Is it common for guys to ditch a first date based on another great first date?

[smackie9]

red flags everywhere...zowie don't get caught up in their bs. Don't ever think when a guy gives you a lot of attention that is a good thing. It may set your heart a flutter but...it's a warning to run for the hills. Has weirdo written all over it.

[Azincourt]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

red flags everywhere...zowie don't get caught up in their bs. Don't ever think when a guy gives you a lot of attention that is a good thing. It may set your heart a flutter but...it's a warning to run for the hills. Has weirdo written all over it.

Sometimes we give an individual woman a lot of attention because we've been a long time without sex, and we figure we'll pop up our chances of getting sex if we go all-in with the compliments, the attention, and the romance. Not gonna lie, when we're thirsty, we come up with a lot of BS if we feel that'll make us lucky.

[smackie9]

6 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

Sometimes we give an individual woman a lot of attention because we've been a long time without sex, and we figure we'll pop up our chances of getting sex if we go all-in with the compliments, the attention, and the romance. Not gonna lie, when we're thirsty, we come up with a lot of BS if we feel that'll make us lucky.

And this is why I warn women, men will do and say anything to get sex, so don't believe their bs for a second.

[amerikajin]

Good God, online dating is becoming brutal. That message reads like it's a message from an HR division.

"Dear Miss,

Thank you for your application to be a member of my harem. I appreciate your interest in me. As you can imagine, I've had a lot of highly qualified applicants, and unfortunately, I have decided to select one of these other applicants at this time.

However, please be on the look out for another opportunity to do me in the future.

Good luck your mate search.

Warmest Regards,

Narcissistic Ass"

[Azincourt]

LMAO not gonna lie, that made me laugh out loud .

Yeah, sounds like the dude's writing his letter to santa claus, it's not even about bragging, he's just completely clueless and doesn't understand why someone wouldn't like to be treated like second fiddle.

[CaliforniaGirl]

19 hours ago, babybrowns said:

That’s a good point- although his voice messages were very up-close and personal, detailing every part of his day, they lacked something- nothing to do with me. One of the days, I told him I gave a presentation at work that went well, he didn’t even comment on it, just a monologue about what he did that day. Like all of his voice messages- monologues for a personal diary.

My messages to him would be commenting positively on the things he told me and expressing interest in the things he was talking about, and then adding one or two things of my own. Contrary to this, his voice messages to me would be very disconnected from me and just ‘in his own world’ , as if I were a soundboard to offload onto.

I didn’t reply to his cancellation text. I didn’t block him incase he does get in touch again, but it really doesn’t sound as appealing if he were to now 

I feel like he's just trying to grab anybody and put her into the correct position as a girlfriend. Just the way you describe things. Anyway, he found somone he could more easily do that with. Or...(I know this stings a little) he may just not have been into it like he thought, and made up the other woman as an excuse. At least you knew in the beginning. He may have seemed great but you're not losing anything because he isn't *actually* that great person. That was a script - obviously - not heartfelt feelings about you, or about any woman, really.

[CaliforniaGirl]

28 minutes ago, amerikajin said:

Good God, online dating is becoming brutal. That message reads like it's a message from an HR division.

"Dear Miss,

Thank you for your application to be a member of my harem. I appreciate your interest in me. As you can imagine, I've had a lot of highly qualified applicants, and unfortunately, I have decided to select one of these other applicants at this time.

However, please be on the look out for another opportunity to do me in the future.

Good luck your mate search.

Warmest Regards,

Narcissistic Ass"

[babybrowns]

6 hours ago, Azincourt said:

LMAO sounds like the guy's got that kind of personality where he gets emotionally attached HARD to the first woman who gives him attention, and he's using you as his personal facebok journal, I don't know what's up with that.

This guy is a waste of time. He's just wasting your time and that other woman's time, as what he seems to be looking for is validation and attention, really who texts a potential girlfriend to tell her about how great of a date he had with another woman?

