in the same area next month). All gone. All of it plus 4 months of time, memories, and me falling in love with her.

This was one of the 2-3 girls EVER in 10-12 years of datig who I felt honest-to-god STRONG chemistry with. It hits even harder because I feel like I might never find this again. I also hate dating and was really happy to be out of that "game".

I sent her this text after:

"Hey I just wanted to say a few things that are on my mind because you said you feel heartless or like you don't have emotions right now. You told me that you're on anti-depressants. They can be great, but they also numb your emotions and make you think/feel differently than you otherwise would. Also, you said you stopped taking your birth control last week. I'm sure you already know this, but birth control messes with your hormones and starting/stopping can change the way you feel. On top of those factors, you just had a traumatic experience with that stalker guy and having this kidney infection. And lastly, I honestly don't think you gave "us" enough time. 3 months isn't even long enough to get over your ex of 2-3 years, let alone catch feelings for someone else. If you would have given us longer you might have caught feelings like I did. I'm not trying to change your mind and I respect your decision even though it crushes me, but I just wanted to make you aware of these things if you aren't already, because they may be influencing your feelings."

It was from a 98% rational perspective. I really am not sure if it's a good thing she's breaking it off now, or if there was a chance she'd have eventually gotten feelings in the future if we kept seeing each other.

It's all even more confusing, because a few weeks ago I sat down with her and told her if she needed/want space, or to see other people, or just to break it off or whatever--she could, and that she should do it right away. But she didn't want to. Then a few weeks later she does this.

The best way I can sum up how I'm feeling is... Hopeless. Completely hopeless. I don't even know what to do or where to go now.

[bobjon]

Sounds like a typical deal.  Saddle up for a new rider in your future.  

[assertives]

Wow. She sounded very gracious and very kind with how she handled the breakup. I guess she was just not feeling the spark and there isn't much anyone can do about it. Sometimes, 2 people can seem like a great match for each other on paper and in theory should work out well but if the feelings are just not there, they are not there. She cannot manufacture, force, love bomb, will or manipulate them to come. You can have great chemistry with someone, but that doesn't necessarily translate to wanting a long-term relationship too. Sucks but such is life. Sorry you are going through this. She's right that you deserve someone who would be enthusiastic and want the same things as you do.

[JC90]

8 minutes ago, assertives said:

Wow. She sounded very gracious and very kind with how she handled the breakup. I guess she was just not feeling the spark and there isn't much anyone can do about it. Sometimes, 2 people can seem like a great match for each other on paper and in theory should work out well but if the feelings are just not there, they are not there. She cannot manufacture, force, love bomb, will or manipulate them to come. You can have great chemistry with someone, but that doesn't necessarily translate to wanting a long-term relationship too. Sucks but such is life. Sorry you are going through this. She's right that you deserve someone who would be enthusiastic and want the same things as you do.

I just feel like if there was more time things could've been different... A few weeks ago when we talked she told me her "heart was closed right now", but still wanted to continue seeing me. Maybe if she gave it more time she could've totally gotten over her ex, and after that her heart would "open up" and she'd be able to catch feelings for me.

God I feel awful. There are no words to describe how miserable I am right now. For three months straight we were seeing each other multiple times per week, doing lots of things together, building memories, cuddling, having great sex, having sleepovers, laughing and joking together, and more, and in an instant it's all gone. Destroyed. I feel like I have no future. She was one of like 2-3 women ever in over a decade of dating that I've have legitimate chemistry with and been falling in love with. I feel like I may never have this again.

I know all of this is cheesy, but I had been lonely and depressed for a long time (despite being pretty "successful" in my dating/sex life), and when I started getting feelings for her I started thinking... This is it. This is finally it. I've found someone who I might be able to fall in love with and spend my life with. And in an instant it's gone and never coming back. I don't know what to do. I feel like my future has been destroyed. Like there's barely anything to live for.

[ajequals]

It's terrible how guys don't have a clue what's going on inside a woman's mind. I'm much older that you and time has not taught me the thought process they use.  Every time I think I know. NOPE. back to the drawing board. Being you have strong feelings for her. maybe ask if you can remain friends and see if the candle lights..stranger things have happened

[JC90]

29 minutes ago, ajequals said:

It's terrible how guys don't have a clue what's going on inside a woman's mind. I'm much older that you and time has not taught me the thought process they use.  Every time I think I know. NOPE. back to the drawing board. Being you have strong feelings for her. maybe ask if you can remain friends and see if the candle lights..stranger things have happened

As much as I'd love to see her, I think this would make everything worse. Especially when she starts dating other guys. There's no way I can just be friends with her. I'm in love with her.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm so sorry you're going through this JC.  I believe you wrote you've already sent the letter you wrote her. I wouldn't contact her anymore. And you probably haven't planned to. 

