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First two dates went really well now she texts saying she doesnt want to see eachother again

Wd0694820

By Wd0694820
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bobjon Established Member

bobjon

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Just now, Wd0694820 said:

I texted her telling her that that is also what I want as well but I also said if she doesn’t want that with me it’s cool and no hard feelings, no response as of yet- I think it’s over

As I said, her response was just an excuse.  Would not have mattered what you sent.  Don't send her anything again and forget her.  Better luck on the next, but make sure you don't roll this "vulnerable" card in there as some recommend.  You can worry about that after months of dating.  

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
7 minutes ago, Wd0694820 said:

I texted her telling her that that is also what I want as well but I also said if she doesn’t want that with me it’s cool and no hard feelings, no response as of yet- I think it’s over

Why did you have to add the underlined part?  Ugh!

You need to learn some game man, seriously, that sounded majorly insecure and defeating.

Anyway, I now agree with Weezy, let it go, move on.

Edited by poppyfields
SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted (edited)
37 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Why did you have to add the underlined part?  Ugh!

You need to learn some game man, seriously, that sounded majorly insecure and defeating.

Anyway, I now agree with Weezy, let it go, move on.

Have to disagree, don't consider it insecure or defeating to say "if you don't want that with me it's cool and no hard feelings."  Not in the slightest and in fact, if he means it and acts in accord with this it is a very secure, mature and a centered approach..and it works wonders, i.e., can very well salvages thing.  Been told several times me saying that is what changed her mind.  

Frankly to me just saying "I want that to"  comes off as more whiny/needy and saying what she wants to hear.   

In my experience there is never anything wrong in letting her no you are OK with no and she should have no fear to say no.  You do have to be OK with no though, and leave the communication at that. 

Edited by SumGuy
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
52 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Have to disagree, don't consider it insecure or defeating to say "if you don't want that with me it's cool and no hard feelings."  Not in the slightest and in fact, if he means it and acts in accord with this it is a very secure, mature and a centered approach..and it works wonders, i.e., can very well salvages thing.  Been told several times me saying that is what changed her mind.  

Frankly to me just saying "I want that to"  comes off as more whiny/needy and saying what she wants to hear.   

In my experience there is never anything wrong in letting her no you are OK with no and she should have no fear to say no.  You do have to be OK with no though, and leave the communication at that. 

Fair enough but speaking for myself as a woman, I prefer a man be bolder and more confident.

So confident it would never occur to him that I didnt want "that" with him!

It comes from a different place, a bolder, more confident place. 

I don't know, to me it's like why mention it?  What's the purpose?  To let her know if she doesn't like him, he won't go psycho on her, lol, of course he'll be cool with it.  That's a given, no need to mention 

Or it almost sounds like HE is seeking reassurance hoping she will reply saying "yes I DO want that with you."

There are so many ways to interpret by why not just say "hey, what makes you think I don't want that?   I like you, I'd like to date you!"  Spoken with confidence and purpose. .

If she ignores, then let it be.  

Jmo, but as a woman who has had men say things like that, it sounded weak to me.

But we can agree to disagre, I'm cool with that.  :)

 

Edited by poppyfields
bobjon Established Member

bobjon

Posted
Posted

Agree with poppyfields but you guys are seriously going to give him a complex thinking this is a dud because he "said it wrong".  That girl was GONE regardless!  At least now he threw a reply and the rest is down the drain.  

As I have also said, this whole "I really want a girl friend" is at the core of the behavior.  Plan ever single meeting like you are not going to talk again, and not going to hook up.  

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
19 minutes ago, bobjon said:

Agree with poppyfields but you guys are seriously going to give him a complex thinking this is a dud because he "said it wrong".  

That's how we learn though, by making mistakes and learning from those mistakes for next time. 

A bold supremely confident man can turn things around, I've had it happen to me.

It was after I rejected a man and proposed we be "friends."  

And the way he handled that rejection by boldly and confidently stating with no anger or bitterness that he had no interest in a "friendship," he had enough friends, he liked me and wanted to date me!  

Something changed for me after that so next day, I called, asked him out and we dated for several months.  :D

Edited by poppyfields
bobjon Established Member

bobjon

Posted
Posted (edited)
Just now, poppyfields said:

That's how we learn though, by making mistakes and learning from those mistakes for next time. 

A bold supremely confident man can turn things around, I've had it happen to me.

It was after I rejected a man and proposed we be "friends."  

And the way he handled that rejrction by boldly and confidently stating with no anger or bitterness that he had no interest in a "friendship," he had enough friends, and that he liked me and wanted to date me!  