Sounds like he has a neurological condition, and dudes with aspergers or autism are hard to date. Go meet other men. This one is a dud.

Well, that depends on the guy and on what he's looking for. If a guy is really into a woman he's not going to drop all prospects to be with someone else.  Even if she's more attractive, has more money etc etc, he'll stick with his heart's choice, but if t he guy is just kicking a ball around, and isn't interested in anything serious - yeah, he's gonna drop all of his prospects for the one woman he's dying to sleep with.

 

6 hours ago, Azincourt said:

Yeah, OP.  What's up with that? Why are you even entertaining the idea of dating a guy who sees you as #2 dating option, or maybe #3 dating option, if he comes across a woman he's excited to be with more than he is with that other woman he texted you about?

Lady, there are literally millions of men out there who'd love to date you. Don't demean yourself by dating a guy who sees women as shiny objects to be acquired and moved on from as soon as another shiny object enters his trajectory.

I must say I love all your posts, you get right to the heart of what this is! After reading everyone’s posts too I really see how this guy’s ‘courting behaviour’ really was odd. Even odder how he can go from lovebombing with sincere voice messages one minute, and then drop it all with a short abrupt text message. Reflecting on it I do agree that there must be some issues there.

 

3 hours ago, amerikajin said:

Good God, online dating is becoming brutal. That message reads like it's a message from an HR division.

"Dear Miss,

Thank you for your application to be a member of my harem. I appreciate your interest in me. As you can imagine, I've had a lot of highly qualified applicants, and unfortunately, I have decided to select one of these other applicants at this time.

However, please be on the look out for another opportunity to do me in the future.

Good luck your mate search.

Warmest Regards,

Narcissistic Ass"

HAHA this really did make me laugh, I thank you for it!! It did look very much like a job rejection letter to be honest. I don’t see why he’d want to rub his newfound lust in my face like that, after all that feigned intimacy, the day before the ‘big date’.

It does match the framework of dating a narcissist on a very accelerated scale: lovebombing when they hardly even know you, then devaluing and discard when they get an alternative source of narcissistic supply that’s right in front of them- an earlier date. The particularly nasty thing I read about narcissists is that they brandish their new conquest in front of their old pursuit’s face, it does match all this well

 

3 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I feel like he's just trying to grab anybody and put her into the correct position as a girlfriend. Just the way you describe things. Anyway, he found somone he could more easily do that with. Or...(I know this stings a little) he may just not have been into it like he thought, and made up the other woman as an excuse. At least you knew in the beginning. He may have seemed great but you're not losing anything because he isn't *actually* that great person. That was a script - obviously - not heartfelt feelings about you, or about any woman, really.

Yes I completely agree with this, thank you for it. Doesn’t seem as appealing now for sure, I really don’t think I’ll want to go out with him even if he does make contact again. 

Edited September 10, 2020 by babybrowns

[SumGuy]

On 9/9/2020 at 3:46 PM, babybrowns said:

Yea, I just find it a bit odd since we seemed to connect too this past 7 days, he was really opening up to me like a personal journal. We were scheduled to meet in person for the first time tomorrow and he was saying how he was looking forward to it, but his other first date this week has made him suddenly want to put all eggs in one basket? Does seem rather odd to me

His long messages seem odd to me but just because that is not me.  The "I met someone I want to give a chance to" not uncommon in my experience.   I've been on both ends of it.  There is a good 50/50 chance it won't work out.  When I have been the recipient of this always leave it open, and often hear back. 

What does seem odd is that he was so excited to meet you and didn't at least offer to meet you to see.  However, as odd as it feels, this is the honorable thing to do in the situation where we meet people in parallel.   It's also exhibit #1 for people who say we should only meet people in serial, but to each there own.