You wrote that she said a few weeks ago that her heart is closed right now. So that was a big clue as to where things were going.  But, I know that's not what you want to hear. 

Are you posting to process your pain? To vent? Or to ask advice. All of those seem to me to be good reasons to post, btw.  Again, I"m so sorry.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, JC90 said:

I sent her this text after:

"Hey I just wanted to say a few things that are on my mind because you said you feel heartless or like you don't have emotions right now. You told me that you're on anti-depressants. They can be great, but they also numb your emotions and make you think/feel differently than you otherwise would. Also, you said you stopped taking your birth control last week. I'm sure you already know this, but birth control messes with your hormones and starting/stopping can change the way you feel. On top of those factors, you just had a traumatic experience with that stalker guy and having this kidney infection. And lastly, I honestly don't think you gave "us" enough time. 3 months isn't even long enough to get over your ex of 2-3 years, let alone catch feelings for someone else. If you would have given us longer you might have caught feelings like I did. I'm not trying to change your mind and I respect your decision even though it crushes me, but I just wanted to make you aware of these things if you aren't already, because they may be influencing your feelings."

I know you are hurt, OP, but you essentially are trying to change her mind with all of this. 

She doesn't need you to tell her these things. She knows her own heart and mind better than you do, even if you aren't quite ready to accept it yet.  It's not exactly your place to tell her that what she's feeling is somehow wrong or clouded by external factors. Don't try to explain or negotiate someone's own feelings next time. 

That said, I am very sorry you're going through this. It must have been a terrible disappointment, but know that if she's feeling like this, she definitely isn't the one for you. 

[ajequals]

JC. did you tell her you love her?

[ChangeMyName]

7 minutes ago, ajequals said:

JC. did you tell her you love her?

Yes. I told her I've been falling in love with her. And I've told her I cared about her and had feelings for her

Edit: this is jc.

Edited September 11, 2020 by ChangeMyName

[balletomane]

Based on the timeframe, I'm assuming this is the same woman who upset you by frequently posting sexy photos of herself on social media and inviting other guys for drinks at her house without inviting you. The situation you described in that thread made it very clear that she saw the relationship as much more casual than you did. I think now you're mentally airbrushing out the signs you don't want to see.

You told her you loved her very early on. Four months is barely long enough to get to know a person. I know it doesn't feel that way when you're really attracted to someone and enjoying their company, but the mark of love is how much you enjoy having them around when the initial honeymoon period has worn off and you get to know all their flaws (and by get to know them, I mean accept them for what they are, rather than minimising them or explaining them away). I know it's painful, but try and learn from this experience. You can take valuable lessons from it that will help you in future relationships.

Edited September 11, 2020 by balletomane

[DarrenB]

She made the appropriate decision, both for herself and for you.

She does not sound as if she is capable of maintaining a relationship with someone at the moment, so don't read into it too much and assume you did anything wrong.

It definitely seems as if she's carrying an abundance of burdens, and doesn't want you to feel the outside perspective effect of them yourself. This was both a mature and rational decision from her behalf as a lot of people would just prolong the inevitable and neglect the problems, ultimately leading to further interpersonal calamities down the line.

Give yourself time to grieve and heal. There's much more to life than a relationship - the world is your oyster.

 

[chillii]

Tbh , you basically told her to think about it and if she wasn't happy to not feel obligated or bound , to drop this and move on. Well sorry to say but she thought about that for a few wks and would've already been thinking about it before you even said those things anyway and so you basically let her off the hook to go ahead, but that's ok , it had to be done if she wasn't feeling it. Believe it or not it's lucky you did say it or she might've let it drag on for mths and mths more but it's better to come out now. Unfortunately for you really it was more just a small wave , that's pretty clear in the way you both talk about it buttt, this frees you both up to find the real thing , just like she said. l wouldn't bother with friends it's better and healthier in the long run trying to move on in life.

Edited September 11, 2020 by chillii

[ExpatInItaly]

Based on your last thread, you now know you can trust your gut. 

You had inklings as recently as July that she was not seeing you exclusively and thus not as invested as you were, unfortunately.  This is definitely not one of those situations in which she just needed more time to see if her feelings developed. She hasn't been as this into as you are from the get-go. It doesn't feel like it now, but this is going to be better for you in the long run. There would have been no point continuing to see each when you didn't want the same things from this. 