Something changed for me after that so next day, I called, asked him out and we dated for several months.  :D

Well played!!  However, I will admit that I made a critical error when I used such tactics in the past.  My ex of 3.5yrs.  She came on to me and HARD.  Then days later told me she was "talking to someone" and just not sure what to do and may want to see how that deal works out.  I told her I don't play that, and not to worry about it because I will never be someone's plan B.  That hooked her BUT, I later learned she was seeing the guy for months before ending it for me, and she is a relationship hopper.  She CANNOT be alone!  Any woman that is trying to find a replacement before getting rid of the trash IS trash.  

I now role with a way more laid back approach.  Women cannot tell if I am interested or not......probably because I don't even know.... Not really even a tactic, just don't care.  

Edited by bobjon
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, bobjon said:

I now role with a way more laid back approach.  Women cannot tell if I am interested or not......probably because I don't even know.... Not really even a tactic, just don't care.  

And this works well for you?  Not a snark, promise, I'd seriously like to know!  

I've never gone for the aloof types myself, but I know women who do. 

Whatever works and makes you happy gets no judgment from me.  

bobjon Established Member

bobjon

Posted
Posted
Just now, poppyfields said:

And this works well for you?  Not a snark, promise, I'd seriously like to know!  

I've never gone for the aloof types myself, but I know women who do. 

Whatever works and makes you happy gets no judgment from me.  

I haven't met anyone that I would care to "go after" in years.  Yes, the "aloof" thing seems to work, probably because I am not faking it.  That and guys typically are WAY over the top in the "chase".  You must be a woman that likes being chased, and many do.  Some just act relieved when I don't beg for a phone number.  I could explain more but you probably get the idea.  No, it is NOT really a tactic to meet women, I just meet them as life passes by.  

Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted
30 minutes ago, bobjon said:

I now role with a way more laid back approach.  Women cannot tell if I am interested or not......probably because I don't even know.... Not really even a tactic, just don't care.  

Or, perhaps your ex-girlfriend's past behavior is the reason you "just don't care"?

It happens.

I interpret the words "she is looking to date someone properly and not just for sex" as her wanting something more concrete than just going over to someone's house and having sex.

 

 

 

 

 

 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
55 minutes ago, bobjon said:

I haven't met anyone that I would care to "go after" in years.  Yes, the "aloof" thing seems to work, probably because I am not faking it.  That and guys typically are WAY over the top in the "chase".  You must be a woman that likes being chased, and many do.  Some just act relieved when I don't beg for a phone number.  I could explain more but you probably get the idea.  No, it is NOT really a tactic to meet women, I just meet them as life passes by.  

No I don't necessarily like being "chased" but I do like men to be bold and take initiative in very early stages. After that it's more reciprocal - we chase each other!  :eek:

Or pursue each other, I don't like the word chased. 

Agree. Many guys are over the top, one guy proposed marriage on first date, I kid you not!  He proposed we hop a flight to Vegas! 

I mean I liked him and we were clicking but that was a bit much.  🤣

 

bobjon Established Member

bobjon

Posted
Posted
Just now, Alpaca said:

 

I interpret the words "she is looking to date someone properly and not just for sex" as her wanting something more concrete than just going over to someone's house and having sex.

And I don't buy one word that girl said!!!  She is FOS but people want to dice up what she "said".  She was making an excuse to get out!!!  We will never know why.  Next.....

bobjon Established Member

bobjon

Posted
Posted
Just now, poppyfields said:

 

Agree. Many guys are over the top, one guy proposed marriage on first date, I kid you not!  He proposed we hop a flight to Vegas! 

I mean I liked him and we were clicking but that was a bit much.  🤣

 

See, this is why I won't approach women......they are on the defense at the first word....and for good reason.  

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, bobjon said:

And I don't buy one word that girl said!!!  She is FOS but people want to dice up what she "said".  She was making an excuse to get out!!!  We will never know why.  Next.....

Well, if you're right, massive IF because none of us are mind readers, lol she needs to come up with something better than that because most men would NOT be deterred by that one bit!

Most men would continue to pounce, even women telling them they're not the right "fit" or not enough chemistry doesn't work, as many men will ask why and proceed to try to talk you out of it!!  I can't even count the number of times that has happened to me.

Which is why women have learned to use the ole back with my ex routine, that one seems to work pretty well for the most part.  🤣

The OP is unusual imo as he let it go but unless she learns to be more forthcoming, assertive and less ambiguous (and yes it was ambiguous as evidenced by how everyone is interpreting what she said differently) she's going to have a hard time getting rid of men she's not interested in.