[babybrowns]

24 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

His long messages seem odd to me but just because that is not me.  The "I met someone I want to give a chance to" not uncommon in my experience.   I've been on both ends of it.  There is a good 50/50 chance it won't work out.  When I have been the recipient of this always leave it open, and often hear back. 

What does seem odd is that he was so excited to meet you and didn't at least offer to meet you to see.  However, as odd as it feels, this is the honorable thing to do in the situation where we meet people in parallel.   It's also exhibit #1 for people who say we should only meet people in serial, but to each there own.

Thank you, yes the contrast between all the lovebombing for 7 days and then the sudden drop based on this other date was stark. It’s as if he literally met the love of his life this week.
I understand some people on here saying that when they meet one person they like, they withdraw from chatting too much to others. But what about when a date is officially scheduled, planned and the person keeps expressing excitement for it up until the last minute?
I agree that I’ve probably dodged a bullet. But if there’s one main thing I’ll take from this experience into my dating life, it’s to always schedule in a first date as early as possible with someone I’m excited to meet.

Edited September 10, 2020 by babybrowns

[SumGuy]

43 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you, yes the contrast between all the lovebombing for 7 days and then the sudden drop based on this other date was stark. It’s as if he literally met the love of his life this week.

I understand some people on here saying that when they meet one person they like, they withdraw from chatting too much to others. But what about when a date is officially scheduled, planned and the person keeps expressing excitement for it up until the last minute?

Yes the messages seem a bit much and when you describe it was not like he was hearing you but only himself, that would make me wonder.

I've gotten the excitement up until near the last minute, I'm pretty intuitive so often pick up on it...pretty good at allowing women to save face or feel they can be truthful without fear, yet without being all milk toast about it.  Personally I've no firm approach, I generally would go on the date and just see, but I'm also not likely to decide I've found the love of my life after 2 dates.  There is also the view though if you go on the date and then say you want to give another person a chance it is worse.

Again personally, I don't feel like second fiddle or anything when it happens to me.  There are so many factors involved in these decision, people rely on imperfect information, and minds and views change or clarify with experience.  Sure based on what she knows and believes to be true now, and wants or believes she wants now I'm the "second" choice, but she is not omniscient.  Now if she knew everything about me and everything about this other guy with 100% accuracy and knew herself completely, I'd actually be "second fiddle".  

What is more important to me is how they handle it and if it is an indication of someone who doesn't know what they want.   Yet there are so many other ways I can filter for if a person knows what they want (at least enough and in the areas that matter to me) that being "passed over" is not a big thing.  Thing is, the women I met in OLD were not hurting for interest, and neither was I, we both just trying to find the sane and honest ones : )  

Quote

I agree that I’ve probably dodged a bullet. But if there’s one main thing I’ll take from this experience into my dating life, it’s to always schedule in a first date as early as possible with someone I’m excited to meet.

Yeah I find meeting sooner is best for this reason and others.  

Edited September 10, 2020 by SumGuy

[BaileyB]

48 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

But if there’s one main thing I’ll take from this experience into my dating life, it’s to always schedule in a first date as early as possible with someone I’m excited to meet.

The second is not to develop any attachment or expectations until the other individual has demonstrated consistently by their words AND actions that they share your interest. 

[babybrowns]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

The second is not to develop any attachment or expectations until the other individual has demonstrated consistently by their words AND actions that they share your interest. 

But his words and actions did suggest interest. Reeling me in from day 1 with long vocal messages (albeit monologues about himself), planning our date and asking me to choose out of a few nice options he thought of, saying how he couldn’t wait to meet me and how he hoped I was still excited to meet him too, up until our last communication before the abrupt drop. Anyone would trust that this was a date that was going ahead, I don’t think there’s anything I could have done better there.

Edited September 11, 2020 by babybrowns

[Azincourt]

19 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

But his words and actions did suggest interest. Reeling me in from day 1 with long vocal messages (albeit monologues about himself), planning our date and asking me to choose out of a few nice options he thought of, saying how he couldn’t wait to meet me and how he hoped I was still excited to meet him too, up until our last communication before the abrupt drop. Anyone would trust that this was a date that was going ahead, I don’t think there’s anything I could have done better there.

