First two dates went really well now she texts saying she doesnt want to see eachother again

[Wd0694820]

So i met this girl recently on tinder.  We went on two dates so far, the first one we went to a park, had a picnic together, drank wine and kissed a lot, we had a great time and said wed see eachother again.  Second date she came over to my place and we watched and film and had sex afterwards, sex seemed like it went really well and she enjoyed and, both dates seemed really good and i was looking forward to seeing her again.  After our date she even sent some messages saying she was looking forward to next time etc.  Fast forward today and she has sent me a message saying she has decided she doesnt want to meet up again and in her words she is looking to date someone properly and not just for sex (I thought we were dating!).  I know we had sex quite early on but in the past i have messed things up with girls because i would be too affectionatie to them too early on because i really wanted a gf so with this girl i tried to play it cool and i figured if we had sex first she could then push for commitment afterwards.  Also when were together surely she can tell i really like her becuase im quite affectionaite towards her and we laugh a lot and i really enjoy her company, I definetly dont think of it as just sex but im just cautious of pushing for romance and commitment from a girl too early on as in the past this has messed up oppurtunities for me.

My gut feeling is that she has started talking to someone else who she prefers over me and wants to date them instead, either that or she has just compleltey lost interest in me for some unknown reason, but I suppose there is a chance she is being truthful and maybe she doesnt realise that i like her in that way.   I could send her a message telling her thats also what i want but then i feel like she has so much power over me and that will just kill her attraction to me.    What would you do in my situation?

[ccas93]

welcome to dating in 2020.

Yes tell her you want the same thing. And see what excuse she gives you then

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Wd0694820 said:

  Second date she came over to my place and we watched and film and had sex afterwards

she has decided she doesnt want to meet up again and in her words she is looking to date someone properly and not just for sex

Well she can't really unring that bell. it sounds like her own confusion.  People multi date so unfortunately this flaking is common.

[Wd0694820]

4 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

welcome to dating in 2020.

Yes tell her you want the same thing. And see what excuse she gives you then

I mean if she doesnt want to she me anymore i dont wanna come across as butthurt or annoyed but i am kinda sad because i feel like its taken me a long time to find a girl i reallly liked and seemed to like back.  Everything seemed to be going really well and then all of sudden out of no where she doesnt want to see eahcother again!

[Maldives]

Best thing rather than guessing be brave and just tell her it wasn't about sex if she still makes excuses then at least you know where you stand

[Ruby Slippers]

Were you pushy about getting her into bed? Did you send her off or invite her to spend the night after sex?

[Wd0694820]

17 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Were you pushy about getting her into bed? Did you send her off or invite her to spend the night after sex?

not at all, she was welcome to spend the night but choose to leave because she lives with her mum still and didnt want her to know what she was up to.  She texted the morning afterwards saying she had fun and she was looking forward to next time

[Ruby Slippers]

Then I agree: tell her where you stand. 

[kismetkismet]

You should tell her how you feel.  Maybe you played it a little bit TOO cool in an attempt not to come on too strong. If she gives another excuse, then throw in the towel. But she may have just gotten the wrong idea. 

[Wd0694820]

5 minutes ago, kismetkismet said:

You should tell her how you feel.  Maybe you played it a little bit TOO cool in an attempt not to come on too strong. If she gives another excuse, then throw in the towel. But she may have just gotten the wrong idea. 

I mean I hope this could be right but my gut feeling is she has just lost interest for some unknown reason, probably talking to someone else she prefers to me.  I feel like I may be coming across as needy and like begging for her to meet me again, and even if we do meet it could have killed the vibe between us.   It’s frustrating for me I feel like I’m putting so much effort into trying to get a girlfriend and I’m stil falling short

[bobjon]

DUDE......You did nothing wrong!  The girl flipped on ya, that is it!  

Sure, you can try all the tactics listed above, but she will just throw another excuse.  

My opinion is you are young and saying "I really want a girlfriend" even to yourself is likely at the core of your fail.  If you act like a child in a pet store, they run from that, and they can sense it!  She might have just wanted to try out your dick, and move to the next.  