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, JC90 said:

-The biggest thing... We started dating pretty much immediately after her last relationship, which was a 2-3 year relationship

Yes, which you chose to  ignore.
You were the rebound, you felt nice and cosy and warm as she slotted you into the bf slot quite quickly and easily. BUT she eventually woke up, she realised she had grabbed the first "suitable" guy she could find to get over her last relationship, and she realised you were not the man for her.
You projected your feelings for her onto her, despite her words and actions telling you a quite different story.
Stay away from women who have just come out of LTRs and when they tell you their "heart is closed", then believe them...

[ShyViolet]

She explained herself very clearly and it sounds like she knows what she wants and is 100% sure of her decision.  To be honest with you, I think it was completely inappropriate of you to reply that she is on antidepressants and hasn't taken her birth control or whatever.  That has nothing to do with this, and it sounds like you're suggesting that she doesn't know what she wants or is just making decisions based on "hormones."  If I was her and I received that message, I would be offended and pissed off.  It just sounds kind of ridiculous.  You shouldn't have said those things.  Just accept her decision, and RESPECT her decision.  She's not going to change her mind.  Of course it's going to be hard, this only JUST happened and it's normal to have a hard time with it.  You will get over it with time.  But don't send her messages with counter-arguments and attempts to convince her to rethink her decision.

[JC90]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Yes, which you chose to  ignore.
You were the rebound, you felt nice and cosy and warm as she slotted you into the bf slot quite quickly and easily. BUT she eventually woke up, she realised she had grabbed the first "suitable" guy she could find to get over her last relationship, and she realised you were not the man for her.
You projected your feelings for her onto her, despite her words and actions telling you a quite different story.
Stay away from women who have just come out of LTRs and when they tell you their "heart is closed", then believe them...

I thought that being with me would open her heart so to speak, help her heal from her last relationship, and she'd fall for me like I did for her. Apparently I was completely wrong and just ended up getting used

[JC90]

17 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

She explained herself very clearly and it sounds like she knows what she wants and is 100% sure of her decision.  To be honest with you, I think it was completely inappropriate of you to reply that she is on antidepressants and hasn't taken her birth control or whatever.  That has nothing to do with this, and it sounds like you're suggesting that she doesn't know what she wants or is just making decisions based on "hormones."  If I was her and I received that message, I would be offended and pissed off.  It just sounds kind of ridiculous.  You shouldn't have said those things.  Just accept her decision, and RESPECT her decision.  She's not going to change her mind.  Of course it's going to be hard, this only JUST happened and it's normal to have a hard time with it.  You will get over it with time.  But don't send her messages with counter-arguments and attempts to convince her to rethink her decision.

You're probably right about it being inappropriate, and it was definitely pointless, but it's still true. Anti depressants can blunt your emotions, and birth control changes hormones big time which can change feelings. The fact that she did this after being off birth control for a week seemed odd to me, and on top of that there's the emotional blunting effect from the lexapro. These things might not have affected this scenario, but I 100% believe they are effecting her emotions

[ShyViolet]

20 minutes ago, JC90 said:

You're probably right about it being inappropriate, and it was definitely pointless, but it's still true. Anti depressants can blunt your emotions, and birth control changes hormones big time which can change feelings. The fact that she did this after being off birth control for a week seemed odd to me, and on top of that there's the emotional blunting effect from the lexapro. These things might not have affected this scenario, but I 100% believe they are effecting her emotions

Again, to be honest, I think it is offensive of you to suggest that a person who is on antidepressants or birth control might be less capable of knowing what they want, or less able to make rational decisions.  I'm sure there are people on this board who are either on antidepressants or birth control and will take issue with your theory.  It's wrong.  Being on either of these drugs may affect moods, absolutely, but that is a totally different issue from decision making and knowing what you want in life, or knowing whether you are compatible with another person.  She explained her reasons for not wanting to be with you anymore and there was nothing in there that even remotely sounded like it was just her hormones or moods clouding her judgment.  It sounded like 100% the opposite... she sounded very clear-headed and rational.

You are grasping at straws.  Stop coming up with theories as to why she might change her mind or deep down want to be with you even thought she said she doesn't.  In her message she couldn't have been more clear.  I just think you are barking up the wrong tree in bringing these things up in your response to her.  It's not going to reflect well on you, she's not going to respond positively.