That doesn't mean much.  He could be excited to meet you because he hasn't been having that many dates, considering we're going through a world wide crisis, I'd say the guy's feeling lucky to get any date and he's rolling with it. Now that he's getting a few more dates he might be getting a bit more selective, and maybe he just wasn't that into you, but going on a date is better than going on no date I guess?

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, babybrowns said:

But his words and actions did suggest interest. Reeling me in from day 1 with long vocal messages (albeit monologues about himself), planning our date and asking me to choose out of a few nice options he thought of, saying how he couldn’t wait to meet me and how he hoped I was still excited to meet him too, up until our last communication before the abrupt drop. Anyone would trust that this was a date that was going ahead, I don’t think there’s anything I could have done better there.

I'm guessing BaileyB meant 'actions' as in dates and whatnot. 

Words take fairly little effort. Dates and in-person behaviour are a much better indicator of genuine interest. I can see why you believed there would be a first date, to be clear. However, without actually having met, you don't know what this guy is really like or if his words carry any weight. 

And honestly? If he's this rambling and self-centred via technology...imagine how much worse it might be in person. Again, I would not be too upset about a canceled date with someone who thinks he's interesting enough to warrant an ongoing narrative about himself before you've even met. 

[poppyfields]

On 9/9/2020 at 12:27 PM, babybrowns said:

One week ago, I matched with a guy online. He asked me out immediately and we scheduled a first date for tomorrow; I couldn't make it before then. This past week, he was almost 'lovebombing' me. He wasn't sending me texts, but rather very long voice messages every day. He was almost using me as a personal journal. 

bb, reading the above, forgive me but I fail to see how this indicates interest. 

Lovebombing like this (if that's what this even was) is not interest, at least not interest in you, but more the fantasy and idea of love, like he's living in a fairy tale or something.

Going on about himself versus wanting to have a live conversation with you whereby you both share information about yourselves and ask each other questions also suggests a self-centeredness nearly beyond belief 

You could have been anyone (sorry).

I'm also wondering what you found so appealing about it, I'd explore that.

Goodness, leaving long protracted voice mail messages, harping on and on ad nauseam about himself, using you as his personal journal, ALL before ever even setting eyes on you, is NUTS!  

I think most women would have blocked him after just one of those messages, I sure would!  

When dealing with a person this unbalanced, it's a total waste of energy to wonder why he suddenly dropped you, the guy is just not right in the head.

That's the only answer you need.  

Bullet successfully dodged as far as I'm concerned.  

 

 

Edited September 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[Azincourt]

I would have blocked this guy too if I was a woman. Too much of a windbag, to listen to someone talk endlessly about himself and how great he is,  all I need to do is to turn on the TV.

[stillafool]

As a suggestion don't believe a guy's words of love (love bombing) over texts.  Unless he's right in front of you, looking into your eyes saying these things (where you can gage his sincerity), don't believe a word that comes through that text or phone call.  If you've never even seen him in person never give them a second thought.

[Datingdisabled]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

As a suggestion don't believe a guy's words of love (love bombing) over texts.  Unless he's right in front of you, looking into your eyes saying these things (where you can gage his sincerity), don't believe a word that comes through that text or phone call.  If you've never even seen him in person never give them a second thought.

I have come to like and appreciate your posts @stillafool. You make direct and clear statements without sounding offensive. Credit to ya! 

[babybrowns]

20 hours ago, poppyfields said:

bb, reading the above, forgive me but I fail to see how this indicates interest. 

Lovebombing like this (if that's what this even was) is not interest, at least not interest in you, but more the fantasy and idea of love, like he's living in a fairy tale or something.