Personally, I would tell her to f*** off, but if you want to try, let me just act like I care and give you a coach line.  "I understand.  I really was not as worried about the sex part as I was about getting to know you.  On the off chance that is just a way of saying you are no longer interested, you could just say that"  

Understand what I did here!  Made it clear sex is not a biggy right now, but this is PAST tense!  Act like it is over, do NOT beg, EVER!!!!!!  I also dropped a more alpha line at the end because she needs to know you smell a wimp that cannot be honest.  Don't be surprised if you don't hear a word back, but I suspect you will get something, just not what you want to hear.  

Edited September 9, 2020 by bobjon

[Dork Vader]

3 hours ago, Wd0694820 said:

So i met this girl recently on tinder.  We went on two dates so far, the first one we went to a park, had a picnic together, drank wine and kissed a lot, we had a great time and said wed see eachother again.  Second date she came over to my place and we watched and film and had sex afterwards, sex seemed like it went really well and she enjoyed and, both dates seemed really good and i was looking forward to seeing her again.  After our date she even sent some messages saying she was looking forward to next time etc.  Fast forward today and she has sent me a message saying she has decided she doesnt want to meet up again and in her words she is looking to date someone properly and not just for sex (I thought we were dating!).  I know we had sex quite early on but in the past i have messed things up with girls because i would be too affectionatie to them too early on because i really wanted a gf so with this girl i tried to play it cool and i figured if we had sex first she could then push for commitment afterwards.  Also when were together surely she can tell i really like her becuase im quite affectionaite towards her and we laugh a lot and i really enjoy her company, I definetly dont think of it as just sex but im just cautious of pushing for romance and commitment from a girl too early on as in the past this has messed up oppurtunities for me.

My gut feeling is that she has started talking to someone else who she prefers over me and wants to date them instead, either that or she has just compleltey lost interest in me for some unknown reason, but I suppose there is a chance she is being truthful and maybe she doesnt realise that i like her in that way.   I could send her a message telling her thats also what i want but then i feel like she has so much power over me and that will just kill her attraction to me.    What would you do in my situation?

I think you should just tell her you were not in it for sex. All we can do is speculate as to why she's thrown in the towel and that will do no good for you. Especially if she was truly interested. Now when you tell her you don't want to come off as "I love you blah blah blah" you want to be casual about it and keep it simple. It would have been much easier to do that during the actual conversation because now you sort of have to backtrack to put that out there. She might still not be interested. How ever don't let the fear of her saying that discourage you. You're not losing anything by telling her you were interested in more. But you're potentially losing everything but not letting her know. Honestly what's the worst that can happen? She decline again? So what, it's dust on your shoulder.. She's just not the one for you big deal.. But the best? You get another date and continue to get to know her.

From this point forward with your dating life, don't let your fear or insecurities of loss impact your decisions to voice how you feel. You want to be confident with everything you do. Confidence is by far the most attractive thing a person can have. Now don't confuse confidence with cockiness or arrogance, those are actually rooted in insecurity and lack of self confidence. 

Edited September 10, 2020 by Dork Vader

[Lotsgoingon]

I mean, if you really like her, you could say "Hey, I got your message. I understand you're looking for something serious. I just wanna tell you that I really like you in a serious way. I'm not trying to manipulate you or anything but I wanted to just be clear about what I'm feeling."

Having said all that, my gut says she actually considered you quite seriously and just something about you didn't feel comfortable for her going long term. This is not an insult to you. So easy to jump to feeling this is a putdown, but look, sometimes people are uncomfortable with other people who are really smart or really funny or really vulnerable and open and on and on. 

Sometimes, though, it really is best to advocate for ourselves if that makes us feel better. So if you're feeling dismissed and misunderstood, and you think a call will help, then call. Focus on saying what will make you feel better (not in a petty way). There is nothing cowardly or weak about being straight up and telling someone, "hey, I really like you and thought we were having a great time." You show your confidence by acting on your feelings--by expressing your confusion. Being open in this way is very cool and very strong. You're not saying, "I can't live without you" or "my life is hopeless about you." You're saying, "I really like you and I'm a bit confused. Felt like things were going well between us."

Another reason it can be good to make this call is that you'll likely get some more info out of her. Even if she's evasive and throws a bunch of b.s. your way, even that is relevant information that might make it clear to you that this person is quite different from what you thought and really thinks so differently from the way you think that there's no way you would make good long-term partners.