Edited September 11, 2020 by ShyViolet

[GeorgiaPeach1]

This may have seemed sudden to you, but she’d been thinking about this for weeks or even months. She made sure she was completely emotionally disconnected and ready to move on, before pulling the rug out from under you. It’s a sucker punch.       
 

You shouldn’t have responded to her goodbye text, or just sent a “Thank you for letting me know. Take care.” short response. All that texting her paragraphs and calling is essentially begging and pleading, which all but destroys your chances of her changing her mind. It makes you look like you have no pride, dignity or other options.

You need to go permanent no contact, so you can heal and move on. 

 

[mark clemson]

She seems pretty gracious about it. I think that, unfortunately, despite the chemistry you were in fact a rebound and really she hasn't processed the end of her prior relationship.

My suggestion would be to equally gracious, give her her space, and consider looking her up in a year, IF you happen to be single, IN CASE she still is and perhaps she'll give it a second go. In the meantime, however, don't let that remote possibility stop you from moving on yourself...

[smackie9]

You were a rebound.....and with the posting seductive pic on the net says to me she was just wanting an ego boost because her self esteem was very low. Now it all makes sense. I think in the beginning she wasn't emotionally in her right mind...but now, with some long and hard thought, she sees the truth of it, and has taken accountability for it...giving you proper closure in the fairest manner possible.

[poppyfields]

58 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

She explained herself very clearly and it sounds like she knows what she wants and is 100% sure of her decision.  To be honest with you, I think it was completely inappropriate of you to reply that she is on antidepressants and hasn't taken her birth control or whatever.  That has nothing to do with this, and it sounds like you're suggesting that she doesn't know what she wants or is just making decisions based on "hormones."  If I was her and I received that message, I would be offended and pissed off.  It just sounds kind of ridiculous.  You shouldn't have said those things.  Just accept her decision, and RESPECT her decision.  She's not going to change her mind.  Of course it's going to be hard, this only JUST happened and it's normal to have a hard time with it.  You will get over it with time.  But don't send her messages with counter-arguments and attempts to convince her to rethink her decision.

I was just about to post same thing^^, thx SV, saved me the effort! 

What also stood out to me @JC90 was your hopelessness and depression until you met her, seeing her as some sort of saviour to your lonliness and unhappy state. 

Women can sense this in a man, and it often causes feelings of sadness (and dare I say pity) for him versus inspiring feelings of love and passion. Which may explain her long and very sensitive break up text. 

No woman should have this sort of power over you, the same holds true for women towards men.

Work on you. Strive to become happy and whole on your own, without a girlfriend. 

A partner should enhance your already happy and fulfilling life not BE your life. 

Which imo is why you're so gutted now after only four months.  

On a more positive note, this is a great learning opportunity if you allow it to be.

Hope you feel better soon, all the best...

Edited September 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[JC90]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

She explained herself very clearly and it sounds like she knows what she wants and is 100% sure of her decision.  To be honest with you, I think it was completely inappropriate of you to reply that she is on antidepressants and hasn't taken her birth control or whatever.  That has nothing to do with this, and it sounds like you're suggesting that she doesn't know what she wants or is just making decisions based on "hormones."  If I was her and I received that message, I would be offended and pissed off.  It just sounds kind of ridiculous.  You shouldn't have said those things.  Just accept her decision, and RESPECT her decision.  She's not going to change her mind.  Of course it's going to be hard, this only JUST happened and it's normal to have a hard time with it.  You will get over it with time.  But don't send her messages with counter-arguments and attempts to convince her to rethink her decision.

It doesn't matter either way. She dumped me. She's not coming back. She doesn't care about me and never did. It's not her fault that she never had feelings for me, but it's still like the ultimate betrayal. I'm in love with her but for her I'm nothing more than a f*** buddy boyfriend placeholder

God damnit I don't want to feel like this

[ExpatInItaly]

42 minutes ago, JC90 said:

You're probably right about it being inappropriate, and it was definitely pointless, but it's still true. Anti depressants can blunt your emotions, and birth control changes hormones big time which can change feelings. The fact that she did this after being off birth control for a week seemed odd to me, and on top of that there's the emotional blunting effect from the lexapro. These things might not have affected this scenario, but I 100% believe they are effecting her emotions

Judging from your last thread, there have been warning signs a lot longer than a week, JC. 

Also, as a woman, I can tell you our hormones don't change that rapidly in one week after you stop taking birth control. It's not as though it's a crazy 180 in the span of 7 days that would change our feelings so much that we break up with a guy we're really into. 

She's been less-invested than you all along, man. It hurts to realize, but you have to stop assigning blame to things that are not really the reason this happened.