LaceyMcAntire Posted September 10, 2020 Posted September 10, 2020 So, my guy friend and I seem to go off and on with being fwb, and then back to friends.. usually due to him getting strong feelings, so he pulls away. Not that it's ok, but it is what it is, it's been our dynamic for a couple years now. I want more, but he is a terrible communicator, and since I know him, I try not to really push it, because my friendship with him is more important than screwing it up with being romantic. Anyway, so we had a talk the other day, we argue a bit, almost like a couple over his lack of effort/communication. Some days, he'll call me and initiate conversation, other times, he goes a couple weeks and just wont initiate conversation at all and if I call, he seems like im inconveniencing him or hes short and needs to get off the phone. Long story short, our talks usually consist of, him- I know you're better a friend to me than I am to you and im going to try harder. So, today, he calls, my receptionist grabbed the phone because I was busy and when I called him back, he said, I just wanted to say hey.. so I kind of laughed a little and said, ok, hey.. and he's like, well, I guess that's all I got, so I said, alright, well I hope you have a great day! and we hung up.. I get frustrated, because Im not sure if this is a guy thing that he legitimately cares and is just his awkward way of getting to talk to me or if he's humoring me.. so what do you guys think, in my short version? What's the point of even calling just to say what he did and not want to have a conversation? Was I good to say, ok have a great day? I mean, I am tired of the initiating, so I feel a bit more "powerful" in our dynamic right now, and no, I don't play mind games, but sometimes his lack of effort makes me feel desperate, needy, etc when I am always the one putting forth effort.
stillafool Posted September 10, 2020 Posted September 10, 2020 It seems he just called because you've been complaining and after getting you on the phone he doesn't have more to say. Why have you been FWBs with this guy for 3 years when you want a relationship and he's told you he doesn't? 5
BaileyB Posted September 10, 2020 Posted September 10, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, LaceyMcAntire said: my guy friend and I seem to go off and on with being fwb, and then back to friends.. usually due to him getting strong feelings Lacey, this is illogical. Most men won’t back away from a relationship with a woman they really like because they develop strong feelings. That makes no sense. If he really wanted to have a relationship with you, he would have a relationship with you. There would be no reason to try and understand his intentions. Read my signature. Edited September 10, 2020 by BaileyB 8
smackie9 Posted September 10, 2020 Posted September 10, 2020 (edited) Life is way too short to keep someone like this in your life. It's time to move on because you have out grown this dynamic. Girl you are missing many opportunities to date some nice stable guys, and make some good trusting friends. You two ain't it. Trust me you can have a much happier life without him....let him go. Edited September 10, 2020 by smackie9 3
Versacehottie Posted September 11, 2020 Posted September 11, 2020 oh no, well here's the thing. You keep persisting in wanting something that he definitely does not seem to want to give. Have you ever thought that one reason conversation is up and down or he calls to say virtually nothing is because the emotion he feels toward you romantically is just not there for him? I think it's the same as your other thread. You keep wanting something he is never going to give you. You say your fine with friends because you don't want to lose his friendship but you are evaluating it like a girl who wants a relationship from him. If you are really ok with being friends with him, it's more like the absence of rules or expectations--at least romantic ones or consistency of contact. Personally I don't think you can handle the FWB with him--you are getting used by him but fighting it at the same time. All the stuff you are doing is wrong for changing it into something more but like I said on your other thread, I don't think it will though. He's had a chance and he doesn't take it. The best thing to do would be to accept that. Good luck 1
ajequals Posted September 11, 2020 Posted September 11, 2020 I don't understand backing away from intimacy. Is he a stoner, smokes a lot of weed? There are a lot of men out there seeking a nice lady. Maybe his friendship isn't worth the time he waste... 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted September 11, 2020 Posted September 11, 2020 You’ve placed yourself in the Casual category, by allowing a FWB situation. He’s not going to give his best effort and attention to a FWB. 2