Edited by poppyfields
Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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4 hours ago, Wd0694820 said:

I texted her telling her that that is also what I want as well but I also said if she doesn’t want that with me it’s cool and no hard feelings, no response as of yet- I think it’s over

I agree: this here is terrible and extremely confusing. It's talking out of two sides of the mouth.  And it's fake and unnecessary. You don't wanna tell someone, "hey I really like you, but if you don't like me, no hard feelings." Why? Because it's assumed that as a mature individual you aren't going to stalk her for not having an interest in you. It's OK to have  feelings of disappointment. That's fine. Hard feelings do not mean abusive language or nastiness. 

And worse, these words--"no hard feelings"--basically say, "I don't really like you." If you have no disappointment over another's lack of interest, then you didn't really like them in the first place.  Either say you're interested or not. Take a stand and express what you want. If you get a no, you can say, "I'm disappointed." That's what mature emotionally confident human beings do. 

You don't reassure the person pulling away from you that you have "no hard feelings"--whatever that means. Is disappointment a hard feeling? 

And lose the "if she doesn't want to be with me, it's cool." What does that mean? I presume that she thinks you'll survive her disinterest. The "i'm cool" thing is so fake--it's like junior high school where you are so scared in approaching that cute girl in the lunchroom that you build these soft landings for yourself "It's cool." This language is completely out of place for adults. Ask for what you want. Express your honest feelings. You can express disappointment in a sentence. "I'm sorry to get your message." She has her feelings--stay outta her head.

Quit taking care of her. Advocate for you. You get your answer, and you move on. It's understood you aren't going to jump out the window based on another person's disinterest. That's understood. 

Bottom line is the "i'm cool" thing is itself a red flag to the other person. 

 

 

 

 

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CLS63AMG Established Member

CLS63AMG

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Posted
On 9/9/2020 at 5:21 PM, Wd0694820 said:

So i met this girl recently on tinder.  We went on two dates so far, the first one we went to a park, had a picnic together, drank wine and kissed a lot, we had a great time and said wed see eachother again.  Second date she came over to my place and we watched and film and had sex afterwards, sex seemed like it went really well and she enjoyed and, both dates seemed really good and i was looking forward to seeing her again.  After our date she even sent some messages saying she was looking forward to next time etc.  Fast forward today and she has sent me a message saying she has decided she doesnt want to meet up again and in her words she is looking to date someone properly and not just for sex (I thought we were dating!).  I know we had sex quite early on but in the past i have messed things up with girls because i would be too affectionatie to them too early on because i really wanted a gf so with this girl i tried to play it cool and i figured if we had sex first she could then push for commitment afterwards.  Also when were together surely she can tell i really like her becuase im quite affectionaite towards her and we laugh a lot and i really enjoy her company, I definetly dont think of it as just sex but im just cautious of pushing for romance and commitment from a girl too early on as in the past this has messed up oppurtunities for me.

My gut feeling is that she has started talking to someone else who she prefers over me and wants to date them instead, either that or she has just compleltey lost interest in me for some unknown reason, but I suppose there is a chance she is being truthful and maybe she doesnt realise that i like her in that way.   I could send her a message telling her thats also what i want but then i feel like she has so much power over me and that will just kill her attraction to me.    What would you do in my situation?

Sounds like you got rebounded - probably back with her ex

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
31 minutes ago, CLS63AMG said:

Sounds like you got rebounded - probably back with her ex

Why not just say that then?  Versus her ever-so-ambiguous "not looking for just sex and want to date 'properly'"?  

I've never heard of a woman using that line to dump a guy, it reads like she's seeking reassurance that HE wants more than sex as well.

They both suck at communicating imo, they are both too afraid to step up and assertively and confidently declare what they want!  

Mixed signals, mixed messages, miscommunication, that's my sense of what is happening here, sadly.

 

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CLS63AMG Established Member

CLS63AMG

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Posted
7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Why not just say that then?  Versus her ever-so-ambiguous "not looking for just sex and want to date 'properly'"?  

I've never heard of a woman using that line to dump a guy, it reads like she's seeking reassurance that HE wants more than sex as well.

They both suck at communicating imo, they are both too afraid to step up and assertively and confidently declare what they want!  

Mixed signals, mixed messages, miscommunication, that's my sense of what is happening here, sadly.

 

Rebounders never make sense, they are the ultimate time wasters, flaky, move quickly, PDA right away, sex right away, then GONE - never to be seen or heard from again.

SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted (edited)
22 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Fair enough but speaking for myself as a woman, I prefer a man be bolder and more confident.

So confident it would never occur to him that I didnt want "that" with him!

:) Fair enough, not sure what "that: is, i think he is saying he wants "that" too to correct the misinterpretation.