Anyway, good luck. The most disorienting moments in dating are when we go out with someone and have a blast of a time ... or start dating someone and feel that it's wonderful ... only to get a call or a text from the other person saying they want out. Totally disorienting, but part of the romance game. When this has happened to me, I reminded myself that there were people who I could have a fabulous time or two with ... and give off the impression that I really want to be with them long term ... when in fact, I don't think of them as long-term compatible with me. 

[Dork Vader]

1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I mean, if you really like her, you could say "Hey, I got your message. I understand you're looking for something serious. I just wanna tell you that I really like you in a serious way. I'm not trying to manipulate you or anything but I wanted to just be clear about what I'm feeling."

Having said all that, my gut says she actually considered you quite seriously and just something about you didn't feel comfortable for her going long term. This is not an insult to you. So easy to jump to feeling this is a putdown, but look, sometimes people are uncomfortable with other people who are really smart or really funny or really vulnerable and open and on and on. 

Sometimes, though, it really is best to advocate for ourselves if that makes us feel better. So if you're feeling dismissed and misunderstood, and you think a call will help, then call. Focus on saying what will make you feel better (not in a petty way). There is nothing cowardly or weak about being straight up and telling someone, "hey, I really like you and thought we were having a great time." You show your confidence by acting on your feelings--by expressing your confusion. Being open in this way is very cool and very strong. You're not saying, "I can't live without you" or "my life is hopeless about you." You're saying, "I really like you and I'm a bit confused. Felt like things were going well between us."

Another reason it can be good to make this call is that you'll likely get some more info out of her. Even if she's evasive and throws a bunch of b.s. your way, even that is relevant information that might make it clear to you that this person is quite different from what you thought and really thinks so differently from the way you think that there's no way you would make good long-term partners.

Anyway, good luck. The most disorienting moments in dating are when we go out with someone and have a blast of a time ... or start dating someone and feel that it's wonderful ... only to get a call or a text from the other person saying they want out. Totally disorienting, but part of the romance game. When this has happened to me, I reminded myself that there were people who I could have a fabulous time or two with ... and give off the impression that I really want to be with them long term ... when in fact, I don't think of them as long-term compatible with me. 

Trying to decide if that's to much.. It's hard to gauge a response because we don't know the exact conversation. Plus what ever the OP says should be done in his own words.  We won't always be there to write responses for him. He doesn't want to over do it with the "I'm interested in more then sex." or he might come off like a Klingon.. The flip side he wants to sound genuine and the best way for him to do that is say it in his own way.

[Datingdisabled]

I would go and say your gut is typically right. 

[FudgeSwirl]

When a relationship isn't exclusive, which is of course normal this early on, it's tricky because even when things seem to be going well sometimes seeing other people causes these abrupt ends to dates for one or more parties.  Another possibility, though, is a combination of two things - her own confusion regarding what she wants and your unintended message that this was a relationship only based on sex.  I agree with everybody in shooting her a message expressing your true intentions and how you feel because the worst she can do is either ignore it or repeat that she doesn't wish to further pursue a relationship with you.

When it comes to dating just be you.  If you're the type to be affectionate, be that but if you're not don't push it.  Just like there are some girls who love affection, there are some that like it minimally and you should only date the ones that fit with your preference.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Nothing wrong or clingy about telling someone that you really enjoyed time with them and that you actually like them--a lot. 

Nothing clingy in the slightest. The most confident people I know are the folks who aren't afraid of "rejection." These folks now they can survive and will survive someone else's lack of interest. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

6 hours ago, kismetkismet said:

You should tell her how you feel.  Maybe you played it a little bit TOO cool in an attempt not to come on too strong. If she gives another excuse, then throw in the towel. But she may have just gotten the wrong idea. 

This. I mean...just tell her. Tiptoeing around it won't get you anywhere and Option C is to lose out without having tried. What do you have to lose?

[Pumaza]

Did you start kissong her or asked for sex first? She may feel like this sex part went to fast. She may have felt presure to have sex also,maybe by being at your house and the set up of the date.

If you are looking for something serious , you need to show it by getting to know the person first.Sex shouldnt be the topic ,sure not at second date.

It should be more about who you guys are, what do you like and dont etc.

Send her once a text about what you want and why,But if she dont answer let it go,move on.

And best is to not have dates at home,but at open places. And places where you guys can do stuff toghater and get to know eachother.

 

[Azincourt]

Remember how in our grandparents time, couples would meet at the age of 18 and sometimes younger, get married and then stay together for 60+  years?