Dork Vader Posted September 12, 2020 Posted September 12, 2020 On 9/10/2020 at 11:31 AM, LaceyMcAntire said: So, my guy friend and I seem to go off and on with being fwb, and then back to friends.. usually due to him getting strong feelings, so he pulls away. Not that it's ok, but it is what it is, it's been our dynamic for a couple years now. I want more, but he is a terrible communicator, and since I know him, I try not to really push it, because my friendship with him is more important than screwing it up with being romantic. Anyway, so we had a talk the other day, we argue a bit, almost like a couple over his lack of effort/communication. Some days, he'll call me and initiate conversation, other times, he goes a couple weeks and just wont initiate conversation at all and if I call, he seems like im inconveniencing him or hes short and needs to get off the phone. Long story short, our talks usually consist of, him- I know you're better a friend to me than I am to you and im going to try harder. So, today, he calls, my receptionist grabbed the phone because I was busy and when I called him back, he said, I just wanted to say hey.. so I kind of laughed a little and said, ok, hey.. and he's like, well, I guess that's all I got, so I said, alright, well I hope you have a great day! and we hung up.. I get frustrated, because Im not sure if this is a guy thing that he legitimately cares and is just his awkward way of getting to talk to me or if he's humoring me.. so what do you guys think, in my short version? What's the point of even calling just to say what he did and not want to have a conversation? Was I good to say, ok have a great day? I mean, I am tired of the initiating, so I feel a bit more "powerful" in our dynamic right now, and no, I don't play mind games, but sometimes his lack of effort makes me feel desperate, needy, etc when I am always the one putting forth effort. Why don't you just talk to him? Someone has to make the first move. You did say, he pulls away because he gets strong feelings.. So what does that tell you?! What do you have to lose? A friend? Is it really a healthy friendship if you're tormented by having this secret crush on him?! Just tell him.. You'll either find out he likes you as well OR you'll have closure to this chapter and can move forward with your life. Being stuck in the twilight zone is a horrible place to be.
kendahke Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 On 9/10/2020 at 2:31 PM, LaceyMcAntire said: I am always the one putting forth effort. If your aim is to keep this relationship, then you're the one who is going to have to keep putting forth the effort--since you don't want to play games. Me? I'd stop contacting him. This: On 9/10/2020 at 2:31 PM, LaceyMcAntire said: he goes a couple weeks and just wont initiate conversation at all and if I call, he seems like im inconveniencing him or hes short and needs to get off the phone. Long story short, our talks usually consist of, him- I know you're better a friend to me than I am to you and im going to try harder. Is not how good/close friends act with one another. He knows you're putting in all the effort, but apparently, what he knows isn't enough to translate into him actually trying harder Your latest phone call being the confirmation on that tip. Yeah, I'd fade away from this to spare myself the self-inflicted frustration. 2
poppyfields Posted September 18, 2020 Posted September 18, 2020 (edited) On 9/10/2020 at 12:47 PM, BaileyB said: Lacey, this is illogical. Most men won’t back away from a relationship with a woman they really like because they develop strong feelings. That makes no sense. He might if he has commitment issues/fears/anxieties. And/or a fear of intimacy (emotionally) or getting close. My brother is a perfect example of this. He pulls away when he begins caring too much! He strives to maintain a certain distance otherwise he freaks and I mean that literally. I've seen him have a panic attack, cold sweats, unable to sleep etc when he begins liking a particular girl too much. Similar to what one might feel having claustrophobia except instead of a fear of enclosed space, it's a fear of getting too intimately and emotionally close. It's quite real. I know it defies what we've been conditioned or taught to believe or even common sense. But walk a mile in their shoes, and you might understand it better. Lacey, I wouldn't rule this possibility out. Edited September 18, 2020 by poppyfields
Redguitar35 Posted September 18, 2020 Posted September 18, 2020 (edited) On 9/10/2020 at 1:48 PM, stillafool said: It seems he just called because you've been complaining and after getting you on the phone he doesn't have more to say. Why have you been FWBs with this guy for 3 years when you want a relationship and he's told you he doesn't? I have to agree with you, this is a toxic “relationship”. He’s just stringing her along and she’s just settling for what she can get. It wouldn’t be bad if they both just wanted sex, but she’s clearly dissatisfied with this dynamic. She deserves better and should ditch this guy. Edited September 18, 2020 by Redguitar35