Going on about himself versus wanting to have a live conversation with you whereby you both share information about yourselves and ask each other questions also suggests a self-centeredness nearly beyond belief 

You could have been anyone (sorry).

I'm also wondering what you found so appealing about it, I'd explore that.

Goodness, leaving long protracted voice mail messages, harping on and on ad nauseam about himself, using you as his personal journal, ALL before ever even setting eyes on you, is NUTS!  

I think most women would have blocked him after just one of those messages, I sure would!  

When dealing with a person this unbalanced, it's a total waste of energy to wonder why he suddenly dropped you, the guy is just not right in the head.

That's the only answer you need.  

Bullet successfully dodged as far as I'm concerned.  

 

 

Thanks for this thorough insight, very useful, thank you to everyone too for your thoughts on this, each of you have made me feel better about being ditched at the last minute! 
I don’t think I would have had that much fun on the date. His voice messages didn’t seem to want to connect; he would literally comment on none of the (few) things I was telling him about my own day, but expecting me to always be interested in every little detail about his! For some reason I seem to attract a lot of narcissists

Edited September 12, 2020 by babybrowns

[Wiseman2]

Who ever was next probably got the same prerecorded monologues.

Be grateful you dodged this weirdo and his public service announcements

[Velvet teddy]

On 9/10/2020 at 9:38 PM, babybrowns said:

Thank you, yes the contrast between all the lovebombing for 7 days and then the sudden drop based on this other date was stark. It’s as if he literally met the love of his life this week.
I understand some people on here saying that when they meet one person they like, they withdraw from chatting too much to others. But what about when a date is officially scheduled, planned and the person keeps expressing excitement for it up until the last minute?
I agree that I’ve probably dodged a bullet. But if there’s one main thing I’ll take from this experience into my dating life, it’s to always schedule in a first date as early as possible with someone I’m excited to meet.

All i can say for future reference is don't  get caught up in someone too early on.

He is obviously not a genuine person. Anyone who lovebombs rarely ever is. You can almost be certain they won't stick around. 

[Velvet teddy]

On 9/11/2020 at 6:39 AM, babybrowns said:

But his words and actions did suggest interest. Reeling me in from day 1 with long vocal messages (albeit monologues about himself), planning our date and asking me to choose out of a few nice options he thought of, saying how he couldn’t wait to meet me and how he hoped I was still excited to meet him too, up until our last communication before the abrupt drop. Anyone would trust that this was a date that was going ahead, I don’t think there’s anything I could have done better there.

There's no action there though. Its still all words.

The action would have been if he actually turned up to see you. Not drop you before. 

Edited September 12, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[Velvet teddy]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thanks for this thorough insight, very useful, thank you to everyone too for your thoughts on this, each of you have made me feel better about being ditched at the last minute! 
I don’t think I would have had that much fun on the date. His voice messages didn’t seem to want to connect; he would literally comment on none of the (few) things I was telling him about my own day, but expecting me to always be interested in every little detail about his! For some reason I seem to attract a lot of narcissists

I hear old is full of narcs. And if he really is a narc. He's found another source of supply. So he doesn't need you! 

Edited September 12, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[Alvi]

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thanks for this thorough insight, very useful, thank you to everyone too for your thoughts on this, each of you have made me feel better about being ditched at the last minute! 
I don’t think I would have had that much fun on the date. His voice messages didn’t seem to want to connect; he would literally comment on none of the (few) things I was telling him about my own day, but expecting me to always be interested in every little detail about his! For some reason I seem to attract a lot of narcissists

He is one weird, screw up dude, for sure. Was he sending you a pre-recorded messages  that he sends to many other women I wonder? Who know what is going on there? Maybe some lonely guy who likes to hear the sound of his own voice or someone who would ask a woman (any woman, doesn't matter whom) to marry him on a second date.  In any case, you should thank you lucky stars here for dodging a bullet.

Edited September 12, 2020 by Alvi