That's because our grandparents were born in villages with 50 people living in them, and only 5 to 10 of those were single, so the choice wasn't much to pick from, and people were motivated to stay together, or they'd spend the rest of their lives alone.

These days, I'm in Europe texting Brazilian women, or I'm in California, and I'm texting Italian women. That's how far we've gone. We're all connected around the world, meaning that no matter how well your dates have gone, your date could've gotten a call from a former boyfriend she still has feelings for, or she's been interested in this one guy for months, but he was in a relationship up until now, which motivated her to go on with her life, but now the dude's single, he's showing interest in her, and she's putting you on the back burner in case something might come up with this fella instead.

It has happened to me hundreds, thousands of times. That's why I'm always talking to five to ten women at the same time, sometimes even twenty, or thirty women, because I know no matter how much this woman might seem to be into me, she might not be into me at all, and it's better to keep your own back-ups in case you get rejected, ignored, dumped, or ghosted.

Don't lose heart. It's a number's game. There have been nights I've been rejected by 100, 200 women in a row in one single night, and there have been nights the very first woman I've asked the number for, goes out on a date with me etc etc.

[Redhead14]

Two dates means she's obligated to continue seeing you???  C'mon.  Dating for a relationship is a process, not an event.  Your perception of how well things went is your perception no matter what she may or may not have said.  The evidence is that she didn't have the same experience or at least not the experience that would have made her decide to keep seeing you.  What should you do?  Say thank you for a nice couple of dates and wish her well. 

[amerikajin]

17 hours ago, Wd0694820 said:

So i met this girl recently on tinder.  We went on two dates so far, the first one we went to a park, had a picnic together, drank wine and kissed a lot, we had a great time and said wed see eachother again.  Second date she came over to my place and we watched and film and had sex afterwards, sex seemed like it went really well and she enjoyed and, both dates seemed really good and i was looking forward to seeing her again.  After our date she even sent some messages saying she was looking forward to next time etc.  Fast forward today and she has sent me a message saying she has decided she doesnt want to meet up again and in her words she is looking to date someone properly and not just for sex (I thought we were dating!).  I know we had sex quite early on but in the past i have messed things up with girls because i would be too affectionatie to them too early on because i really wanted a gf so with this girl i tried to play it cool and i figured if we had sex first she could then push for commitment afterwards.  Also when were together surely she can tell i really like her becuase im quite affectionaite towards her and we laugh a lot and i really enjoy her company, I definetly dont think of it as just sex but im just cautious of pushing for romance and commitment from a girl too early on as in the past this has messed up oppurtunities for me.

My gut feeling is that she has started talking to someone else who she prefers over me and wants to date them instead, either that or she has just compleltey lost interest in me for some unknown reason, but I suppose there is a chance she is being truthful and maybe she doesnt realise that i like her in that way.   I could send her a message telling her thats also what i want but then i feel like she has so much power over me and that will just kill her attraction to me.    What would you do in my situation?

There's really not much to analyze. She's gotten about as much as she wants out of the relationship and she's moving on, though I must say it feels so weird that it's a chick doing this to a guy when it's so often been the reverse, lol. But welcome to the age of Tinder and total sexual liberation. Sorry, not trying to make light of the situation (it actually happened to me once, too, when I was single).

Look on the bright side: at least you got some pussy out of it.

[Azincourt]

Geez, that's a bit vulgar don't you think. 

At least blank it out with at least you got some netflix and chill.

Besides, there's nothing in the post that gives me the idea she was any good, so wasted time, and risked his life(covid-19)for mediocre sex. That's not what I call a good tinder experience.

[CaliforniaGirl]

53 minutes ago, amerikajin said:

There's really not much to analyze. She's gotten about as much as she wants out of the relationship and she's moving on, though I must say it feels so weird that it's a chick doing this to a guy when it's so often been the reverse, lol. But welcome to the age of Tinder and total sexual liberation. Sorry, not trying to make light of the situation (it actually happened to me once, too, when I was single).

Look on the bright side: at least you got some pussy out of it.

That's not all the OP wants.

[amerikajin]

11 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

That's not all the OP wants.

Right, but my point is, what's done is likely done. People don't usually establish a meaningful relationship after jumping in the sack with each other; it's usually the opposite - people establish the relationship firsts and then get more intimate later. There are probably some exceptions, but they're not the norm.