 

Quote

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I don't know, to me it's like why mention it?  What's the purpose?  To let her know if she doesn't like him, he won't go psycho on her, lol, of course he'll be cool with it.  That's a given, no need to mention 

Good point, probably to clear up things if this is a true confusion on her part on what he wants...just in case it is not an excuse.    It's good  you have the view he wouldn't go psycho on her, every women I've met through OLD though has at least one story to tell about the guy who went psycho on them for the littlest thing....which led them to basically ghost instead of reply to any message after they said "no" or expressed doubts. 

It seems men who don;t take no for an answer are common in the OLD world, sometimes it is not even anger just a bunch of how wrong the woman is, she'll regret it, blah, blah, blah.

 

Or it almost sounds like HE is seeking reassurance hoping she will reply saying "yes I DO want that with you."

There are so many ways to interpret by why not just say "hey, what makes you think I don't want that?   I like you, I'd like to date you!"  Spoken with confidence and purpose. .

Interesting, I find those to me more passive, putting someone on the spot.   The women I've met never liked when a guy came off asking them to explain why they came to a conclusion, as it in inevitably leads to them explaining how they thought wrong.  I'm much more one to be direct about my intentions.   I really don't need to hear her reasons for no, they are what they are not for me to judge or change.

 

If she ignores, then let it be.  

Jmo, but as a woman who has had men say things like that, it sounded weak to me.

Exactly on the first, the hard part is to let it be.  The problem is few men can.  They need to follow up. 

I let it be because for me it does come from confidence.  I put it out their what I want, give them an out if they may not want that with me and let them know no hard feelings.  Simply so they can be honest if they want, it really is no thing to me and I certainly won't be waiting by the phone or for a text.  I will likely give someone a day before I get set up a date with someone else.

I've really no time to play games to come across one way or the other, I'm honest, I'm me and  it seems to work at least for the women I am after.   And the later part is the key for us all.  Does it work for who we are after?  That is really all that matters.

 

But we can agree to disagre, I'm cool with that. 

:) 

Me too.  I know I'm not the cup of tea for many women, but luckily I seem to be for the ones I am after, and some I ma not...but on the last never know until you date for a while.

Caveat: this all prior OLD experience, I feel like I've hit the OLD lottery with my girlfriend. 

 

Edited by SumGuy
Tried to fix the quoting, no luck
CaliforniaGirl Established Member

CaliforniaGirl

Posted
Posted
On 9/10/2020 at 2:34 PM, SumGuy said:

Have to disagree, don't consider it insecure or defeating to say "if you don't want that with me it's cool and no hard feelings."  Not in the slightest and in fact, if he means it and acts in accord with this it is a very secure, mature and a centered approach..and it works wonders, i.e., can very well salvages thing.  Been told several times me saying that is what changed her mind.  

Frankly to me just saying "I want that to"  comes off as more whiny/needy and saying what she wants to hear.   

In my experience there is never anything wrong in letting her no you are OK with no and she should have no fear to say no.  You do have to be OK with no though, and leave the communication at that. 

This. Why is everybody so afraid of just asking this stuff? Then they complain about how millennial dating just never results in a date. Or never goes anywhere. Yeah. Because everybody's playing an asinine game of "I won't ask! That will give away that I like him/her." DUH.

 Ask. It's yes or it's no.

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Wd0694820 Member

Wd0694820

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Okay so after a week today she just messaged me saying she’s sorry and she was in a bad mood the day she messaged me that and that she no does want to see me again and go for a drink together -  what should I respond to this now?

Datingdisabled Established Member

Datingdisabled

Posted
Posted
7 minutes ago, Wd0694820 said:

Okay so after a week today she just messaged me saying she’s sorry and she was in a bad mood the day she messaged me that and that she no does want to see me again and go for a drink together -  what should I respond to this now?

You don't respond. Accept that she doesn't want to see you again and let it be. You can kindly respond and say thanks for letting me know but typically when someone doesn't want to see you again, they don't want to hear from you again either. 

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Wd0694820 Member

Wd0694820

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Posted
21 minutes ago, Wd0694820 said:

Okay so after a week today she just messaged me saying she’s sorry and she was in a bad mood the day she messaged me that and that she no does want to see me again and go for a drink together -  what should I respond to this now?

 

13 minutes ago, Datingdisabled said:

You don't respond. Accept that she doesn't want to see you again and let it be. You can kindly respond and say thanks for letting me know but typically when someone doesn't want to see you again, they don't want to hear from you again either. 

I typoed

 

she messaged me today saying she DOES want to see me now 

Datingdisabled Established Member

Datingdisabled

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, Wd0694820 said:

 

I typoed

 

she messaged me today saying she DOES want to see me now 

Oh, well, I don't know what you want advice for. If you want to go, go, if you don't, don't. 

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