CaliforniaGirl Posted September 19, 2020 Posted September 19, 2020 Honestly, he doesn't seem like a friend to me. My female friends wouldn't treat me this shoddily, not bothering to call and being sort of off-and-on and all that...how is that being a friend? He literally speaks to you to get sex. Period. That is the extent of it. You're begging him for scraps and he's deigning to give you a few. When he can be bothered to. That is NOT a friend. It's just mean and selfish. So he's an F-buddy. And 100% on his terms. After you're pretty much begging. If that's good enough for you then keep calling hopefully and waiting for him to bother to get a hard-on. If he feels like it. Or...move on. 1
elaine567 Posted September 19, 2020 Posted September 19, 2020 19 hours ago, poppyfields said: My brother is a perfect example of this. He pulls away when he begins caring too much! He strives to maintain a certain distance otherwise he freaks and I mean that literally. I've seen him have a panic attack, cold sweats, unable to sleep etc when he begins liking a particular girl too much.Similar to what one might feel having claustrophobia except instead of a fear of enclosed space, it's a fear of getting too intimately and emotionally close. It's quite real. Ok but what good is he to any women who is looking for a relationship? No good whatsoever. The OP is in love with a guy who doesn't give a damn, or he is too emotionally damaged to be in a relationship. Neither is the stuff of happy ever after... He is not going to turn around and say, " Lacey you have stuck around and stuck around and I now realise you are the girl for me" - Rom com version NO, one day he is going to find a girl he does want to be in a relationship with and he will disappear in a puff of smoke... - Real life version... 2 2
d0nnivain Posted September 19, 2020 Posted September 19, 2020 Lacey What I make of this is that you taught this man it's OK to marginalize you. If he makes the slightest effort you are there for him as "friends" & when he wants sex you give that to him, no commitment required. He's using you & you are letting hoping that free access to you will turn into romantic desire on his part. It has the opposite effect. He sees that you don't value yourself because you let him get away with no effort & no commitment. Since he doesn't see you valuing yourself, he sees no reason to value you either. He has never had to earn you & because he knows that he will never give you a relationship. There is no friendship here. There is his convenience & your longing. You have to let this man go on all ways. Nothing good will come of it. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted September 19, 2020 Posted September 19, 2020 Yes, him calling you at work was him humoring you. He couldn't even make conversation with you. What kind of friend is that, let alone a FWB? Even guys I was casual with had a lot more to say than just "hey." If you're looking for a boyfriend, he is not your guy. It doesn't even matter why he's not into it, really. What matters is that he quite clearly is not offering the sort of relationship you would like and it doesn't appear he is going to. Time to cut your losses and move along. The right guy for you will reciprocate much more enthusiastically and consistently. 1
elaine567 Posted September 19, 2020 Posted September 19, 2020 On 9/10/2020 at 7:31 PM, LaceyMcAntire said: Anyway, so we had a talk the other day, we argue a bit, almost like a couple over his lack of effort/communication. Some days, he'll call me and initiate conversation, other times, he goes a couple weeks and just wont initiate conversation at all and if I call, he seems like im inconveniencing him or hes short and needs to get off the phone. Long story short, our talks usually consist of, him- I know you're better a friend to me than I am to you and im going to try harder. So, today, he calls, my receptionist grabbed the phone because I was busy and when I called him back, he said, I just wanted to say hey.. so I kind of laughed a little and said, ok, hey.. and he's like, well, I guess that's all I got This is passive aggressive and childish. "You wanted me to initiate, you wanted a phone call, so here it is...happy now?..." He probably had a little laugh about it to himself... 1 1
poppyfields Posted September 19, 2020 Posted September 19, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, elaine567 said: Ok but what good is he to any women who is looking for a relationship? No good whatsoever. I agree with you, I was simply responding to BaileyB's post saying that when men pull away, it means they don't care, which is not always the case. Not that being with someone whose anxieties are so severe, they need to distance themselves when they begin caring too much is a good thing. To the contrary, I would advise to stay away, as far as they can as that behavior is extremely hurtful! My brother has hurt A LOT of women due to his extreme avoidant or "commitmentphobe" behaviour. I have no idea what's going on with this guy, disinterest, fear, anxieties, it doesn't matter! If you're unhappy, if this "whatever it is" isn't enhancing your life, or meeting your needs, leave and look for something better and more fulfilling. Edited September 19, 2020 by poppyfields 2
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